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candr09
member
Update to yesterdays: snooping through DH's phone, etc.
candr09
member
Hey ladies. I just wanted to say thank you so much for the advice and support yesterday. It really helped me get through one of the hardest days of my life. I just wanted to give you an update. For details, read the following (long). For the shortest version ever, scroll to the bottom (conclusion). Thanks again.
I came home and asked to see his phone. He said it had been acting funny, but I had already grabbed it to look. Everything was wiped out. Not just the conversation with her, but every conversation, everything. So I told him that I already saw stuff this morning and he said I was making a big deal out of nothing. He said it was nothing, he was talking to a friend. I told him that what I saw was flirty, not friendly. He said it wasn't. This back and forth went on for a few minutes. Eventually he admitted that yes, some of it may have sounded flirty but thats not how he intended it. He said he would never do anything with her and referenced a particular text, he said "well did you see the text where she asked if I would hook up with her and my response was no I love my wife and would never let that happen". I didn't see that one. And since his phone is wiped I don't know if it even ever existed. I told him that was inappropriate and why would he even want to continue to "be friends" with someone who would say something like that to a married man?! He said that when he said no she said "good, perfect response" so basically it was like a trick question or something, which I don't believe, but whatever. In any case - he admitted that some of thier conversation and actions were inappropriate but he really wasn't trying to persue anything with her.
I have really mixed feelings. I mean I want him to have fun and socialize at work, and honestly, flirting is fun and flattering. I fully believe that she initiated the flirting, and having someone flirt with you is flattering, and I can see how he could flirt back without having horrible intentions. I'm not dismissing his behavior or saying that its okay, and I'm still really hurt by it and its something we need to continue talking about and I'm not going to just forget it... but IMO its not a deal breaker at this point.
However, this conversation led to a whole mess of other issues/conversations. DH told me that he doesn't feel the same way about me that he used to. I asked him if he still loved me and he said he didn't know. He said he didn't want to be married anymore. When I asked to any kind of explanation I got vague answers like "I don't know" - "everything" - "its not you, its me" - "I'm just confused" - "I don't know what I want" -etc. Basically no real answer of any kind. He said he doesn't want to do it anymore - but when I asked if he was leaving the house he said no. I asked him if he expected me to leave and he said no. So, that doesn't make any sense. He just kept saying he's confused, he's fed up with the fighting (we have been fighting a lot recently), and he doens't think we can ever get back what we once had, etc.
This came as a shock to me. I mean as I said we have been fighting more recently but not to the point of ending a marriage. I asked him if this had anything to do with this girl and he insisted that he didn't, that hes been feeling this way long before this issue. I asked him to go to counseling and he said no. He said it would just be a waste of time and money and he doesn't think it'll change anything, he doesn't think it'll change the way he feels. I told him that I was going, with or without him. I feel like my world is crumbling around me and I need help, I need to go. I told him that I thought he would benefit from it also, but that of course I couldn't and wouldn't force him to go if he didn't want to. I did tell him that I didn't think it was fair to just give up without exhausting every option of trying to make our marriage work - we owe each other and our children that much. He agreed to go.
Things are obviously still not good. He hasn't said "I love you" to me at all. After he went to bed last night I went out with a friend. She picked me up and we literally drove in circles around our town until 4am. I am SO grateful for her. She was a really good sounding board for me and I was able to express all my feelings and get it all out and she assured me that everything I was feeling was valid - which I needed to hear. I'm heart broken and I don't know what to do from here. Obviously I'm going to call a marriage counselor and try to get that set up... but what else do I do? Do I just go about my day to day life acting normal? I'm trying to be strong for DD but I'm just like... idk, idk what I'm supposed to do.
conclusion: Said flirting was nothing, just a friend, he would never do anything with her and his intentions weren't to be as flirty as he was. He admitted that some of it crossed the line and agreed to put stop to it. In a completely unrelated note he told me that he doesn't think he loves me anymore and doesn't want to be married anymore. I convinced him to try counseling, thats our next step. In the mean time I'm just trying to keep myself together.
Sorry that was insanely long. I havn't slept and my thoughts are just racing. Thanks again ladies.
and i thought i loved you then 
<a href="http://daisypath.com/">
Missed Miscarriage discovered at 9w6d
D&E 10.27.2011
I'll love you forever Baby Speck
<a href="http://daisypath.com/">
Missed Miscarriage discovered at 9w6d
D&E 10.27.2011
I'll love you forever Baby Speck
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Update to yesterdays: snooping through DH's phone, etc.
((hugs))
I am so, so sorry you're going through this. I think counseling sounds excellent, even if you're going by yourself. Stay strong, hun.
Omg..I'm so sorry. I really hope counseling helps! Try to be as strong as you can and get a good support group of friends/family to help you through it. Good luck!
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I was not on yesterday so this is the first I am reading of any of this. However, I do not think the two situations are unrelated at all. He may have said they are but from an outsider I cannot believe him. I do hope you guys either work this out with some counseling or you can move on before he actually has a full on affair. I am sorry to say, but I definitly see this heading that way.
I'm so sorry. I really am.
He wouldn't have deleted everything in his phone if it were innocent. If you two do split, I would not be at all surprised if he started dating this girl.
Go to counseling at least for yourself. It helps. It helped me when I was going through something similar. Supportive friends and family are a wonderful resource as well.
(creepy internet hugs)
The Nest/Bump sucks and won't let me change my location. I'm in Arkansas, not Florida.
THIS. If the other lady's not the reason he's iffy about whether he wants to be married, knowing he's got a back-up plan warm and waiting probably isn't helping the situation. I hope he'll go to counseling with you and take it to heart. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
so sorry, my dear. Sounds terribly, terribly stressful. Warm thoughts as you face this. Hang in there.
I'm so incredibly sorry that you're going through this. You said he "Basically no real answer of any kind." I disagree. I think he was VERY clear, both in his actions and his passive agressive way of telling you he's done. I dont know if he's physically cheated on you (yet), but if he hasnt (yet) he was going to and has already crossed the line with the texting.
I think he's just hoping that he wont have to be the one to do the work and leave. But that's what he needs to do, and you need to tell him so. Make copies of all important documents, open a new bank account in just your name and put half your money into it immediately. Call a few attorneys and find out what your next step is to protect yourself.
Counseling for both of you (and you alone) will be very helpful. Maybe he'll try to work this out with you if you want him to. Maybe not. I hope you can be happy with whatever the outcome is.
Again, I'm very sorry
This. Having the barista flirt with you while making your coffee is flattering and healthy. Flirting with someone that you have regular contact with, while it may be flattering, is not healthy for a marriage.The fact that all of his messages were completely erased seems to convenient to me. In one breath he says that he would never cheat on you, and in the next he wants out of the marriage and doesn't know if he loves you. It seems like he is trying to save face on his way out to me.
I really hope that marriage counseling helps and works for you guys. In order for it to work both parties have to want to save the relationship though. I was on his side of this with my ex-H, and it is hard to make those feelings exist if they truly don't. I never cheated on my ex-H because of the morality and guilt of it, but that was all that was really keeping me there. We didn't have children, so it was easy to walk away though.
((HUGS)) to you. Stay strong for your children, and I hope that your H is just in a rut. Be honest with yourself though and don't be a doormat.
All of this. Flirting is NOT healthy and fun when it's outside of your marriage. He is cheating on you, and I think part of you knows it. When you have kids and a spouse cheats, he is cheating on the whole family, not just you. If some exciting new relationship is worth more to him than, not only you, but his daughter and unborn child as well, maybe he's not the kind of person you want raising your children anyway. I hope he decides to turn his act around and work on the marriage with you. Either way, it's definitely a good idea for the sake of your kiddos to prepare financially in the event that you decide to leave, or if he ends up leaving you. I'm so sorry you're going through this right now.
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Okay, I have a slightly different perspective on things. One of my best friends was cheating on her husband, but I had no clue about it at the time. I knew they were having problems, but I thought she just wasn't happy. A LOT of the things she was saying sound like the things your husband said (not wanting to be married anymore, not being in love anymore, not wanting to go to counseling). A friend of my brother's had a wife who did the same kind of thing. She was also cheating on her husband. I could be wrong, but I'd say his flirting has gone beyond just flirting. I really hope counselling helps you guys and that he does indeed go with you! If not, go yourself.
Oh hon, I'm so sorry to hear this. I, like a couple of the other posters, have been married before. I never really was truly happy and it severely effected our relationship. There was no one outside the marriage the caused the unhappiness but it left me extremely vulnerable to outside relationships.
I don't think this other girl is causing him to want out, but maybe he is just unhappy and she is a symptom of his current state of mind. Whatever it is, I am so sorry you are going through this. You WILL make it out on the other end a better and stronger person.
::creepy hugs::
Wow. That really sucks. I don't know if you are religious or not but I have found that prayer works!!! I used to not believe it, but it DOES! And sometimes our prayers are answered in really weird ways so be patient. I will pray for you and your family. My husband and I hit a rough patch when our DD was 5 months. We started to realize our lives had changed and our relationship had changed as well.... It's tough I know... Again, I'm sorry and I know everything will work out.
Oh and one last thing... the fact that he erased everything is not normal.. It sounds like you know that.
"We like nothing better than buffing our Zygoma. And imagining a horny time traveling long overcoat purple scarf wearing super sleuth nordic legend fuck fantasy. Get to work on that, internet." Benedict Cumberbatch
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I'm so sorry...
IMO his comments are bull. He conveniently erased everything and made it sound like it was her that initiated it. Furthermore, everything he says about he doesn't know if he feels the same way about you but doesn't want to go to counseling, doesn't want to make any changes...to me, it's him saying it's not FUN anymore so I'm checking out but too lazy to actually figure this out and have to take care of myself.
To me, red flag that he is cheating (or thinking of it and as PPs have said, has a back-up) but wants to keep you on the side if it does not work out. He wants to passively sit and not make a choice or do any work.
I wish you the best in whatever you decide, hopefully counseling for YOU will help you sort that out.
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I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
That being said, the fact that his phone "was wiped" or whatever is just too shady, if you ask me. But I think you know that. I hope I am wrong, but I also agree that it sounds like he HAS done more than just the flirting by text, because of where your conversation went after that.
I think counseling is great, and hopefully he will go and be open to it, but most importantly, I think it will be good for you to go on your own to sort everything out.
I also agree with getting things settled financially for yourself, just in case.
Hugs.
I'm sorry you are going through this. There are no unrelated notes. Don't even invest time and money in counseling. Your husband has no interest in fixing your marriage or he would have promised you the moon today when you confronted him.
Didn't he seem relieved he was caught? I think he wanted you to know. Again, I'm sorry.
I really feel it was more then what he's telling you and for him to go and erase his whole phone just proves it. I hope you do not believe everything he is telling you.
On a different note, I'm so glad you are seeking counseling. I hope it helps you through this process! My heart breaks for you!
I am lurking, but I have to throw my 2 cents in.....
I have been in a similar situation, but thankfully I wasn't married at the time. My ex would leave his phone out all the time, and towards the end of our relationship I started checking it because things just felt wrong. Each time every single text would be erased, both incoming and outgoing. As well as all of his calls. It would all be wiped out.
Come to find out later, he was not only texting other women, but also meeting up with them. I went out of town for a week once, and the entire time I was gone he was meeting up with people. I only found out because he stupidly was calling an old friend of mine (a girl) that I had reconnected with. Evidently, he would wait until I was in bed and then call and vent to her.
I confronted him, and he basically said the same things as your DH. I don't feel the same about you, there isn't a spark anymore, we don't have much in common, etc. He also confessed to having numerous online relationships as well, several being with married women (SAHMs) that would tell him they were bored in their relationships, send him pictures, etc. It was ridiculous. We had been together for quite a while, and this was happening almost the entire last year of our relationship. It started WAY before I even saw there was something wrong.
Maybe I am quick to judge, but I don't believe he is telling the truth. I don't even believe he is telling a fraction of the truth. My advice is to just be as strong as you can for yourself and your little ones. I have a feeling that you have a long road ahead of you.
Good luck!
I'm really sorry you're going through that
I understand how it feels to be rejected by the one you are married to and I know how bad it hurts. I hope the counseling works for you guys and you can rekindle the flame. If not, just know that you and your kid(s) will be fine. Regardless, try to do whatever makes you happy.
Oh and not to sound like a debby downer or anything but from my personal experience, any time I thought something was going on with my XH and some girl he was talking to, I was right every single time. We broke up a few times and any time we broke up he would go straight to his new "friend" (that so happened to be a girl). Trust your gut instinct.
Kudos for having the courage to confront him regarding the texts.
Like pp suggested, counseling and contacting a lawyer should be your next steps.
You need to do what's best for yourself and your children. Hopefully, he will man up, and do the right thing, whatever that may be.
GL. Sorry you are having to go through this.