spoiling babies (XP from 0-3)

aichandaich · October 2011

Hi - Me and LO are almost here from the 0-3 months... wondered BTDT perspective on spoiling babies post...

"Wow she is spoiled..." is what I hear about my LO all the time. She's an always-has-to-be -moving, -bouncing, -held, etc. baby otherwise she throws a complete fit. She's awake and screaming until the very last second of taking a nap.

From what I've heard - my LO is too young to spoil - but everyone's comments about spoiling make me feel like a bad momma. What do I say in response? How do I combat that thinking? Just ignore it?

Is she getting to the age where she can self soothe? Is it 4 months or more?

A few times she's cried herself into a complete meltdown when I was driving or taking a shower - only once out of those times has she cried herself to sleep. I felt horrible about not getting to her before that.

feeling bad and feeling like having a LO-style meltdown... does a difficult infant lead to a easy-going toddler? {wishful thinking}

vanfox · October 2011

Nah, you can't spoil her. When I hear that from relatives, I pretty much just laugh and say how old-school that thinking is. Kids get spoiled from giving them too many things, not from giving them the attention they need. Self soothing doesn't even start until around 4 months, though some babies don't develop it until later. My LO is nearly 6 months and just starting to suck on his fingers or hold blankets whEn he needs comfort. Before it was just crying until mom or dad soothed him.

virginiagirl11 · October 2011

Not at that age. Snuggle and comfort her as much as she needs it. My LO is 5 months old and able to soothe himself somewhat, but we still cuddle him when he seems to need cuddling.

Babies who feel loved and secure tend to grow into independent children. I would not worry a bit about spoiling your LO at this point and I don't see what's so "bad" about always holding, bouncing, giving attention to a 2.5 month old? I could see if she was 2 years old and constantly needing to be held, but definitely would not be concerned about a 2.5 month old.

Btw, I have a baby who is always moving and who needed a lot of holding/walking/moving when he was younger. He also was easily upset when left alone. He still needs more attention and movement than other babies but he has really blossomed into a happy, smiley baby who loves to laugh and explore. It is much easier to manage a baby like that when they are happy! Plus, he tends to hit his milestones early through all of his exploration and is very aware of his surroundings, so we are starting to appreciate how curious he is. I hope the same will be the case for you!

MommaG123 · October 2011

No you aren't spoiling her. My LO is very similar in that she always has to be bouncing or she isn't happy and MH used to always say we were spoiling her. He has finally figured out that we aren't though and that you can't spoil her with love and attention.

The_Quiet_One · October 2011

You're doing just fine. She's far too little to worry about spoiling right now. The Munchkin loves being active and bounced and generally paid attention to, so I get where you're coming from. But they're growing and they need to know that we're there for them.

laurakaz13 · October 2011

You aren't spoiling her. My LO has just begun to self soothe this week. She's a much happier baby as she's able to move more, entertain herself more and do more things.

She was pretty difficult until 3 months. It started to gradually get better after that, but I was a slave to the 5 S's for a while. And I never let her cry, just fuss a bit. At this age if they're hysterical they likely need something. Babies are unreasonable. :-)

MandG2010 · October 2011

My MIL told me I was spoiling my son when he was 2 weeks old because he cried when he wanted to be picked up. Seriously?!? I told her that if giving a newborn his basic life necessities was spoiling him then I will spoil him the rest of his life. He's now 3 months old and is gaining control of his little hands, so he can entertain himself for up to 30 minutes at a time. When he can sit up and crawl by himself I know that'll be even better for entertaining himself. You're doing exactly what I would do...keep up the good work!

kathrnn · October 2011

As PPs have said, I really believe that you cannot spoil a newborn.

If you think about it this way- while she was in your womb, your DD was help/cuddled/bounced/etc. every second of the day. Now that's she born, even holding her for only 12 hours is a huge change in what she is used to. So cuddle her as much as you want! I say your instincts are spot on, and wouldn't listen to what others say.

FWIW I feel like I held my daughter for the first month and a half. She's very independent now and will even fuss if we hold her too long. I'm definitely glad I held her as much as I did. ;-)

desdemona39 · October 2011

vanfox:
Nah, you can't spoil her. When I hear that from relatives, I pretty much just laugh and say how old-school that thinking is. Kids get spoiled from giving them too many things, not from giving them the attention they need. Self soothing doesn't even start until around 4 months, though some babies don't develop it until later. My LO is nearly 6 months and just starting to suck on his fingers or hold blankets whEn he needs comfort. Before it was just crying until mom or dad soothed him.

All of this exactly. Follow your instincts- if not responding to your baby feels wrong, it is! I will never look back and wish I held my baby less. Hang in there, it does get easier as LO begins to play for short periods of time alone.

Snapdragon750 · October 2011

It sounds like you have an extremely fussy (maybe colicky?) baby. So she might not be able to self-soothe very well, and in any case "spoiling" is the wrong word to use. If your baby is that fussy then you have to do whatever works.

Heather16578 · October 2011

Aw no you cant spoil her!!! I used to hear that I was spoiling my baby because I would get her when she cried. Even my mom said that the baby knew what she was doing to make me come get her. What??? She was like 2 months old please she wanted a cuddle so I'm going to cuddle her. I know it sounds hard having to always be holding her... Have you tried a swing?? That way she's on the move but you dont have to hold her and you can take a shower. My DD loves the swing or I put her in a bouncy chair with a mirror so she can see herself.

Dont worry your not a bad mommy ignore what they are saying she is too young to be spoiled.

Lorrainium · October 2011

From what I've read and speaking with my father, you cannot spoil a baby that young. From newborn to 12 months, you cannot spoil a baby. And for that matter, responding to baby's fussing and cries promptly, is teaching him/her that you can be trusted. Your LO's need to be active often, sounds like a high-needs baby, she just needs a little more attention. Dr. Sears has a wonderful website that has info on many things attachment/instinctual parenting, high-needs babies included. You are not a bad mother, your concern for you little one and wishes to be all she needs, proves that.

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