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Dust for DH please (and some questions and a vent)
Things aren't going so good here.
About a month ago, DH went on a business trip and had a week-long headache. He thought it might be a tension headache from the stress of traveling and his job, but the night he got back, the pain was so severe, we almost went to the emergency room. We saw the doctor the next day. She did a CT scan, which came back normal, and diagnosed him with shingles. She put him on painkillers and anti-virals and told him to check in after the weekend. Those meds didn't offer a lot of relief and a week later we went back. She changed up the meds and we finally started seeing some improvement. Half a week later he felt well enough to work from home and I thought we were in the clear.
On Monday he had a headache again, but went to work. Yesterday he woke up so nauseous he couldn't get out of bed. We went back to the doctor. She said it was a migraine, which DH has never had before, gave him some anti-nausea meds and a muscle relaxant, and a referral to a neurologist. I'm kind of confused by all of this, but that's a whole other story.
So I need get well soon dust for DH, but I need some for me too. This has been really trying on both of us. I can't get DH to eat or drink anything. I've tried gently explaining that if he doesn't drink water, he's going to end up in the emergency room for dehydration. (TMI: He's vomiting occasionally, not replacing fluids.) I've been there. It's not fun. DH hates to be nagged and snaps at me when I check on him (usually because I'm also reminding him to take a sip of water). I'm not sure if I should just let it go and not bother him or what. How do you get someone to take care of themselves? I can't pour the water down his throat. That would be a whole other issue...
Last night I was pretty certain he had a temperature so I asked if he would let me get him the thermometer. So I'm handing it to him, he opens his mouth so I think he wants me to just put it under his tongue. No. He was trying to say something and when I moved the thermometer closer (but not even to his lips) lashed out at me about "trying to shove it down his throat." The actual words and the tone he used were much harsher. So harsh, I just put the thermometer on the table and left the room to have a good cry. I get that he's frustrated and in a world of pain on top of it, but being spoken to like that hurts.
I feel like I'm at the end of my rope and it's only been a couple of days for this round. I'm worried about him. I don't know how to help him. I feel like any attempt at helping him does more harm than good. Any advice for dealing with a sick spouse? Our sicknesses so far have been nothing like this and I'm a little embarrassed to say I don't really know how to take care of other people.
Bless you if you've made it this far. Advice, good thoughts, prayers would be much appreciated.
Thank you.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Dust for DH please (and some questions and a vent)
(hugs)
I'm so sorry you (and he) are dealing with this. I don't have any advice, just sympathy. I imagine that it's very difficult to see someone you love in pain and not be able to help. I hope he gets some relief soon.
Oh man, that sucks.
First of all, I hope he gets better ASAP and they can figure out what's wrong. That must be horrible.
Secondly, sick men are the worst. DH reacts the same way, and we almost always end up having a fight either while he's sick or right after. I feel so bad, but he is just so impossible to deal with!
While I haven't found a solution to the problem, I've found just leaving him alone does the most good. "Defending" myself when he snaps never goes over well, and just causes more problems. I try (and this is easier said than done, and I fail often) to just leave and let things (read: him) calm down.
Good luck. The hard times are so hard to see past, but I hope you both get back to a better place as soon as possible.
first - i'm so sorry that both of you are going through this.
as far as the lashing out, i think you're going to have to wait until he's feeling better in order to address most of this. maybe a really quick "that's uncalled for" when it happens, but he's not in any condition (probably) to have a drawn out conversation about what hurts your feelings. I know if my DH tried to have one of those conversations with me while I was having a migraine, I'd just throw something at him and hope he went away. with a migraine, you just literally don't want to be near anyone. sound hurts, light hurts, opening your eyes hurts, lifting your arm to drink a glass of water hurts, etc. for me, i literally want to die when I them, so I certainly don't want to talk AT ALL, especially about feelings or fairness, etc.
that being said, when he's better and can really talk again, you definitely should talk to him. remind him of some of the things he said and how they really hurt your feelings. you were trying to nurse him back to health, as best as you know how, so if he needs things to be done in a different way, hash that out so you'll know next time what he'd respond better to (maybe setting an alarm on a phone to drink water, just bringing him a glass of water every 30 minutes, etc).
hope you both feel better soon!
"There is a fine line between a princess and a witch...thinking you're one does NOT give you the right to act like the other." my grandmother
DH had horrible headaches after his brain injury and they put him in a horrible mood (rightfully so). He didn't take all of the doctor's advice (he refused to take the meds they prescribed) and it was really frustrating for me.
Honestly, the only thing that worked for us was to get an outsider involved. DH was seeing anything I did to help as nagging so I got my dad involved. My dad would check in with him and tell him he really should take the meds, follow doctors orders, etc..and it worked. It was hard for me because I felt like he didn't trust me or something.
Do you have a male family member or friend that would be willing to talk to him about things? It helped in our situation to get a male involved.
GL. I hope it's nothing serious.
ETA: I just wanted to add that those weeks of the headaches were the most trying times in our marriage. I felt so helpless and he was not himself at all. I can't imagine being in that kind of pain without any relief.
The Blog
I'm so sorry. I really hope the neurologist gets to the bottom of this soon. That's really scary for both of you.
How is your husband motivated? Mine's a big boy who wants to be left alone, [/sarcasm] so there we go. I am goal-motivated. If you bring me tea (gatorade, sprite, juice, etc) and tell me when I should finish it by, you have a much better chance than hovering.
Also, I wonder if his body is detesting water since it can be nauseating? Maybe other fluid options would be more tolerable.
Finally, take an ice pack in there and see if he wants to try putting it at the base of his skull. As uncomfortable and unfun sounding as it may be, I was surprised how much relief I got from my migraine after my chiro rec'd it.
No advice, but tons of good thoughts and prayers. I hope the neurologist will have some answers.
Also (this doesn't fall into the advice category), if the harsh words/tone are not typical for him, be sure to bring it up to the dr. Changes in personality are certainly an additional symptom and should not be ignored.
That sucks! Lots of dust to you guys!
Ugh, I'm sorry you're both still dealing with this--what a crappy situation.
I know I'm waaay less than pleasant to be around when I'm sick, especially since I hate to ask people for help. It's like I just want to wallow around in my own crabby misery, which obviously makes no sense, and anyone trying to help me/be nice to me immediately becomes my enemy. The best efforts are rejected because how dare someone try to help me! I am sick! I am being an ass because I feel like ass! I go full toddler mode.
Anyway, the best advice I could give someone on how to deal with me when I'm sick is to 1) bring me what I need but don't act nice about it or try to get me to take it/eat it/drink it. You know: "Here's your broth. I'll check back with you in a few hours." Not: "I made some broth for you! Eat it while it's warm!" The niceness of option 2 pushes some insanity button inside me when I'm sick. I'm weird. 2) Use humor to diffuse the situation (of me being a beyatch) and to get me to take meds/eat/drink/chill the f out. Like: Walk in with a water bottle. Drink it like it's the best most refreshing water you've ever had and joke about how much you love it in a lighthearted, ridiculously over the top way. You know, like pour it on your face a little or something. Then leave a glass of water behind without comment. At that point, I would hopefully recognize I'm being a pill about drinking water and drink my water.
Good luck, and I hope you both can get through this quickly!
Rarely Updated Blog
Oh no, I'm so sorry! I hope they figure it out and he gets better soon. ((hugs))
Sorry, I have no advice on the taking care of him. I'm a horrible patient too. Just know that it is the illness talking and keep trying is all I would do. I know it is hard but he will appreciate it in the long run.
I'm so sorry you are all going through this. Shingles are just awful. The doctors that DS sees also treat shingles, headaches and other neuro sensory and immune issues. They get the touch cases, when no much else works and people are just not functioning / deteriorating, etc. I can't recommend them enough, they helped recover my son. Their treatments brought him so much relief. I've had blog readers go to them with similar issues as your DH and they are seeing so much improvement. They came highly recommended from a lot of sources, some here on the bump. Shingles isn't listed on this page but I know for a fact they treat it as well. If you decide to see them, let me know, they can be hard to get in to but I'd be happy to swap out DS's upcoming appointment (since he's doing awesome) if it meant your DH could get in sooner.
https://www.drkendalstewart.com/what-we-treat/neuroimmune-syndromes/
I hope things improve soon!
52 Choices For Better Health
So true! When DH was diagnosed with diabetes a few years ago we realized one of his symptoms that we did not think was a symptom was severe mood swings and really short tempered. (he has always been a bit moody and short tempered at time, so it was harder to see though :P ) So definitely bring it up with the neurologist.
DITTO. Behavioral changes, nausea and head pain are all brain issues =( I hope y'all get some answers soon. **hugs** Men SUCK when they are sick.
ETA: I really think he may need to go to ER at this point. And you've heard me bitchandmoan about all the people who go to the ER and don't need to be there. The ER can be an excellent way to fast track all the tests that need to be done. Blood and radiology etc. Instant gratification I call it! If he has a fever, then it could be meningitis
, which is contagious. So a lumbar puncture aka "spinal tap" may be in order. In any event, I think a visit to the ER may be just what y'all need to get all of this taken care of NOW instead of piecemeal. At minimum, they'll take away the pain and nausea which would be a good thing. They also give him a bunch of fluids to get him going again. You've gone to his doctor twice now. You're not getting anywhere.
Thank you all so much. Just talking about it makes me feel better. I was venting to my mom during our first round of this, but she gets hysterical and goes into the darkest of darkest scenarios at the first mention of an illness. Not helpful.
I went upstairs to check just now (I'm keeping it to every couple of hours unless he calls me) and he'd finally had some water. So that's a good sign.
Also: perspective. We've been going through this for just under a month, which is nothing compared to a year or more. I can't even imagine what you all have gone through.
Bobcat -- Getting a family member involved is a great idea. His parents have been kind of hands-off in all of this. I don't think they want to intrude, but maybe if I asked them to help. I feel the same way, though. Like he doesn't trust me. It's difficult to not take it personally.
FCB -- I'll offer him an ice pack. I've never heard of that before, but I'm going to try it myself the next time I have a migraine.
GG -- While I love the humor idea, I just can't find it in me right now. Maybe after a full night's sleep I'll give it a go.
Purdue -- We are definitely going to talk about this when it's over and find some sort of solution. I wish we'd done that in the days that he was feeling better, but I was stupid and like, "oh, we won't have to deal with this again soon." Ugh. If only I'd known.
Thanks again, everyone. I appreciate all the well wishes and support.
52 Choices For Better Health
I'm so sorry you both are going through this. I can't imagine being in that much pain for so long. I hope you can get this figured out soon.
Unfortunately I think as a caretaker, you get the pleasure of feeling the brunt of his bad moods. It's so not fair, and like pp mentioned, I think it definitely needs to be addressed, but not while he's miserable. When my DH is sick, he completely ignores my good advice too. I don't have a lot of patience so I usually just end up bringing him stuff (food/water/meds), leaving it on his bedside table and shutting the door after I leave. My DH just wants to be left alone while he's sick, and I'm more than happy to oblige. Eventually he will drink the water or take the meds, but if I try to push it, it just makes us both mad. Maybe just let him know that if he needs you, you'll be there and leave it at that. Good luck.
L, you are so sweet. Thank you so much for the link. I still owe you an email about the shingles stuff.
Let me see how things go today and if DH is feeling well enough to talk about, get his perspective on trying these doctors. I've been wanting to get a second opinion in all this, but DH has been reluctant.
I'm so sorry he's not well and you guys are having a tough time. Ditto the others- I definitely think the behavior is a symptom and not a reaction to/at you.
Please keep us updated.
This, plus a "you're being an a--hole" thrown in. But I'm kind of a b!tch that way when DH unnecessarily lashes out at me. The 2nd party Bobcatsteph suggested might be a more humane option
Loads of *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*healthy DH dust*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* and I'll hold good thoughts for you both. Please let me know if I can do anything!
I don't have much advice - sorry. When DD needed to go to the ER for a serious/painful knee injury and refused to go, he acted in a similar manner (did not help that it was at the end of a night of drinking while out on vacation). I basically had to YELL at him and say "you're effing going to the ER and I'm not taking NO for an answer - if you don't get in the effing car now I'm going to call an ambulance".
I agree w/ PP that you can have a better conversation w/ him when he's feeling better - but for now just do the best you can. GL and sending lots of dust your way.
TTC #1 since February 2011
BFP #1 1/14/12 EDD 9/24/12 m/c at 8w4d on 2/20/12
March 2012- Dx with PCOS, started metformin
July 2012- SA completely normal