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January 2011 Moms
MarSamWhitney
member
Am I the only one with a stepchild on this board?
MarSamWhitney
member
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Am I the only one with a stepchild on this board?
There used to be a few other people, but I think that's before the fb sorority was formed. Have questions?
Sure, I'll bounce a Q off you:
Has he started making up lies about me and telling his mother because:
A: He hates me
B: His mom bad mouths me, (she does.) and he is seeking approval.
C: He is just a turd.
I have been nothing but overly good to him, and I have felt myself backing off the past few months. I recently deleted him on FB, because he was going on and on about how happy he is to have his older Step sister back in his life. This would be his step dads child, who they were all forbidden to see until she turned 18. She just turned 18 and he is over the moon.
He does not look at my LO, talk to her, anything- and I have never seen him over the moon on having a younger sister. It hurt my feelings, and like a child- I deleted him.
I suppose my question should be:
As a 13 year old step child- would you rather your step mom stop trying to take you bowling for quality time, text you a few times a week, or try to engage you in any way?
Its been like this for years. I finally stopped texting, and asking him to do stuff with me. I would seriously ask him to go bowling or something when H was working and he would just stare at me. Then like 15 seconds later he would say "I dont care. But literally if H asked him, or his grandparents, he was pumped.
Its me, isnt it. LOL.
I'm also a step-child, so I will be honest with you here...
I hated my SM from the start. Mostly because of how my dad lied about who she was. He'd travel to see his "friend", then one day his "friend" was all of a sudden his girlfriend, and guess what? She's moving in with him! And what guess what? They're getting married! She was always cordial, but you could tell there were constantly sarcastic undertones (I could tell all this and I was only approx 10 years old). I'm sure you're not a biotch like she was though.
Anyways, for whatever reason, it appears that your SS is not your biggest fan. I would back off. My SM and I never talked except when I was in town to visit and even then we kept it to a minimum. It was kind of an unspoken agreement we had and that worked for us. What I'm saying is: you two don't HAVE TO be best buds. It's ok to just be cordial.
He's a teenage boy. It's gonna take some time. A lot of time.
FWIW, My SM and I are still not superduper close, but since I became pregnant she has really reached out to me, and DD. This year was the first year I sent her a mother's day card (from DD, but still).
I hope I didn't hurt your feelings. I just wanted you to know that it's completely ok and normal to not be bestest friends.
Having divorced parents is really hard, especially when they're having babies with people who aren't your mom and dad. I'm sure it's nothing personal, it's just a cruddy situation.
I have step parents on both sides, so I'll give you my 2cents.
My step dad- married my mom when I was 11, and ditto lots of things SH already said. I hated him from the start because of the entire situation. He moved in with my mom, they got married and had a new baby, and all the sudden I was the outcast and the burden on their "new" "perfect" family. I still dislike him, just because he's not my kind of person. But even if he was super nice, I wouldn't want to spend any extra time with him or take the kids to visit or anything like that.
my step mom- I've had 2. One when I was around 13. And I got along well with her, I think because we were both girls and could do "girly" things together. I also liked my step- siblings from her family and we all got along great. (I still don't have much to do with my mom's new kids) Then that marriage didn't work out and I now have ANOTHER step mom who married my dad when I was like 22. They have a little girl younger than Joshua, but I refer to her as my sister, not half-sister. I get along wonderfully with my "step-mom" because I met her as an adult and she wasn't at all threatening the way she could have been if we met when I was a kid. Plus she's a super sweet person, so that helps of course.
All that to say, I think your SS's behavior has a lot to do with his age, the fact that you're different genders, and his mom's behavior doesn't help any. I'd also say just step back and keep things cordial like SH suggested. There's nothing wrong with that. He's a teenage kid and will act like a PITA for a long time coming I'm sure, don't beat yourself up trying to be his best friend.
And FWIW- my brother stopped talking to my step-dad and mom, stopped visiting, and hated our half siblings when he was 12. He's 22 now and JUST started visiting again. A ton of that had to do with my dad always bad mouthing them, but it lasted so long because my mom kept trying to push the issue. She's show up where he works, call incessantly, etc. When she finally gave it up for the past year is when he came around.
Best of luck with all this. I know it's hard because I know the sh!t I gave my SD. *hugs*
Oh man, that stinks. I would have to agree with what Broccoli & SH have to say.
First, no matter what he is a young teen, too cool for anyone or anything.
Second, no matter what you do, he's probably going to have a wall up for some time because you take his dad's attention. This was how I felt. The other kids, the spouse, all took attention away from me and for that I held resentments. In my situation, I also felt like an outsider in their family. I always viewed my mom, SD, and 1/2 sis and brother as a family and I was just there. It was sad, but my mom was a great mom and there was nothing she could have done to make me feel differently.
As for the older stepsister - I'm sure some of the infatuation has to do with the fact that he could not see her for so long so there was probably a lot of hype with getting to see her. And to me, older siblings seem way cooler than younger ones that people swoon over.
It's a tough situation for him, I'm sure. And the fact that you want to feel like a family makes it hard for you too I would imagine. I would keep reaching out to him every so often. That would let him know you want to be a part of his life and you want him to be a part of yours. Eventually he'll mature some and come around hopefully.
No, you didnt hurt my feelings at all. I have been backing off for awile because I thought that was what was best for my sanity. I just didnt want to be a jerk for backing off.
No, you didnt hurt my feelings at all. I have been backing off for awile because I thought that was what was best for my sanity. I just didnt want to be a jerk for backing off.
Thanks for all of the insight. I come from parents who have been married 35 years. I have never seen them raise their voices, talk ill of anyone, or be rude, EVER. They are often refered to as June and Ward Cleaver! So...for me to have a blended family with drama and odd dynamics- I can't relate.
Very good advice in this thread, thank you again.
On a side note- all of these posts remind me why I have to try so hard to make this marriage work with H. He makes me utterly insane, and we were inches away from divorce when I some how got pregnant after 2 years of trying, and finally admitted it wasnt going to happen, here came Whitney.
I have a feeling she was brought into my life to keep us together, and to make my hair completly grey by the age of 35! lol.