PPD/A or something else? — The Bump
Postpartum Depression

PPD/A or something else?

I was Dx with PPD at my 6 week pp visit.  My duaghter is almost 1 and it has gone untreated since then.  I declined meds, thinking it would just get better.

Things have not gotten better, or worse - just different.

I have TONS of totally irrational thoughts, all with an very bad end result.  I will give just a few examples - this is the first time I am actually writing it out.

1 - a while ago, I was pulling out of my driveway, I saw a kid on a bike.  So, I stopped my van and he rode by.  He probably never even saw my van moving.  Meaning - it was NOT a close call, I did not almost hit him, I did not even have to stop short.

But, randomly - I will start to think...what if I hit hi?  Would I have dragged him under my car?  Would he have been thrown into the park (across the street)?  How would I find his parents?  Could I have killed him?

This then turns into --- DID I kill him and I don't remember?  Is he now a missing child and is sitting in a ditch somewhere?

I think about this a lot.  Sometimes I have to go out and look under my van.

2 - The other day I got a very small burn on my hand while I was straining pasta.  yeah, it hurt.  But, it did not even leave a blister - just a red mark.

After it happened (not right away though), I thought - what if I didn't pull my hand away right away.  Would I have burned right to the bone?  I wonder how long I would have to leave my hand under boiling water to get a seriously bad burn?  Would I have to go to the hospital?  If I went, should I call XYZ to watch my kids?  What if it was my face?  Would I be disfigured for life? 

3 - A while back I kinda missed a step while carrying one of the girls down the stairs.  I did not fall, trip, etc.  Kinda like just kept going, no big deal.  There is a full window at the bottom of the stairs.

I start thinking - what if I DID miss the step, and then I threw the baby threw the window.  Would she break an arm?  Would she need stiches all over her face and head?  Would her hair grow funny if she had scars on her head?  Would I remember to have someone pick up my older children from school while I raced to the ER?  If I forgot, what would happen to the older kids?

These are just 3 examples.  I feel HORRIBLE for even thinking these things.  Then I feel horrible for feeling horrible and not doing anything.   Then I feel bad for the pretend people that I have caused harm to.

Let me just say - I WILL NOT ACTUALLY DO ANY OF THESE THINGS on purpose.  But, my mind is constantly racing with these thoughts.

I know I need to call my doc, which I need to schedule a very overdue pap as well (another totally irrational thought process which is making me not call)

I am just wondering your thoughts.  There are othere things but this already turned out so long.  Is this something that meds can "fix"

Thanks in advance

Re: PPD/A or something else?

  • oh dear, that sounds exhausting.  I hope you schedule your appointment soon and you and your doc are able to come up with a good plan. 

     I've got no similar experience of my own, but you have my sympathy!

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  • I just wanted to say that I've had some similar thoughts  and experiences.  I have an appointment with my doctor to discuss.  To me it feels like anxiety.  I just feel ramped-up, like I can't relax.  I don't have any answers for you but I wanted you to know that you're not alone.  I hope you go to the doctor as well to discuss.  
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  • sounds like generalized anxiety.  i had similar racing thoughts even before i had DD - like mini-panic attacks. I was ecstatic after i had DD, felt great  - no baby blues or PPD, but i still have thoughts like that occasionally (3 years later).  i haven't treated it - so far it hasn't interfered with my life too much. if it got to that point, i would definitely see a therapist to work through it.
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