Go to the bank and pull out a crisp $20 bill. Rub it on your belly and thighs for exactly 15 minutes, then crumple it up and throw it away. Repeat EVERY day. The crisper the $20 bill, the better it works.
Seriously, this is my 8th child and I have the body of a 17 year old. I swear.

Re: My secret for no stretch marks!
Do you dip the $20 bill in crisco before or after you rub it on your thigh?
You forgot to add the part where you toss the bills into this big basket I'm holding.
Let's try this again...