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Trying to Get Pregnant
DAJS2210
member
Considering a TTC break. Warning: long sad story, abortion mentioned
DAJS2210
member
Hey ladies, I'm more of a lurker than anything but I would love to hear what you would do if you were faced with this situation. Some background info on myself. I have a 17mth old son and have been ttc #2 for a year come Dec. I had originally hoped to have 2u2.
So on Wednesday we found out that my brother's ex is 22wks pregnant with his child. This came as a surprise for her, she had no idea she was pregnant. When she found out she completely freaked out and is seriously mentally unstable. She drank for days and planned an abortion (there is a clinic that will do them up until you are 23wks pregnant, and its a sick process I wish I had never heard any details about) This was scheduled for Monday Oct 3rd, just before she would be 23wks. Her family attempted to talk her out of it, she said she would kill herself if she didn't get the abortion. After a week of this, her family called my mother and brother to let them know what was going on, she didn't want him to know.
She ended up hospitalised because of the threats to kill herself and is currently in a safe house under surveillance. My brother has been doing everything in his power to try and convince her to keep the baby. She looked him right in the face and said "I am going to kill your daughter". My brother is a complete wreck over this. The doctors are trying to pin-point what her mental condition is but they're assuming she's bi-polar.
After everyone telling her there were other options, and her refusing to listen to any of them, my husband and I offered to adopt and raise the child for her. My brother is 100% in favour of this option since he is in no way capable of raising this baby on his own. And my husband and I are the only one's directly related that are in any position to raise a baby right now/long term, since we don't know how much damage has been done to this child due to her drinking. After being given this option yesterday, this morning we find out she's cancelled the abortion. My brother was overjoyed to hear he has helped to save his baby's life.
Now we have no idea what her plans are regarding any of this, all we know is the abortion is cancelled and she doesn't yet want to keep the baby. We have no idea what the chances are my husband and I are asked to raise this child. I'm at a loss on if we should continue ttc or wait and see if we'll be asked to parent their child. I'm not sure how to think or feel about this, my mind has been racing for the last 3 days. My DH is currently deployed so I haven't been able to fully discuss things with him, since we can only communicate by email. I just need to hear someone else's thoughts.
Thanks.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Considering a TTC break. Warning: long sad story, abortion mentioned
Falling in Love! November 2014
Wow. That sounds absolutely horrible. I am glad that the ex is getting some sort of care, but I hope they can determine a diagnosis and get her the help she needs. She is clearly mentally ill and in need of treatment.
I will be thinking of you. This sounds like an emotional rollercoaster. I would proceed with your life and plans as you were before, because she doesn't sound stable enough to make a rational decision at this point, and honestly, it could cause a lot of heartache down the line if later on she says she was coerced. (I am not saying this is what happened, I am saying that SHE might say it is what happened.) Get as much in writing as possible, and handle everything through an attorney if there is any intention of adopting. It would be horrible if she agreed to this now, and went back on it later because there was no formal agreement. I would just do your best to research the birth parent and adoptive parent rights, and emotionally prepare for a long and potentially difficult process. Sending positive thoughts to you, your brother, the ex, and the baby. Hope everything ends well for all ofyou.
** After 2 1/2 years of Unexplained IF, 2 failed medicated cycles, and 4 failed IUI's - our baby girl came to us through the miracle of Mini IVF! **
My sister is bipolar and I don't know if you have dealt with anyone in this kind of a situation before. I have some advice about that part...be ready for her to up and change her mind again and again. Especially, if she is not on meds or is not taking them regularly. People with bipolar disorder make decisions that can change from minute to minute.
That means that you can NOT get to emotionally invested in the situation. Do not allow her to take you on her emotional roller coaster ride with her. You will regret going on the ride even though your heart is in the right spot.
If you are willing to take it day by day then I would not put your TTC plans on hold. In one day she may decide she wants to keep the baby, then abort, then adopt and then keep the baby again. I am not over exaggerating. This is a regular process with my sister.
So, if I were you I would not put my plans/life on pause to help someone else. If you do and then she decides to give the baby to someone else or have the abortion anyways you will regret your decision bases on the choices of a very emotionally sick person.
I don't know what else to say but GL and I would put you and your family plans first. But, this is just IMO..
Make a pregnancy ticker
Only you know what you want and what is best for you and your family. I think you are very admirable for even considering the possibility.
Agreed.
Hang in there in the mean time. I can only imagine how crazy this has all been for you.
Thank you all for your quick responses.
To answer some of the questions asked; my brother has a lot of growing up to do, and isn't sure he's ready or capable to deal with this responsibility. So he feels the most responsible decision he could make is to allow my DH and I to raise the child.
My DH will be home in just a couple weeks. We will be fully discussing what we will do when he returns. It has just been hard having this weighing so heavy on my mind with no one to talk to about things. I guess I just need to attempt to quiet my mind for now and deal with this day by day.
After almost 2 years of TTC and fertility treatments we got a surprise BFP in May 2013
Extremely difficult situation. My BIL is similarly not well position to be caring for his child (and another one his wife already had from before) which has left my ILs the de facto guardians, but without the security of a legal arraignment. I agree with others posters that you should be looking into getting as much in writing as soon as possible; my IL live with the constant threat of the children being taken away to another state if they don't 'toe the line' with my SIL's requests. There is some pretty nasty domestic abuse and neglect of the children (shamefully nothing ASC has been able to really do anything about) and the situation was bad enough earlier this summer that MH almost went back to KS to stay home with the kids so his parents could go to work. We even considered trying to figure out if there was some way we could convince them to let us adopt as well, but it is never going to happen.
I hope that this situation resolves to everyone's best interest and I also hope that you are able to work on taking care of yourself in this very stressful time.
This. I have bipolar disorder, and based on whether I'm manic, depressed, or somewhere in between, I can make wildly different decisions about things. I quit my PhD during one manic episode, and have gone through phases since where I consider going back to get my PhD again, but I'm right back at not wanting to go back depending on my mood. This is just one of MANY very large, very important decisions that I have made based on whatever bipolar episode I was having at a given time. I can't even trust my own decisions most of the time. So don't get emotionally invested in being a mother to her child yet. Her decision could change quickly.
Wow. I am so sorry to hear about this. My suggestion would be to continue your plans. As many others have stated this is such a risky situation in that her being bipolar could cause her to change her mind. I will be praying for you and your family.
Good Luck.