Thoughts on living together before marriage...

JakesBride07 · October 2011

Just curious what your opinions are.

DH and I lived together for a year and a half before we got married, we were engaged already and had set a date for the wedding at that point.

ali-1411 · October 2011

I think its a good idea. DH and I moved in together first. We got engaged 4 months later.

I would advise anyone to live together first.

Stacyc625 · October 2011

I don't care what anyone else does-

However for me it was imperative. We lived together for 3yrs before we got married.

DevonPow · October 2011

DH and I moved in together before we were engaged. I was scared to tell my dad but his response was "Good! NEVER get married without living together first!" (seeing as how he and my mom - now divorced - never lived together and got married straight out of college, lol). I personally can't imagine making a lifetime commitment to someone that I had never lived with before.....but I also can't see making a lifetime commitment without seeing if you are sexually compatible, either, lol. So, we see where my morals lie

Daisy77 · October 2011

Having done both before either of my marriages I can for sure say that living together before marriage is the way to go.

Had I lived with my ex-H I would have realized a lot sooner what a mama's boy he was. Frankly, we never would have gotten married. Instead, we both lived with our parents until our wedding day and filed divorce papers less than 2 years later.

With DH, it was very helpful to see what would be deal breakers. I know he's not a tidy guy by any means so for him not helping out with cleaning I can deal with it. But, he also works hard and isn't such a liar like my ex.

alli2672 · October 2011

I don't know. Doesn't it lead to a higher divorce rate? Or is that just some propaganda from the Catholic church?

ETA: I just found this from USA Today:
" The odds of divorce among women who married their only cohabiting partner were 28% lower than among women who never cohabited before marriage, according to sociologist Daniel Lichter of Cornell University in Ithaca, N.Y.

? Divorce rates for those who cohabit more than once are more than twice as high as for women who cohabited only with their eventual husbands, says Lichter's study, to be published in the Journal of Marriage and Family in December. "

pinacolodas · October 2011

I think there is nothing wrong with it. DH and I didn't because we were only dating 3 weeks before we got engaged. We knew right away we wanted to be married. However we were friends for 2 years before it turned romantic so I really knew him.

As long as both people are on the same page as far as the future and committment; whatever works. I liked the romance of how we came home from our honeymoon to live together for the first time. But I definitely wouldn't judge what others do.

nekorayne · October 2011

DH and I lived together for two years before we got engaged. It was awesome. We shared a house with my best friend (and we went through two other roommates at some point). It was such a blast and it really made me realize how amazing we were together. Honestly I can't picture marrying someone I have never lived with before.

This reminds me, I have a friend who has been with a guy for a few years and he does not believe in living together before marriage, not for religious reasons but because of a study they did or something, he is a big psychology nut. He is constantly telling DH and me that our chance for divorce is higher because we lived together before marriage. We have never thought of divorce and he tells us this while he sees us being happy, so random and it drives me nuts! We are VERY happy together so I'm not sure why he brings it up.

Note:: I don't judge others for waiting to live together till marriage. It is just important in my relationship, I don't care what others do and can see why it would be romantic to wait.

MAMAxB · October 2011

Just personally, I don't agree with the idea that "you have to get to know them" by living with them before marriage. I think that if you know someone well enough to be engaged you should realize/accept that they will do things at home that annoy you and vise versa. But I try to be old school.

That being said.. We moved in together 3 months before we got married because we were one month away from having E and moving 2 hours away from family for DHs new job.

ETA: That wasn't our ideal situation/plan. If not for the situation we would have waited.

MainelyFoolish · October 2011

I've done it both ways (sort of). I think the decision depends on where you are in your life.

With DH, I moved in with him about 2 months before our wedding because my house had sold and I didn't want to rent a place for 2 months. I really wasn't concerned that one of us would change our minds about the marriage.

Several years before DH, I was engaged and I lived with my fiance. We had set a date and were actively planning the wedding. We had lived together for just under a year (and were less than 3 months from the wedding) when fiance broke it off and I moved out. If we hadn't lived together, would we still have gotten married (and then later divorced)? I don't know.

nonoemily · October 2011

KateB1984:
alli2672:

I don't know. Doesn't it lead to a higher divorce rate? Or is that just some propaganda from the Catholic church?

This is true, but I think it's more because people who think it's morally okay to live together, also think it's morally okay to get divorced. I don't think people who don't are necessarily happier.

I think you hit the nail right on the head here. Just because couples stay together doesn't mean anything about the quality of the relationship... I already have one divorce under my belt and I can tell you honestly that living together before marriage isn't what drove us apart in the end.

My partner and I are not married. We plan to get married someday, but we have plans to buy a house, a baby on the way, and we love to travel... The wedding just hasn't made it to the top of the priority pile yet.

We dated for over a year before we moved in together. After we lived in an apartment for a year, we bought an RV and spent a year driving around the country, living in campgrounds and such. I have no doubts about the strength of our relationship based on that experience. Living in a 100sq ft space with him and our two cats taught us a lot about our relationship. It's because of that bond that we know we are ready to have children together.

Every relationship is different, though... and some people are easier to live with than others.

ashley0616 · October 2011

I think it's a great idea. You learn if you can actually live with that person for the rest of your life. DH and I lived together for a few years before we got engaged/married and it was a great time for us to work out how to be together that way, how to run a household, and how to communicate. I'm with pps, I highly recommend it!

Dr.Loretta · October 2011

Not my thing, but whatever. I just don't like it when people judge others about this topic, or act like they're holier than thou on either side of the issue.

rebus82 · October 2011

I think about the worst thing you can do for a marriage is go into it having never lived together. It is one of the biggest adjustments you can make as a person, and doing it after legally binding yourself to someone is just nuts. DH and I lived together for five plus years before getting married, so by the time we exchanged rings, we were confident we knew about every annoying/gross habit and how to deal with them.

ETA: I base this on couples I know of my generation. I don't think people who wait until marriage are stupid, I just know the couples I've known that did wait to live together ended up divorced. Could just be luck of the draw, but I know their reasons for divorce, and living together would have fixed a lot of them (well, they would have not been married at all).

Deblondie1 · October 2011

DH and I moved in together about a month before we got engaged. It was the best decision for us. But with that said, to each their own.

JaysonandKristin · October 2011

I think it's a double-edged sword. The divorce statistic hits me this way...

Those who cohabit before marriage are likely to feel social and personal pressure to continue along the same path toward marriage regardless of whether or not they truly belong together. Thus, by the time that they realize they're REALLY not suited for each other, divorce is the only way out of the relationship.

BUT, I think that the only way to really and HONESTLY know someone's ins and outs and habits (good or bad) is to live together. Whether or not you're willing to know someone that intimately prior to marriage is a personal preference. For me, it was necessary.

DH and I never had ONE SINGLE FIGHT prior to moving in together. By the time we had been living together, we started fighting because we were in each other's faces 24/7 and our habits and true colors started to show. We still loved each other, but the balance between fun and responsibility started to take its toll. Prior to living together, we both still lived in our parents' homes. So, we weren't accustomed to having to do chores AND work AND go to school AND maintain a relationship.

JOEBunny · October 2011

I don't think it is a good idea for most people. I am atheist and have no religious problem with it. My main reason is that I have seen too many of my friends tie up their romantic relationship in financial decisions that they make with someone who is not committed to them. They don't have the protections of marriage, and end up on the losing end when things don't work out. I have also seen a lot of people move in together to save money and end up staying in failing relationships far longer than they would because they have a lease or a mortgage together. I don't judge people for it, to each their own, but I don't think that it is a great benefit to most people. I am not talking about living together for a few months prior to getting married for some logistical reason, I am talking about living together as a couple without making that commitment. Maybe I just know too many people who lived with people for 5+ years and ended up splitting up in their 30's and have seen how hard it is for them to start over, not just with a new relationship, but with a new physical and financial reality.

passar3588 · October 2011

I didn't do it nor would I ever. My DH and I both owned our own homes before we got married and mine sold 2 weeks before our wedding. Even if it had sold sooner, I still wouldn't have moved in with him. I would have lived with my parents, which is where I stayed in the weeks prior to my wedding.

I'm not particularly religious or anything, my DH isn't either, but we're both somewhat traditional, like our own space, and didn't think it was necessary to move in before marriage. We've been married over 6 years and our marriage has never been better.

If you think you need to live together before marriage to make it work, you are wrong. Commitment is what makes a marriage work. Most of the people my age that are getting divorced lived together before getting married. I think most people do it because it's convenient and cheaper, not necessarily because they HAVE to get to know the person before marrying them.

mrswhiskey · October 2011

SO and I have been living together for a few months now and we are not even engaged or talking about it. But we are incredibly happy together and that's all that matters to me. Personally, I don't care what people choose to do either way, as long as no one gets on my back about it. What other people do is none of my business and what I do, is none of theirs.

JakesBride07 · October 2011

I don't know how not living together would have impacted us. I know the IL's flipped (MIL more then FIL) FIL saw it coming because we often talked about it and were saving for a place, plus my grandmother moved out of her house and gave us a lot of furniture that we put in storage for future use.

I will say that we hadn't really planned on moving in together when we did, but I desperatly needed to get out of my parents house at that point (my mom and I really did not get along after high school and when I started working...a whole nother story). I was fully prepared to move out on my own, but DH wouldn't hear of it and he said either way he was going to there most of the time so he might as well help with expenses. I don't know that we would have waited to move in together until after the wedding, but before things got ugly at home I know we were leaning more towards continuing to save and buying a home closer to the wedding. We ended up renting and still ended up buying a house about 4 months after we got married.

We had been together long enough that I knew most of his habits (good or bad), but moving in together opened the door to communicate about splitting household duties and who would do what. There was no stress when we came back from our honeymoon about having to move, etc.

It worked for us, but to each their own.

JakesBride07 · October 2011

rmj80:

I feel a good marriage is a lot more about what you do RIGHT NOW than what you did prior to getting married.

I completely agree with you on that, no doubt.

wifeofaussie · October 2011

rmj80:
I think there are certain things that should not be done until after you are married...living together is one of them.

Yes

susanmosley · October 2011

I don't have any strong opinions on it. Do it if you want, don't if you don't. We dated for 7 years and didn't, and in retrospect, I wouldn't change it - it worked out great for us.

Cherryblossoms07 · October 2011

I think it is a good way to get to know the other person and know what it will be like once married. DH and I lived together for almost a year before we got married (we were engaged by that time).

laney75 · October 2011

I am not a fan. My husband knew my feelings. He asked me to move in with him (he owned his house) and so I did and he proposed a month later when we were on vacation in Maui. He'd be planning it for months though.

I do think it's important to date at least a year (generally) before getting engaged but if you try to test drive every person before you marry, I don't think that works.

Liz342 · October 2011

We didn't. It was mostly because of my upbringing though. I come from a pretty tradional Catholic family and my father was really against it. I know I could have lived with DH anyway but it wasn't worth it to me to cause problems.

We did spend several nights together before being married and we were also together for 5 years so it wasn't a big deal. I knew what I was getting with him and living together wouldn't have changed anything.

I would like to see my LOs do the same but I know it will be a longshot that anyone will wait to move in together by the time my kids are grown!

susanmosley · October 2011

rebus82:
I think about the worst thing you can do for a marriage is go into it having never lived together.

I think that is a funny statement. One of the best things we did (for us) was learn to live together once we were married - it wasn't that complicated as we knew each other well and weren't surprised by anything about each other - and it was a really fun deal meshing those parts of our lives. I'm glad we waited and go to do that as a newly married couple. It was one of the best parts of getting married. We didn't wait to live together for religious or moral purposes. We waited because we wanted part of getting married to be the excitement of living together.

At first I thought that statement was amusing, rebus. But after more thought I think it is naive and/or ignorant. Glad your method worked for you, it just isn't the "rule" for others. Dating for 7 years and not living together was perfect for us.

nekorayne · October 2011

JakesBride07:
rmj80:

I feel a good marriage is a lot more about what you do RIGHT NOW than what you did prior to getting married.

I completely agree with you on that, no doubt.

I also agree with this to!

But the reason I said I could not imagine marrying someone I had not lived with is that being roommates was a big part of our early dating relationship. So not so much as a whole that I could not marry anyone without living together first, but that it was an experience that DH and I went through together that made us realize we really loved each other and it just happened with us. We were silly and young but we were committed. We talked about marriage and just assumed we would be together forever, we were lucky that it ended up that we were meant for each other because it could have been a stupid mistake I guess,.

Honestly it was everything I really did not want to do but it worked for us! We had both been working hard and going to college and when we met we just clicked in a way that was more then "dating love" and our friendship just grew. I'm glad we had that time in our life because for us it was a time that we grew to love each other and know, when he asked me to marry him it was an accumulation of the life we had ended up making together.

But we had been with room mates and were just about to get married when we moved out to our own place. We moved to the city and started a new adventure together so even though we lived together before it truly felt like a nw chapter in our lives. I really think both ways are ok!

japatton05 · October 2011

I think it's a great idea!! DH and I lived together 2 years before we got married. IMHO, I think that is why a lot of our parents (at least in my parent's age group, I'm not sure the ages of everyone) are divorced. I think living together helps smooth any kinks that might come up after, and I definetly think it could make or break a marriage.

memali26 · October 2011

rmj80:
rebus82:

I think about the worst thing you can do for a marriage is go into it having never lived together. It is one of the biggest adjustments you can make as a person, and doing it after legally binding yourself to someone is just nuts.

I don't care what other people do in their relationships...but this sentiment sort of irritates me. I've been married for over 6 years and my husband and I have a fantastic marriage. We never lived together, never so much as spent the night at each other's homes, and never had sex before we got married. I'm proud of us for sticking to our beliefs (it was certainly hard not to give in at times, but it was really important to us!) and I really feel it had a hand in solidifying who we wanted to be as people as well as a couple together.

Ditto rmj. We've been married 5 years, and I wouldn't change the path we took for anything. It was hard, really hard, sticking to our beliefs about not living together/having sex before marriage, but for us, I think it just showed how much respect we had for each other and firmed up the foundation of trust, respect, and our mutual religious beliefs that we had built our relationship on.

pepomntpat · October 2011

I think it can go either way. I lived with an ex boyfriend for several years and it was a horrible experience. I didn't want to live with anyone again before marriage. I did move in with DH about a month before we got married due to circumstances with my apartment and a crummy landlord and we were definitely on the road to marriage.

I didn't want to live with anyone ever again unless I was sure it would end in marriage. That was because of my personal experience. I know plenty of other people who have had a lot of success living together with no marriage in sight.

I wouldn't tell anyone they should live together before marriage, nor would I tell anyone they should not. It really depends on what you are comfortable with and the kind of relationship you are looking for.

ETA: What I don't get though is that people say you should live together first to work out kinks. I think part of the divorce rate issue is that people are so unwilling to work out kinks in a marriage. Marriage is a commitment to work through kinks. And I just don't think I'd move in with someone with a test drive mindset. I would do it as a precursor to commitment.

And this isn't a moral thing. That mindset just doesn't make sense to me.

iteachk · October 2011

Before marriage, we:

Dated 3 years

Lived together 2 years

Were engaged 1.5 years

I wouldn't change it.

eaglesfan700 · October 2011

H asked me to move in with him after 4 months of dating and I said absolutely not. I am Catholic, but it wasn't even about that. I just did not feel right about living with someone without being at least engaged

I knew too many people who had the revolving door syndrome. If you do it once and it doesn't work out, where does it end?

I totally get that for most people it works out and I don't think it is bad for a relationship to live together - it just wasn't for me. I do however, resent the assumption that you need to do it to as a "test run" for marriage. I had waited long enough to get married, so I had no qualms about not living together. I trusted my own judgments

We did end up living together while engaged because my H's lease was up. My parents are super holy rollers, but I told my mom what was happening. She played some Jedi mind trick on my dad, because he was suddenly ok with it, but I think he just forgot ha ha

KiwiJ · October 2011

Here it's pretty much unheard of NOT to live together before marriage. And a lot of people live together long-term/forever and never feel the need to get married. DH and I were together a long time (7 years) before we got engaged. We moved in together once I finished university and got my first job, which was about 5 years into our relationship.

I wasn't that comfortable buying a house with him until we were engaged though. Luckily we found our first house after getting engaged, so it worked out perfectly for me.

JoannaJes · October 2011

alli2672:

I don't know. Doesn't it lead to a higher divorce rate? Or is that just some propaganda from the Catholic church?

ETA: I just found this from USA Today:
" The odds of divorce among women who married their only cohabiting partner were 28% lower than among women who never cohabited before marriage, according to sociologist Daniel Lichter of Cornell University in Ithaca, N.Y.

? Divorce rates for those who cohabit more than once are more than twice as high as for women who cohabited only with their eventual husbands, says Lichter's study, to be published in the Journal of Marriage and Family in December. "

So I'm not okay with the Catholic-bashing prejudice in this statement. I'm pretty sure there are many religions out there that are against co-habitation prior to marriage.

That being said, I lived with DH for a year prior to being married. It didn't change things one way or the other. If people want to do it, great, and if not, NBD. I don't think it makes or breaks a marriage.

jnksmom · October 2011

It was not for us for many reasons with the main one being our religious beliefs. Our parents and especially our grandparents would have flipped. I also like the idea of marriage meaning the start of our life together. Moving in together after marriage was really exciting and I enjoyed the first year of marriage working out the kinks as others have said.

With that said, I have no issue with other people doing it. If it works for you, great! I do have an issue with those who think my marriage is doomed because we didn't live together before we were married. We were only together for 10 months before we were married and I was out of the country for 4 of those. We did have some kinks to work through when we got married and moved in together but we worked through them and are very happy.

backinpgh · October 2011

i think people should live together. For us, the stress of learning to live together would have been too much on top of being newlyweds. I can't imagine not being secure that our lifestyles would mesh before getting married. There's so much to get used to...cleaning habits, budgeting, other personal quirks...I wanted to know all that up front.

Mama Jan · October 2011

wifeofaussie:

rmj80:
I think there are certain things that should not be done until after you are married...living together is one of them.

I agree with this.

penguingrrl · October 2011

I definitely think living together can make or break a relationship, so doing so before legally and emotionally tying your lives together is wise.

alli2672 · October 2011

JoannaJes:
alli2672:

I don't know. Doesn't it lead to a higher divorce rate? Or is that just some propaganda from the Catholic church?

ETA: I just found this from USA Today:
" The odds of divorce among women who married their only cohabiting partner were 28% lower than among women who never cohabited before marriage, according to sociologist Daniel Lichter of Cornell University in Ithaca, N.Y.

? Divorce rates for those who cohabit more than once are more than twice as high as for women who cohabited only with their eventual husbands, says Lichter's study, to be published in the Journal of Marriage and Family in December. "

So I'm not okay with the Catholic-bashing prejudice in this statement. I'm pretty sure there are many religions out there that are against co-habitation prior to marriage.

That being said, I lived with DH for a year prior to being married. It didn't change things one way or the other. If people want to do it, great, and if not, NBD. I don't think it makes or breaks a marriage.

I just got a lot of articles on it during pre-cana. I honestly don't know much about other religions viewpoint on this.

McAllie5 · October 2011

I say do what is right for you as a couple. There are so many factors coming together: finances, timing, Etc. It wasn't right for DH and I- we moved in after we got back from the honeymoon. We had a lot of fights that first year (cramped in a tiny apartment) but our marriage and how we wanted it to be kept us going. Looking back I feel we made the right decision for us. I have no judgement for anyone who does differently; who am I to say what's right for you?

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