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Birthday party stress

ArcticFoxArcticFox member
in Pre-School and Daycare

I have a lot of family issues, and my DD's party on Saturday is kind of hashing things up.

Aside from being sick, planning, shopping, cleaning, etc.. I get these emotions that stress me out.  I lost my mom right after I got married ('05) and so there's that, there are the inlaws that made my life hell during that time period (betrayals - long story), other inlaws that borrowed a ton of $ and every time they come here will say something like "what does DD need for her bday?  Not like she needs anything hah hah..".  There are fairly close relatives that never once congratulated us on our daughter or have seen a pic, but we invited out of "obligation", so they'll see her for the first time in 2 years, so I feel like they could really care about me or DD less.  Another person I recently did a big favor for but now she won't return my calls (no idea why).

I have no problem being nice, as always.. but any tips on how to handle the stress?  I mean inside I feel so much resentment and unpleasantness, I feel like I'm always clenching my teeth over their snarky comments or how they act like they care when they've shown otherwise (and I know they won't change).  It's one thing that I miss my mom and her not seeing my kids grow up, but on top of it having all these people that are so negative in our lives.  The irony is my mom not being in my kids lives, and all these people who we have been there for everything, and they don't reciprocate, but because of the 'family tree', when I invite some people, then I have to invite others (like if we invite cousins, then we have to invite their parents).

For some it is seeing them 1-2x a year so it's not a big deal in that respect, I'm more of looking for how to internally handle how this stresses me out and I waste so much time with the negativity.  And I can handle generally how people effect me personally, but when it comes to my kids it is a whole other level.  Sorry.. I am so sick of family politics!   Any 'calming' suggestions would be awesome, even if you can just relate.. :)

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Re: Birthday party stress

  • jlw2505jlw2505 member
    Honestly, as I have gotten older, I have learned to let the negative people leave my life, the people that never make an effort to be a part of my life - regardless of it they are family or not.  Yes, there are some family members that you can't do that with but even those, you can really reduce who is included in events.  A birthday to me is not something that the whole family has to be included in.  DH's family causes us a ton of stress and while we have been doing what you do for years - include them and try to make an effort all the time, my DH finally told me he was done doing that and if they want to make the effort they can do it.  Since these people are all ready invited - grin and bear it - drink some wine and honestly, ignore them at the event other the basic hello's and such.  Put all of your energy into your kids and the other guests that care about you and your family.  I don't mean to sound rude but put yourself and your kids first and do what feels right to you and not what you feel like you have to do.  Have them at this event and then in the future, take a big step back and really think about who should be invited to events. 
    Jenni Mom to DD#1 - 6-16-06 DD#2 - 3-13-08 
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  • PeskyPesky member

    imagejlw2505:
    Honestly, as I have gotten older, I have learned to let the negative people leave my life, the people that never make an effort to be a part of my life - regardless of it they are family or not.  Yes, there are some family members that you can't do that with but even those, you can really reduce who is included in events.  A birthday to me is not something that the whole family has to be included in.  DH's family causes us a ton of stress and while we have been doing what you do for years - include them and try to make an effort all the time, my DH finally told me he was done doing that and if they want to make the effort they can do it.  Since these people are all ready invited - grin and bear it - drink some wine and honestly, ignore them at the event other the basic hello's and such.  Put all of your energy into your kids and the other guests that care about you and your family.  I don't mean to sound rude but put yourself and your kids first and do what feels right to you and not what you feel like you have to do.  Have them at this event and then in the future, take a big step back and really think about who should be invited to events. 

    Ditto this.  I've gotten to the point of letting stuff slide off with a "well, we do things differently and hope you can respect our choices in the matter.  Do you need another drink?" or similar brushing off comment.  If they are that bad, I really think hard about whether I need to invite that person in the first place.  Just focus on your girls instead of the family.  If they want to have their drama, they can knock themselves out.  You don't need to participate and can just shrug in wonder and walk away.


    image
    DD -- 5YO
    DS -- 3YO

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  • KathrynMDKathrynMD member

    why are you inviting people like that to your kids parties?

    and also - just ignore them, hang out w/ your kids and the people you do like.  You can just smile and wake away from the toxic people.  You're not required not interact them.

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  • kmhunt11kmhunt11 member
    We had 4 people to DD's 2nd bday.  I don't believe in inviting people I don't want there.  I'm a terrible bridge burner, but I really don't deal with people that aren't nice.  There are exceptions like my brother, but you can't get much closer family-wise than a sibling or parent.  Outside of that, I don't deal with my grandparents, 2 uncles and an aunt because they just aren't nice people.  Life is much simpler and lower-stress this way.
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  • cecee36cecee36

    imagejlw2505:
    Honestly, as I have gotten older, I have learned to let the negative people leave my life, the people that never make an effort to be a part of my life - regardless of it they are family or not.  Yes, there are some family members that you can't do that with but even those, you can really reduce who is included in events.  A birthday to me is not something that the whole family has to be included in.  DH's family causes us a ton of stress and while we have been doing what you do for years - include them and try to make an effort all the time, my DH finally told me he was done doing that and if they want to make the effort they can do it.  Since these people are all ready invited - grin and bear it - drink some wine and honestly, ignore them at the event other the basic hello's and such.  Put all of your energy into your kids and the other guests that care about you and your family.  I don't mean to sound rude but put yourself and your kids first and do what feels right to you and not what you feel like you have to do.  Have them at this event and then in the future, take a big step back and really think about who should be invited to events. 

    AAAAAA-men!  I totally agree.  As I've gotten older, I've gotten to the point where I make tough decisions regarding family without any trepidation.  If people aren't good for me or DH or our daughter, I have no problem keeping them at arm's length.   

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