Moms of 2+ - Do you have a favorite?

RomeRomance06 · October 2011

I'm listening to Tell Me More on NPR and they're talking about parents having favorites among their children and what effect that has on the kids, parents, etc. I'm an only child so this concept is foreign to me but I do plan on having at least one more child, so I'm intrigued. Do you moms of 2+ have "favorites?" Apparently studies show that most parents do have a favorite child. If you do, would you ever admit it to your children? Do you think you were your parents' favorite or was your sibling the favorite? Did it bother you?

tomandcourt · October 2011

I was wondering this myself! I read an article about it in Time.

I have to say, as one of two, I never felt that my parents had a favorite. That's not to say they didn't, but I never felt it, which is very much to their credit.

SoonToBeMrsDTS · October 2011

Yes but it changes which one it is on a day to day basis;) Today DS is my favorite because DD is being a dramatic whiny child. So no, I don't really have a favorite. I love them equally but obviously I have days where one drives me crazy more than the other. I don't feel like parents had a favorite growing up although as an adult my mom reminds me very often how much easier my brother was. My dad is one of five and he and siblings all say that one of the daughters was my grandmother's favorite, the daughter who was most like my grandfather. They all seem to just accept it as a fact and none of them seem to be bitter about it. Maybe not being the favorite among five would be easier than not being the favorite out of two?

AgrippaRidesAgain · October 2011

I will admit that there are times that I prefer one over the other--the sweet cuddly newborn over the insane toddler, or the toddler I can reason with over the baby that can't explain what is wrong. However, I don't know that I have an outright favorite.

Hey Jellisy · October 2011

I am one of four and my parents have different relationships with each of us. I am certain at various times in my life I saw the varying natures as favoritism, but the truth is we are all individuals who uniquely relate to each other. The Time article seems to suggest that the oldest child is often the favorite and I would say the perception in our family bears that out but I am not convinced that it is the truth. I am the oldest and my brothers would probably say I am my moms favorite. I am the only girl so we do girl stuff together and I call home daily just to touch base and both develop and maintain a relationship with my parents. The oldest of the boys is perceived as my fathers favorite. That said, he is the most needy (by far and away) child in the family and chose my father's dream profession - they click intellectually. I think the perception is based on gender identity and neediness in our household. I think the reality is that my parents reach out to us equally and support us as we need to be supported.

I think it's too early to see that in my own little family. I love both of them so dearly, but I am sure my relationship with each will vary based on their personalities.

CandKmomma · October 2011

AgrippaRidesAgain:
I will admit that there are times that I prefer one over the other--the sweet cuddly newborn over the insane toddler, or the toddler I can reason with over the baby that can't explain what is wrong. However, I don't know that I have an outright favorite.

This exactly!

2vthokies · October 2011

Interesting. I definitely have a favorite...just depends on the time of the day. It seriously changes hourly. Sometimes I click with my 3 year old better because I can explain things to her and I don't have to do every little thing for her. Sometimes I prefer by 1 year old because she can't whine. So, I guess I don't really have a favorite. But I do find myself sticking up or defending DD2 more simply because she has much less of a voice in our family then the rest of us.

I am the oldest of three and I don't think my parents have a favorite (or they've hidden it well), but they definintely do more for my sisters than for me. My sisters are far more needy than I am, but sometimes I wonder if I am less needy because I see the toll it takes on my parents. I know growing up I was fairly resentful of all the attention they got and I learned to be pretty independent early on. But I guess that's a whole different post Big Smile

vtkgirl77 · October 2011

I read the Time article as well. I actually found it somewhat depressing because it essentially said that every parent has a favorite whether you admit it or not.

I definitely don't feel that I have a favorite. My girls are in completely different stages in life so it's sort of like comparing apples to oranges.

I don't think my parents had a favorite necessarily but because my brother and I are so different, they had to parent us in different ways (especially when we got older).

In general, I think the whole idea of favorite/non-favorite is too simplistic for defining the complexities of most family relationships. Yes, in some families, there may be a clear favorite. But in most families I'm guessing it's not so easy to explain.

kastle · October 2011

this is one of my fears, actually.

a really wise mom once told me that it's not about treating your kids equally, it's about making sure that they feel their individual needs are being met. i hope that my kids will be like some of y'all & never feel like my husband or i had favorites!

JKM416 · October 2011

As PPs said, it depends on that particular day or whatever stage they happen to be in. I don't think the term "favorite" is really ideal, though, because I think it's rare that a parent actually loves one child more than another. But it's almost inevitable that you'll have more in common with one child, they'll mirror you in more ways, etc. I can already see lots of ways that DD is like me, and I don't have that same strong sense from DS. How that will play out as they grow - will she and I be super close, or will we butt heads while DS and I live peacefully? - remains to be seen. I think gender plays into it a lot, both in how each parent relates to each kid and how things are perceived by the children.

I'm the older of two, and I was definitely easier on my parents than my brother. I'm more like my mom, which helped us get along well, and my brother is more like my dad, with whom he had some hardcore battles (though he had them with my mom, too). So I've seen being more like one parent both work in someone's favor as well as backfire. My brother and I joke that I'm the favorite, but I don't think he actually thinks that. Our family dynamic changed after my dad died, and my brother has come around to a sense of appreciation for all my mom has done for him (and put up with) over the years. He'll be the first to admit he was a PITA, and I'm pretty sure he never doubted that he was loved just as much as I was.

I'm sure that at any given point over the years (especially the hormone- and drama-filled teenage ones), one of my kids will be my favorite and will be perceived as such by the others. Oh well...too bad, so sad. My goal is to make it clear that I do my best to treat them all fairly (which does not necessarily mean the "he got a new pair of shoes, so that means you get one, too" approach) by supporting them and meeting their needs as equally and fully as I can. Hopefully when they get old enough, they'll understand my intentions and won't send me therapy bills.

bh2720 · October 2011

right now my unborn child is my favorite...he's way easier to get along with these days ;-)

but yes, this is a fear of mine, too. I always felt like my dad preferred my older sisters to me, especially the oldest one--it was really obvious sometimes and it was terrible and painful at times. fortunately, my mom always made me feel special (of course, my sisters say that I'm her favorite, oh well....)

Sofka · October 2011

as others said, at different stages or hours, one is more of a favorite. I love them equally but in different ways. I am one of 2 and I know growing up my parents went thru stages of having favorites but now as adults I don't think either one of us is.

mcatmay · October 2011

I read the Time article too and, hoping that we get to have more than one child, I worry about favoritism as well. I would never want one of my children to feel slighted. Growing up, I can tell you that the 'favorite' changed. My brother was the favorite for YEARS and I was cranky about it because I was the 'model' child while my brother raised cain. That being said, it's switched and as adults, I am now 'the favorite' while my brother no longer is. It makes me sad because it also affects how my parents interact with my brother's child versus mine. My girl (she's small, so obviously take it with a grain of salt ;-) can do NO wrong and i make NO parenting mistakes while my brother can do nothing right and his son is not treated the same way. Having experienced both sides of favoritism, i hate each side equally and hope that i don't do that to my children.

mommmyz · October 2011

kastle:

a really wise mom once told me that it's not about treating your kids equally, it's about making sure that they feel their individual needs are being met. i hope that my kids will be like some of y'all & never feel like my husband or i had favorites!

This IS very wise! It's what one of my mentor teachers told me my first year...fair doesn't mean everybody gets the same thing, fair means everybody gets what THEY need.

I'm an only child too, and I am terrified of this whole favorite issue. Honestly, right now it's that I love DS so much, I always wonder how it's possible to love 2 this much? But I know this has been talked about at various times on here and everyone always promises it happens. I mean, I already love #2 a ton, so I know it has to be true!

And, as an only child, I can say I was clearly the favorite! Stick out tongue

Artslvr · October 2011

I can't see the Time article because I guess you have to register. I can say that DD #1 is basically a mini me, and DD #2 is a mini DH. I wouldn't say they're favorites, but like pp said, you will inevitably be "like" one of your kids. There is something uncanny about how DD #1 resembles my personality - my mom and dad have told me enough stories about me at that age that I know she is "mine." DD #2 on any given day is my DH's twin. We'll see how DS ends up!

But favorite is a funny word. On any given day my kids drive me completely bananas and then do something so endearing I want to eat them up. So forget day to day, minute by minute I'm cooing over one while another one is pressing my buttons - and two minutes later - switch!

So honestly no, I really don't think I have favorites - however, I'm sure the Time article has some good points, I just can't access it.

LindseyJW · October 2011

definitely!

but which one just depends on which one is going through a super annoying phase and which one is just being adorably endearing at the moment.

it is something i am very concious of (ensuring equal treatment/attention/care) and would never in a million years admit it to my children.

i am the oldest of 3. i suspect i may currently be the favorite, but that's only because of current life situations (that and my siblings can admittedly be PITAs and i'm pretty self sufficient/dependable). i'm 10000000% certain my folks would never admit that, as they shouldn't.

courtneyLMM · October 2011

This was a huge concern of mine when I was pregnant with #2. When I was younger, my father had actually told me that he favored me over my brother and knew for a fact my mother favored my brother to me.... crazy conversation to have with your child, but i digress. Now that I have my own children, I would definitely say that there are times I prefer one of the other, but that feeling can very well change within the hour. My children are 1 and 4, so my one year old definitely demands a bit more of my attention and is quick to show thanks with a lot of snuggles and kisses....whereas my 4 year old is Miss Independent. So it all depends on my mood as well.....do I have the time to snuggle all day or do I want to get stuff done and hold a conversation?

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