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Sister's Adoption-Mixed Emotions VENT
I know this probably isn't the best board to post this on but it's my "home" board and I just needed somewhere to share this.
A few months ago my much younger sister announced that she was pregnant. For a multitude of reasons that I won't list here I really encouraged her to consider adoption. I did post on the "Adoption" board and received some great information and resources for her. At that time she said the only way she would consider adoption was if my husband and I were the adoptive parents. Fast forward to Monday night and she texted me that she's 100% on board with adoption and had already registered with a local agency. I was ecstatic for her and the baby. This gives both of them the opportunity at a beautiful, amazing life and I'm so proud of her for making this difficult decision. I couldn't sleep at all that night as I planned how we would go from 1 child to having 2 children under the age of 1! (She is due in February...they would be 9.5 months apart.) Then yesterday I spoke with her on the phone and she started talking about how excited she was to select and interview the adoptive parents. I had mistakenly assumed that based on her original statements she wanted us to adopt the baby. In the matter of a few seconds I went from thinking that we would soon be bringing home a beautiful baby to realizing her gift was meant for someone else. I stumbled through the rest of the conversation and then hung up.
(If you're still reading this I'm sure you're thinking..."get to the point lady!". So I guess to summarize I'm happy that she's being strong and doing what's best for both her and the baby. I'm so glad that there is a couple out there that desperately wants a baby and will soon get their wish. My husband and I are healthy and able to have more children biologically. I want to be the most amazing, supportive person for my sister during the next few months but in the back of my head I had already started to consider it "our" baby. How is it possible that I'm mourning the loss of a baby that was never mine?
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Re: Sister's Adoption-Mixed Emotions VENT
This.
I would bring it up in conversation again, but giving her child up for adoption to her sister may be too difficult to her. If that's the case, continue to support her, but I wouldnt let it go without mentioning that you are very serious about moving forward with adopting her LO.
GL.
I agree with this as well, but I also wonder if the difficulty of seeing the child grow up, but not having an active, parental part in it's life would be too much for her. If I were in her situation, I know it would be very hard for me to see my sister raise the child the way she wanted, since my sister would technically be the child's parent at that point.
Either way, I do think you should definitely make it known to her that you are interested if she wanted to go that route.
Your disappointment is completely understandable. Unless you are really dying for another child though and this is the child you really want, I would be hesitant, as you have been, to say anything. I have a good friend whose son was adopted by a family member when she was 16. She is 38 now and was just visiting last weekend (I have known her since she was 17). It has been a long, hard road for all of them. It does not get any more open than a family to family adoption and there will be lots of times when your sister may not appreciate your parenting, particularly if the child has challenges. It has also tied my friend to a location that she does not like, yet she is loath to move away from "her" son. She is considering it now that he is in his 20's.
Every situation is different and you know your sister and the rest of your family best. I have seen another situation with family adoption where the parents adopted the grandchild, then gave it back to the mother once she was out of school, stable, and married, when the child was around 6 or 7. It worked out well for them because they always agreed they would do this and raised the child with this expectation.
I agree with pps that you should make it clear to your sister that you would not only be willing but happy to adopt her baby. I would say something along the lines of "I love you and will support whatever decision you make. I would like the opportunity to adopt the baby if you are comfortable with that. If not I will support you however I can in finding another family." Just let her know that you aren't just offering to adopt the baby as a favor to her but also that you don't want her to feel pressured to let you adopt the baby if she isn't going to be comfortable with it.
I can completely understand how you could be mourning the loss of adopting this baby. IMO I think that is what happens when someone has a miscarriage. They need to mourn the loss of what could have been. To me this is very similar.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Try to see it from your sister's prespective. Imagine how hard it would be to give up a child, then have to see that child all the time. Be an aunt to that child. That situation wouldn't have been good for anyone.
I think your heart is in the right place, as is your goals. GL moving forward.
This response may be very long so sorry in advance.
I understand how you can be upset that your sister changed her mind since you were making future plans for you family with this new baby in mind. Now you're future has changed in a blink of an eye. It may take a little while to for your mind and your emotions to catch up with the reality of the situation. With that being said, I want to share my experience with my cousin. She got pregnant at 17. She wanted to give the baby up for adoption but her dad told the only way that he would allow that to happen is if he got to adopt the baby. My cousin decided it would be too hard to give the baby up legally but have to be around it all the time as a sibling. She decided to keep her son but her parents pretty much raise the baby (I guess he's not a baby anymore, he's 6 now). She gets to come and go as she pleases and they watch him. If her parents go out of town, they take him with them. They watch him all the time and she takes care of him when it's convenient. I truly think she loves him but she was not ready to be a mom and her parents pretty much talked her out of adoption.
My advice to you is, you said that you would be willing to adopt this baby and your sister has told you that's not what she wants. I wouldn't bring it up to her again. She may get discouraged and decide to keep the baby or cut you out of this part of her life. Your sister has made the best decision for her and the baby and the hardest decision she could have ever made and it's not going to get any easier. She just needs you to be there for her in whatever way possible. If she brings up the possibility of you adopting again, then would be the time to talk to her about it. If it's too hard for you to be there for her, maybe you could talk to a counselor about how you feel.
For what its worth, my family went through two failed adoptions when I was a senior in high school so I know the loss you feel, granted it's not on a motherly level, but I still understand.
IMO I think it is okay to have the feelings you are having, I wouldnt question them. You are mourning a loss of not only a niece or nephew, but you and your husband opened up your family, and hearts to a son or daughter that you are no longer getting.. Im sure this is a hard time for you! I am sorry for your loss, but it sounds like you are finding piece with it. Also, maybe your sister thought about it and it was to hard for her to see her child being brought up by someone in her family?
TP with you and your sister