IFV with question about emotions during IVF

MoFree · September 2011

Hi Ladies,

Do any of you who have been through IVF have any advice on how to balance the optimism that an IVF cycle will be successful with the reality that it often takes several to bring about a take home baby?

I'm cycling in November and my DH is already talking about us having a baby next September. I don't want to be a party pooper, especially since it has taken him such a long time to get to this stage, but I think he needs to realize that even the most successful clinics with the most straightforward cases have a success rate of 60%. In addition to needing to balance my own emotions, I don't want him to be totally devastated if we need more than one cycle to be successful.

sweetky_06 · September 2011

I wish I had some sage advice to offer you here. I was always the optimistic one and DH was much more tempered. The first IVF I was so convinced was going to work and when it didn't, I was beyond devastated. The only time DH ever cried throughout the whole process was when our 3rd embryo transfer resulted in a ectopic.

The only practical advice I can suggest is to get your DH to read all of the info that your clinic has given you - assuming they've given you packets about the process, procedure and their success rates. My DH also read specific books on IVF - perhaps those can shed some more light to your DH on the realities of the outcomes.

The best I can call my attitude after that first failed IVF is "guarded optimism". I wish you and your DH the best of luck!

steveandkim2 · September 2011

Its such a hard question (and in all honesty, what I struggled with the most during all of my cycles). I feel like you need to have that optimism to get through the 2 weeks leading up to ER - if not, there's no motivation when you're shoving needle after needle into your stomach. I wish I had the magic answer, but I can only really share how we coped - we hoped for the best, but expected the worst.

I was absolutely convinced IVF#1 would work. RE gave us the highest chance for success, embies were highest grades, lining perfect....and was crushed at the BFN b/c I never expected it. What I learned though was that the sun still rose and life still went on (although it was hard at first). We were OK. Our next 2 cycles were the same and we were given the highest chance for success - and they didn't work either. Each failure got a little easier to handle (but were'nt easy) b/c we knew we survived the first one. I also spent a lot of time lurking on PAIF/SAIF/Adoption and reading siggies - and after seeing what others went through, it gave me hope. There was something inspiring about seeing people get pregnant on IVF#4. It made me feel less alone that it took multiple IVFs for me to get pregnant. It showed me there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

By the time we got to the magical FET, we didn't ask for a single stat. The nurse told us we were definitely dealing with the "JV Squad" so I guess our expectations were lower. We had plans in place for what we would do if it didn't work again - we had a trip booked to Europe and an adoption seminar scheduled. We decided to not let the failure define us. Sure enough, someone really wanted to make the varsity team - and he's kicking my bladder right now!

I think the most important thing was accepting that we couldn't control anything. Given everything that you and your DH have been through, I'm sure I'm not telling you anything new.

Lots and lots of luck this cycle.

Stuckinthemiddle · September 2011

I would try to stay busy. Have something planned to do that isn't baby related after your cycle is over so you have something to look forward to in case things don't work out.

I would also seek out your local RESOLVE groups for support and possibly get a therapist lined up.

We did 4 IVF cycles in 9 months - and had the "rip the band-aid off" mentality through it all. Of course, in the beginning, I just assumed the first cycle would work. I didn't even think it was possible to have a 0% fert rate after an IVF cycle - it was just never discussed. So when that happened on what was to be our first and only cycle, I went off the deep end a little. Having a support system IRL really helped me out. We did end up plowing through treatments, but our decision to do that was what I needed at the time to feel in control of the situation. Was it the best thing? I'm still not sure.

The fact that you are even asking about this shows that you are being realistic about your expectations with IVF, which is good. I really hope you can be one of those "one and done" success stories, but in the event you aren't, it is good to be educated and prepared - which it seems like you are doing. Best of luck to you!

NicoleeBonsai · September 2011

i think what you and your H are going through with IVF #1 is totally normal. sounds very similar to how we dealt with it.

honestly, i think MH was more disappointed/devastated than i was when our first cycle ended in a c/p. not to say i wasn't upset, but he was just so sure that the odds were in our favor (esp after having a positive beta), it took him a few months to come around to the idea of cycling again. i was ready to cycle again much sooner than he was.

i don't know if there really is any way to balance it, except to take a look at your clinic's success rates with your diagnosis and just take them to heart. way easier said than done.

good luck!

Glowconsin · September 2011

Balancing emotions during IVF cycles is super tricky. My first cycle, I was so excited and convinced that "this was it!" Things went wrong in the petri dish stage, so I kind of suspected things wouldn't end well, but I was still really positive. I was pretty crushed when the first cycle ended in a BFN.

The second cycle, I was very careful to remain even. It was a difficult road balancing the not trying to get excited but not give up hope either.

The best advice I can give is choose to be positive. Don't give up until the fat lady sings, even at that point, never lose hope. There is always reason for hope.

Keep yourself busy and do your best not to obsess.

Best of luck to you, dear!

kthappy76 · September 2011

I think being realistic is important, as is having a plan for what comes next. You have to be optimistic, but once you control what you can, you have to give the rest up and know you did the best you could. After feeling like we'd been spinning our wheels w/lousy odds for so long, actually getting to do an IVF cycle was very exciting for us. I've got several blog posts on this that may be helpful to you. GL hon!!

bbakersgirl75 · September 2011

I really wish I could help you out but I can't.

We were both beyond niave for our first round of IVF. We thought ending up with 24 embies that we'd be in the clear. Little did we know we would end up with 2 morulas on day 5 to transfer, and the rest had arrested. We were both devastated that a cycle that was amazing until day 4, would end up like it did.

That was pretty much what changed it all for us. Neither of us were optomistic for IVF#2, because of what we had been through with round #1. Even the day I poas and got the BFP I wasn't excited. Each and every day I'd find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. It wasn't until our anatomy scan at 19 weeks that we both finally started to relax and realize that this is really going to happen.

Good Luck hun!!!! I wish you all of the ppv's in the world, and really pray that you and DH can be excited, yet remain reserved. ((Hugs))

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