Time eludes me...and so do my emotions

johnnys june · October 2011

I don't know where the time in an hour goes let alone a day, a week, or a month! I'm exhausted....mind, heart, body, and soul...and I don't know what to do or how to do it. Logan's birthday is fast approaching and no matter how hard or diligent I focus on positive things -- like my Logan's Hope Build-A-Box Project (donating memory boxes to the NICU in Logan's Honor) -- I can't seem to shake the subdued mood that lurks around every corner. AF isn't helping. I want to fall asleep in the middle of my work, dinner, and even now.

I order one of those photo books off shutterfly. It's full of pictures of my pregnancy, the NICU, and Logan. Even now I want to thumb it's pages, stare at my beautiful baby boy, and read the words that represented the happiest moments of my life....yet I'm haunted by the events leading up to his passing. The sudden preterm labor, the terrifying onset labor pains with no meds, the even scarier and lonely emergency c-section, and staring at my sons tiny, peach-fuzz covered body through the glass of the bed that held him instead of my body. ((cue the tears ))

I'm sorry, girls. I'm trying so hard to be positive. I really do want to celebrate my Logan, not mourn him. But I feel as though I stopped grieving. I'm numb, but not the without-feeling kind of numb. Rather the so-cold-deep-in-side-numb that hurts like hell but you can seem to satiate it. Am I depressed? Am I revisiting the grief that I so conveniently buried or walked away from months ago? Am I just tired from the heart ache of grieving my son and the journey of TTC at the same time?

*sigh* I have nowhere to turn but here. Even this morning, DH finally admitted to me that he's having a really hard time this month even seeing pictures of babies. A clip of the NICU came on the news and he immediately left the room. And he's not one to show emotions....ever. I just didn't think 1 year would be here already. I didn't think 1 year would feel so fresh. I didn't anticipate the depths of the heartache I still carry with me. I guess that's proof that life goes one....that the heartache never goes away...you just learn to live with it.

If you made it through this rambling, venting, blubbering post, here's a treat! A cupcake and a cookie!

Thanks for always being there to listen....whoever you are!

sgrobste · October 2011

I am fairly new to this board, but I wanted to start off by saying that I am incrediably sorry for your loss. I do not have experience with a loss of a preterm baby, but I am sure that all of your feelings are normal right now. I am also sure that still grieving your son and TTC has got to be a lot to handle. My thoughts and prayers are with you as his birthday approaches and from what I have seen on this board, everyone will be here for you with open arms when you need it. BIG ((HUGS))

cutebride73 · October 2011

((((hugs)))) I really think that what you are feeling must be normal. You lost your son and that wasn't supposed to happen. Things were supposed to be different and I can't imagine that you could feel any other way than what you are feeling. I think anniversaries of this sort are really hard and bring back all sorts of emotions. I am not sure that grief like this ever "resolves" but I do believe that there has to be some way to find peace or happiness again. That may not be today and you may need help to get through it, but I believe that it is somehow possible. I have seen so many girls on here find a way - I'm not sure how, but somehow they do.

We are certainly all here for you. You can come and vent your feelings anytime. (((((hugs)))))

Missa_g · October 2011

*huge hugs*I am so sorry you're dealing with so much grief. I think that you and your husband are amazing parents to Logan!

Cissi64 · October 2011

I'm so sorry you are going through this! I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal. I never lost a pre-term baby but for me, the anniversaries are always hard. And if you are like me, you will eventually "forget" for a while and then feel bad because you didn't feel bad. Grieving is a strange process that means different things to different people. I think your memory box project is a positive step and it must feel comforting knowing your are getting support for it. You may just need to give yourself permission to fall apart a little on his birthday. It is hard to stay strong for too long ans some times you have to hit bottom inordre to work your way backup.

I wish I had a magic wand so I could change things for you. I'll be praying for peace to come to you.

Cissi64 · October 2011

I'm so sorry you are going through this! I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal. I never lost a pre-term baby but for me, the anniversaries are always hard. And if you are like me, you will eventually "forget" for a while and then feel bad because you didn't feel bad. Grieving is a strange process that means different things to different people. I think your memory box project is a positive step and it must feel comforting knowing you are getting support for it. You may just need to give yourself permission to fall apart a little on his birthday. It is hard to stay strong for too long and sometimes you have to hit bottom in order to work your way backup.

I wish I had a magic wand so I could change things for you. I'll be praying for peace to come to you.

butterfly843 · October 2011

Sending hugs, I will keep you in my thoughts. Anniversaries like these are tough. Make sure you do something special for yourself that day. My sister is taking me for a massage, manicure and pedicure for my two year anniversary of when we lost our twins.

heathergirl67 · October 2011

TTC is a roller coaster of emotions all by itself. Add infant loss to that recipe and you're guaranteed a long, rough emotional road. Grieve him. Mourn him. Allow yourself to hurt and ache. He will still be celebrated. We will celebrate his life, the bright spark he brought to the world, though only for a short time. And when you are ready you will join us.

MandaS08 · October 2011

cutebride73:

((((hugs)))) I really think that what you are feeling must be normal. You lost your son and that wasn't supposed to happen. Things were supposed to be different and I can't imagine that you could feel any other way than what you are feeling. I think anniversaries of this sort are really hard and bring back all sorts of emotions. I am not sure that grief like this ever "resolves" but I do believe that there has to be some way to find peace or happiness again. That may not be today and you may need help to get through it, but I believe that it is somehow possible. I have seen so many girls on here find a way - I'm not sure how, but somehow they do.

We are certainly all here for you. You can come and vent your feelings anytime. (((((hugs)))))

I think cute bride said it very well. I'm so sorry that you're hurting so badly and you're in my thoughts!

ChristinaCT · October 2011

This literally brought me to tears. I am so very sorry that you had to experience a loss. You are doing a wonderful thing with Logan's hope build a box project. That is amazing & through your pain you are helping other families in similar experiences. I wish there was some way to give you a real hug & show you how far you have come.

Many (((hugs))) to you, your husband & sweet Logan.

lavril · October 2011

heathergirl67:
TTC is a roller coaster of emotions all by itself. Add infant loss to that recipe and you're guaranteed a long, rough emotional road. Grieve him. Mourn him. Allow yourself to hurt and ache. He will still be celebrated. We will celebrate his life, the bright spark he brought to the world, though only for a short time. And when you are ready you will join us.

This exactly.

I am so sorry for all that you've had to go through and for the loss of your beautiful baby boy. Big giant squishy ((((((HUGS)))))).

Carolee · October 2011

Big (((HUGS))), friend. I think what you're feeling is completely normal, and I think you really hit the nail on the head when you said that the heartache never goes away, but you learn to live with it. Some days are definitely harder than others.

Time eludes me...and so do my emotions

Re: Time eludes me...and so do my emotions

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