Kids are mean and DS's imagination gets in his way.

Re: Kids are mean and DS's imagination gets in his way.

• trizzie member

  October 2011

  Kids can be so mean. I really have gotten to the point where I can't stand the majority of kids out there (sad to say).  That said, our boys are around the same age and DS loves pretend play. He is often a dinosaur, a train, a dragon, a pirate - you name it.  Sometimes he plays with the other kids and does what they are doing and sometimes he just wants to roar at them.

  

  m/c 01-07-10

  Report0 Reply
• Loading the player...
• UpNorthGal

  October 2011

  You are right, kids can mean. I bet your DS will have grown out of this by the time he reaches five (the age of these mean kids) but I wouldn't worry about it now. If the other kids' comments don't bother him, I say let him ride his groovy train and the heck with them

  Report0 Reply
• AgrippaRidesAgain member

  October 2011

  -auntie-:

  I hear this sort of story a lot on the international Asperger forum I moderate. This behavior is quite common among very bright kids on the higher functioning end of the spectrum. I'm not saying I think your kid is autistic, only that I know a lot of people who have dealt with this behavior.

  We lived it at my house, too, because DS didn't care enough about other kids to be willing to engage in the collaborative nature of real play. It was his way or nothing. When he was younger, in preschool, some of what he did was so compellingly off the wall that kids would be intrigued and join him. But as they approached kindie age, they became more hardwired for conformity and reacted badly to his dysfunctional kinds of play. Kids whose behavior is really out there often elict strong and unkind comments. Unfortunately, adults don't get to decide what's acceptable in the kid world- well developing kids have radar about those who are different. It's creepy.

  I get wanting to nurture your son's creative side, but watch it closely. He should trend toward engagement with peers even if it means moving away from his first choice of play. Watch, too, for play that is "imaginative" but actually following the same script over and over. Pay special attention to imaginary play that features being things rather than people. If he's always the train, never the engineer, it could be a red flag especially in light of his lack of desire to connect with peers.

  Thanks for your reply auntie.  This is actually something I've been wondering about for a while.  I was lurking on Special Needs a few weeks ago and saw a few of your posts which made me question DS's personality (actions?) enough to look some stuff up and mention it to DH.   I strongly suspect that he may lie on that end of the spectrum, but DH isn't ready to talk to the pediatrician about it.  Because we've been able to help DS work through some of his sensitivities--he has a lot of problems with smells, sounds, and tactile things--he thinks we might be able to help him socially too.  He wants to see how this year of preschool goes and then talk to the pedi at DS's 4 year appointment in early May.  I kind of feel like that might be waiting too long, b/c he'll be with the same kids again next year--if they've got a certain impression of him by then, won't it be harder for him to make friends?

  DS has lately been attempting to interact with select kids.  He's just really bad at it, and he doesn't get that others might not actually want to do the same things that he does.  At least, not for 20 minutes straight. He much prefers to just play with adults, probably b/c they humor him and find him amusing. 

  As far as what he does, he seems to vascillate between being the engineer and being the train.  He often calls himself an engineer but acts just like a train.  Or he calls himself an ATV driver but at the same time says he's a purple ATV.   He tends to get stuck on topics for 4-6 months at a time.  This time last year, he liked to pretend that he was Frank the Combine from Cars.  That stuck around until a little after his birthday in April.  The play does tend to be the same every time.

  
  

  Report0 Reply
• n&bcarlson

  October 2011

  Kids can be mean, but I think your DS sounds like a normal 3.5 year old, and sadly, the kids you mention sound like typical 5 year olds.  If he pretended to be a train with my DD, who is the same age as him, she'd be cool with it and either join in or kind of play around him.  But she wouldn't think he was weird.  But at 5, kids start to want to differentiate themselves as "big" kids and often do it by shunning "little" kids (meaning anyone remotely younger than them).  I think your best bet, rather than changing his behavior, is to change his friends.  Try to find a group for him to play with that is all 3-4 year olds.  Also, if he has trouble engaging other kids to play, he may be overwhelmed by numbers, so see if you can make some play dates with just one or two other kids the right age.  This has worked very well for DD, who is also not great at engaging kids in big groups.  We still do a larger play group, but we try to do one on one play dates with those same kids, too, so she can get to know them as individuals and not just as a scary group.
  

  

  Report0 Reply
• kmhunt11 member

  October 2011

  n&bcarlson:

  Kids can be mean, but I think your DS sounds like a normal 3.5 year old, and sadly, the kids you mention sound like typical 5 year olds.  If he pretended to be a train with my DD, who is the same age as him, she'd be cool with it and either join in or kind of play around him.  But she wouldn't think he was weird.  But at 5, kids start to want to differentiate themselves as "big" kids and often do it by shunning "little" kids (meaning anyone remotely younger than them).  I think your best bet, rather than changing his behavior, is to change his friends.  Try to find a group for him to play with that is all 3-4 year olds.  Also, if he has trouble engaging other kids to play, he may be overwhelmed by numbers, so see if you can make some play dates with just one or two other kids the right age.  This has worked very well for DD, who is also not great at engaging kids in big groups.  We still do a larger play group, but we try to do one on one play dates with those same kids, too, so she can get to know them as individuals and not just as a scary group.
  

   

   I agree.  We have a range of kids in our tight-knit neighborhood and the 5 year olds were very rude and snooty about letting my 3yo play this summer.  The 7 year olds weren't a problem and the 6 year olds were starting to realize being a turd isn't necessary.  Hang in there and cherish his uniqueness!  You probably do, but you can specifically talk him through failed interactions after the fact.  Kinds being mean because he "tooted" or something can be addressed with "Those kids were not acting nice.  When kids say mean things, or act like that you can always find a different kid to play with."  If they shunned him because of his imaginary play, you can talk him through how to engage kids in ways that won't put them off.  Each situation is unique and will be addressed differently, but some kids (and big people) need explicit instruction on how to handle social situations.  The more you teach, the more he'll learn.  Your heart must break when kids act like that.  I know mine would! 

  

  Report0 Reply
• KathrynMD member

  October 2011

  OP - is your kid in any preschool setting?  I would be curious what the teachers say about his behavior.

  Ditto PP, I'd get this checked out now if you have suspicions.  My BFF's son has mild Asperger's that was evident from 2.5 onward (especially the imaginary friends and singular fixation on topics for long periods, strong preference for adult interaction).  I, and others, tried tried to gently express our concerns, but BFF and her DH chalked it up to him being an only child and at home w/ mom all day.  When he started preschool, the teachers suggested he might have some Asperger's/Autism tendencies and again they blew it off and thought he was just immature.  Finally in KG, the school insisted he be evalutated and he was DX w/ Aspergers and ADD.  He was enrolled in a therapeutic playgroup and had an IEP w/ school from K-4th grade.  He's in 6th grade now, w/o and IEP, but he struggles w/ interpersonal relationships and his parents spend alot of time coaching him on social interactions and peer relationships.  He does have friends now, but some of the issues he had in earlier grades could have been mitigated if he'd been evaluated earlier and had a chance to form some stronger peer relationships when he was 3 and 4.

  

  Report0 Reply
• jsugrin member

  October 2011

  I just want to piggy back a bit on your conversations with Auntie.  While I totally get the wait until he's 4 to talk to his pedi and then go from there it is important to realize that getting into experts and started in therapy is a very different process than our own going to the doc.  I initiated EI for DS #1 when he was 22 months and it took us 4 months until he actually had his first therapy session.

  In your shoes I would find a good list of how Autism is diagnosed and take a good look at where you think your son has parallels and then find the Developmental Pedi's in your area that you would be interested in evaluating him if needed and find out what kind of wait you are looking at.  You may feel differently, your husband as well, if you find out that he wouldn't get in to see a Dev Pedi for 6-9 months + after you made the appointment.  If that is the case then he could easily be 5 before you're able to get him started in therapy.

  Again, I'm not saying you'll even need all of those things but it wouldn't hurt to have all the info to make the decisions.
  

  Report0 Reply