ROFR Question

SteveandKris · October 2011

So, our CO has both parents having ROFR for any period greater than 1 hour if the parent is not physically with SS. If SS were to have a play date after school (or something) does that mean that DH should at least KNOW about it?

I'm not suggesting that SS not be allow to have time with his friends, I'm just trying to understand how in 2 years BM has NEVER (not even ONCE) called DH for ROFR time... I CANNOT imagine being physically attached to anyone for 2 years.

karatechrissy · October 2011

I think that time frame is extreme. They actually agreed to that? If it were me I wouldn't be calling the other parent, not even as a heads up 'hey, ex, Jonny is going to be at a play date for 2 hours'. No. Wouldn't happen. sorry. That's ridiculous.

SteveandKris · October 2011

Neither agreed to it, it was ordered. I just can't imagine NEVER having been away from a child for more then an hour... in over 2 years. (When we're only EOW... so 12 days in a row, for 2 years, you NEVER left your child?) She's been in violation of the CO many times for other things, so this would just be icing on the cake...

She wouldn't left my BIL, SS's uncle take him for dinner, ON OUR TIME, because it would be more then an hour...

We are asking for EOWeek, NO ROFR for either... or ROFR for overnights only...

SteveandKris · October 2011

We have EOW and one 3 hour block in between (not even every week). She is certainly a hover-er, but I still say BULLSHIIT.

He knows that he is supposed to call if mom isn't there, but the ONE time we caught her, SS lied to our face about it... It was black friday and we had that weekend and asked if we could pick SS up early. BM said no... when we got there, she was nowhere to be found... SS said she "just left" and had this story about having pizza, etc. We asked his uncle (mom's brother) when J last ate and the brother told us that she was shopping all day and he and J had hotdogs and played video games...

Her work records just got to the laywers by subpeona... and she worked EOW all summer and didn't leave him with someone to go to work...

karatechrissy · October 2011

Just saw your other post and I'm remembering more of your background. I think your proposal sounds more than fair. I'd be gettin to court ASAP over the asthma stuff for sure.

SteveandKris · October 2011

Holls2011:
nevermind, saw other post. She may be lying, but you never know. I don't know how you would prove that to the Court? BM in our situation believes that DH should follow the CO but she doesn't have to. I just have to remind DH to pick his battles. I would much rather deal with crazy every once in a while then to deal with it on a constant basis because he wants to make a point to her.

This is her... she's been fined for contempt and then goes back to doing the same thing that just cost her $5k!

SteveandKris · October 2011

karatechrissy:
Just saw your other post and I'm remembering more of your background. I think your proposal sounds more than fair. I'd be gettin to court ASAP over the asthma stuff for sure.

DH has medical custody. If mom continues to refuse to treat, we can ask the school nurse to do so. However, despite claiming he has NO problems, she is sending him EVERYWHERE with his inhaler, so I'm happy about that.

If she wants to challenge DH's medical decisions, there has been an MD appointed for this case. Any challenges will cost her OOP, so I think she will start to be more agreeable. I think she realizes he is ill and is just blowing smoke to start shiit.

There is now a court date based on the medical stuff for late November.

SteveandKris · October 2011

wendilea:

I agree with Chrissy - 1 hour is extreme. My understanding of ROFR was if the parent was unable to care for the child for X period of time and needed a BABYSITTER, the other parent was to be offered that time before a babysitter was hired. I don't think it has to do with playdates or going over to a friend's house. ROFR is not designed to make blended kids spend 24/7/365 with only their parents.

I don't remember your backstory - are you close in proximity to BM? I think these clauses only work well when you are living 10-15 minutes away from each other. If BF was an hour away, and BM needed to go to the doctor (say for a pelvic, didn't want to bring your SS), it wouldn't be very practical for BF to execute his ROFR for a 30 minute appointment. But, if you were only 10 minutes away, he could swing over and pick up SS, go for ice cream or something, and bring him back after BM was done with her appointment.

The problem with ROFR is you have to be willing to disclose all of your plans to the other parent. It won't work if there's a lot of animosity or if one parent just can't deal with the fact the other is dating, for example.

So, in theory, we could use our time to have SS spend time with his uncles, since we would not be HIRING someone?

We are 7.5 miles away (about 15 minutes with traffic) - PERFECTLY acceptable distance to grab him quick.

Edit: AND she doesn't drive... whick just pisses me off... she lives in the suburbs... i don't understand how adults don't know HOW to drive... I understand that cars are expensive, etc, but to not even know HOW????

SteveandKris · October 2011

wendilea:

I would see no problem with him spending time with his uncles on your time. Kids need to spend time with extended family as well. I think it's a clause that is easily abused - it's a power thing. In a perfect world, it's used for circumstances where the child would be left with someone he has no attachment to (babysitter, daycare, etc) when the other parent is available to watch him. It makes no sense for Johnny to go to daycare if dad is home and willing/able to care for him. Or if Johnny is sick and stays home from school, but mom has to work, and dad can work from home and take care of him.

The responses came in while I was typing - I don't think she can control letting your BIL take him to dinner. That's just stupid, and a perfect example of abusing the clause.

I think your proposition is more than fair. I would get rid of the ROFR clause unless it's for an extended period or overnight, it's only going to cause problems.

That's what DH and I want to do. Initially, only we had ROFR (since we're EOW) and for time over 3 hours. She claimed this wasn't fair and both parties now have ROFR for periods over 1 hour... Uncle had Phillies playoff tix (on our time) and mom wouldn't let him go... I'm so over this power struggle...

J&A2008 · October 2011

LO was two before I left him with anyone for more than an hour. I am with my kids 24/7 minus the time they are in school. DH and I have date nights, but those would easily fit into your EOW schedule.

I know you have other issues with her, but you may be nitpicking here. I think if you approach anyone with a "but she lets him go on playdates for longer than an hour" you're going to look like the one without SS's best interests in mind, which I know isn't true.

SteveandKris · October 2011

J&A2008:

LO was two before I left him with anyone for more than an hour. I am with my kids 24/7 minus the time they are in school. DH and I have date nights, but those would easily fit into your EOW schedule.

I know you have other issues with her, but you may be nitpicking here. I think if you approach anyone with a "but she lets him go on playdates for longer than an hour" you're going to look like the one without SS's best interests in mind, which I know isn't true.

The issue isn't that she let him go on play dates, but rather that she does this and won't let him have a 2-hour bowling and dinner "date" with my BIL (on our time)

Also, she is required to let DH know if he is not physically spending the night in her home. We don't mind if he has sleepovers, we just need to know where he is, especially with the medical crap that's been happening.

We are asking for EOWeek with NO ROFR - she currently leaves him with her mother - which is FINE, except we have SO little time already AND she throws a hissy fit if we suggest he go to a baseball game with BIL on our time.

With equal time, we feel that each parent should be able to spend that how they want, even if that means "giving it away" to their family. We want ROFR for periods OVER 24 hours (family or not...) - like if BM went away for the weekend with her BF, she would have to offer him to DH, whether or not her mom was available.

odear · October 2011

SteveandKris:
J&A2008:

LO was two before I left him with anyone for more than an hour. I am with my kids 24/7 minus the time they are in school. DH and I have date nights, but those would easily fit into your EOW schedule.

I know you have other issues with her, but you may be nitpicking here. I think if you approach anyone with a "but she lets him go on playdates for longer than an hour" you're going to look like the one without SS's best interests in mind, which I know isn't true.

The issue isn't that she let him go on play dates, but rather that she does this and won't let him have a 2-hour bowling and dinner "date" with my BIL (on our time)

Also, she is required to let DH know if he is not physically spending the night in her home. We don't mind if he has sleepovers, we just need to know where he is, especially with the medical crap that's been happening.

We are asking for EOWeek with NO ROFR - she currently leaves him with her mother - which is FINE, except we have SO little time already AND she throws a hissy fit if we suggest he go to a baseball game with BIL on our time.

With equal time, we feel that each parent should be able to spend that how they want, even if that means "giving it away" to their family. We want ROFR for periods OVER 24 hours (family or not...) - like if BM went away for the weekend with her BF, she would have to offer him to DH, whether or not her mom was available.

Yeah, she is really abusing this. That is not was ROFR was designed for. As a pp pointed out, ROFR is to cover times when a babysitter would be needed, NOT to dictate what each parent can/can't allow the child to do on his/her parenting time.

Frankly, and this may not be a popular opinion, but it is YOUR parenting time so why does BM even have to know about the baseball game? I have a hard time believing that any judge would interpret RORF to be that the child can't spend more than 1 hour outside the direct care of one bio-parent or another. We don't give BM a detailed itinerary of everything we do with SD when we have her, nor does she do that for us.

SteveandKris · October 2011

odear:
SteveandKris:
J&A2008:

LO was two before I left him with anyone for more than an hour. I am with my kids 24/7 minus the time they are in school. DH and I have date nights, but those would easily fit into your EOW schedule.

I know you have other issues with her, but you may be nitpicking here. I think if you approach anyone with a "but she lets him go on playdates for longer than an hour" you're going to look like the one without SS's best interests in mind, which I know isn't true.

The issue isn't that she let him go on play dates, but rather that she does this and won't let him have a 2-hour bowling and dinner "date" with my BIL (on our time)

Also, she is required to let DH know if he is not physically spending the night in her home. We don't mind if he has sleepovers, we just need to know where he is, especially with the medical crap that's been happening.

We are asking for EOWeek with NO ROFR - she currently leaves him with her mother - which is FINE, except we have SO little time already AND she throws a hissy fit if we suggest he go to a baseball game with BIL on our time.

With equal time, we feel that each parent should be able to spend that how they want, even if that means "giving it away" to their family. We want ROFR for periods OVER 24 hours (family or not...) - like if BM went away for the weekend with her BF, she would have to offer him to DH, whether or not her mom was available.

Yeah, she is really abusing this. That is not was ROFR was designed for. As a pp pointed out, ROFR is to cover times when a babysitter would be needed, NOT to dictate what each parent can/can't allow the child to do on his/her parenting time.

Frankly, and this may not be a popular opinion, but it is YOUR parenting time so why does BM even have to know about the baseball game? I have a hard time believing that any judge would interpret RORF to be that the child can't spend more than 1 hour outside the direct care of one bio-parent or another. We don't give BM a detailed itinerary of everything we do with SD when we have her, nor does she do that for us.

Which is what we're hoping for us well - however, the last time we left him with BIL (his BIOLOGICAL UNCLE, my DH's brother) - she threw a hissy fit about suing for contempt - it didn't go that far.

However, the "not out of my sight for more then an hour" seems to be what she's thinking as well, as she had SS LIE to DH and me when she left him with her sister. (DH specifically asked for the time, she told him SHE was spending it with SS, left SS with his aunt and then had SS memorize a story about all the things he did with mommy...) (we found out the truth from BM's brother... Its just the pattern of it all

ballmom · October 2011

I say let him go out with his uncle on your time. If you would still be available to care for him then ROFR is not an issue. Play hardball with her, let her file a damn contempt motion and see how far it goes with the judge. Classic case of Golden Uterus Syndrome.

odear · October 2011

ballmom:
I say let him go out with his uncle on your time. If you would still be available to care for him then ROFR is not an issue. Play hardball with her, let her file a damn contempt motion and see how far it goes with the judge. Classic case of Golden Uterus Syndrome.

Ditto this. DH is his parent and can let him do as he sees fit during HIS parenting time. Let her file contempt for it. If she does (and that sounds like a big IF...) she will be the one who looks like an ass.

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