To have another or not?

kelliwill · September 2011

DH and I have 21 month old spontaneous twin girls. We are now in the phase of trying to decide if we will try for #3 or not. We are both 35 & we wanted to decide by the time the girls are 2. I feel like I keep flip flopping. One day I totally want another baby and whenever I see a baby or hear about a pregnancy I really want that again. But then I worry about financial issues and if we have enough energy for 3. Uggg....I know it's totally a personal decision but I'd love to hear what others think, esp. if you have 3 or will have 3 or stuck with one or two and why. TIA!

BrideBuddies · September 2011

Before you had any kids, did you worry about money? If you had 5 kids, would you worry about money? Pretty sure we all know the answer to that.

If you're like any other normal family, there is never enough money (in your mind, anyway). People who barely make ends meet somehow find a way to raise their kids. Don't let that be an overriding factor to talk yourself out of it.

As for the energy, you're ONLY 35!! Don't put yourself in the rocking chair just yet!

Pesky · September 2011

We originally said we would have 3 but changed to being done with two. Not that our two are so difficult -- quite the contrary actually. Honestly, for me, it was more a question of feeling done. Sure there is the financial stress, the "is there enough parent to go around?", man to man to zone, etc. but it really boiled down to our family feeling complete. I didn't feel like it was missing another one, that there was a baby out there for us to have. So if you are desiring that and keep thinking about it, maybe that is your answer.

KKMMex · September 2011

We are two and through. I agree it's very much a personal decision. You're wise to be thinking and planning because I think family size and child spacing are important decisions.

I SAH and while I enjoyed having two close in age, I still have a low tolerance for chaos. I knew I could manage two well but felt that three would stretch me thin, physically emotionally and mentally. My age was a factor also. I was 41 when DD2 was born and I felt I'd already pushed the envelope!

Once younger DD was 3 and we ditched all her nursery furniture and changed her room into a "big girl" room, I felt such a sense of relief. That's when I knew we'd made the right decision. I just didn't want to go back. I love the ages my children are and I have no desire to return to the baby/toddler stage. AT ALL. Onward and upward and no regrets.

kikijbunny · September 2011

We are considering trying for #2 and at the moment are firmly undecided. Or rather, in theory we'd like a second child but not sure if we have enough energy or finances, or if my body can take it (had some issues in pregnancy #1). I think I'd be happier in the end if we at least tried.

One other thought for your bonnet, what if you had another set of twins??? Not saying this to discourage you (could be quite a neat family), but you only stated considering having a third.

Best of luck with your decision. My vote: go for it.

kelliwill · September 2011

Thank you ladies so much. I totally go back and forth. I agree that finances should be the reason NOT to, but I also feel that I want to be abel to financially do the things we want with our girls. Our twins are spon. ID and we were told another set of twins would be like winning the lotto, the chances anyway. I go to the Dr next Monday and we'll see then if we've decided to take the Mirena out or not. I really appreciate your feedback.

stever · September 2011

Financial issues are a biggy. I agree that at 35 you're still a young'un, but 3 kids is a HUGE financial burden. I say that as someone who's financially secure but still hyperventilating about the cost if we're lucky enough to have a 2nd.

Good luck with your decision.

kelliwill · September 2011

Thanks you Stever. DH is the saver and Im the spender so he's more worried than me. But it is big. I never wanted to say to any of my kids, no you can't do ballet/soccer/whatever b/c we can't afford it. Not that we would be in that situation, but I just know that we would be better off financially with two rather then three....simple math.

gimmietimmies · September 2011

Ditto what stever, bridebuddies and pesky said. You'll figure out what works for you. If it's any consolation, my kids have extra curricular and haven't missed out yet. What I pay in childcare will beyond cover their sports/dance, etc, savings, vehicles, vacation, etc once the younger 3 are out of care, and I can actually see the end of that tunnel. Yes, there are some things we've done without, but nothing major.

Good luck either way, three isn't so bad.

ETA: They aren't 2 yet and you're still young, don't panic yet! I actually like the 5 year gap between L and T...the 2 year gap at the back end...wish it were 3!

newbee36 · September 2011

I am torturing my brain with this question over and over again. Honestly, we have not discussed this with my DH just yet, since I had my DS 2 1/2 months ago, and he was delivered via c-section. Personally I am leaning more towards being done. The biggest reason is that both of us, me and DH are still students. Rare case at this age, I know, but we are hoping to be done with our PhD's in about 2 years. So ultimately, it is a financial reason not to plan #2 now. But there are moments when I feel bad about I. He might want a sibling later in his life. I know how much I appreciate having a sister! Who knows..maybe we will be crazy lucky in 2-3 years to find good jobs and open room for #2! Deep inside, I hope for it I guess....

newbee36 · September 2011

I am torturing my brain with this question over and over again. Honestly, we have not discussed this with my DH just yet, since I had my DS 2 1/2 months ago, and he was delivered via c-section. Personally I am leaning more towards being done. The biggest reason is that both of us, me and DH are still students. Rare case at this age, I know, but we are hoping to be done with our PhD's in about 2 years. So ultimately, it is a financial reason not to plan #2 now. But there are moments when I feel bad about I. He might want a sibling later in his life. I know how much I appreciate having a sister! Who knows..maybe we will be crazy lucky in 2-3 years to find good jobs and open room for #2! Deep inside, I am hoping for it I guess....

gimmietimmies · September 2011

newbee36:

I am torturing my brain with this question over and over again. Honestly, we have not discussed this with my DH just yet, since I had my DS 2 1/2 months ago, and he was delivered via c-section. Personally I am leaning more towards being done. The biggest reason is that both of us, me and DH are still students. Rare case at this age, I know, but we are hoping to be done with our PhD's in about 2 years. So ultimately, it is a financial reason not to plan #2 now. But there are moments when I feel bad about I. He might want a sibling later in his life. I know how much I appreciate having a sister! Who knows..maybe we will be crazy lucky in 2-3 years to find good jobs and open room for #2! Deep inside, I am hoping for it I guess....

You're lo is still young. After our first we weren't ready to decide about #2 for a while. Same thing with #3. And FWIW, I should throw in that DH has had quite a lot of schooling thrown in too. I'm going to do some more post secondary after K is in grade one, outside of work hours. It depends how busy you can handle being. I realize that PhD programs are expensive, but it is relative to how much we've put out financially for our education as well. And the end rewards financially are worth it.

I hope that you are able to wait to decide, if finances due to school are the only roadblock. If you are one and done by then, at least you'll feel more comfortable about it.

NewMrs07 · September 2011

BrideBuddies:
Before you had any kids, did you worry about money? If you had 5 kids, would you worry about money? Pretty sure we all know the answer to that.

If you're like any other normal family, there is never enough money (in your mind, anyway). People who barely make ends meet somehow find a way to raise their kids. Don't let that be an overriding factor to talk yourself out of it.

As for the energy, you're ONLY 35!! Don't put yourself in the rocking chair just yet!

Ditto!!

newbee36 · September 2011

gimmietimmies:
newbee36:

I am torturing my brain with this question over and over again. Honestly, we have not discussed this with my DH just yet, since I had my DS 2 1/2 months ago, and he was delivered via c-section. Personally I am leaning more towards being done. The biggest reason is that both of us, me and DH are still students. Rare case at this age, I know, but we are hoping to be done with our PhD's in about 2 years. So ultimately, it is a financial reason not to plan #2 now. But there are moments when I feel bad about I. He might want a sibling later in his life. I know how much I appreciate having a sister! Who knows..maybe we will be crazy lucky in 2-3 years to find good jobs and open room for #2! Deep inside, I am hoping for it I guess....
You're lo is still young. After our first we weren't ready to decide about #2 for a while. Same thing with #3. And FWIW, I should throw in that DH has had quite a lot of schooling thrown in too. I'm going to do some more post secondary after K is in grade one, outside of work hours. It depends how busy you can handle being. I realize that PhD programs are expensive, but it is relative to how much we've put out financially for our education as well. And the end rewards financially are worth it.
I hope that you are able to wait to decide, if finances due to school are the only roadblock. If you are one and done by then, at least you'll feel more comfortable about it.

School is a financial issue not because we are paying for it, but because we still don't have real jobs. Currently we both work as research assistants (half time) and the money we are getting is enough for now. I am just afraid of not finding a job right after we graduate. But, like you said I am not that old yet. We can wait for a while and see where we at in 2-3 years. I really hope that all this work will be rewarding.

gimmietimmies · September 2011

newbee36:
gimmietimmies:
newbee36:

I am torturing my brain with this question over and over again. Honestly, we have not discussed this with my DH just yet, since I had my DS 2 1/2 months ago, and he was delivered via c-section. Personally I am leaning more towards being done. The biggest reason is that both of us, me and DH are still students. Rare case at this age, I know, but we are hoping to be done with our PhD's in about 2 years. So ultimately, it is a financial reason not to plan #2 now. But there are moments when I feel bad about I. He might want a sibling later in his life. I know how much I appreciate having a sister! Who knows..maybe we will be crazy lucky in 2-3 years to find good jobs and open room for #2! Deep inside, I am hoping for it I guess....

You're lo is still young. After our first we weren't ready to decide about #2 for a while. Same thing with #3. And FWIW, I should throw in that DH has had quite a lot of schooling thrown in too. I'm going to do some more post secondary after K is in grade one, outside of work hours. It depends how busy you can handle being. I realize that PhD programs are expensive, but it is relative to how much we've put out financially for our education as well. And the end rewards financially are worth it.

I hope that you are able to wait to decide, if finances due to school are the only roadblock. If you are one and done by then, at least you'll feel more comfortable about it.

School is a financial issue not because we are paying for it, but because we still don't have real jobs. Currently we both work as research assistants (half time) and the money we are getting is enough for now. I am just afraid of not finding a job right after we graduate. But, like you said I am not that old yet. We can wait for a while and see where we at in 2-3 years. I really hope that all this work will be rewarding.

I feel the pain on the half time thing. DH was going to school full time and I was working at the time when L was little, it was tough, but managable. Keep your contacts, network and be positive. I bet it will all be worth it in the end and you can breathe easy. If you feel down, come back here, we'll give you a boost!

kelliwill · September 2011

newbee 36, I have my PhD so I totally understand the school thing. I went to school right after my BA and got my MA and then kept going. That was hard enough I can't imagine if I had kids then, so bless you!! I am still on the fence....we need to discuss further I guess! I wish I had a crystal ball!

LauraLynneC · October 2011

The way I think about it (and I'm still on the fence...) is what would I regret more? I've never regretted any of my children and finacially everyone makes do - sometimes with less, sometimes with more. I think we're done. But we're still hesitant to make that decision 100%. (my doc asked me on the WAY to my emergency C-section if I wanted my tubes tied while she was in there...Um...I blurted "NO!!" and in thinking back it's rather an awkward time to ask that...but my initial, from the heart reaction is what got me thinking about more)

kelliwill · October 2011

They asked me too.....which I thought was nuts! Maybe it's standard question. After our first long road trip to Oregon this weekend and the madness we endured I can honestly say I don't know if we can handle another baby. I hate to admit it, but I'm really not sure. Makes me sad, but it's true.

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