pregnancy w/ diagnosed IF after adoption
We're just about to receive approval from our adoption agency and I'm super excited. However, I can't say how tired I'm getting of everyone saying "I bet as soon as you adopt, you'll get pregnant!" and then they go off about someone they know who had that experience. Even my MIL has made the comment, only it was more like "I hope once you adopt you'll get pregnant." It makes me feel like everyone sees the adoption as a huge runner-up to us having a baby biologically, and expects me to feel the same way. But I don't, and it just makes me kind of angry.
I had laparoscopy for moderate endo 2 weeks ago, and I *may* possibly be able to conceive, but that doesn't change my hubby's very low count or morphology issues. So our chances are still pretty slim. If it does happen someday, fabulous, but I'd much rather focus on the baby we'll have through adoption, which just FEELS right, than a pregnancy that's still unlikely. Did any of you get this question a lot? How did you respond? And I'm curious how many people ACTUALLY had that experience, of pregnancy without fertility treatments after adopting?
Re: pregnancy w/ diagnosed IF after adoption
I hear it all the time and usually, I just smile. Sometimes I say "oh that would be a medical miracle!" For us, it won't happen because I have fertility issues and DH had a vasectomy during his first marriage.
It does happen though, but I wouldn't say it's the majority or anything!
Good luck to you in building your family!
Married my amazing husband May 22, 2010
Became Step-Mom to 2 boys.
Husband had vasectomy in 2004 during first marriage.
Adoption Is Our Path!
Application sent March 29, 2011 First Meeting with CW: April 25, 2011 Final Visit and home visit: August 16, 2011
September, 2011 - told we are ready to be considered by birth parents. Officially WAITING!
Spring of 2012, we start to work with a Consultant and apply with a few agencies around the US
June 2012 - we are MATCHED
July 25, 2012 - Our SON was born in Arizona
August 8th, 2012 - we flew home with our baby
Awaiting Finalization
My Blog
See, I knew you girls would get it! It's like, I've grieved the possibility of conceiving, so if it DOES happen, it'll be a whole new set of scary issues. I really think a lot of people just don't understand how freeing it is to finally give up on failed TTC and move in a direction that has a much better chance of being a positive one.
Couldn't have said it better myself.
I couldn't have said it any better than what you just wrote above! I, too, have grieved the idea of actually conceiving. We went through so much with infertility. We've moved on. That's not to say I don't ever think about it; I do. But we're so happy we chose adoption and I cannot imagine our daughter not being our daughter had we not gone with adoption.
I used to get told the whole 'you'll get pg thing' quite a bit. Not anymore. I think it's just something people say - I'm not sure why. It used to really upset me, too. I just tried to explain that the likelihood of that happening is very slim - only about 5%-8% of couples conceive after adopting. Most people have no idea the odds are that slim.
I got that question from my MIL, my mother, and my og/gyn.
I responded to my MIL and my mom that only 5-8% of adoptive moms conceive after adoption, and I'm willing to bet a lot of them were actively TTC. I also told my ob/gyn I would punch the next person who said that. And I wrote a long post about it on my blog. I also have considered mentioning to the nitwits out there that I had 3 m/c's, TYVM, so getting pregnant is no guarantee of an actual child in my arms. Unlike DD
I have not gotten pregnant after adopting, and MrsB had the stats you can quote if you want.
We've also heard this a lot.
We are fostering to adopt and I was sharing some updates with friends this weekend. Two of them (at separate times) actually made a similiar comment. I always have a different response depending on the person and my mood. "perhaps, only God knows", "I seriously doubt it given the amount of time we've been trying without success", etc.
We've learned through "a lot of this" that some people have NO FILTER and will say just about anything. I think that they are also grabbling at what to say and just say something thinking it will make us feel better.
In Canada, you can't accept a placement if you are currently pregnant or have given birth within the previous 12 months, so people who said 'wouldn't it be great now if you got pregnant while you were waiting?' were answered with, 'I hope not, because then we wouldn't be able to adopt.' and those who made the 2 under 2 type of comments I mostly just tried to ignore. If they were close enough family or friends to know all of the details of our journey, then they either didn't say things like that or said them with the best of intentions (even if misguided) and those who weren't close enough to know details, didn't deserve an explanation or response. I think sometimes silence in response makes ignorant speakers more uncomfortable and hopefully makes them think.
I agree with PP, I think when it comes to IF, people really have no clue what to say and yet think they should say something. A dear pg friend was talking to me near the beginning of our testing and treatments phase and simply said 'i have no idea how you feel'. It was the most wonderful thing anyone could have said at that moment but too often people try to fill the silence with something that they don't know anything about rather then just supporting in the moment. It was frustrating, but it does pass and for me, it taught me once again to guard my tongue when I don't have a hot clue about what someone else is going through.
And btw, CONGRATULATIONS on this step towards building your family
I had a similar situation like the one Ranitasback mentioned. One of my coworkers said something about how we would get pg now since we were waiting to adopt. I flat out told her I hope not because then our whole adoption process would be put on hold. Unfortunately, even that didn't really stop her. She just kept going and going...some people don't get it.
Like Ranitasback said, congratulations on moving forward
I'm just lurking, but after reading some of all of your comments, I am crying from how beautiful you women are! I was adopted and when I was growing up, my friends would ask me if I knew my "real" parents. Biological children and adopted children are no different than each other (except DNA, which doesn't matter anyways).
Sorry, just thought I'd share.
Thank you Christy! The very few people I've talked to who don't say something about getting pregnant right away, have said "Your son or daughter will always know just how much he/she was wanted and loved." I hope that was exactly your experience growing up!