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Please Give Advice

Olive2010Olive2010
in Single Parents

So I am a regular on here but for the sake of privacy I have created a new name. Anyways I have been married for 4 years and we have a 1 year old child. My husband has a long history of alcohol/drug abuse. He went through rehab, marriage couseling. Was clean and things were great. We decided to have a child. About 1 year ago he got a new job. He met a single guy there and fast forward talks to this guy all the time. I cannot prove he is doing drugs but I have my suspicions. He is certainly drinking again. At the end of Feb I started tracking when he does not come home, which is 2 times a week on average. One of them being tonight. Last time was Wednesday. I am now ready for a divorce. Financially is another issue.

I want him to have limited exposure to our child. He is not reliable and I have again suspicions when I work the weekends he drinking with her present. Not to the point that he is wasted but again could be impairing his judgement.

I can hopefully have my proof for neglect from credit card transations made late at night. I would hope the credit card company could supply me with exact time of the transaction with a detail of what was purchased.

 As for paying for all of this, getting things going, finding a lawyer, etc. I have no clue where to start. How to find someone I like and trust. What are some of the first steps to take? Anything to guide me would be appreciated.

 Thanks ladies

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Re: Please Give Advice

  • sundevil31rnsundevil31rn

    I certainly understand where u are coming from! I was in the same position, minus having a kid.But I was in nursing school, and only working VERY part time. Here are some things I did that seemed to work well.

    -open a post office box, and have all your imortant mail sent there.-Make phot copies of everything, bank accts, loan docs, mtg papers, CC's. anyhing that you have jointly. Have a bank acct/CC in your name only.You do not need an atty, tho they do come in handy,esp since u have a kid. I would suggest looking in your community court system, sometimes they have atty's that wiill work for free/cheap. You can file yourself, it is relatively easy, and not that expensive. An instead of hiring an atty, you can consult with one for an hourly fee.'You can demand counseling/rehab, but he has to want to do it for himself before he will change...

    Good Luck, ~C

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  • kmartinez80kmartinez80 member
    imageOlive2010:

    I want him to have limited exposure to our child. He is not reliable and I have again suspicions when I work the weekends he drinking with her present. Not to the point that he is wasted but again could be impairing his judgement.

    I can hopefully have my proof for neglect from credit card transations made late at night. I would hope the credit card company could supply me with exact time of the transaction with a detail of what was purchased.

    I hate to burst your bubble, but him going out at night a couple of times a week and drinking is not neglect and a judge is likely not going to see it that way.  If you're concerned about him drinking while caring for LO then you can have it written into the CO that the parent is not to consume alcohol or be intoxicated while LO is in their care.  Keep in mind that the same will likely go for you.

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  • khagan9368khagan9368 member

    I will only speak to the part I know about here.  Someone with a history of drug and alcohol abuse will never "learn to drink normally".  98% of the time it will lead them straight back into drugs and even if it doesn't the alcohol will eventually take back over.  If he went through rehab this drinking and or whatever else he's doing is a relapse.  That should be reason enough to get the hell outta dodge.

    Good luck.

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  • Olive2010Olive2010
    imagekmartinez80:
    imageOlive2010:

    I want him to have limited exposure to our child. He is not reliable and I have again suspicions when I work the weekends he drinking with her present. Not to the point that he is wasted but again could be impairing his judgement.

    I can hopefully have my proof for neglect from credit card transations made late at night. I would hope the credit card company could supply me with exact time of the transaction with a detail of what was purchased.

    I hate to burst your bubble, but him going out at night a couple of times a week and drinking is not neglect and a judge is likely not going to see it that way.  If you're concerned about him drinking while caring for LO then you can have it written into the CO that the parent is not to consume alcohol or be intoxicated while LO is in their care.  Keep in mind that the same will likely go for you.

     I havent drank anything at all for 3-4 years. No concerned at all. But why is NOT coming home, regardless of why or what the person is doing not considered neglect? He is not feeding her, playing with her, bathing, putting to bed. Cleaning her laundry, etc etc etc. "

    1. The husband?s willful failure to provide for support of his family and wife if he is able to provide for such support and maintenance

    We are on night #4 this week where he has not put his child to bed. Or helped take care of her. That is lack of support.

    Oh well I am sure a lawyer can set me straight.

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  • kmartinez80kmartinez80 member
    imageOlive2010:
    imagekmartinez80:
    imageOlive2010:

    I want him to have limited exposure to our child. He is not reliable and I have again suspicions when I work the weekends he drinking with her present. Not to the point that he is wasted but again could be impairing his judgement.

    I can hopefully have my proof for neglect from credit card transations made late at night. I would hope the credit card company could supply me with exact time of the transaction with a detail of what was purchased.

    I hate to burst your bubble, but him going out at night a couple of times a week and drinking is not neglect and a judge is likely not going to see it that way.  If you're concerned about him drinking while caring for LO then you can have it written into the CO that the parent is not to consume alcohol or be intoxicated while LO is in their care.  Keep in mind that the same will likely go for you.

     I havent drank anything at all for 3-4 years. No concerned at all. But why is NOT coming home, regardless of why or what the person is doing not considered neglect? He is not feeding her, playing with her, bathing, putting to bed. Cleaning her laundry, etc etc etc. "

    1. The husband?s willful failure to provide for support of his family and wife if he is able to provide for such support and maintenance

    We are on night #4 this week where he has not put his child to bed. Or helped take care of her. That is lack of support.

    Oh well I am sure a lawyer can set me straight.

    I'm not defending your husband's actions; I'm just trying to let you know that a judge may not see your evidence as neglect.  I'm sorry that your H is not helping you with your LO; I agree that makes him a sh!tty parent, but I don't think it classifies as neglect from what you've written.  Also, the fact that he doesn't help you take care of LO is just going to be your word against his in court and judges have a hard time ruling on "he said, she said" type of stuff.  A lot of false accusations can be thrown around during divorces, so judges can be hesitant to take what the two people have to say at face value.

    I suggest you definitely meet with a lawyer and begin documenting everything.  I wish you the best of luck and am truly sorry for your situation.  Good luck! 

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  • Temp552270562505132Temp552270562505132

    FYI- judges are seriously hesitant to pull custody from  one parent or the other.  Just because he drinks/parties, does not mean he will lose custody or visitation. 

     

    Think very hard and very carefully before you  make these accusations in court.  It looks really bad unless you have proof- my ex tried to say i smoked marijuana, but it only made him look like a major jacka$$ in court and the judge actually yelled at him for making a false accusation.  My ex had documented police reports from DV incidents where he was inebriated and they still did not pull visitation.  Even fathers who kill the moms still have visitation!

    You can have a stipulation in the custody agreement that he must not drink or use drugs while caring for LO.  They put that in our agreement because of the police reports and pending DV case.    

    Here's some advice also: always always be the one to make any effort possible to co-parent amicably.  even if you hate his guts.  always say nice things to your LO about him, etc.  Alientation of parental affection is a reason why some people COULD lose custody, and you don't want to be that person.  Ever.  Judges HATE that, also.  

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  • dragontears507dragontears507 member
    Sorry to say, but I have a law degree and they're right. The fact that he hasn't been helping you at home is irrelevant (unfortunately). It doesn't legally qualify as neglect. His drinking/drug use may result in a judge requiring rehab before visitation is allowed but it is very hard to prove that there is enough reason to prohibit parental visitation, especially due to the fact that there is no abuse, just lazy parenting.
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