Anyone deal with an ill parent?

browneyedgrl4282 · September 2011

My father is not doing well at all. Back in April they did a cat scan and found a mass on his lung, which they weren't sure what it was but treated it him for pneumonia but wanted a repeat cat scan in 4 to 6 months. At this point it was noted that my father had lost about 50lbs since his last check up in the fall of 2010. Fast forward to last week when he had his repeat CT and the mass is larger now they believe it was infact not pneumonia that it could be something else. One thing mentioned was cancer. His PCP and cardiologist (had less then 20% function of his heart due and has under gone 3 open hearts in the last 11 years) are concerned and want to more test and send me to a few other specialist. He is down right refusing all! THe PCP told him over the summer if things don't change he would be luck to live another 6 months, 12 months tops.

He is now unable to walk without a walker, last spring he was walking around with nothing. Most of the time he is too weak to walk with the walker. He had fallen a many times now just trying to get out of bed or the chair. I spend the other day cleaning up after him because he is losing control of his bodily functions. Put this way the bathroom from where he was maybe 20 feet away. I thought cleaning up poopy diapers was bad.

I wish there was a way I could get him to agree to do the testing so we knew what we were dealing with!

I am terrified I am going to find him dead on the floor when I walk into their house or get that phone call that he didn't wake up in the morning. I feel like we are too young (my sisters are 23 & 21 and I am 29) to being dealing with this but my father is old enough to be our grandfather!

naflmj · September 2011

I don't have any experience but I just wanted to let you know I have been thinking of you. I can't imagine dealing with all you have on your plate right now. (((HUGS)))

alex04 · September 2011

I'm so sorry! My mom passed away 6 yrs ago from breast cancer (that caused a brain tumor) and her last couple of months were like that. i am an hour away so i wasn't doing the day-to-day care but it's still so hard! my dad is now 87 (the same age as DH's grandfather) so i know what you mean. he just moved into an assisted living facility b/c he couldn't completely take care of himself. mostly it was issues with cleaning the house.

do you think they could get a nurse's aid to come help (that would make things easier for you)...i'm sorry that he won't go in for more testing. it's insane how stubborn parents can be (my dad was forced to move...like lawyers involved). if you want to talk, pm me.

SunMoon&Stars · September 2011

Oh, man, do I feel for you. My MIL has 1.5 to 6 mos (depending on which doctor you talk to) to live. She was diagnosed with cancer two years ago and refused chemo. She had surgery then, but we found out it came back when I was 39 weeks.

Then there's my father, who has several chronic issues and can barely get around now.

It's hard. It's really, really hard {{{{{ hugs }}}}}}

artygirl · September 2011

I'm sorry that your dad is ill and I can only imagine how difficult it is to help care for him while caring for your children.

Both my dad and my stepdad have/had cancer. Deciding on whether or not to pursue treatment and how much treatment you are willing to undergo is such a personal decision.

If I were in your shoes, I think I would do the following: I would make the appropriate appointment for my Dad and then I would sit down with him and have a heart-to-heart explaining to him that I don't want to see him ill, I don't want him to die, I want my grandkids to be able to have a memory of who their granddad is, etc and I would ask him to go to the appointment I made. If need be, I might get a little ugly and remind him how quickly he is going downhill. Ultimately, it is his decision, but maybe he just needs to be prodded in the right direction.

beebe929 · September 2011

artygirl:

I'm sorry that your dad is ill and I can only imagine how difficult it is to help care for him while caring for your children.

Both my dad and my stepdad have/had cancer. Deciding on whether or not to pursue treatment and how much treatment you are willing to undergo is such a personal decision.

If I were in your shoes, I think I would do the following: I would make the appropriate appointment for my Dad and then I would sit down with him and have a heart-to-heart explaining to him that I don't want to see him ill, I don't want him to die, I want my grandkids to be able to have a memory of who their granddad is, etc and I would ask him to go to the appointment I made. If need be, I might get a little ugly and remind him how quickly he is going downhill. Ultimately, it is his decision, but maybe he just needs to be prodded in the right direction.

Good advice!

I am so very sorry you are dealing with this. Hang in there and take care of YOU too!

caityr · September 2011

Yes my dad was an older dad and was ill with Parkinsons for many years before he passed away 2 yrs ago. Some people just are phobic of doctors etc and do not want the treatment that would follow a confirmation of the issue, or worse, they do not want to get bad news. Is there an older relative who could possibly get thru to him and make him realize this is very taxing on you and your siblings? Maybe for his kids sake he would seek some help. So sorry you are dealing w this.

dundasgirl · September 2011

Both of my parents had cancer and died from it.

I wrote out a huge response but it will just be a huge downer to whoever reads it.

All I can say is respect your Dad's wishes...and if he does die, you will be happy that you did what he wanted. Encouraging him to go to the doctor is great and maybe he does just need a push. But if he knows what is happening and doesn't want treatment...you have to respect what he wants. There are programs available to help seniors who are ill and still in their homes. Hopefully he can get some help so you don't have to be his nurse.

Take care....having an ill parent sucks.

browneyedgrl4282 · September 2011

Thanks ladies! He has a follow up appointment next week with his PCP that I am taking him too! For some reason he only will let mother or me take him to the appointments. He refuses to let my other siblings do anything for him.

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