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Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
*Thursday Confessions*
I can't believe I injured my back. I don't know how much more a person can take.
Last night for the first time ever I said I wished I was dead. I was in so much physical pain at work and then the emotional pain caught up with me. I had the my me? syndrome.
and to top it off i got af for the first time in 43 days, the cramps were awful. That means I have begun my re testing, went this am for blood and ultrasound. I will see if I need to take the clomid challenge.
Happy to be moving on and maybe get some answers but breaking like glass out of fear of what they might find.
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Re: *Thursday Confessions*
* I am counting down the minutes to my OB post D&C followup....75 minutes!
* I am going to beg for permission to 1) work out and 2) FWpleasure now (1 week post D&C)
* I got a high on my CBEFM today! :-)
* Day two - no bleeding! Happy day!
* I am interviewing for a management position right after my doc appt. Wish me luck, I am just a little nervous.
#1 I am on a conference call right now and someone obviously thinks that they?re on mute but they?re not. They must have a headset on because I can hear them breathing heavily ? it sounds like a porno. I hate it when people do that!
#2 I still have extra weight from my pg and it is driving me CRAZY ? it all seems to be in lower abs and none of my pants fit normally. Everything is tight and each day when I get dressed it makes me hate my body a little more.
My confession?
I'm angry and bitter all over again. I was having a nice day, a good day even. Feeling hopeful and energetic for the first time in weeks and then I open up BOTB to see someone who used to be a regular with her first pregnancy post about her big u/s for her second pregnancy. It made me angry because she doesn't post there really at all anymore, and because she's had no trouble getting pregnant either time and because I'm not pregnant.
As if her announcement has anything to do with me. Of course not. It's exciting for her. I'm angry at myself for allowing the bitterness to wash over me. I'm still not at the point where I can listen to other people's pregnancy news without feeling bitterness or anger. I don't like it, but I can't control it.
Gabriel Ross - August 24, 2009 * Vivienne Rose - May 1, 2012
My Blog
* I am eating like sh it, and am about to go eat some honey cheese curls (omg...so good)
* I am spending every waking minute of every day waiting for AF...I check in the bathroom every hour it seems (I got up twice last night...just to check)
* Neither of my dogs have licenses right now...OOPS!
* I don't ever let DH look on the bump...it's MY thing.
* I'm still in shock sometimes that this happened. And I'm in the bitter stage a bit, too. I do have faith that it'll happen again for us, but I can't help but feel so, so jealous of people who are pregnant and who already have kids.
* The thought of burying the remains this weekend in our backyard creeps me out to no end but I don't know what else to do. And we only rent - but have lived here three years and will probably live her a few more years - so it makes it even weirder. I never thought I'd have to face such a decision.
* I love my husband like crazy and I'm so very thankful for him, and for all the other loving, supportive people in my life.
*I am having a 3rd ultrasound per my request today. Part of me is still in denial but the other part wants to get out of the surgery tomorrow.
* I have my D&E tomorrow morning. I am scared but ready to move on.
* I have missed 2 days of work today since I started bleeding. So that's the only reason I am going in today since I will miss tomorrow for my D&E.
*I really don't want to go to work today...its hard to see all of the pregnant patients...
*I have my 2nd "post partum" exam today...so long as my OB is not out delivering a new baby this afternoon...I have already been warned that I may get bumped. I really need to feel that every thing that pertains to thsi pregnancy is finished...I don't want to wait any longer for my final visit....
* Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since I delivered my little Peanut...I am lucky that my company is having their 1st annual company picnic tomorrow and they have asked to do the photos...so that will keep me busy for awhile....but I worry that I will not be able to keep it together in the evening....I HATE it when my DD sees me crying.
* I do not feel very productive at work...this is my first week back .
*I really don't want to go to work ...its hard to see the other two pregnant ladies...* I am mad because i was suppost to have a doc appt today but my ob is stuck in surgery and i cant get in to see him until next thursday now.
* i just have been feeling like crying lately but i dont because i dont want to cry anymore.
* i thought af was coming the other day because i started very lightly spotting but as fast as it started it stopped and that just made me even more mad.
* Sex is really starting to frusterate me because i cant seem to have a orgasam sorry tmi. and its making dh frusturated to.
* i am so happy i have all of u wonderful women in my life i dont think i would make it through this with out u.
Oh I am so sorry! I was totally in the "Why Me??" shoes yesterday...and early this morning....I changed them this afternoon - thanks to my big sis and a glass of merlot.
I'm glad to hear AF arrived - but sorry to hear she brought with her uninvited crampy friends - they always stay too long!
)
Take care, I hope you feel better soon and the clomid challenge brings great results.
All my best.
Sorry new to the whole thing-- confessions hmm... *** drinking a glass of wine at about 2:00 pm (actually I'm on 2...OK 2.5)
laid off of work all afternoon
really concerned that I may not be cut out for motherhood - is our m/c His way of telling me I'm not meant to be a mother? I'm not sure I'm ready to accept that answer.
Oh sweety! We still haven't decided - but I bought that box and DH said when we do bury it (which I think will be in our backyard) we can always move it when we move. I feel so bad for you - we will be right there going through the same thing this weekend. Take care and I hope you are feeling better soon.
Thanks, I'll be thinking of you this weekend.
And as for whether this is His way of telling you you're not cut out to be a mother, that's a bunch of bull *** and I hope you know so! Most women who have a m/c or even two or more go on to have perfectly healthy babies and be wonderful mothers. And I'm sure we all know of people who really should have never had children, as awful as that is to say. We don't always know why things happen the way they do, but I feel very strongly that a m/c is in NO way a sign that someone isn't meant to be a mother!
I totally had the "why me's" last night. Luckily, I have some really good friends who didn't try to cheer me up and just let me cry it out.
I am gaining weight because of the prednisone and still have a bump from Chloe that I need to get rid of because I find myself holding it and then realizing all over that she's not in there. And then it hurts all over.
I want to punch people who say "You can just try again." First, it is still devastating and still S*UCKS - just try again?! you have no idea, and second, thanks for checking - no I can't.
Ah. I feel better. Thank you. You ladies are amazing and I don't know that I would be this ok (I know, I'm not ok - LOL!) without you!
I meant MrsJulyBride's 2nd confession...?
* I am still missing Isaac like crazy... I literally physically ache thinking about it.
* I spent a LONG time at the cemetery today visiting Isaac's grave and just cried and cried and cried
* I can't stand being out and about and seeing couples carrying their babies in a baby carrier... it is so hard looking at others happily experiencing what I feel like my life should be looking like right now.
* I am dreading going back to work next Wednesday.
* I think I might eat Archer Farms toffee almond crunch popcorn for dinner!
I looked up a girl's blog that got pregnant a little before I did the first time and her big, gorgeous pregnant belly made me really jealous.
I am really looking forward to trying again - I cannot believe it - I actually have hope.
* I had my followup from methotrexate injections today for my ectopic. It went well, my OB is fantastic and so supportive. Very hopeful that next time will be successful. I could kiss her
*Was having a great day and so hopeful, then came home to DH who made a fantastic dinner with candlelight. It was very romantic. Then my mother called to ask about the appt. and said "well I'm glad you're doing better over that little bump in the road." BUMP IN THE ROAD?!?! So I got angry at her, cried and think I ruined DH's plans for the rest of the evening. Then cried some more because I felt guilty.
Boo.
*The other night I finished an entire pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream in one sitting. It was phenominal!