What to do? - Long and sad
My cousin, call him S and his girlfriend, H announced their pregnancy over 4th of July weekend. She was married before at a very young age and had 4 children. Both of them are younger than I (they're 25 and 26). S and I have always been close since we're only 4 months apart in age. I'm friend with both on FB.
A few days ago, I noticed H was complaining of being sick, as in can't keep anything down. I didn't know how bad it was, but I had about 3 colds while pregnant and I told her that if she needed anything, DH and I were here for them (they live about 20 minutes from us). Well, today I got an email from my mom who just found out from my aunt that H was in the hospital with a fever of 104. She somehow went into labor and the baby lived for 2 hours. His little lungs were just too premature to support him and he passed. They're pretty devastated, and my heart is breaking for them. I don't know what hospital she's in, or what to do. I would call my aunt, but I'm afraid she might already be so bombarded by family I don't want to add to the pressure of reliving her pain by telling another person what happened. They've decided to have a funeral for him, but no word other than that.
I don't know if going to the hospital would be a good idea, or if I should wait until she's home and possibly make a meal for them? Would flowers be appropriate? Just a phone call? This has all just happened so fast that my head is spinning.
Re: What to do? - Long and sad
I am so sorry for your family's loss and for S&H. How very devestating for them and the children. I think I would leave them alone while at the hospital. And then make a freezer meal for them once they are home. They might get a lot of food so having something they can freeze for later is a good idea. As for flowers I know some women find them hard to recive because in a few days/week they die as well. I do think a note would be nice, now and again in a few weeks.
If they are still in the hospital you might see about contacting Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep: https://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/locate_photographer/ They can take tasteful photos of the parents and child so that there is something tangibile of this lost life later for the parents.
Again I am so sorry for thier loss.
I agree with staying away from the hospital at this point, it sounds like she's got some support there and most likely if you show up there someone is going to feel obligated to tell you what happened plus the last thing she can deal with is someone sadly watching her sit in a hospital bed.
Is there anyway you could get over to there house and pick up/clean up right before she comes home. That's the type of thing that would mean the world to me because even under the best of circumstances it sucks coming home to a dirty house. Instead of flowers now I would either do flowers for his service, some kind of plant/flower they could plant in his memory ( talk to her mom or husband to see if that would be appreciated or more depressing).
Mostly I would be there long term, after all the support drifts away people stop talking about little ones and of course everyone is different but most people feel very isolated in their thoughts of their lost one. If you can be someone see can talk to about her son without pity, can help her to feel that other people didn't just forget him, that he did exist and is important, that is the most important thing I think you could possibly do for her.
There family will be in my thoughts.
I'm so sorry for their loss. How awful. A dear friend of mine lost their child when the mother got sick. It's so awful. I'd let her know in whatever why you usually communicate that you know what happened and are so sorry for their loss. And then once she gets home, offer a meal or to clean or something. And let her talk if she wants to later on.