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Trying to Get Pregnant
baby4us12
member
Hubby wants to stop trying
baby4us12
member
Hi ladies I haven't been on for a while because we have been having lots of discussions about ttc. My husband has decided he wants to stop ttc until after he graduates, which is next year
I am devastated, we have only tried for two cycles and now he just wants to stop. This has caused so many arguments he even asked me to get on some form of birth control. I've made it clear that I have no intention to do so. The way I see it is he's the one that wants to stop trying so it's HIS responsibility to make sure I don't get pregnant. I'm so upset, I barely spoke to him over the weekend, we just started getting back on good terms. This is really stressing me out, I've explained that I don't want to wait until after graduation but he said he wants to focus more on school, which I understand but I don't see why we have to put ttc on hold. I'm still trying to convince him that he can focus on school while we are trying but he thinks it brings too much stress Has anyone else gone through this? I feel like he is totally disregarding the plans that we have made, almost like he lied to me when he said he wanted to try. Since I'm not going to take any birth control it will be up to him to use condoms (which he hates) so I don't know how much preventing will be taking place but it still annoys me that he just wants to stop all of a sudden.
I am devastated, we have only tried for two cycles and now he just wants to stop. This has caused so many arguments he even asked me to get on some form of birth control. I've made it clear that I have no intention to do so. The way I see it is he's the one that wants to stop trying so it's HIS responsibility to make sure I don't get pregnant. I'm so upset, I barely spoke to him over the weekend, we just started getting back on good terms. This is really stressing me out, I've explained that I don't want to wait until after graduation but he said he wants to focus more on school, which I understand but I don't see why we have to put ttc on hold. I'm still trying to convince him that he can focus on school while we are trying but he thinks it brings too much stress Has anyone else gone through this? I feel like he is totally disregarding the plans that we have made, almost like he lied to me when he said he wanted to try. Since I'm not going to take any birth control it will be up to him to use condoms (which he hates) so I don't know how much preventing will be taking place but it still annoys me that he just wants to stop all of a sudden.This discussion has been closed.
Re: Hubby wants to stop trying
Truer words have never been spoken.
Having a baby is a team effort. If your husband isn't 100% on board, I wouldn't want to try and talk him into it. You don't want him to cave in just to shut you up and then regret it when you get pregnant. Don't take this the wrong way, because I'm not trying to be mean, but it sounds ridiculous to me for you to say that it's entirely his job to use protection just because he's not wanting kids. I understand you not wanting to use BCP, but charting will keep you from having to use condoms 100% of the time. GL.
ETA: You sound like you are punishing him by making use condoms, and that makes me seriously side-eye your inentions. You shouldn't be using sex to punish your husband for not being ready.
I completely agree with LegalPawn.
My Ovulation Chart BFP-11/10/11 ectopic. Methotrexate on 12/1/11. BFP #2-08/17/2012 FX for a ute-baby! 15DPO beta-387 HCG; 36 progesterone
WTF. Really? I get that you're upset, but this is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read.
Do not pressure your husband to become a father before he feels like he's ready to handle it. It will be disasterous. A newborn baby can bring stress and pressure to a happy couple who felt like they were ready. It's a huge responsibility and a major life change that your relationship has to work through. If you have a baby and your husband is not ready you are not taking your relationship/partnership seriously enough.
I say this from the point of view of the spouse that was the last one to get on board. I postponed our TTC plans because I wasn't ready the first time. Thank God I did. We had twins....can you imagine what that would have been like for me, if I wasn't ready to be a Mom?
I can understand being dissapointed, but do not pressure him. I applaud him for being honest with you.
Regarding BC, it's a decision you both need to make together as adults.
Still getting money from mommy and daddy? Working with those meanies at work that whole 10 hours a week?
Of course you are going to be childish about not wanting to take BC, that is your MO already.
Add to that "selfish". The decision to start a family is not just about you, OP.
*snort* So that's why her SN gave me a sense of foreboding...
This.
If you force him to TTC when he's not ready he WILL resent you. It WILL cause serious damage to your marriage. And that WILL negatively impact your child.
Is that what you want?
If so, keep pushing, and stomping your feet and demanding that you get your way.
Right now the only viable choices you have are A) respect his needs/feelings, and wait until after he graduates (it's really not that far off), when he'll truly be ready, supportive and fully engaged in the process; or
decide that this is a deal breaker for you and consider ending the marriage so you can find someone whose goals and values are more closely aligned with your own; or C) discuss it with him some more, and see if you two can reach any sort of compromise (and if he is dead-set on his needs, go back and look at options A and B again).
Trying to bully, harass, manipulate, guilt, etc. your husband into having a baby on YOUR terms, and your terms only, will blow up in your face big time.
Mama's Clone - 07/18/12
I hate to say I told you so, but its because you drove him nuts about it!
Be the bigger person and get on birth control. You do NOT want to get knocked up right now when both of you aren't in agreement. Yes, it sucks but you're young, you have plenty of time
Violet Mae born 1/15/13
Me: 37, DH: 36
Started TTC #1: 9/2015
Preliminary labs/testing @ 6 months: TSH, A1c, progesterone, prolactin, SA, HSG all normal
BFP: 5/19/2016, M/C: 5/29/2016
BFP: 6/22/2016 EDD 3//6/2017
Becoming a parent is huge responsiblity, there is much work and patience required, not to mention all the patience you will need throughout a pregnancy, and even sometimes to get pregnant. This being said, patience is the key. If your have no patience with your husband, how will you have it with handling a baby, maintaing a household, and marriage?
Maybe he wants to graduate, and create a better opportunity for himself to prosper financially to support you and the family you want.... maybe he feels that he is not yet ready to be a parent...There are tons of maybe(s) to throw out there, but you will never know if you keep thinking only of your needs and ignoring the needs of your husband. Trapping a man into a baby, and calling it an accident is never the right way to go. Put your big girl panties on and say " if you dont want a baby, then we are using condoms everytime, end of story." Or make the decision to get on birth control, maybe a low dose pill.
Um actually it sounds like he has a perfectly legit reason.
And he's allowed to change his mind as many times as he wants. If he's not ready to be a dad, he's not ready. You can't force him to do anything. This is not all about you.
From what you said previously, he has changed his mind for a good reason. Graduate school is all consuming. Maybe he didn't realize how full his plate would be until now? A year is not that long to wait, especially if that is what your husband needs. It doesn't matter if you feel his reasons aren't valid...you need to support him and work through it. You can't stomp your feet and have a tantrum.
THANK YOU legal! and FFS OP, maybe your husband doesn't want to have to deal with two babies right now.
***comes out of lurking***
I feel for you OP, really I do - in the sense that it must be hugely disappointing to find out that your DH is not ready to TTC after you thought that you were on the same page as him. However, he probably did not change his mind for no real reason. Even if he got scared and thinks he isn't ready to handle being a father just yet, it's still a valid reason and you really need to respect that. I know it must be frustrating and even saddening for you, but you can't force it. I can't remember the exact statistics, but there is an overwhelming number of marriages (if I recall correctly) that end within one year after the birth of a first child. Having a baby puts huge strains on your relationship - lack of sleep alone could drive your mad (my DS was a preemie with bad colic and didn't sleep more than 2.5 hours at a time until he was 8 months old). If you (or your DH) is not ready for a baby and you force it, it could seriously end your marraige, or maybe your H will just resent you for years to come. It's not good for your relationship OR your future child.
I know you're upset, but you just have to put your big girl panties on and have an adult conversation with your H - and if you have to wait a year, well, then you just have to wait.
It sounds to me like he is the only one in your relationship using common sense and logic. You might want to learn to be less "it's all about me!!!" before you get pregnant. Once you have a baby, it's not all about you at all anymore.
Cooper+Evie=Soulmates
A couple of years ago DH and I were TTC... after a few months, some stressful life events occurred and DH decided he wanted to put it off for awhile. He didn't even have a goal date like "after XYZ happens". He just suddenly decided that he no longer felt ready. I was still ready, and disappointed at having to put it off -- especially because I was approaching 30 at the time, and I had dreamed of becoming a mom before I turned 30 (and DH and I had been together 12 years at that point, so this was no surprise to him).
So, I respected his wishes, and waited. It was tough... and I felt sad whenever another friend or family member got KU (especially if it was "an accident"). But I resolved to never take that out on DH. He had a right to his feelings and needs. And if I was unwilling to live with that, I had every right to leave the marriage to pursue my goal of getting KU... except I realized that I valued my DH and my marriage far more than having a baby rightnow! because it was what I wanted.
We had numerous (honest, loving, respectful) discussions about his change of heart, and what he felt he needed to be ready. We realized we needed to deal with the other issues that had popped up in our life first, and decided there were some other things that we could improve upon as well in the meantime. So we set our focus on those things, and I trusted that DH was being genuine with me about his feelings, and that we would choose to resume TTC when we were both ready. Earlier this year, DH made the decision on his own that he was ready to start TTC again. We still had a few more goals to accomplish (which we had set last year), but we set a start date for TTC together. The result is that DH is excited, ready, and involved in the process. He keeps bringing it up, and has even excitedly let it slip to a few people that a baby may be in our plans very soon. We've also spent some of that extra time strengthening our marriage and our relationship, which means our future baby will be coming into an even stronger and more stable home than before.
As for myself... I'm kind of glad we waited. Even though I really, really wanted to start a family a couple of years ago, I can see even more clearly now why it wouldn't have truly been the ideal time. Had I pressured DH into having a baby on my timeline, because it was what I wanted, I don't think either of us would be very happy right now, and it would have been an awful set of circumstances to bring a child into.
If you are having a hard time dealing with your feelings of disappointment, I highly recommend finding a competent therapist to help you work through those feelings, before they cause you a lot more grief and heartache.
Mama's Clone - 07/18/12
All of this, especially the bolded parts. I have a wonderful, communicative relationship with my DH. We were beyond ready to have our DS, and we are beyond ready this time as well. However, that little newborn baby tested our relationship in every way imaginable. We were strong enough to weather the bad times, along with the good. Having a baby is not all puppies and rainbows and snuggles. It is HARD work. You need to make sure that your DH is 100% on board before you even venture down the TTC road. Otherwise, you may be looking at the end of your relationship.
I also agree with PPs who said that using sex and BC as a weapon is very immature! Maybe you need to do a little growing up before you consider having baby.
The only Easter Bunny I can get behind.
Maxwell Joseph 4/09 Lucy Violet 10/12
lol
But the problem with that is, it could still result in a pregnancy that her H isn't ready for. Also... I'm sorry, but the chances that she would know she was fertile and not "accidentally" initiate sex so that she could oops! get pregnant, are slim to none.
coffee just came out of my nose.