I don't know what to say to friend, help! re: IF

brideinOC · October 2011

Friends of ours have a 7 yr old son and have been trying for the last 6 yrs to get pg again. Her OB gave her clomid which caused severe clomid crazies. She made three appts to meet with our RE but cancelled all of them because she was scared of having to take clomid again. Long story short, she and her DH finally went to the RE. After running all of the initial tests, I got a sad text from her last night. "Don't think a baby is gonna happen. My ovaries are aging too quickly for my age, probably early menopause. Only giving me 20% chance of getting pg even if going straight to IVF."

I just don't know what to say. Saying "I'm sorry" or some variation, just seems inadequate. I'm open to suggestions. Thanks!

EastCoastBride · October 2011

You know, though... sometimes a genuine "I'm so sorry" is the right thing to say. While those words seem simple, at the same time, there is nothing you can do to help her or make things different and trying to say anything else could come across as trite.

beebe929 · October 2011

"I am here for you if you want to talk or just need a hug"

Ali212 · October 2011

EastCoastBride:
You know, though... sometimes a genuine "I'm so sorry" is the right thing to say. While those words seem simple, at the same time, there is nothing you can do to help her or make things different and trying to say anything else could come across as trite.

I agree with this. Those words can be very powerful - especially when nothing else is really right to express what you're feeling.

As an aside (and I doubt you want to share this with her but....), one of my BFFs (who was young!) had the exact same diagnosis (high FSH) when she was first trying to conceive. During a break cycle on a vacation (before she had started fertility treatments but after all the tests; the only thing she was doing was acupuncture), she end up getting pregnant with her 1st son. Then, she went straight to IVF and got pg with her 2nd son on their first cycle. I hope your friend is in the 20% b/c I know it can happen!

howleyshell · October 2011

I was told the exact same thing before we got pregnant with Dylan and then went on to conceive Jace without meds. She just got smacked with a high FSH diagnosis.

How old is she?

I'd ask her to coffee and see if she'll share more (like her FSH and AMH #'s) and then encourage her if she still wants another child.

Even if she doesn't use her eggs there's donor egg, embryo adoption (wayyy less expensive), etc.

Give this news a chance to sink in and then support her what ever way she seems to be headed.

For a text back I'd go with: "IF stuff sux. Let's get together. U up for coffee or drinks?"

I've got a GREAT discussion board full of women with her diagnosis. It's where I learned everything I know about high FSH and found plenty of encouragement.

https://www.network54.com/Browse/Fertility

There's a secondary IF with high FSH board specifically that she may want to check out.

Dragonfly1226 · October 2011

That's a really tough situation. I don't know if there is a right thing to say. Sometimes a huge hug and a this really sucks and I am so sorry it is happening to you along with an offer to listen any time she wants to talk or vent goes a long way.

oooCarrieB · October 2011

I know it sounds bad to your friend, but 20% chance w IVF is not that bad. I would tell her that you really don't know how IVF will go until you try it and see how your body reacts to stims. The first RE I went to gave me only 5% chance with IVF. I got a 2nd opinion, they gave me a 10-15% chance, but it ended up that I reacted much better than expected to stims and got pregnant.

desabean · October 2011

I would say I'm sorry, but I would also add that 20% is still a chance and we know there are women on here who have beat those odds. Obviously I don't know her financial situation and how comfortable they are trying with those chances, but there is still hope. And of course there is always the option of donor eggs but she might not be ready to hear that right now.

epphd · October 2011

Fertile women have only a 20% chance of conceiving on any cycle -so a 20% chance with IVF means that she has as good a chance as any other fertile woman. Those stats aren't bad at all.

However, apart from passing on that info, I agree that just being there for her - letting her drive the conversation to or away from IF - is the best way to go. Make it clear that you are there to listen at any time but will not pry. And promise never to say "I just know it will work" or "You WILL have your baby."

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I don't know what to say to friend, help! re: IF

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