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2nd Trimester
Getting slightly frustrated -- MIL vent (BR)
I've brought up the idea twice now (once before I was pregnant, once just the other day) about she and my FIL investing in a reasonably priced pool gate. I brought it up the first time because my little cousins-in-law are both 2 and they swim in that pool all the time, people go out there with them all the time, so they think they would be allowed out there whenever. They have snuck out the doors before and been palming the water at the steps! It makes me cringe.
Anyway, two days ago she was telling me and my SIL a 'funny story' about how one of the girls fell into the little hot tub that's attached to the pool. I was like "WHAT? 
" without really even thinking, and my MIL is like "Yeah! She had her floaties on though (laughing while she said this)." Um, does it really matter? She won't have her floaties on 24/7. Then I asked if anyone was out there and she's like "I think her mom might have been but she wasn't out there when I went out there." (So, NO, this child was alone! Just like I suspected). So then I replied "Maybe you should get a gate to set along the edge of the steps that lead down to the pool since our (me and SIL's) babies will be here before you know it...plus the girls are already playing around the pool all the time." She proceeded to grimace at me with a look I can only describe as saying "Ew." So I continued, and I was like "I would have flipped out of that was DS, so..." And then she kind of shook her head in disgust (about the idea of a pool gate, of course) and started talking about something else.
And that ended the pool gate conversation.
I talked to my SO about it, and I just told him that if she wasn't going to compromise and at least buy the cheaper gate that you just set against the edge-line of the pool (because I know the other ones that you anchor to the ground are pricey and she is cheap as hell), then DS seriously would not be staying the night over there or going over there without one of us. It is truly not worth it to me, and if she wants him over there 'all the time' like she says, she needs to take some freaking precautions! I will never in my life forgive her if he ever fell into that pool while she had him and sucked in water in ANY way. I'm not carrying him for 9 months only to have something awful happen when irresponsible, uncooperative grandparents are watching him. It's not like I'm asking them to baby proof their entire house or sanitize everything in sight.
I mean, is it outrageous that I hint to wanting a pool gate there?! She told me one of the girls fell in, regardless of whether or not she had her floaties on, she still fell in and no one was watching her. And knowing little boys, my DS will probably be jumping in when no one is watching, and I will just die of anger if that happens. So I would just like to avoid that situation all together, but it would be so much easier if she could just compromise on this.
Ugh! Thanks for letting me vent.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Getting slightly frustrated -- MIL vent (BR)
FIL just moved into a house with a pool and he and DH installed locks high up on all of the doors that lead to the fenced pool yard. The house already had alarms, so now they have both.
FIL is super responsible, but I would not allow my toddler over there without necessary precautions.
I agree with you. I would probably just tell her when the time came that "we're not comfortable leaving our child for visits at a home with a pool and no security."
It'll be up to her to increase the security or not.
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. As responsbile grandparents they should have just thought it install a gate knowing their grandchildren would be there. It is not funny at all that the little girl fell in the hot tub and she should not think it is funny. I can guarantee my son would not be staying at a house where the pool is wide open and supervision is not a guarantee. Stick to your guns on this one!
Yeah, I wouldn't be letting my child stay alone there. And floaties are no guarantee against drowning. What would have happened if she couldn't get up, or if she hit her head when she fell?
In the province of ONtario.. it's ILLEGAL to have a pool that doesn't have a locking gate and fence around it..
its kinda crazy.. but its a law here
I was just emailing SO about this, I think we should just buy it for them. The thing is, I think they don't want one because it's not cosmetically appealing, but who really cares?! I can already see her face on Christmas when we show up with a pool gate...haha!
I'm so 'for' pool gates because when I was young, the neighbor's granddaughter drowned in their pool, and it was awful. I do not want that to be my child!
I don't think it's crazy at all! Most states won't approve home owner's insurance if you do not have a fence/gate around your pool - for exactly the reason the op mentioned.
Your MIL/FIL would be held liable if there was an accident on their property and they didn't have the proper preventions in place. So, if she doesn't care enough about you or your little one, maybe the thought of a large lawsuit would put her butt into high gear...
Exactly. I don't want to get b!tchy with her, but I already planned on mentioning that as my next step. I'm pretty sure that me saying "Well, you do know if he drowns here or ends up in the hospital in any sort of pool-related incident, you could face jail time since we have both warned you and begged you to allow a pool gate to be put up around the pool" will kick her into gear...both to buy a pool gate and to be incredibly mad at me for suggesting I would send her to jail. But I don't really care!
SO is a deputy, and they are just so stupidly annoyed anytime he has to take a precaution or be paranoid and mock him about the fact that his job would fire him for 'actually doing/being around/befriending people who do this or that.' I know that's why they are being difficult about the pool gate, because they think we are paranoid. And that is just the stupidest reason for them to not get one.
I'm glad you take the safety of your LO seriously. I wouldn't let my child over to a house, without my supervision, if it was that unsafe - especially knowing that the adults seem to think that minor accidents are funny.
My LO is not allowed without me to my parents house. My mother is a hoarder, and although it isn't as bad as what you see on those TV shows about it -- it is bad. Their house simply isn't safe, and I don't trust my parents to watch my child closely enough for him to not get hurt. My mother cleaning up her mess simply isn't an option (at least for her), so I made it clear that my child is not allowed over there without me. End of discussion.
(Yes, my mom has asked, and it does hurt her feelings, but when it comes to the safety and health of my child, there is no compromise.)
My friends nephew drown in the pool in his own backyard during a BBQ. The boy was 4 yrs old. No one was paying attention and there were no gates. He thought he could swim with or without swimmies.
It was heartbreaking. It ripped that family apart. Dad is now a struggling alcoholic and mom is addicted to pills and the two remaining children have an extremely hard time.
I got DS into his first swim class at 6 months and they taught them how to float, but still I believe that all pools should be fenced and locked.
It is insane that your MIL doesn't seem to care.
ITA with this.
OP- I apologize if I'm reading your posts wrong, but it seems like you really want to be able to leave your child there without you. I would stop trying to find a way to force the issue of the gate on them (buying it as a gift, mentioning lawsuits etc.) and accept that this will not be a safe environment for your child to be in without you there to supervise.
"Not Cosmetically appealing"
I would seriously FLIP if she said this to me. You should seriously use the "then my kid isn't spending the night...... EVER and will not be coming over without DH or I" Case closed. Mouth Shut. MIL trumped. Mommy gets final say. F U....
I have to agree with this. Of course the pool should be fenced, but even if your MIL agrees to put the fence around the pool, I wouldn't leave your child alone with her.
Proud mother of two breech babies:)
I agree. You made the request, she doesn't want to do it. That's her house and her right, just as it's your right as a parent to say that your child won't be staying there when/if she asks if they can stay over. Her choice in this will certainly have a consequence, but personally I wouldn't make a big deal about it until the time comes that she asks, and at that point I would just calmly say "MIL, I've heard too many stories about kids drowning in pools. I completely understand if you don't want to put up a gate since they're not very cosmetically appealing, but without one up we (make sure your H is on board with this) just don't feel comfortable having DS spend time there without us". Don't be accusing or snotty about it and say "well, you decided not to put up a gate, this is what you get!", but I would let her nicely know why you're saying no in case that makes her change her mind.
That is just crazy and very dangerous. In my state you have to have your pool fenced in or a working gate with a lock. And having floaties on does not mean that the child wont drowned. What if the child stated to panic and the came off? She need to get a gate for safety.
While I think it's ridiculous that she won't child-proof at least her doors so the kids can't get out, you really can't demand that she child-proof the pool unless you want to pay for it yourself. I do, however, agree that you don't let your child go over there unless it's made safer or you or your DH is with your baby.
Why hasn't the mom of your cousins made a stink about it? Does your SIL have an opinion? Could the three of you go in together for the fence/gate?
I'm venting here, obviously I am going to be whining about how badly I think she should gate the pool no matter how ugly it looks because it's what would be best for all the toddlers, including my son, that visit/will visit her house. But I have not talked to her about it in a 'demanding' light. I am aware she doesn't want to do it, hence why I made a post venting about how it's frustrating. I know we can't make her. And yes, I would say to her that if something happened she could be liable because we would have suggested several times for them to consider gating the pool. Not that she would care, because she used to be 'that mom' that let the 16 year old kids all drink at her house and then drive home; however, that's very beside the point.
She knows using the gate doesn't mean leaving the gate up 24/7, as that would be pointless because they have no children living at their home. It means extending the gate when the grandkids are over. I think if we bought them one they wouldn't mind using it like that, but then (as a few of you suggested) who's to say they will leave it closed when our LO's are over there (namely my son).
In regards to the issue, my SO is going to talk to his parents and see if they would mind if we bought them one that they could use when the kids came over. If they say they don't want one, then that will be it. I won't make a big scene and threaten to never allow DS over without me or his dad, I will just not do it and if she happens to ask one day, I will tell her why and that's that.
Overall, it's just a frustrating situation either way. I just think of it as 'if these were my grandchildren, I would buy a gate to use for the times they came over (until they were old enough to swim alone).' I think that's where my frustration comes from, but then again not everyone will think just like me and my SO, and it seems my MIL has different ideas on what is/is not acceptable around her house.
Thank you all for your opinions, even the ones that disagree, because it's helping me to see the situation from both sides.