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3rd Trimester
missjenna84
member
In-law vent!!! How would you respond to this?! (NBR)
missjenna84
member
Okay, so, here's the situation. My fiance and I are due December 18th, 2011. We did not have a wedding date set yet when we found out we were expecting, but decided on August 2012 so we didn't take on too much at once.
ANYWAYS! We have been trying to find a venue within our budget that we both really liked here in Nashville and we did! I actually found something way below our budget... yesterday we did a walk through and everything was great. I truly felt really good about it and thought everyone else would too. Well, I guess my fiance made mention of the venue this afternoon to his mother and brother. I don't know what exactly was said, but when I walked into the conversation my fiance piped up and said "Mom and John (his bro) think we should just get eloped!" and I looked at both of them... his Mom wouldn't make eye contact with me - she just made herself occupied with her phone and his brothers eyes were at his feet. I'm like, "ughh...why?!" and my fiance, Jared, kind of did this half smile and said, "to save money!"
WTF! It's not the first time it had been said by one of his family members... and I'm especially shocked that his Mother would say it. Now, maybe I'm a bit hormonal, but I was resentful of the idea/suggestion the first time it was said BEFORE we were expecting... and at that time, I made my feelings about it known. His Mother had a big wedding with their Father and his brother has also been married before too. It didn't end well, but that has nothing to do with Jared and I. Yeah, I know, a wedding costs money. But do we not deserve to have an actual ceremony and celebrate it all the same?! I told Jared in the car after that how I felt... told him I felt offended by the suggestion because he was the love of my life and I didn't just want to sign some papers - that I wanted to have a wedding and marry him. That I wasn't asking for the moon and stars...
Seriously though, after asking "why" I just stood there in bewilderment, feeling hurt. How would you guys respond to this?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: In-law vent!!! How would you respond to this?! (NBR)
Agree! People spend a ridiculous amount on weddings, if you have the funds to do it yourself, great. If not, the important thing is your marriage, not your wedding. My parents were married at a local church, and brought cold cuts to share with their guests in a friends backyard afterward. They still remember it fondly, even though it was super low budget because that's all they could afford 32 years ago.
This. DH and I got married by his grandpa with only my mom, his mom and his sister there. We were only 19 so the options were limited. We've been married almost 8 years.
Because the day you commit yourself in marriage should not be "just another day". Because your friends and family would like to share in a celebration of this milestone event in your life and you want to be able too look back and remember all of those people who love and support you individually and as a couple. People who b1itch about weddings have lost sight of the true meaning of them. It's one of the few times in your life when both families come together as a whole to show their support and acknowledgment for the beginning of this new family. You and your fI don't deserve any less than that. They have had their chance been there and done that, it's your trun now.
Apologies for the typo's I was on my phone.
And dance, drink, and eat like pigs!
I did at mine anyways.
Honestly, I think you're giving them WAY too much power. Don't let them get you upset. They are voicing their opinion. As misguided as it may be, they actually can do that if they want.
I actually think the LESS you react, and the simpler you keep your responses (like the above), the more it will shut them up.
Make sure your FI is on the same page as you. That's all that matters.
Other things you can say are "Thanks for your opinion!" and change the topic. Or since they've mentioned it before, a "Yup. Youv'e mentioned this before. We know how you feel about it." and change the topic.
Don't feed into it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
First, I would make sure FI didn't say anything to his family to make them thing he has a problem with spending the money.
Second, they might have been just letting you know that they wouldn't feel hurt or left out if you did want to elope.
DH (and he is the love of my life) and I seriously considered eloping, had nothing to do with money. We both just see marriage as a very private thing. We decided to have a very small destination wedding on the beach. I loved my wedding. Just make sure you do want you want and what you are comfortable in doing. But eloping doesn't make your love for each other any less.
I would have just said it was important to me and moved on.
I think you are making a big deal out of this. You guys are about to have a baby, and yo, priorities change when a kid comes into the picture. Maybe you will still be excited and into planning a wedding while you are toting around your little one, but perhaps you will change your tune. Sounds like your future ILs were just thinking practically. It doesn't mean they are judging you unfairly or commenting on your relationship. Heck, to them, with you expecting a baby, it probably feels like you are already married. Chill.
DMoney will be a kickass big sister
Honestly, who cares what they say? You're making a bigger deal out of this than it is. Your response should be, "I disagree. We want a wedding, reception, etc."
Were you expecting money from them? Is that why you're upset?
This!
We got married three years ago at City Hall. We went for a nice dinner afterwards, with 12 family members (all his, my family couldn't make it over from Germany with a week's notice) and after, we met up with friends in a pub. We spent the night in a nice hotel and then he had to go back to the States to work.
Our wedding was put together within a week, it didn't cost more than 3000 dollars. We wanted to hurry up, since we needed to get married for my immigration papers and we felt it's about our lifes together, not the day we sign some papers.
Today, we own a house together, we both live here in Canada, he has his own business and I have a good job (well, I am on mat leave now, but you know).
There is a lot of grey between the black of eloping and the white of hugh, expensive wedding.
First I just want to say that for anyone who has gotten eloped and were happy with that - more power to you! I wasn't AT ALL suggesting that for some getting eloped means you the love the person less. It's just not for me.
Thank you for all your advice, opinions and suggestions!
While I can't say I agree that I'm making a "big deal" out of something that's really not - I guess that's all just a matter of opinion and doesn't really matter. The ones who thought so, did give me another perspective on what the in-laws may be thinking, and that's just what I can here for! I didn't throw a fit and make a big deal right then and there (although, it could have happened with the hormones flying, lol) - I just came here to express how I was feeling and talk to others who may "get it" to sort of vent and get advice...
I didn't mention originally that my fiance's Dad passed away a few months ago and left everyone enough to take care of them for quite some time. I wasn't sure if it was appropriate, but I asked my fiance and he doesn't mind that I share that, as long as I'm not leaving a figure. Anyways, we did talk and decide on a budget that we were both comfortable with... unless my fiance was partly just trying to make me happy? Which I hope is NOT the case (and I do fully intend on having that conversation with him over dinner tonight), but I'm really quite sure isn't. He's just the type who would "prefer" to never have to spend any money, lol... I just wanted to put that out there because a lot of people were commenting and inquiring about the money/budget aspect of the wedding.
Having read this, could there reason be because of your FI's dad not being present and it being so hard with having a new baby he won't meet and a wedding he won't be at?? Just a thought. My initial thought was that they were doing it because of out of wedlock baby, but then you mentioned that they said this before even knowing you were expecting, so perhaps its just too emotional a time for all of them. Show some pity, do what you and your FI want and move on.
First of all, you don't "get eloped". You elope.
Second, maybe his parents are practical and think that the money you spend on a big wedding could be money you put towards your LO's education (or the other millions of expenses that occur when you have kids).
DH and I spent 20,000 on our wedding. It was amazing, magical, and exactly the way I wanted it. However, if I had had DD before I got married, I would have spent that 20,000 differently--it would be currently sitting in a college fund for her and our future kids. I'm not saying that you don't "deserve" a wedding because you're having your baby before you get married, I'm just saying that you have some real responsibilites and expenses ahead of you, and maybe they feel like now that you're going to be parents, the money could be spent more wisely other places.
I agree with the majority of this post. It shouldn't be just another day - you want your wedding to be special, you've obviously given your wedding day some thought, and you deserve to have a special day to remember the way you want to remember it.
That being said I sure wish I had eloped...lol!