So, what to tell mom — The Bump
Childless not by choice

So, what to tell mom

Let me start by saying.

1- my Mother does not listen, she only talks or waits to talk while someone else is talking.

2- my Mother has no ability to empathize.

We have been to counseling and therapists regarding the issues,  so I am NOT LOOKING to change the above.

My father passed away a few years ago, he was my emotional support.

My mom lives 12 miles from us and we have good relationship, I see her often.

The issue, my mom has NO idea about our struggles with IF.  Because she could not be supportive their was no point to share any info regarding our IVF treatments.  My IL do know and were very involved and helpful.

Now what?  Do we just let it go?  She will eventuality fiq. out she is not going to have grandchildren.  When it comes up do we simply say, 'we can not have children' ?  This is such a big issue to have to avoid for the rest of our lives.

Any help would be appreciated.

Thank you.

Re: So, what to tell mom

  • Your first two sentences alone make it sound like your Mom probably doesn't need more than surface information or it may just make life more difficult for you going into explanations. 

    We are having similar issues as well. My Mother is the only one that has an idea of our struggles. My Dad and ILs have no clue.

    We're not planning to make any issues out of things or shed any light on it until/if it's ever necessary. We've been through enough.

    If it becomes a topic we will eventually say we can't have them or we've decided not to have them. It's no one's business and I don't care to rehash it all or indirectly invite questions.

    I think it can only lead to hurt feelings on all sides, because they will wonder why they weren't included (not sure why with IF others suddenly think it's open for commentary) and not knowing what to say will likely mean a flood of the "why don't you try XYZ" or other "helpful" info. You know when people mean well, but this isn't the place. 

    I know there's no simple answer to this. Hopefully you can find something that works for you. We think about it, but try not to deal with it until we have to. Good Luck and sorry that you have to worry about this.  

    (Live in Europe) TTC since 1/2010
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  • My situation is much different as my parents have known about our issues all along, so I don't know how helpful my advice will be here.

    I don't think you really owe her any information, but since you say that you see each other often, it might be kind of strange if you never talk to her about it. I probably wouldn't say anything, but if she brings it up, I would tell her the truth. I would just give her the quick answer and not tell her much else. If she keeps asking for additional information, just tell her you don't want to talk about it in depth.

    Sorry--I don't think my answer is very helpful, but I wanted to try since you weren't getting many responses. Good luck!

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  • I agree that giving too much info might result in hurt feelings that she wasn't in the loop during treatments. Not much more advice, just empathy. I wonder what it is about mothers that make them "wait to talk while someone is talking". That is the perfect way to describe it.
  • Thanks girls for your comments and support.

    I guess we feel like it is the 'elphant in the room'.  Every time she calls to tell that a relative is PG I hold my breath, I can not help but fear here it comes....

    As if it is not enough to have to deal with the rest of the world who ask, my mom is like the icing on the cake.

    I think that once she says something and we can get beyond it, with as little as possible details and hurt feels it will be a weight lifted off of us.


  • May I suggest having a sibling tell your mom first? This way your mom will know, but you can tell her on your own terms later on and she will be more mentally prepared to hear the news. Also, hopefully she won't ask you when you're planning on starting a family because she will know of your issues beforehand. Hope this helps. Even if your mom is not supportive, I think it's better to tell her early on so it's a weight off of your shoulders.
  • Thank you Linn-Tracy.  This suggestion is a good idea and may work for one of the lurkers here.  For me, it would not work as I do not have a sibling or anybody approp. to step into this role.   There are VERY few people that do know about our IF and I my mother had any idea that they know and she does not she would be angry and hurt.
  • It?s a better an idea to let her know from someone and then do tell her on your own. I know it?s not easy to tell parents about such things, but I believe that they shouldn?t make such a fuss of things. You guys are grown enough and are able to do loads of things, so it?s you two who have a right to take any decision. Rest all can only give suggestion, including parents.
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