LGBT Parenting

Can I ask a question?

Ok, I hope this is not annoying but I need perspective and I thought that this board might have more insight than the Parenting board.  I realize that this may or may not have ever been an issue for you as an individual but still wanted opinions.

How much do you think a parent should support non-traditional gender roles in a very young child?  Do you think a parent should support it unconditionally or should they somewhat have their child conform in order to avoid teasing/bullying?

My son is almost 4 and loves to paint his nails and loves dress-up, almost always princess dress-up.  DH and I are totally fine with this.  He wants to be Batgirl for Halloween and this has me torn, it does not bother me on a personal level but the though of a kid or parent making a comment has me torn.  He has had girls from his preschool laugh and make comments that girls wear nail polish but then he just says yeah and laughs and they all move on, it is a Montessori preschool so there are no gender specific toys so it is not really an issue at his school.

I am leaning towards letting him get the Batgirl costume and wear it to Sesame Place when we go there for Halloween but having him wear something else on Halloween.  And that makes me cringe, I want to support who he is and what he likes and yet feel that there will be a point that he needs to learn what "social norms" are and that other people do have an issue with it even if our family does not.

And I realize that dressing up in "girly" costumes does not mean he will be/is LGBT but I figured that someone on here might have more insight that anyone I know.  And I REALLY hope that no one takes offense to this post, I am really looking for insight and suggestions and cannot handle flaming.  You can tell from my bio and siggy pic that I am a real person and am just trying to do what is right for my son.  Thanks for reading.

Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08

Re: Can I ask a question?

  • Hi, Jen. Welcome to this board - it is surprisingly non-flaming! Smile This is a safe space.

    This is certainly hard, and the most important thing you and your husband can do is reassure him that it's ok. There will probably be comments, but if your son can have your support and his dad's, he'll be a heck of a whole lot more secure in who he is despite what other people might say. (I.e., with the nail polish comment, I might reply, "well, you're a boy, and you're wearing nail polish, so obviously boys can wear it too if they want to," and maybe he'll tell the girls that when they say it again.)

    With the Halloween costume thing, if he really wants to wear the Batgirl costume, I would try to lighten it up by dressing up in an opposite-gender costume myself (I don't generally wear a costume when I take kids trick-or-treating, but I would in this case). People have a surprisingly easy time making comments about kids, but it's not so easy to say something to a parent when she's wearing, say, a Wolverine costume.

    Just a suggestion. You guys will figure this out - you are clearly supportive of your son and want him to grow comfortably into who he's going to be, and that's the most important thing.

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  • Here is a great blog that may give some insight: https://raisingmyrainbow.com/
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  • You won't get flamed.  I think it's awesome you and your DH are as comfortable as you are with your son's desire to do 'girly' things.  A girl on my local board once refused to buy the green and blue spotted Target diapers for a girl because they were too 'boyish' Hmm  Anyway....my only experience dealing with this sort of thing is when I was a pre-school teacher. There was one 4 year old boy who loved dress up, make up, and all the tradition girl things.  He really didn't get teased much and whenever something did happen we used it as a teaching opportunity for the other children.

    I guess my vote would be to let him wear the costume of his choice but also talk to his teachers and let them know your concern.  This way they can watch for any possible teasing and handle it as appropriate.

    I think your son should play with CTBride's son:

    https://2mommies2be.wordpress.com/2011/05/31/gender-bender/

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  • I should add that his preschool does not dress-up so it will not be an issue at school with the costume but I know that my close friend's s5yo on who we trick or treat with will likely say something, he has a big sister and is very defined in his gender roles.

    Thanks for the insight, any more comments would be great.

    Oh, and for the nail polish, I like that reply.  All I came up with the first time we went to school with it on was that if anyone says anything to tell them he is a rock star.  The funny thing is that a lot of his clothes are rocker looking, the Crazy 8 (Gymboree) clothing, he never wants to go to school dressed in girl clothes but almost always in his play.

    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
  • I have 5y old twin boys who ocassionally like "girl" things. One of my boys' favorite color is pink and he has chosen pink sunglasses (with rhinestones!), pink winter hat and scarf, etc (his favorite toys are Littlest Pet Shop.)  However, we've drawn the line at expensive items (ie. the pink down winter coat - he chose red instead and accented it with the pink and white scarf/mittens.) I have NO issues with either of my sons expresssing themselves, but I am not willing to fork over $60 to have my son decide that pink is no longer cool and refuse to wear the coat. I am willing to get new hats/scarves/mittens. Neither child wants clothes from the girl section in the store and are pretty rough and tumble kids.

    As for a costume, I would be happy to get a non-traditional one for my sons. If you think your friends are going to make a stink, prep them ahead - before they see him. "Johnny is so excite to wear his Batgirl costume!" So, if they feel the need to comment (insert big eyeroll from me) they can do it out of earshot of your son.

    good luck - and you sound like awesome parents!

    Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers
  • Our neighbors son love Purple and wanted to be a purple butterfly for halloween last year and HIS DADDY was so upset - He also traded in his pacifiers for a PINK Scooter ... again DAD has some issues- I like to think that his issues subsided becaus ethey lived next to us and he was always asking me about being Butch and teatering on being trans.  Anyhow, He still has a lil issue with it but  Mom was super cool and just let their sone express himself.  People did bark at them and some made fun herhusband included but overall ... she stood her ground and everyone became ok with it. 

     Prior to us knowing what we werehaving ( it was surprise) my mom would not buy clothes and I said buy what you like if its Pink and a cute and we have aboy I would still use it ... and I feel strongly about that- If I had a son ( have to girls ) and he wanted to go to school in a tutu and cowboy boots I would let him...if our daughters want to wear boys under wear when the time comes so be it ...

    I think its awesome of you ... and honestly if any one grunts at it or comments rudely what does that REALLY say about them ... 

    Let us know how it goes.

     -J&M

    - 2 Moms 2 Twins Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    our Blog -http://dosbabies.wordpress.com/
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  • This is a tough topic to navigate! Even as a gay mama who is very comfortable with bending gender norms, I've had these same debates with myself.  Do I protect him from teasing? Do i teach him the norms?  Or do i just throw caution to the wind and let him toe the line as much as his little heart desires?

    What I've come to settle on is a type of happy medium.  I let him wear nail polish, bows in his hair, and much of his wardrobe is pink and purple (his two fave colors).  But, we've also had talks about how that might be different than what most boys do, or what most boys are comfortable with.  I encourage him to follow his heart and express himself the way he is comfortable, but when he comes home from school saying a kid teased him i say, "yeah, that's gonna happen love." 

    so i would go ahead and let him be batgirl, but maybe also talk to him about how its different from the norm and people may mention that.

    Have you seen this post by Nerdy Apple Bottom? https://nerdyapplebottom.com/2010/11/02/my-son-is-gay/

    its awesome :)

  • imagectbride08:

    This is a tough topic to navigate! Even as a gay mama who is very comfortable with bending gender norms, I've had these same debates with myself.  Do I protect him from teasing? Do i teach him the norms?  Or do i just throw caution to the wind and let him toe the line as much as his little heart desires?

    What I've come to settle on is a type of happy medium.  I let him wear nail polish, bows in his hair, and much of his wardrobe is pink and purple (his two fave colors).  But, we've also had talks about how that might be different than what most boys do, or what most boys are comfortable with.  I encourage him to follow his heart and express himself the way he is comfortable, but when he comes home from school saying a kid teased him i say, "yeah, that's gonna happen love." 

    so i would go ahead and let him be batgirl, but maybe also talk to him about how its different from the norm and people may mention that.

    Have you seen this post by Nerdy Apple Bottom? https://nerdyapplebottom.com/2010/11/02/my-son-is-gay/

    its awesome :)

    Thanks.  I read your post that someone linked above and will ready Nerdy Apple Bottom's post too.  I have talked to DS before and will continue to when it comes up, thanks for the reminder b/c it would be so much easier to ignore it like teasing won't happen.  All I want is for him to grow up self-confident.

    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
  • wow, i just wanted to say how much i loved this thread. and i loved the story from nerdy apple bottom so much i shared it on my regular board. thanks all.
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