mom assuming things about delivery room.

kurokai · October 2011

My SO has decreed to everyone that the day is about him and I, and no one else will be allowed to visit. I was planning on just this, but I didn't think anyone was planning on it. I've said I don't want visitors after baby is born to allow for bonding time between him, SO, and I as a new family.

Well. My mom assumed she was exempt from both these decrees and gave me a huge guilt-trip about it, since her best friend is going to get to be there. Well, yes, but her best friend is my doula and will be there in a professional capacity, not a personal one. She said she'd be waiting in the waiting room - even though I've told her I do not want visitors for the first day and that I'd let her know if I changed my mind.

emilyj77 · October 2011

Just don't tell her when you go into labor and call her 24 hours after delivery.

mama&baby · October 2011

If you have tried to talk to her about it in a reasonable way (which it sounds like you have) and she STILL won't respect your decision then your best option may be to just not call her (or anyone else) until you are ready to be visited in the hospital. Yes, she will be angry with you, but she needs to respect your decision. Just make sure you treat her like everyone else with the notification-- she will never forgive you if you call someone else to let them know you are in labor but not her. Also, since your doula is friends with her, let her know of your plan beforehand to make sure she is OK with that plan.

kurokai · October 2011

I live with her - she'll get to spend the vast majority of early labor with me because of this, just not once I get to the hospital. This is why I really don't understand why she's so bent out of shape.

honeybee #1 · October 2011

kurokai:
I live with her - she'll get to spend the vast majority of early labor with me because of this, just not once I get to the hospital. This is why I really don't understand why she's so bent out of shape.

That complicates matters. I would ask your doctor/the nurses etc in your maternity ward if they will make sure to allow in only the people you want. Most will.

sbelle3 · October 2011

When I had my first baby I didn't want my family in the room until I had the epidural. I was just scared and didn't know what to expect and didn't my parents to see me in pain. My mom got all huffy and puffy about it (and STILL brings it up 5 years later!) and the nurses were awesome about it. The made some excuses and took the blame on themselves as to why no one could be in the room. They should help you out.

MommaErica · October 2011

kurokai:
I live with her - she'll get to spend the vast majority of early labor with me because of this, just not once I get to the hospital. This is why I really don't understand why she's so bent out of shape.

I completely understand why she's bent out of shape. The fact that she will be around to support you through early labor and then be barred from meeting her grandchild is really kind of crappy. Look, I am a huge supporter of parents rights to set limits around labor and delivery and visitors and all of that but, you've set up a situation that's a little odd. You are still very young and you still live at home. You are still her baby. You can't really understand what that means yet but, in a few moths you will. I'm not saying YOU are a baby, I'm saying you are still HER baby. She wants to see that you have come through the other side and she wants to see you with your beautiful child and she wants to meet her grandchild.

Since you are doing most of the work of laboring in her house and then bringing your baby home to her house, I do think it's very odd you are barring her from the hospital. You will have plenty of time to bond with your new baby. Unless I'm confusing you with someone else, isn't your boyfriend even refusing to live with you because he doesn't want to be in your mom's house? Seriously, it's more important for your mom to bond with this child than him. SHE is helping to support you and the baby, SHE will be there come hell or high water day in and day out for this baby. Your boyfriend? Well, that's a huge question. HE hasn't stepped up yet, I hope he does but, I really don';t think you can count on it.

If I have you confused with someone else, I apologize and just disregard.

Bottom line, it's your choice but, I would strongly encourage you to reconsider this policy with your mom. Considering how much of the process she is a part of and that she will be a member of this child's immediate family. Also, hiring her best friend if you planned to exclude her was probably not a great choice and likely muddies the waters a bit more here.

If you were independent and lived on your own, that would be one thing but given how much you depend upon her and how much she is there for you and will be there for the baby, a few minutes for her to meet the child after he is born really isn't a lot to give in return. Ultimately it is definitely your choice but, given the circumstances, I think you should reconsider.

BBCfamily · October 2011

Why don't you just play it by ear. A few hours maybe but to ask her to wait days to see the baby seems kind of extreme to me if you live with her. You never know what will happen. My son got taken to special care for a few hours after birth. You will still bond with your baby.

authorofdreamz · October 2011

I think that it is incredibly rude and selfish of you to deny your mom that opportunity. How will you feel when you are the mom being denied seeing your grandchild? I mean I understand wanting an hour or so of intimate family time but the entire first day? I couldn't imagine doing that to my mom or having my daughter do that to me.

varkeyr · October 2011

emilyj77:
Just don't tell her when you go into labor and call her 24 hours after delivery.

This but also make sure her best friend/your doula does not call her to let her know you are in labor. Otherwise you might have problems.

kurokai · October 2011

MommaErica:
kurokai:
I live with her - she'll get to spend the vast majority of early labor with me because of this, just not once I get to the hospital. This is why I really don't understand why she's so bent out of shape.
I completely understand why she's bent out of shape. The fact that she will be around to support you through early labor and then be barred from meeting her grandchild is really kind of crappy. Look, I am a huge supporter of parents rights to set limits around labor and delivery and visitors and all of that but, you've set up a situation that's a little odd. You are still very young and you still live at home. You are still her baby. You can't really understand what that means yet but, in a few moths you will. I'm not saying YOU are a baby, I'm saying you are still HER baby. She wants to see that you have come through the other side and she wants to see you with your beautiful child and she wants to meet her grandchild.
Since you are doing most of the work of laboring in her house and then bringing your baby home to her house, I do think it's very odd you are barring her from the hospital. You will have plenty of time to bond with your new baby. Unless I'm confusing you with someone else, isn't your boyfriend even refusing to live with you because he doesn't want to be in your mom's house? Seriously, it's more important for your mom to bond with this child than him. SHE is helping to support you and the baby, SHE will be there come hell or high water day in and day out for this baby. Your boyfriend? Well, that's a huge question. HE hasn't stepped up yet, I hope he does but, I really don';t think you can count on it.
If I have you confused with someone else, I apologize and just disregard.
Bottom line, it's your choice but, I would strongly encourage you to reconsider this policy with your mom. Considering how much of the process she is a part of and that she will be a member of this child's immediate family. Also, hiring her best friend if you planned to exclude her was probably not a great choice and likely muddies the waters a bit more here.
If you were independent and lived on your own, that would be one thing but given how much you depend upon her and how much she is there for you and will be there for the baby, a few minutes for her to meet the child after he is born really isn't a lot to give in return. Ultimately it is definitely your choice but, given the circumstances, I think you should reconsider.

You're right, but we had a long discussion and he's starting the whole growing up process. He's agreed to see my therapist (free of charge, because she's awesome), to deal with his issues with the past and depression (which is a big factor now that his life is changing so dramatically). He's bucking up and he's gotten used to the idea of living at my house. He - and I - had a couple off-weeks as things got closer and more "real" to him than they were before. I can understand and forgive because I know how depression is - I've dealt with it since I was a teenager. He has agreed to live here on work days and either spend the days he doesn't work with his mom or a friends, which is what the original suggestion was since the house is so crowded as it is. I just didn't see the need to update the bump on this.

And to clarify - I'm not barring anyone from the hospital. I don't know what shape I'll be post-delivery, and would rather rest up before I ask people to come visit. If after delivery, I'm up for it, I'll let them know - but for now, I'm asking that people wait until I invite them. If I was delivering at home, I would not want my mother in the room. As for the waiting room thing, we live five minutes from the hospital and she'd be more comfortable there.

kurokai · October 2011

authorofdreamz:
I think that it is incredibly rude and selfish of you to deny your mom that opportunity. How will you feel when you are the mom being denied seeing your grandchild? I mean I understand wanting an hour or so of intimate family time but the entire first day? I couldn't imagine doing that to my mom or having my daughter do that to me.

She's known this the entire time. I've stated it the entire time. I've been outspoken about it the entire time. Hell, she actually was the one who suggested it. I'm also pretty positive my feelings will change once the baby's here and I will not want to wait 24 hours to have visitors, probably more like 4 or 5.

smilelari · October 2011

Honestly, if I were your mom I'd be offended. Of course, there should be boundaries and she doesn't need to be in the delivery room or hang out for hours after the baby is born, but, really? Banning her from the hospital completely? I can't even imagine.

smilelari · October 2011

kurokai:
authorofdreamz:
I think that it is incredibly rude and selfish of you to deny your mom that opportunity. How will you feel when you are the mom being denied seeing your grandchild? I mean I understand wanting an hour or so of intimate family time but the entire first day? I couldn't imagine doing that to my mom or having my daughter do that to me.

She's known this the entire time. I've stated it the entire time. I've been outspoken about it the entire time. Hell, she actually was the one who suggested it. I'm also pretty positive my feelings will change once the baby's here and I will not want to wait 24 hours to have visitors, probably more like 4 or 5.

You might not even need to see your mom. Why doesn't SO just carry the baby out so that your mom can meet the baby while you're recovering? A lot of hospitals are set up for it to work this way anyways (mine is)

kurokai · October 2011

smilelari:
Honestly, if I were your mom I'd be offended. Of course, there should be boundaries and she doesn't need to be in the delivery room or hang out for hours after the baby is born, but, really? Banning her from the hospital completely? I can't even imagine.

Again - I'm not banning her completely. She doesn't want to wait in the waiting room, she wants to be there for the delivery - and if she's in the waiting room, she'll pressure me into letting her be there for the delivery. I know my mother. She's pushy. Hence, she's been told the same as everyone else - "We'd like to wait 24 hours before accepting visitors. We will text or call if that changes." Which it most likely will.

authorofdreamz · October 2011

kurokai:
Again - I'm not banning her completely. She doesn't want to wait in the waiting room, she wants to be there for the delivery - and if she's in the waiting room, she'll pressure me into letting her be there for the delivery. I know my mother. She's pushy. Hence, she's been told the same as everyone else - "We'd like to wait 24 hours before accepting visitors. We will text or call if that changes." Which it most likely will.

Sorry thats what it sounded like from your first post. It sounded more like we'll let you know if anything changes..but don't hold your breath kind of thing.

I can understand why she'd want to be there for delivery I mean you are still very young and living at home and as PP said you are still "her baby" and she wants to be there for you. I would just say that your hospital only allows one person in the delivery room and if she chooses to wait in the waiting room that should be up to her, since you can't actually stop her anyway you can only keep her out of your room. I think it's part of the excitement to wait around and then get the notification from the doctor that LO is born. I know my/SO family are excited to wait even though we all live close enough to the hospital that they could easily just come after the baby is born especially since my hospital doesn't allow visitors until one hour after delivery.

MommaErica · October 2011

kurokai:
MommaErica:
kurokai:
I live with her - she'll get to spend the vast majority of early labor with me because of this, just not once I get to the hospital. This is why I really don't understand why she's so bent out of shape.
I completely understand why she's bent out of shape. The fact that she will be around to support you through early labor and then be barred from meeting her grandchild is really kind of crappy. Look, I am a huge supporter of parents rights to set limits around labor and delivery and visitors and all of that but, you've set up a situation that's a little odd. You are still very young and you still live at home. You are still her baby. You can't really understand what that means yet but, in a few moths you will. I'm not saying YOU are a baby, I'm saying you are still HER baby. She wants to see that you have come through the other side and she wants to see you with your beautiful child and she wants to meet her grandchild.
Since you are doing most of the work of laboring in her house and then bringing your baby home to her house, I do think it's very odd you are barring her from the hospital. You will have plenty of time to bond with your new baby. Unless I'm confusing you with someone else, isn't your boyfriend even refusing to live with you because he doesn't want to be in your mom's house? Seriously, it's more important for your mom to bond with this child than him. SHE is helping to support you and the baby, SHE will be there come hell or high water day in and day out for this baby. Your boyfriend? Well, that's a huge question. HE hasn't stepped up yet, I hope he does but, I really don';t think you can count on it.
If I have you confused with someone else, I apologize and just disregard.
Bottom line, it's your choice but, I would strongly encourage you to reconsider this policy with your mom. Considering how much of the process she is a part of and that she will be a member of this child's immediate family. Also, hiring her best friend if you planned to exclude her was probably not a great choice and likely muddies the waters a bit more here.
If you were independent and lived on your own, that would be one thing but given how much you depend upon her and how much she is there for you and will be there for the baby, a few minutes for her to meet the child after he is born really isn't a lot to give in return. Ultimately it is definitely your choice but, given the circumstances, I think you should reconsider.

You're right, but we had a long discussion and he's starting the whole growing up process. He's agreed to see my therapist (free of charge, because she's awesome), to deal with his issues with the past and depression (which is a big factor now that his life is changing so dramatically). He's bucking up and he's gotten used to the idea of living at my house. He - and I - had a couple off-weeks as things got closer and more "real" to him than they were before. I can understand and forgive because I know how depression is - I've dealt with it since I was a teenager. He has agreed to live here on work days and either spend the days he doesn't work with his mom or a friends, which is what the original suggestion was since the house is so crowded as it is. I just didn't see the need to update the bump on this.
And to clarify - I'm not barring anyone from the hospital. I don't know what shape I'll be post-delivery, and would rather rest up before I ask people to come visit. If after delivery, I'm up for it, I'll let them know - but for now, I'm asking that people wait until I invite them. If I was delivering at home, I would not want my mother in the room. As for the waiting room thing, we live five minutes from the hospital and she'd be more comfortable there.

I'm really glad to hear those things about your boyfriend Certainly you aren't required to update us on anything. It is always nice to hear good news though. However it seems here at times, you do actually have a lot of people on your side and rooting for you

Immediately after the birth of our son, we got over an hour in the delivery room with just him, my husband and myself. My husband didn't call anyone to tell them he had been born until they took him to get his vit K shot and bathed and thoroughly checked out (my husband stayed with the baby all through that and I used the time to get cleaned up). I didn't let anyone come right in either.

Your original post made it sound like you were looking for a day or more with no one. Given the support that your mom has been and will continue to be and the role she will have in this child's life, I am just encouraging you to be "up for it" sooner rather than later in her case. SHe doesn't have to visit for long but, a shorter earlier visit is going to mean more to her than a longer later visit. The nurses will help you kick her out again

I'm not suggesting you let her trample all over your birth experience but, I am suggesting that you let her see you and meet her grandbaby fairly soon after the delivery, even if it means stretching your comfort zone a little. It's probably going to be stretching her comfort zone a little to have an infant in the house again but, she's going to do it gladly because you are her child and she loves and supports you. So, let her love and support you and this new baby. Don't treat her like every other visitor who you have to be "up for."

That's why she's hurt. She's treating you like the very special and very important person you are. And you're treating her like anyone else.

MommaErica · October 2011

Okay, just read all your replies to everyone else. I didn't get AT ALL that she was requesting to be in the delivery room.

That is out of line.

Although, if you let her stay in the waiting room, the nurses will keep her out and she won't have any access to pressure you.

smilelari · October 2011

Any chance you could labor somewhere besides her house? I think ideally you'd call when the baby was born so that she could show up at the hospital pretty quickly after the birth. Plus, do you really want her around while you're laboring? I didn't even want DH around :P I was perfectly happy that he was sleeping in the other room

Amanda Harvey · October 2011

I understand where u are coming from but I think you should do some soul searching. You may find that you really really need your mom there for support. I would at the very least let her see baby at hospital a couple of hours later and his mom too.

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