adoptive parents = inferior?

vanceke08 · September 2011

Went out to dinner with a friend yesterday and talked to her about our adoption plan. she said that she wasn't a fan, and thought we should do IVF instead. I told her some of our reasons for not choosing IVF, and she said "well...you can't let money hold you back." it's not; there are several other very good reasons we felt like that was not the right path for us. Then she said something about "do you really think you could love that baby as much as a real baby?"

ugh. "well, considering that I physically cannot ever have a "real baby", I guess I will never have anything to compare it to, so I suppose I will love my "fake baby" just as much as I possibly can, but I will never know if that is more or less than I would have felt for a biological child,"

her response: "well...I think you should do IVF"

thanks. We will get right on that, captain of my uterus.

I was thinking about it last night, and I just thought " man, will everyone always think of it this way?" like we are not "real" parents. We will get the sympathy eyes because we are the poor infertile couple who don't know what it's like to have kids, even though we are adopting kids? I feel like there is this stigma: people who have bio kids AND adopt are looked at as doing something great, and selfless, and helping out a poor "unwanted" child. but people who are truly infertile, and can only have children through adoption are looked at as the sad couple who don't have any "real kids". poor pitiful them. does anyone else feel this way? I am just grumpy and over sensitive today, but I really thought this friend would be happy for us, but she said she "wasn't a fan" of our plan to start a family. ouch. This is on the heels of my brother also telling us saturday that he thinks this is a bad plan and has disaster written all over it for everyone involved. my heart just hurts today. thanks for listening.

Alicia_22 · September 2011

Luckily, we haven't had these comments made (to our face) but I wanted to comment on the comment she made about loving an adopted baby as much as a "real" baby. First of all, I'm glad you came back with the real/fake comment. I hate when people use the word real. I would rather someone comment about her birthmother and say her mom or mother than to say her "real mom." We are both moms. I've never had a biological child, but I can tell you that there is absolutely NO way I could love a child more than I love my DD!!!!! It's just not possible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If I were you, I'd try to educate her and if her attitude/opinions don't change, I don't think we would be friends anymore. Good luck to you in your journey!

dragossoul84 · September 2011

Sounds like your friend needs some serious education. I know most of my friends are really excited. We cannot have a child because for some reason my body will not carry to term I saw no point of IVF giving the fact I had lost 4 pregnancies already. My mother said to me that everyone gets the children they were supposed to have no matter what.

vanceke08 · September 2011

I feel the same way, like when the toddler is in the clingy phase people will say behind my back "I knew that kid would have attachment/abandonment issues..."

no, it's just a normal toddler in their clingy phase. ugh.

I just think, how can I get together with her and talk about mommy things after the baby is born, when i know the thinks my baby isn't "real", or thinks I'm not a "valid" parent, because I must just be playing pretend with some one else's child.

It's just been a super difficult and complicated and painful road; I didn't think she would be anything less than supportive.

GulfCoaster · September 2011

I have distanced myself from a few friends lately because of their reactions to our plan to adopt... No one was quite as overtly negative as your friend, but their disappointment was evident and they just kept asking questions about IF treatments etc. I didn't want to be subjected to all the questions or concerns from them, so I've distanced myself from those friends and now don't talk to them as much. I suspect that distance may end up being permanent, because after the adoption I won't want to always wonder if they're judging my children and talking about them behind our backs.

One of my good friends from college, when I called her and told her we were starting the adoption process, literally squealed because she was so happy for us. She also wrote an amazing reference letter which she insisted on Fed-exing to our social worker so she'd be absolutely certain it arrived. That's the kind of friend I need to surround myself with, you know?

Cissi64 · September 2011

People say stupid, thoughtless stuff all the time without thinking about the consequencs to the listener. Some people do think adoptive parents and adopted kids are "second best". ( The "Why would anyone ever adopt if they could have their own? " attitude) I've had people insinuate that I would love my adopted kids more if they were bio and my kids were " less than". If you think the comments are bad about domestic adoption try adopting from Foster Care. Fred's comments are right on the money. People get even more vocal if you adopt trans-racially like we did (FC and Biracial! Those kids are bound to be messed up. You are such a wonderful person for taking them in! ). The sad fact is that some adopted kids, whether domestic or FC do have issues related to the BPs and it "proves" that the idiots are right (I hope you can hear the sarcasm dripping from my finger as I type.) Add the fact that everyone knows of and adoption that failed ( even if it is just from the media) and you have a perfect storm of unsolicited and hurtful "advice". I am quick to correct people about their false opinions and if they insist remaining stupid, I quietly cut them out of my life or at least reduce contact...even a few family members have suffered this fate.

To paraphrase an old saying "Opinions are like buttholes. Everyone has one. And most of them aren't pretty!" You just a have to ignore negative comments. Just like we advise people when discussing the different kinds of adoption, you have to make the choices that are right for you and what is right for you isn't right for the negative people. ( Thank God! Can you imagine them adopting if they really hold that attitude?)

(BTW, you ever notice it is always the people who don't have IF and have never sufffered a loss and have their children perfectly spaced- in other word rarely been disappointed in what they want famiy-wise, who make these comments?)

vanceke08 · September 2011

Cissi64:
People say stupid, thoughtless stuff all the time without thinking about the consequencs to the listener. Some people do think adoptive parents and adopted kids are "second best". ( The "Why would anyone ever adopt if they could have their own? " attitude) I've had people insinuate that I would love my adopted kids more if they were bio and my kids were " less than". If you think the comments are bad about domestic adoption try adopting from Foster Care. Fred's comments are right on the money. People get even more vocal if you adopt trans-racially like we did (FC and Biracial! Those kids are bound to be messed up. You are such a wonderful person for taking them in! ). The sad fact is that some adopted kids, whether domestic or FC do have issues related to the BPs and it "proves" that the idiots are right (I hope you can hear the sarcasm dripping from my finger as I type.) Add the fact that everyone knows of and adoption that failed ( even if it is just from the media) and you have a perfect storm of unsolicited and hurtful "advice". I am quick to correct people about their false opinions and if they insist remaining stupid, I quietly cut them out of my life or at least reduce contact...even a few family members have suffered this fate.

To paraphrase an old saying "Opinions are like buttholes. Everyone has one. And most of them aren't pretty!" You just a have to ignore negative comments. Just like we advise people when discussing the different kinds of adoption, you have to make the choices that are right for you and what is right for you isn't right for the negative people. ( Thank God! Can you imagine them adopting if they really hold that attitude?)

(BTW, you ever notice it is always the people who don't have IF and have never sufffered a loss and have their children perfectly spaced- in other word rarely been disappointed in what they want famiy-wise, who make these comments?)

Your last paragraph is it to a T! We have had a failed adoption from foster care, of an older child, and I feel like that is when the pitying side eye all started. We will adopt from china when DH and I are both 30 like their government requires, so I am sure we will be in for all the fun you are talking about!

I just don't understand why someone would think this needs to be a "last resort". really? it doesn't take a genius to know that is stupid before it even comes out of your mouth. I am just getting fed up with all of this lately.

KStreake · September 2011

I'm sorry that the supposed 'friend' was so insensitive to you and completely ignorant of the issue of 'real' vs 'fake' children. I loved that response, as I've had my MIL ask me a few times what will I do when the child's 'real' parents want contact w/him/her. I quickly respond that we will be the child's real parents and I ususally ask her to drop it.

I was going to start a thread like this the other day b/c I have had it up to my eyeballs with insensitive comments from my BFF. Over the past few years I've heard, "Are you sure you want kids" as one of them misbehaves, or "You're taking the easy way out because you won't have to push a baby out or deal with breast feeding." The kicker for me is when she says, "You're lucky you won't have to go through childbirth in order to get your child."

I've had it with her insensitivity and when I call her on it she says that she has been through a lot regarding all of my past m/c's and infertility issues. She thinks that she gets to say what she wants and have an opinion on my childbaring/rearing options b/c we are 'family'.

Sorry to vent on your post Vance, I just had to let it out and let you know that insensitive people are everywhere in every shape and size. You never know when someone is going to sling a zinger your way. Like when someone starts a conversation, "I watched a Lifetime movie about adoption..." Those talks always suck.

zarapipe · September 2011

That is crazy talk!!! I am agreeing with everything else pp have said but will add this: surround yourself with a support system. If your friend is staying this stuff tell her exactly how it makes you feel and let her know what you expect of her- support. You don't need her ideas, her criques, her opinions, negative comments. You are decided on this journey and you don't need anyone making it harder than it already is. I think sometimes telling someone how their words effect you puts it into reality to them how hurtful their words and opinions are.

lady_chance_99 · September 2011

my dh and his brother are extremely close but his brother just informed us that he will not be able to love a child that isnt his blood... we have since reduced talking to him to as little as humanly possible. it sucks that people are so cruel. whats hilarious to me is that my entire family is nothing but foster/adopted kids including my mother and my family is a million times closer than his family is. yes all of them have issues but i dont see it as issues because of foster care or adoption as much as it is an issue of just being human. i was in foster care, my mom placed me for adoption when i was born and then changed her mind... funnily enough i have always felt so bad for the couple who was supposed to adopt me, and that was long before i started down this road... or at least before i realized it. i am a relatively well adjusted intelligent woman with a wonderful life and husband yet i should by their theories be hooked on drugs and prostituting because of attachment issues... people have no clue what they are talking about and usually cant even imagine that they are wrong so hang in there and know that they are insensitive and naive, and most of all remember you have a support system here.

lady_chance_99 · September 2011

oh and please excuse the typos and punctutation issues which seem to invalidate my former statement of intelligence but i am posting from my phone and for some reason it wont let me use anything that requires my alt key on my phone when i am on tb... good luck

boxermama24 · September 2011

fredalina:
We didn't get a lot of those comments, but when we did, I worried that people would think that everything that went wrong down the line was due to adoption. Kid has a tantrum while I'm out with friends? Must be because she was adopted, not because she's a normal 2 year old. Kid gets sick? Well, you don't know what the birthmother did while pregnant. And those fears were compounded by the drug exposure. So far, it's been okay though . Hang in there!

THIS THIS THIS. I couldn't have said it better. DH and I have already had to have a major discussion about what we will disclose to close family/friends about our child. I have a really open relationship with my parents, so when I've received BM situations, I've openly discussed those situations. I've already learned this is NOT the way to go. I can just see it now... if someone in our family knows that the BM had bipolar in her history, the second our child is sad we will get, "do you think they could have depression? You might want to get that checked out."

Sorry, this is more of a spin-off but your responses made me think of this and how we've already drastically altered how we will do things going forward. It's nobody's business what's in that child's history but our business. I really hate that other people will possibly be thinking "it's because they're adopted" and we're not even there yet.

Sunny1s · September 2011

Wow. I'm so sorry. That is no friend at all and what a disappointment it must be to you. That makes my heart just hurt.

You know, I truly believe that if God has put the intent in your heart to make you a mother, then He has also planned a child for you. So if you cannot have a biological child, you will simply get your child another way. And you will love that child so completely that you will never wonder if you could have loved them more.

It's up to you how you want to handle the relationship with this person you call a friend. My advice though is to not sweep the issue under the rug. If you want to still be friends you need to address this. If things continue to bubble up then maybe you need to reevaluate if they should be in your life and let them know why if they cannot.

mamatojts · September 2011

lol @ "captain of my uterus"

orange1414 · September 2011

I'm so sorry your friend is an asshat. I'm adopted myself, so if anyone in my life has such stupid opinions they know to keep them to themselves.

For what it is worth, while I'm adopted, my younger sister is my parents biological child. And, yup, they love us the same.

so1966 · September 2011

i'm so sorry about your clueless, insensitive friend. my mom commented that God brings children into your lives in several ways. she is sooo gushing over my LO and calls him our Golden one. our LO is treated no different than all the bio children/grandchildren in our family.

you do need to surround yourself with supportive friends/family at this time.

heathie2010 · September 2011

I was just lurking and wanted to share...

I am 33 years old and was adopted by my mom and dad when I was less than a month old (she couldn't have children). I just went for my 7 week ultrasound today (my first child) and I just hope that I can love my baby as much as my mom loves me.

From an adopted kids point of view, she loves me more than anything I could explain and I love her just as much. Mom always told me that I was even more loved than normal children because she had to wait and try very hard to find the perfect child - me. I couldn't imagine having anyone more loving, kind, caring, creative and compassionate be my mother.

I can't imagine someone being so insensitive, I'm so sorry.

srmmm09 · September 2011

Well let's look at it this way - how would your friend react if she says that she and her husband are trying and you said, "That's a horrible idea. You HAVE to wait at least two more years. You guys are idiots if you keep trying now."

Who does that?!? I hope you can find the whatever-it-is-you-need to blow these stupid comments off. It is none of her business. I don't think I would ever let it come up again. She clearly doesn't need to know about your family planning.

vanceke08 · September 2011

lol, reading through these posts was the highlight of my evening for sure! you ladies are the best!

KS- that is so hard! we recently visited my BFF for vacation, and it was all about her LO, which was great, love him, but at one point she kept going on and on about how they wanted a baby again but she didn't want all the "annoyances" of pregnancy and labor. she was going on and on about "my ankles swell, my back hurts, my bbs are sore..." and I was like "and I would give everything I own to experience that." she was like "oh, I'm sorry! I'm dumb!" she is a wonderful friend, and she truly would never have said anything she thought would hurt me, it just goes to show me, at least, that anyone can speak without thinking.

lady- I am so sorry. that breaks my heart! how could someone even think, let alone say that out loud?! I am sorry you had to hear this; how deeply insensitive.

boxermama- I think this is what I am starting to learn. I am just not going to tell many people the whole situation. It's our life and our choice and they don't need to be privy to every detail. They surely would not be asking so many questions about it if we were conceiving ourselves, so why they decide they get to know every detail here is beyond me. I think I am learning more and more each day what to share, and with whom, and what to keep to myself. sad that it needs to be that way, but that's how it goes, I guess.

sunny- thank you. this brought me a lot of comfort and encouragement this evening. I truly appreciate it

orange and heathie- THANK YOU so much for commenting! that's what I am most scared of in all of this; what will be best for the baby? Will they grow up and one day wish they had just been left in their birth family, or adopted by a different family? are we truly what's best for that baby? I guess a part of me just feels like "well, you won't know until it's a done deal and too late to change." I just spend...literally....hours, trying to think through all the things that baby could deal with throughout their life because of adoption. I am just scared to not be good enough to help them through the hurt that I know has to come at some point, if that makes sense. I really found your words comforting! I am so glad to know you feel that way about your parents!

stargazr- Bahahaha! too funny! maybe not being real could get you out of jury duty too... this could work for all you fake babies out there!

You ladies are the best; It is so nice to have somewhere to post where people actually understand! as supportive as most of my friends and family are, even the ones that are completely supportive still don't fully understand. they couldn't. but you all can.

RNmommyof2 · September 2011

I lurk here occasionally because I'm fascinated by the strength of all of you ladies. I was diagnosed with leukemia as a teenager and was told by my oncologist that I would probably never be able to have children (which devastated me, even at 13) so from a young age I had to consider what my options might be to have the family I've always desperately wanted. Thankfully my doctor was wrong, but how could I have known that?

I think adoption is a very noble way to create a family and don't understand how someone can find adoptive parents inferior. It's been my experience that adoptive parents are often wonderful. One of my friends suffered many miscarriages and was finally able to adopt her beautiful daughter. She's a great mother and that child radiates confidence and love. Your friend is, as a previous poster said, an asshat. It's your life, your family, and your choice. Best of luck on your journey.

Jermysgirl · September 2011

If someone loves their bio kid more than I love mine, I can't imagine how their brain doesn't just explode out of their head. I love my daughter so much, I physically can't stand it sometimes. Like it's a huge rush of emotion when I think about how lucky I am to have her in my life and for her to call me Momma. I mean, I love my husband, and I'm not related to him, ya know? Love is not dictated by blood or DNA.

HannaB · September 2011

Jermysgirl:
If someone loves their bio kid more than I love mine, I can't imagine how their brain doesn't just explode out of their head. I love my daughter so much, I physically can't stand it sometimes. Like it's a huge rush of emotion when I think about how lucky I am to have her in my life and for her to call me Momma. I mean, I love my husband, and I'm not related to him, ya know? Love is not dictated by blood or DNA.

YES.

One of the hardest parts of IF for me was the "sad eyes." I was so tired of getting the sad eyes from nurses, coworkers, friends.

I can tell you that even if people still look at me like that, I don't notice it.

This baby and me, we were made for each other. And the moment we went from adopting a hypothetical baby to being parents of OUR baby, any doubts that friends or family may have had no longer applied.

I'm sorry your friend is being ridiculous.

fallsbride · September 2011

I have both biological and an adoptive child and let me say I don't have one child I love more over than the other. They are each perfect in their own way and that is why Iove them b/c they are all mine! I am a real mommy to each and they are each my real child. I can't stand when ppl use that term.

This is a true story of something that happened the other day. I was talking to a mom of one of my son's friends. She was asking if we plan to have more children (yes we do) and I was telling her that in the future we would love to have the opportunity to grow our family through adoption again and we were blessed that we were able to adopt our 2nd son.......ummmmm LOL I actually said the wrong son, I literally forgot which one of our sons we adopted and had to stop and think about it for a second.....if that does not show how you love them each as much I don't know what does. It was our 3rd son not our 2nd son that joined our family through adoption. I don't even think about that our family is just what is perfect for us.

I have come to realize that not everyone has the spirit of adoption and so some ppl just don't get it! I have ppl ask me why would we adopt when we can have children of our "own". I explain to them all of my children are my "own". Just try to educate when and where you can and realize that some ppl are just never gonna open their hearts!

vanceke08 · September 2011

HannaB:
Jermysgirl:
If someone loves their bio kid more than I love mine, I can't imagine how their brain doesn't just explode out of their head. I love my daughter so much, I physically can't stand it sometimes. Like it's a huge rush of emotion when I think about how lucky I am to have her in my life and for her to call me Momma. I mean, I love my husband, and I'm not related to him, ya know? Love is not dictated by blood or DNA.
YES.
One of the hardest parts of IF for me was the "sad eyes." I was so tired of getting the sad eyes from nurses, coworkers, friends.
I can tell you that even if people still look at me like that, I don't notice it.
This baby and me, we were made for each other. And the moment we went from adopting a hypothetical baby to being parents of OUR baby, any doubts that friends or family may have had no longer applied.
I'm sorry your friend is being ridiculous.

THIS! the "sad eyes" all the time! like "aww, there goes that poor couple. good thing they could at least have a "backup" family through adoption. hopefully one day they can have a "real" family so they can be happy." I just want to yell at everyone who looks at me that way!

g00dg0llymsm0lly · September 2011

As an adoptee (and lurker!) those kinds of comments make me so angry. Adoptive parents are REAL parents; adopted children are their REAL children. My family and my parents are the most incredible people I will ever know, and I have never felt like anything other than THEIR child. People who think anything differently are selfish and closed-minded. Try not to be upset by them, because their peanut-gallery comments are too stupid to bother getting offended by.

heathie2010 · September 2011

Don't worry about the child thinking they'd wished they had their birth parents. I have never felt that way, even when I would get in trouble (and that was a lot) I never thought about being left with my birth parents or wished I had other parents. I truly feel that having my mom and dad was the best place for me and couldn't even imagine another family.

I haven't actually had to deal with "adoption" things much. I was never teased as a child and I always knew I was adopted. I was told that adoption was the most special way to have a child, so that never bothered me. I know who to call if I ever want to meet or know more about my birth parents, but haven't ever wanted to do it.

As for helping your child get though things - you will help them get though all kinds of things and they will know that and being adopted doesn't make any difference. Hurt happens and she was always there with a hug, a shoulder, tissues, kind words, chocolate and even a new outfit - she always knows how to cheer me up - clothes! She could solve problems like no other and if there was a solution to my hurt, she'd find it.

I know in my heart that birth mother was supposed to carry me, but my adopted mother was supposed to be and always will be "mom."

Amy720 · September 2011

It makes me so mad when I hear stories like this. There is no way that I could love a child more than Ben. Most of the time I don't even think he is adopted because he is so much like me and my DH. I try to just focus on how happy I am with Ben. I always try to think if the person who was saying such stupid things was desperate to have a child then they would understand. Some people will never get it.

mommytoconnor · September 2011

I can totally relate. I have had comments like "his real mom" or "your adopted son". Guess what people, I am the only mom he has ever had and he is just my son. I am proud of the fact that I adopted him, I choose this path. I adopted from foster care and have had many people give me "the look" like omg you adopted some poor drug kid. Well yes he was substance exposed, but does that mean that he or any other kid in foster care doesn't deserve a family? I love my son more than I can ever imagine loving anyone, including a bio child. It really makes me mad to hear that so many adoptive parents have had this same type of situation as if we were second class parents. I say we are first rate parents who choose to adopt and love a child. Adoption is a selfless thing and how dare anyone tell us that we aren't "real" parents or make us feel bad. Shame on them. I say if your friends/family aren't on board with your decision then tell them they don't have a say in the matter. Get supportive or be done with them. The last thing you need is that kind of person around you and your future child. They will always see that child as adopted and their attitude probably won't change. I am so sorry that they made you feel this way. Just know that adoption is a wonderful thing and you will never regret this decision. Good Luck to you.

ChelsiAnn13 · September 2011

My god parents adopted me when my mom died of an overdose and my dad couldnt support me like they could. My dad was and is the center of my world and even lived in the same house as me and my god parents. I was with them since I was two and started to call my god mother mom. Even when I got older and defiant and made it clear that my dad was my only parent and not to tell people I was their child everyone, including me deep down, knew they were still my parents too. the parents are who raises the child. The one who loves them, provides for them, fights with them and supports them. . And I know I am out of line but your friend sucks.

livvel · September 2011

Hi,

I normally lurk here since we're not planning to adopt for a few more years but seriously, your "friend" sounds like a jerk. DH, his sister, and a few of his cousins are adopted. I really hope no one is stupid enough to call adopted children fake around us when the time comes, or ever really. My own family has a tendency to be a bit insensitive so we've already said we plan to adopt in the future so they get used to the idea (we have a 3yo and 1 on the way).

L.

smith486 · October 2011

srmmm09:
Well let's look at it this way - how would your friend react if she says that she and her husband are trying and you said, "That's a horrible idea. You HAVE to wait at least two more years. You guys are idiots if you keep trying now."

BWHAHAHA!!! This is great! I had a "friend" tell me about all sorts of infertility treatments and clinics when I was telling her about our adoption plan. Um... what part of "adoption plan" do you not understand? I cannot wait to use this on her when she shares she is pregnant some day. The look on her face will be priceless.

I am thinking something along the lines of "Oh! Let me give you the name of my adoption agency, they are always looking for more birth moms."

(Of course, I won't actually say it. But the thought is wonderful.)

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