Sharing Information
fellesferie
member
So, I try to send XH emails to update him about things going on with DS. How he's doing at school, what his teacher says, his health, how he's doing in TaeKwonDo, when his next promotional belt testing is scheduled, etc etc. Sometimes I send pictures or videos.
Probably two out of every three of these emails go unanswered or acknowledged. I find it incredibly...I don't know..rude?
I send the updates so that XH can have something to talk with DS about over the phone, and so he has a general idea of how things are going.
As the CP, is it my responsibility (morally, I mean) to just keep sending the updates? A lot of the SMs here seem to wish they were more informed, but I have no idea if you guys ask for the information you want.
I don't know if I even want to stop sending the updates, I just don't like that it's basically a one-way street.
Re: Sharing Information
I don't think it's your responsibility in situations like this to continue. I stopped giving the updates for the most part. I figure if he wants to know, he will ask. I'm only a text, phone call, ect. away. Of course, my EX only lives 20 minutes from us and DD sees him EOW so maybe if I were in your situation I might feel more obligated. That's not to say I still don't feel obligated some of the time. I texted DD's BF a pic of her on her first day of middle school just to be nice. He never replied. He never called her to ask how her first day of school went. He just only acts like she is his kid on his weekends it seems.
My H's ex-gf (SD's BM) will send him and sometimes me, pictures with updates, for example she sent a coupel of pictures of her first day of school with an update on how it went. I responded, but I know that my H did not. He really never does. I don't think it is because he doesn't appreciate the effort on BM's part, it is just because he doesn't regularly check email, and I guess if there isn't a specific question or something that needs answered, he just leaves it as is.
I say keep sending the updates, even if you don't get a response.
I stopped sending my exH updates, well because I can't stand him, but my dd is old enough to tell him things. Plus he sees her often enough.
I send BM photos of the boys about once a month. Mostly she doesn't respond, and I don't usually include any info. When she responds and asks a question, I reply to her. If she just says "thanks" or "nice photos," I don't say anything back.
I don't know what the "responsibility" of the CP is. Even in the face of disinterest, I think it's nice to make an effort to provide some info to the NCP, but I wouldn't say it is an obligation. If the roles were reversed, I'd be asking for info, for sure, and I'd expect the CP to answer questions. I don't know that I'd expect them to take the initiative.
This exactly.
Thanks, ladies. I'll keep sending things.
I would prefer it to be more of a dialogue, but it is what it is.
I used to send her photos because she only has her phone camera and now I just don't give a ***
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Why don't you just ask him if he'd like you to continue sending the updates? Then you'll know if it's worth your effort.
It's certainly a nice gesture, and our BM offers nothing. In fact, once the time of SS's kindergarten graduation changed, and she didn't even tell him. My H and I showed up, and we'd missed it. It was a terrible feeling.
She didn't tell us about it either, but H was in contact with the teacher, who did... and we showed up and she was all "what the , you can't be here..." (when there is no reason for us not to be... she looked like a fool and it was another check in the box for parental alientation...
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I stopped informing bd of things when ds was about 11. He rarely seemed interested or came to an event that was not on his weekend. When ds was 11 or 12 I figured he could tell his dad if need be.
I think you aren't wrong either way.
No snark and all sincerity, it's your XH's job to maintain the relationship with his child. Not yours. If he were showing any interest or if he were actively asking then I would say you would have a moral responsiblity. It sounds like he has neither. This was a hard lesson to learn for me, but it was such a weight off my shoulders being able to get rid of the resentment of him not responding when I knew he had nothing to respond to. Make sense?
We got into a huuuuuge fight about this issue several years ago. Back when I still cared about what he did, I called him out on the fact that he never, ever contacted me to ask about DS. He told me that if it bothered me so much, I could prepare a report for him every Friday. I told him where to shove it, and that was the end of the discussion.
Things have been pretty amicable for the past 2-3 years, though.
Totally. I have a lot of resentment toward him about the way he just turned his back on DS emotionally, physically, and financially when we split. He told us to get out, and he cleaned out most of our bank account, immediately took me off his health insurance, lied to his parents about what happened... the list goes on.
There are two reasons that I keep making an effort--
Since the divorce finalized, he has never been late with CS. And for the past two years, he's paid extra CS that we put into a 529 for DS. He doesn't have to do that, and I think it's a nice gesture. He's also offered to pay more to help with extra curriculars (which we thanked him for but declined).
He's also been pretty consistently easy to work with. He's been flexible with his parenting time, our family vacations, and other transportation type issues.