I'm a little upset about my mom's manipulation- really long

e_delo · October 2011

Ok, quick background. My mother's maiden name is Jackson, I love the name Jackson (I know its trendy) I wanted to name this LO Jackson but it came to my attention at the start of this pregnancy that my older cousin, who recently got married "called" the name jackson 8 years ago. I asked her if she'd consider letting go of the name since she'll only be having one child (health issues) and doesn't know it will be a boy, if they have any kids. She just acted like i never asked and completely ignored it. Then while I was 7 months pregnant I was weeding and painting and working my @ss off for HER wedding, then (here's the kicker) her family called me selfish because I'd talk about the baby every now and then...seriously, it wasn't a lot, and they were also treating me like a servant...really mean and rude. I later mentioned Jackson again, and again it came up that Sarah wasn't going to let me "have" that name. I talked to DH and decided between the trendyness of the name and the fact that if I took it I would start WW3 within our family, we'd pick a different name that we loved (we settled on a name we liked...haven't found anything we loved as much as Jackson)

So my mom has been asking over and over if we've picked a name. I have been telling her no because I know she'd run and tell her sister (my cousin's mom) the name and then they'd know "they won." I know it sounds stupid but there is a lot of family drama with this extended family. And honestly, I didn't want my aunt to know, I kind of wanted her to freak out that we might "steal" her daughter's name (since i'm so selfish and all). Well, yesterday my mom called wanting to skype, that was fine. Then my aunt shows up at her house so now she's skyping. And they instist they needed to see DD (who was down the street playing with her friends) so I called her home. Right away, my mom asks, infront of my aunt, "So Regan (DD) what are we naming this baby" and Regan, completely innocent of the situation says "Lucas". I'm so mad. I have been trying really hard to let it go, I mean, he'll be here in 2 weeks or less, they'd know soon enough. But I feel like she completely disrespected me, she knew how I felt about my aunt knowing and she purposely asked DD in front of my aunt. I've told her how I feel about this side of the family, I am done with them. Since it is her sister she thinks that I should take the crap they dish out because she's put up with it her entire life, now I have to too! The bad part is that she's coming out here in a few days for my csection so I either have to tell her why I'm mad at her and have a bad visit or just keep it in and have a bad visit. I also want to say, that I am completely aware that this is my issue. My aunt is completely clueless, because as selfish as they are, they don't know it. My mom doesn't think anything of it because "thats just how they are". With that said, what should I do? Be nice, I'm already struggling with this.

WyWysMommy · October 2011

That was really rude of your mom and aunt! I would be livid.

However, it is just a name, and if I loved the name Jackson, I would use it. Who cares if 2nd cousins have the same name? Do you know how many Travis' I have in my family? Its the family name. Between first and middle names there are at least a dozen. And if they are far enough away that you have to skype to see each other than how often will they actually meet? Its not like its your sister. In fact, I would probably use Jackson out of spite just a bit too. But I am mean like that ha!

jessicacss · October 2011

TBH, you are having your precious baby first, you should name it whatever you want. Jackson is a very nice name, I think you should name your baby that, and if your cousin wants to, they can as well. These kids will be what, like second cousins? My family has multiple duplicate names, my mom is Angela-Clare, her niece is Clare, and I'm Jessica-Clare. My hubby is Roger, his 1st cousin is Roger, his grandpa and great uncle are Roger and Rogers. TRUST me, they will get over it. You should not be upset and let these people ruin such a special time in your life. My hubby sometimes gets upset because of his side of the family's lack of involvement, and I have to remind him, the day we got married, we started a new family, everyone else is extended family now. I hope you make the right decision, which is to make yourself and hubby happy first, then start worrying about everyone else.

jiffy-pop · October 2011

You just need to put this behind you. Keeping this pent-up hostility inside only hurts you...not them. FWIW, I love the name Lucas and I think it is way better than Jackson, but I can see how the family significance would make you lean more towards Jackson.

Ariana2O11 · October 2011

I think because you got pregnant first, you get to name your child whatever you want. I'd name him Jackson, if that's the name I was set on and loved. Your cousin can't hold rights over a name when she's not even pregnant yet.

Shannon526 · October 2011

WyWysMommy:

That was really rude of your mom and aunt! I would be livid.

However, it is just a name, and if I loved the name Jackson, I would use it. Who cares if 2nd cousins have the same name? Do you know how many Travis' I have in my family? Its the family name. Between first and middle names there are at least a dozen. And if they are far enough away that you have to skype to see each other than how often will they actually meet? Its not like its your sister. In fact, I would probably use Jackson out of spite just a bit too. But I am mean like that ha!

Haha! I was thinking the same thing while reading the post :-p .. and I agree with you about having many "travis' " in the family.. who cares?? We have a ton of Michaels' and Matthews' and nobody really even notices anymore.. I say name your child what you and your DH want.. regardless of what anyone else had "dibs" on lol

Brie2006 · October 2011

Why play games? I wouldn't stress over this as annoying as it may be.

If you truly love the name Jackson and will feel resenment over not naming your son Jackson, then I say just use it. Your aunt and cousin will have no choice but to get over it.

HappyAardvark · October 2011

Calling "dibs" on something should not go beyond 8th grade... Go with the name you love. They'll get over it. And if they don't, then they sound toxic anyway and you don't need to have that negativity in your life

kat72883 · October 2011

I think that whole situation is ridiculous. It drives me crazy that everyone else thinks they have a say in what someone else names their child. Jackson means something to you, you are pregnant now, and if you want to name your child that you should. You can't "claim" a name anyway, but if there are two Jacksons in your extrended family, who cares? I'm obviously partial to Lucas myself, but if you only like Lucas and love Jackson, you should use Jackson. And as far as this visit? I would definitely tell my mom if it were me.

pearblossom · October 2011

I agree with PPs that you are completely entitled to use Jackson if you want to. There's no guarantee that if she has a baby, and if it is a boy, she will 100% for sure name him Jackson. Personally, I would name that baby Lucas Jackson and call him Jack forever more. But I also have a spiteful streak.

As far as your mother, I would say something. Try to do it in a way that will cause the least drama, but if you don't I think you'll regret it. And you'll set a precedent for her being able to hurt your feelings because of "the way they are".

vtcriddel · October 2011

First come, first serve - calling dibs is for the front seat of the car when you're in grade school! My mom called to slyly inquire on our baby boy's name a few months ago because my cousin was concerned we'd name him Griffin, which is our grandpa's middle name. Apparently my cousin & aunt wanted it to be known that she would be using that name if she finds a guy, gets married & has a baby that would hopefully be a boy, etc. We aren't using that name, but we won't tell anyone the actual name either & that kind of juvenile behavior makes me all the happier that we're not sharing.

The important thing is to name your baby what you want to name him regardless of family drama. If you love Lucas, go with it. If you love Jackson, go with it. But for the love of all, don't let someone else bully you out of a name that you love & end up regretting your decision later!

gracie076 · October 2011

I agree with everyone else! Name you're little one whatever you and your DH want. I say go for it!

RoxRing · October 2011

I'm with everyone else and think you should call the baby what you want. However, I do have a friend who's husband's side of the family refuses to accept her daughter's name because it was already "called" in their family...which is freaking ridiculous and if that's the case there's other issues with those people.

Do you think your mom asked in front of your aunt because she expected you to say Jackson and wanted to throw it in her sister's face?

cfemiani · October 2011

I agree with PP. If you like the name Jackson, then I see no reason in naming your son that. Plus, it was totally awful of your mother to ask your child what name you guys picked out! You definitely need to tell her how you feel about that. I would not keep it myself if I were you.

christiney06 · October 2011

I am a total b*tch and would be switching back to Jackson in a heartbeat after that stunt! I agree w/ everyone else. you can't "call" a name. I guarantee that your cousin will have a girl somedayl and then the name will go unused, that's just the way karma works.

Elsa1984 · October 2011

I would still use the name Jackson. How often do you see this cousin?! Enough that Jackson and Jackson would be spending tons of time together (IF in fact....she even ends up with a "Jackson")?! Or once in a blue moon to where it wouldn't really matter?!

I am not one to even bat an eye with someone calls "dibs" on a name. If I called dibs on names.....my kids would be Malachi, Jordyn, Brynn & Brycen. Too bad I am only planning on having two kids and I no longer even like those names. HAHA!

One of the names we had (and was seriously considering), was the name Sam. Until I mentioned it to my sister and she said that the name they had picked out was Samuel.....she is not pregnant. BUT, I took it off of our list because of the fact that she has been spending thousands of dollars to get pregnant and two years of trying....and if she eventually has a boy.....I wouldn't want to take the name that they love (even though there is a chance they could never have kids, they could have a girl, or they could change their mind and pick a completely different name).

abba916 · October 2011

I would be very upset with your mother- and I would tell her about it ASAP- I mean whose side is she on? She's your mother and she should be supportive of you not wanting to share- especially in light of all the drama

about the name thing- we had the same issue- my cousin claimed the name Sebastian (it was our grandfather's name)- now she got pregnant first and had a boy and named him sebastian however, when we were going through names Sebastian was on our short list- I got several calls, emails, etc about using "her" name...I see her maybe twice a year and we have different last names and with its growth in popularity- I think there will be more than one Sebastian in her son's class anyway...we didnt end up with it- but I can relate with the chidlish "claiming"...and if you love Jackson- go for it.

UFCasey · October 2011

You're pregnant, she's not, you can name your kid Jackson if you want. What are they going to do about it - try to get his birth certificate changed behind your back LOL?

However, as low as it was to use your daughter to get out the name of your son, you shouldn't have lied to your mother either. You kept telling her you didn't "know" the name of the baby when you did. You should have just straight up said you weren't going to tell her the name until he was born, sorry. And then if she had pulled this crap with your daughter you would have had every right to be royally pissed. However, since you said you just simply didn't "know" the name yet, her asking your daughter wasn't 100% out of line you know? Because if you were telling the truth, she would have not known the name to tell them in the first place. Just my thoughts.

Janimal · October 2011

I think you allowed yourself to get sucked into 8th grade drama when you engaged in a discussion about the "saved" name to start off with. So - first thing - you need to disengage yourself from the drama. I mean, with ALL your interactions with those relatives. Anything they say or do that is mean, selfish, etc, just take as a joke. Laugh at it all. They don't matter. Their drama doesn't matter. They can't hold WW3 if you don't engage. It's not like they have guns to fire, all they have is words and you can take away all their power by not paying attention to their crappy remarks.

I wouldn't get all twisty about your mom asking the name. It's not an unusual question, and you are just assuming she did that to ensure Jackson wasn't being used for her sister's sake - that may not have been her motive anyway. And so what if it was? You said yourself this would be war and I would bet your mom doesn't want to be caught in the middle of a fight either. You might be making a bigger deal out of that than it is.

My advice? Name your kid whatever you want. If ANYONE in your family gives you crap about it, including your mom, tell them you aren't interested in discussing it. Then stick to that. Make a decision on the name. If you are going with Lucas (which I love by the way) then let go of Jackson and don't speak of it again, and move on to enjoy your mom's visit. If you are going to use Jackson, I think you should tell your mom before she arrives. Tell her you don't care what anyone else thinks, that savinig the name is silly at this point, and you would be thrilled for your cousin if she gets to use it to. And if she says anything, make it clear to your mom that if she gives you any crap about it, she can just not visit until she is ready to let it go.

ladybirda · October 2011

If you let yourself get pushed over by your extended family, then you have only yourself to blame for any resentment you feel. Name him what you want, whether that's Lucas Jackson, Jackson Lucas, or something else entirely. Non-pregnant folks can't call names. For example, both DH and his sister want to name a daughter after their grandmother. We're having a boy now, and it's understood that whoever has a girl first gets to use the grandmother's name. Period.

christen_z1 · October 2011

Janimal:

I think you allowed yourself to get sucked into 8th grade drama when you engaged in a discussion about the "saved" name to start off with. So - first thing - you need to disengage yourself from the drama. I mean, with ALL your interactions with those relatives. Anything they say or do that is mean, selfish, etc, just take as a joke. Laugh at it all. They don't matter. Their drama doesn't matter. They can't hold WW3 if you don't engage. It's not like they have guns to fire, all they have is words and you can take away all their power by not paying attention to their crappy remarks.

I wouldn't get all twisty about your mom asking the name. It's not an unusual question, and you are just assuming she did that to ensure Jackson wasn't being used for her sister's sake - that may not have been her motive anyway. And so what if it was? You said yourself this would be war and I would bet your mom doesn't want to be caught in the middle of a fight either. You might be making a bigger deal out of that than it is.

My advice? Name your kid whatever you want. If ANYONE in your family gives you crap about it, including your mom, tell them you aren't interested in discussing it. Then stick to that. Make a decision on the name. If you are going with Lucas (which I love by the way) then let go of Jackson and don't speak of it again, and move on to enjoy your mom's visit. If you are going to use Jackson, I think you should tell your mom before she arrives. Tell her you don't care what anyone else thinks, that savinig the name is silly at this point, and you would be thrilled for your cousin if she gets to use it to. And if she says anything, make it clear to your mom that if she gives you any crap about it, she can just not visit until she is ready to let it go.

Well said.

LCass · October 2011

It seems that what you're really asking about is dealing with your mom, not the name issue, right? So leaving that alone, I think you need to tell your mom. Manipulating a child is NOT acceptable. I remember somebody else on here had a similar situation, and the best advice I think she was given was to tell mom that if she's going to manipulate her grandchild then she's not going to get to speak to him/her unsupervised, etc. What she did was a betrayal of trust for both you and your daughter and completely disrespectful of your wishes. I can understand trying to appease family, but YOU are her DAUGHTER; shouldn't your wishes come above those of her sister being bitchy?

Want a personalized experience?

I'm a little upset about my mom's manipulation- really long

Re: I'm a little upset about my mom's manipulation- really long

Choose Another Board

Search Boards