SS growing more affectionate
twinkl5379
member
SS is 9 and as of lately it seems that he's becoming more affectionate to H. I've noticed that he seems to want to sit right beside him or on his lap on the couch. Then even more noticeable we were out recently with several of their cousins.
All the kids were walking together, playing together. But SS was walking with me and H (of course next to H, not me) rather than the kids. H and I had been holding hands, then once we stopped SS was holding H's hand and arm for quite some time.
It was just surprising that rather than wanting to be with the other 3 kids, he was clingy to H.
I'm just curious if there's maybe an age issue where he wants to be with his dad more or if he feels left out b/c H is affectionate to me? I don't know...and I don't think this is a bad thing, just curious what's prompted the change or if kids go through something at this age.
Any thoughts?
Re: SS growing more affectionate
Sounds awesome - SS (8) has been getting more like this with both H and me... I think he is beginning to realize some of the BS his mother is feeding him and realizing that what dad says happens and what mom says is a fairy tale...
I was worried she had brainwashed him so much because he was a very clingy mama's boy combined with parental alientation...
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Given he is Autistic (whether he has a mild form or not) no matter WHAT the cause, this is a good thing and SHOULD BE ENCOURAGED and ASSISTED by your DH and You.
While just like "normal" (using quotes people, no sign of disrespect, just clarification) childre, autistic children have different personalities. Some show affection, some are over affectionate since they do not understand social cues and some shun affection.
However, a son going from no affection to some affection for a parent he rarely sees is a good thing. Even if it is out of jealousy, your DH can use it for good.
I would suggest two things:
First, if you or your DH have questions on behavior changes, CALL THE THERAPISTS. Find out what they think, as well as what they suggest to do to work with the new behaviors, IF (and I stress if) this is caused by jealousy.
Second, and this is not snark, but what exactly are your forms of affection? I DO believe that a married couple should be able to have a couple only hug, a quick kiss every now and again, and even holding hands. Its a great ROLE to model.
But if your time with each other outwieghs the amount of affection that DH displays the each kid (yes, the amount needs to be equal in thirds), then maybe pull back a bit.
The whole point is to raise the kids to be responsible, well adjusted adults. That means you think of their feelings first (not act on their feelings first). And in this case, with a child who has developmental issues, his needs during visitation should come first so you can get him to his potential as soon as possible.
God knows, there are times where I put DH and myself on the backburner for DD, like her sleeping / potty training issues. DD gets up every night at 3:30 am because her bladder is full. I could let her pee in her pull ups or use the little potty in her room or let her cry herself back to sleep. That is what would be best for DH and My sleep patterns.
But instead, I get up, take her to the bathroom and lay down with her to get her back to sleep. Will I do this forever, no...but right now that is what is working while we train a semi-asleep 2 yo.
I think it might be an age thing as I have been noticing this more lately with my SS who is also 9.
He was always very affectionate with both DH and I but lately he is initiating it more. If Dh is sitting on the sofa SS will lean in and put his head on his shoulder or hold his hand or practically sit on top of him.
I think he also has more empathy for DH lol.
It has always kinda been SS and I against DH. As in we will pick a movie and DH will want some action rubbish and SS and I pull the two against one card. But lately I feel that SS 'feels sorry' for DH. DH will say something like 'thats not fair, I never get what I want' jokingly, before SS would have told him tough luck but lately he is backtracking a little and wanting to throw DH and a life line. Last weekend he really did not want to watch what DH did but he stayed neutral and said he didn't mind if DH got his way.
It's maturity I suppose.
This is all at home though because at football practice he told me I am not allowed to hug or kiss him goodbye. I can say goodbye I love you but from a distance and under my breath lol.
Dh and I are also very affectionate and SS has been telling us to 'give it a break' lol. However I think that he has learned from us that being openly affectionate is totally acceptable which I am proud of.
BM is also very affectionate with him BUT he would not see the open affection at her house because she has never really dated anyone.
When we watch a movie its a big pile up on the sofa but I have definitely noticed that SS has been learning on DH more than me lately and that is new.
My SS (8) has been getting closer and closer to DH for the past year. We have been lokoing forward to this.
There may be other factors involved - but we were told by a counselor before that children start gravitating towards their same-sex parent around the age of 8 - 10. This is the natural course for any child to take.
According to the counselor we spoke to children are usually closer bonded to their primary caretaker (usually Mom) before that point because they rely so heavily on their care-taker.
I can tell you that for us - it has been wonderful. SS always wants to be with us and has really become so much closer to DH - it is nice.
This is the other child, NOT the autistic one.
Interesting that it sounds like it's going on with other kids this same age. It's sad that my Skids only get to see their same-sex parent a few days a month.
Phantom, that's great that your SS is affectionate to you. Mine are nowhere near affectionate to me...this is all toward H.
B/c it's only them and not me, I think H feels overwhelmed with how to balance it all and not leave anyone out. But I guess that's his struggle with a BF.
Well I've been tucking him in and giving him hugs and kisses since he was 5 so I think he would find it abnormal for me to stop now. I guess I put in the foot work when he was small and now it is second nature to us.
Unfortunately the older they get the harder it becomes.