Mom & MIL in delivery room (rambling thoughts)

TucktheTurtle · September 2011

(I'm kind of rambling here. TL;DR: Natural birth. I'm thinking of having my mom and MIL in the room with me the whole time. Thoughts?)

So, this is my second child. I was induced and had an epidural with my first, and both my mom and MIL came in for a while during my labor. I kicked everyone but DH out while I was pushing (about 30 minutes).

This time I want a completely natural birth, but I will have the baby in a hospital. There are very limited midwife and doula options where I live, so it's pretty much up to DH and I to make sure it happens the way I want (barring medical emergencies).

The problem is DH is pretty much useless (in the nicest was possible!) I know I can't count on him to advocate for me when I'm in the middle of labor. I don't know if I can trust him to get in my face and remind me that I can do it if I'm starting to doubt myself. And I know he wouldn't tell a nurse to hush if they keep pushing drugs at me.

I'm thinking of having my mom stay in the room with me the whole time (leaving for snacks or whatever). She's tough. She's outspoken. She gave birth to my sister and I drug free, and she believes that I'm just as tough as she is. We tend to fight a lot, but I hope that we can be around each other for a few hours without fighting.

The problem is, I don't want MIL to feel left out. I love her, and I'd be totally comfortable with her being in the room with me while I'm birthing. I know she'd be really comforting and supportive.

SIL and FIL will be able to take care of DD while I'm in labor, so I'm not really worried about that.

Has anyone successfully had both moms and husband in the room with them? Or do you think that's too many people? Any other thoughts?

ryaroberts · September 2011

Well first, I think you're CRAZY for having a med free birth but best of luck girl! :-) Second, there's no way I'd want either of my mother in law's in the room during that kind of craziness, but I would def. have my mom there, no prob.

KatelynEA90 · September 2011

Please excuse the poor format, I'm on my phone and it doesnt always like thebump.

My sister wanted a natural birth and was allowed 3 people in the room. she chose her husband, our mom and her mother-in-law. she got an awesome nurse that allowed me to stay in the room too and did get a mostly natural birth. (they were concerned about how long it was since her water broke and gave her a little pitocin) she never regretted having her MIL there.

This is my first baby but I'm having my SO, my mom, and my sister in the room. Like yours, my SO will be somewhat useless in being strong about my natural birth wishes with the nurses. He will be great with encouraging me to keep going but his parents are nurses and he will fall for a 'scare tactic' far too easily. I'm really nervous about something being pushed on me that isnt necessary and my mom and sister will know the difference better and/or be able to communicate with the nurses better about my wishes.

I'm not super close with SO's mom and I'm not sure what her views on low-intervention births is. I should probably find that out, she's surprised me more than once but I'm not sure I would be comfortable with her there at this point.

Anna.Marie · September 2011

I would LOVE my mother to be in the room. However, if she is my DH will want his mother there and she would just stress me out. The women drives me crazy at the best of times.

Also, props for going all natural. Personally, give me all the drugs you can. I want nothing but good memories (or atleast the best memories possible) from the birth.

kiarstin · September 2011

I am having my MIL in the room!!! If everyone gets along I don't see a problem. I don't think it would be overwhelming or anything, my sister had a her kid in a birth house, our whole family was there. She said it was a great distraction in beginning of labor and when pushing she said it could have be 1 or 100 she wouldn't have even noticed.

SeptemberBride'08 · September 2011

First off you are not crazy for wanting a natural birth. Women have been doing it medication free for thousands of years!

If you feel comfortable having your mom and MIL in the room more power to you! You have to do what feels right for you and DH. I am sure if you decided not to have MIL In the room she would understand, I think most MIL's would, being that they are not your mom. Best of luck with whatever you choose!

pinksweetpea2 · September 2011

If you want them both in the room, then go for it. My Mom and MIL get along great- we have even all gone on vacation together. While I understand why many people don't want their Mom or MIL involved, they are not you or me and every situation is different.

My Mom was at the birth of my first and I have considered asking MIL to be there this time around, but DH doesn't what her there. My Mom is coming again but this time will be focused on caring for DD.

One thing- you shouldn't just include your MIL because you think it is fare...but only because you really want her there. If she is offended because you choose to only have your Mom, then that is her problem. For as much as I LOVE my MIL, she is not my Mom...and she totally gets that.

bride2005!! · September 2011

I'd say it completely depends on your relationship with your MIL. I could never have mine in the room but I know people who rather be around their MIL than their own mom. If you are comfortable with her being there, go for it.

agkoz83 · September 2011

Personally...I'm a pretty private person...I didn't have anyone but DH in the delivery room while pushing...(this caused some drama with my mother, but in the end it was the right choice.) Anyways...I only need so many people looking up my "hoo haa." I'm not even comfortable with my mother looking up there. Don't get me wrong...I am very comfortable with my body...I just don't need everyone and their brother/sister/mother or MIL looking up it!

Do what you are comfortable with...ultimately it is your choice and whatever that decision everyone else needs to respect it!

gothgrrl · September 2011

Well, I say more power to you! If you feel comfortable with the idea of this small group of loved ones being in the room to advocate for you and welcome your second little one into this big world - then go for it!

I must admit - I am mortified by the idea of a vaginal delivery Ick! , so my plan is the fewer in the room the better....my husband is also well aware to ask for drugs for me at all times - LOL Stick out tongue . I guess he and I are pretty private people, and truthfully, I want no other person's reports or interpretations of the event brought to my ears - ever! Tongue Tied

If your mother and MIL get along - I imagine they will make a wonderful team for you - I wish you all the best! Yes

greengirl0909 · September 2011

For my first birth, I had DH, mom, and sister in the delivery room. I wouldn't be comfortable to MIL. DH has some of the same characteristics your DH has, he just goes with the flow. My sister was a labor and delivery nurse. When I had been in labor 24 hours they started talking c-section and ordered pitocin to speed things up. I was really nervous and exhausted and finally chose to have an epidural to try and get some rest. My sister was the one who stayed with me for the epidrual. Once I started pushing, DH and mom both took a leg and my sister ran the video camera. I think if you want those support people in your room, then so be it. It really made a difference to me.

nonoemily · September 2011

Personally, I get along with my MIL a whole lot better than my own mother, so I don't see anything wrong with you including anyone you wish. You can always kick 'em out again if it gets too intense for you, but I bet you know what you like and you'll be just fine.

Good for you for wanting a natural birth! I hope everything goes smoothly and I wish you the best!

Jillibean85 · September 2011

It's funny how you plan things out in your mind but they completely change... Originally it was only gonna be my husband in the room but my water broke the night before my Mom was scheduled to leave town, so she ended up in the room too... Both of them were good about being supportive and helpful but not overbearing or stressing me out. So it would depend on all the personalities in the room... Also i planned on getting an epidural but it ended up i dilated to an 8 so quickly that it was "too late" as i was about to begin pushing soon... so i felt every bit of the 9 lb 5 oz baby girl that came out! I don't regret it as I'm proud i was able to get through the process of it naturally, but God help me i pray i get an epidural this time around because it maks me nervous thinking about doing that twice... esspecially if the 2nd baby is bigger than the first as most people say! GL to you, I think when it comes down to it everything will fall together and just work out how it does, i doubt you'll be stressing about who is and isn't in the room when you those contractions start hitting hard.. =0)

TucktheTurtle · September 2011

Thanks for all the replies! I talked with my husband last night and he thinks it's probably a good idea to have them there, and like someone said, I can always kick them out if I have to.

I'm certainly not superwoman for wanting a med-free birth. I had an epidural with my first, but it stopped working on the right side of my body, so I felt half of everything from about 8 cm to birth. It pissed me off that I took on all the risks of an epidural and didn't get the real benefit of it, so I'm passing this time.

I'll talk to them in the next few days and see what they think. I'm sure they'll do whatever I want, though.

sapphirebride06 · September 2011

I hope it works out that my mom can be in the room with us again, and H agrees. She was amazing with my labor/delivery with my son - I had back labor and she massaged and pushed and put all of her body into it and never stopped. H is a weenie and needed to sit down during delivery and used my oxygen so I was glad my mom was there and strong!

I'd never in a million gillion years have my MIL there. We aren't close and it is H's idea to not call her until after the baby is born. We have no desire to have her in the room or even at the hospital at all. Thankfully H knows how nuts his family is so it isn't an argument at all - he said they won't know until he calls them and that's it! I am going to turn off my FB wall I think so people can't comment on my wall. I will text some people to say I'm in labor - like my 2 best friends - but I don't want anything on FB so I need to figure out how to turn off the opportunity for comments so nobody slips up!

ryry1977 · September 2011

I had a med free birth and was induced (water broke, but contractions never started). I only had DH (so no help there), but I would of loved to have someone else in the room. If just for giving me massages for my lower back. DH was great to hang on, but bad a rubbing hard on my back! Not sure if I would want my moms but if that is what works for you that is great. My nurses knew I didn't want drugs and didn't push them. So I was lucky there.

JhawkCE · September 2011

I will ignore the yuck factor of the whole idea because obviously it's not an issue for you and focus on the other issues:

1. Too many cooks in the kitchen my friend. Some hospitals won't even allow that many people in the room during labor. You are in labor not running a marathon so you need to be focused on what your physician is telling you not the crowd in the background. I had My husband, the Dr. and 2 nurses. Having 4 people in there was confusing enough. I can't imagine trying to focus on anymore direction or comments than that. Plus if things happen (and they did with my son). Other non medical professionals who are emotionally invested in the outcome don't need to be in the room. Less than one min. after I delivered there were 10 additional people in the room working on my him. That's a lot of confusion.

2. If you go in and specifically tell them you do not want to be offered anything at any time and make it clear that everyone coming into the room needs to know that then they should leave you alone. They really don't care either way (unless you're screaming is disrupting the other patients).

3. Give the old DH the benefit of the doubt. I am a longtime athlete and actually do really well with people barking orders and being stern with me. SOOOOOO not my husband (at least with me). My old roommate who was my coxswain in college offered to give him lessons before the labor. I wasn't expecting much from him, but he did great. I told him going in that I didn't need encouragement or sympathy I needed to be told what to do. That's exactly what he and my Dr. did.

KellyC703 · September 2011

Anna.Marie:
I would LOVE my mother to be in the room. However, if she is my DH will want his mother there and she would just stress me out. The women drives me crazy at the best of times.

This exactly. I would love for my mom to be there. But I don't want MIL in there AT ALL during labor/pushing. And DH will think that is unfair, even tho I am the one pushing the baby from my body and should be calling the shots

jf198400 · September 2011

I had DH and my mom with me when I had DD. I didn't feel bad at all about not having MIL there. We are very close and have a great relationship, but she is not my mom. However if you feel comfortable with having your MIL there and you want her there and she gets along with your mom, then go for it. Check your hospital's policies though, most will only allow 2 people with you in L&D. However I think most nurses are understanding of what you want, and may look the other way as long as noone is causing trouble.

salsa_wifey · September 2011

Sounds to me like you know what you want already. My thought is, if you are comfortable having them and they want to be there - have them!

My BFF had a room full of people, including me. She wante to share the experience.

lostaspen · September 2011

I don't get along or like my MIL, and wouldn't in a million years want her in my delivery room! For DS she showed up at the hospital after we told her not to come. She adds a huge amount of stress and tension to a room! But I know everyone has a different relationship with their MIL.

Can you tell your MIL that you're limited to the number of people you have during delivery? It makes sense since they usually bring in more nurses, pedi, midwife, dr, etc.

fool4babe · September 2011

I will have my Mom there- her and my sister where there for my first and will be again. I will also be having my fianc? and my 9 year old DD. My midwife is open to how ever many people I want there. I don't think I'd want my MIL there and would not let her or my fianc? make me feel pressured to or bad about not wanting her there. If you do have a good relationship with your MIL then I say go for it. I don't think having more people in the room was a distraction whatsoever.

sbost0118 · September 2011

KellyC703:
Anna.Marie:

I would LOVE my mother to be in the room. However, if she is my DH will want his mother there and she would just stress me out. The women drives me crazy at the best of times.

This exactly. I would love for my mom to be there. But I don't want MIL in there AT ALL during labor/pushing. And DH will think that is unfair, even tho I am the one pushing the baby from my body and should be calling the shots

It's your hooha exposed pushing out the baby. You are the ONLY person that gets a say on who is in the delivery room. Even your husband is only allowed as long as you want him there. I would think any MIL in the world would understand why you might invite your own mother but not an in-law. If not, it's really her problem to deal with. It's your game - everyone else has to play by your rules.

JessieJH · September 2011

SeptemberBride'08:

First off you are not crazy for wanting a natural birth. Women have been doing it medication free for thousands of years!

Yes Good for you by the way- I am sure you will have a great natural birth. You may want to check out the natural birth borad for more support on that option. It's the direction I'm taking as well and that board has been informative and supportive!

I would actually prefer that neither mom be in the room with us, but if I had to pick one it would be my MIL who is way more level-headed than my own mom. I would just pick the person you know will be most supportive and of use to you and boot the others out. I'm sure you can explain it to them. Be sure to have a good birth plan written up on what you want or don't and share that with the staff as well as your Mom or MIl if they are there to carry out your wishes.

tqsbride · September 2011

Props to you for deciding to go drug free for your baby. I had an epidural for the first and didn't have any sensation on the right side of my body for nearly 24 hours after I delivered DS. I nearly fell twice getting out of the hospital bed and attempting to walk to the bathroom with my deadened right leg. I'm also considering a low-intervention delivery too.

Both sets of mothers for me wouldn't offer a comforting presence--my mom would be absolutely no help at all--she's more of a hand wringer and definitely not my first choice for someone to take charge for any kind of emergency. My MIL, would be very supportive but I also think slightly nervous. If you have a great relationship with both moms, I say go for it!

Annya26 · September 2011

Personally I think that if you all have good relationships then it would be an awesome experience to have them both there.

Good luck!

cathom7 · September 2011

If that's what you want, then go for it! I had my sis as my eyes and ears and advocate. And you had no problems booting people last time, so why not give it a shot? And if it gets to be too much, ask people to leave. No problem. I think it's crazy the other way- all alone with DH?! Dude has to pee and eat SOMEtimes! I was a "doula" for one of my friends. It is REALLY REALLY helpful to have someone else in there. Bc then, if someone needs to take a break or something(in order to keep strong for you), then you're not alone.