XP - IFV with question about emotions during IVF

MoFree · September 2011

Hi Ladies,

Do any of you who have been through IVF have any advice on how to balance the optimism that an IVF cycle will be successful with the reality that it often takes several to bring about a take home baby?

I'm cycling in November and my DH is already talking about us having a baby next September. I don't want to be a party pooper, especially since it has taken him such a long time to get to this stage, but I think he needs to realize that even the most successful clinics with the most straightforward cases have a success rate of 60%. In addition to needing to balance my own emotions, I don't want him to be totally devastated if we need more than one cycle to be successful.

Mrs.Babbsy · September 2011

I think I had to tell myself the same thing thr first time cycling, I was convinced it would work, it's how I made it through it.

Now this time, I am having a harder time dealing with those emotions, I want to stay postive and I think the one way I do that is to have faith it's going to work and bring home a baby late June, early July!

I think you need that postivity

Sorry I am no help, just adding my 2 cents

nikinikinine · September 2011

I think part of the process is actually staying positive when the odds are stacked against you. I'm a firm believer in the power of intention/thought.

lnle · September 2011

I don't know. It's just really hard. You can remind yourself about the stats all you want, but it's hard not to be optimistic. I think it's better to be optimistic than pessimistic...it's the realistic that's hard. Glad you're cycling soon!!

JourneyToBaby · September 2011

I believe that there is some truth or value in the idea that putting positive vibes/feelings/thoughts into the universe actually helps. Kinda like the book, the secret (even though I thought that books was "interesting"). I think its a good thing to be realistically optimistic. I always just "knew" that if we did IVF, it would work. My doc wanted to cancel me bc we only had 6 follicles before retrieval. I said, no, I wanted to move forward. I ended up with 5 retrieved. 5 mature and all 5 fertilized. I transferred 2 and have 2 frozen. 17 months old twin boys today. I just knew it would work. Maybe I am weird, though. Best of luck to you!

ladychicago · September 2011

First of all... I am so excited for you!!! I know how long awaiting this is! I am wishing you SO MUCH luck, hon!

Secondly, it is a giant clusterfvck of emotions. We were essentially given 50% odds, and the counselor we had to meet with said that we should go into the cycle hopeful that it will work, but prepared that it won't work. I never really figured out how to do that. I knew that IVF gave us the best chance we'd had thus far - so I knew we were doing the right thing. But I also knew the odds and so didn't have the naive belief that of course it would work. In my head, I just prepared myself that it might take a few times, but that didn't mean it couldn't work the first time.

I don't even know if that makes sense. Regardless, it is a really difficult emotional place. But I know I'd never felt as hopeful as I did with our first IVF (because it finally felt like the one thing that could work!), and I just refused to feel bad about that hope. I just tried to be realistic with it.

GOOD LUCK!!!!!!

krissyh21 · September 2011

My husband was "for sure it would work" for all my cycles. I am not 100% convinced he truly believed that or was just being rah-rah for my sake. When the call came that the cycles failed he was not devestated, but rah-rah again. It was just how he felt he needed to deal with it all. As we all know, we all get by this thing differently. He is not going to be *more* devestated by being positve going into it, but it will hurt! But who knows - maybe he knows something you don't Wink

Lot's of luck!

njdcgirl · September 2011

Optimistic is good....the way I try to look at it is that optimistic or pessimistic - the outcome is already decided, you know. You might as well be optimistic then. Either way, it is hugely disappointing/devestating when it doesn't work. My first cycle I was sooo excited. Then a c/p was crushing. The second cycle I tried to protect my heart, but it was still devestating to get a BFN. They just suck. Hard.

I think that if DH knows the odds (which it sounds like he does) then there's not much else you can "do" to quell the optimism. And, I truely hope that one cycle is all it takes for you - I know how much you've all been through and am very excited that you and your husband are ready to move forward!!

Lizard1131 · September 2011

I am not a very positive person...I am just not built that way. BUT when we did IVF for DD2...I made myself visualize a pee stick with 2 lines before I went to bed and before I got up for the day. I really think it helped in some corny way. IDK. It is so tough.

stepgirl21 · September 2011

Hi MoFree! So glad to hear that you are getting ready to cycle. How exciting. I was one of the lucky ones and got pg with my first IVF but i knew through the whole process there were no guarantees. For me, I just had to think long term. That just b/c we may not get pg on the first try, there is still hope and we can try again. I'm sure you have but just be positive when talking about it w/ your H while still preparing him that it might not happen on the first try.

perry7285 · September 2011

this is SUCH a tough one. definitely no easy answers.

i think i stayed sane by trying to focus on each day as it came and each day do everything i could to increase my chances (i did andrew weil's anti-inflammatory diet, acupuncture, yoga, and meditation). during the 2ww i was actually pretty pessimistic, thinking that it hadn't worked, which probably would have cushioned the blow if i got a BFN. i was very lucky and got a BFP the first time.

best of luck!!!

kimarino13 · September 2011

Hey lady!

For me, I tried to remain hopeful. Hopeful that it just might work, but FULLY aware that it might not, or that I might have a chemical (ugh, or 3). I was probably more "negative" than most, but I called it "realistic."

Ali212 · September 2011

kimarino13:
Hey lady!
For me, I tried to remain hopeful. Hopeful that it just might work, but FULLY aware that it might not, or that I might have a chemical (ugh, or 3). I was probably more "negative" than most, but I called it "realistic."

I'm quite similar to Kim. I didn't think of myself as a negative person at all but as realistic and, for me, that was better than trying to be so positive and be completely disappointed. Unfortunately for me, it took 4 rounds of IVF for it to work for me so I needed a healthy does of realism to get myself powered up and through it so many times. GL!

roselln2 · September 2011

I think it's really great that you have a realistic mindset about the IVF odds, and it's good to remind him that it isn't a sure thing. I wouldn't get him or you convinced that it's sure failure either. I found it most helpful to just focus on the next step as it came. It was also helpful to talk to my husband at each step, including the bad news, and talk about what we were willing to do if it didn't work. In other words, how far were we willing to go. That helped to keep the dialogue open while also being forward looking. Good luck, M!

newsbaby · September 2011

I wish I coukd help you but Im a huge pessimist. I just wanted to say GOOD LUCK and I am so happy that yiu are finally cycling!!!!!

MBandBud · September 2011

I don't think you can/should change his viewpoint. I look at it this way: will you/he be any less disappointed if it doesn't work if you are not optimistic? I don't think the optimism can hurt you; that doesn't mean YOU need to be as optimistic. I mean, if he started buying stuff than maybe I'd be concerned, but if optimism keeps him moving fwd, I would just let it be. That doesn't mean you need to feed it. I never thought our IVF would work. Best wishes!

Fancy3Face · September 2011

I'm not much help because I was debbie downer the whole time, sure it wouldn't work. My H was the reason I didn't crash and burn emotionally. I got WAY too caught up in stats and percentages (I hope to be more chill for my fet next year). My anxiety was out of control. He kept me grounded and helped me through the stress of it all. Your H sounds smilar, like he's an optimist. While I don't think you can necessarily change your feelings, fears, etc (because they are completely normal) you CAN lean on him and let him help you through it.

I wouldn't think too much about a failed cycle at this point. I do know how hard that is. My H is in the military and I tried to apply the same mentality and habits I do when he's gone for long periods of time. I picked out things on my calendar (unrelated to the cycle/him being away) to look forward to-BBQ's, holiday, family/friend parties/events, etc. It made me excited and I feel like having fun things to do in the midst of my cycle helped my calm my crazy a tad I know not everyone operates like that, but it seemed to work for me.

GL and think good thoughts

gringa78 · September 2011

My DH was always more positive than I was...he always felt it would work, I never did. I was at my lowest emotionally when I cycled successfully for my DD...I honestly had no hope. I cried the morning I took my pregnancy test because I was SURE it would be negative. It was a BFP. I then cried the whole way to the RE's office for the u/s 3 weeks later. There was one beautiful heartbeat. It's hard to shake those negative feelings, but remember they don't really have any bearing on your pregnancy. It was hard on DH and I because we dealt with it so differently - I don't have any advice on how to remedy that - it's complicated, you know?

I also don't have any advice to increase optimism because I was a total Debbie Downer...but I will say that it can work if you keep trying. I know not for everyone, but for a lot of people.

Hang in there and good luck!!

lovemymonkey · September 2011

first of all, I'm so excited that you are cycling soon!! Good luck!!!

as for any advice... I think it's impossible to not be hopeful every time you start a cycle, whether it's your first or your fifth. I think I'm a pretty optimistic person, but I'm also very emotional so I always tried to temper my optimism, just in case. DH, on the other hand, thought every cycle was "it" and was always so heartbroken when it wasn't, but he always got over it and was hopeful again when the next cycle started.

I don't really believe that "thinking positive" will make it happen, I believe that when it's your time, it will happen... but thinking positive and being hopeful is never a bad thing. :-)

good luck!

Dragonfly1226 · September 2011

Hi hon! I am so excited to hear that you are going to be cycling soon! You and your dh have been through so much to get here. I think it is really hard to balance trying to be optimistic with wanting to be realistic. I know it may sound cliche, but it really helped me to take the cycle day by day. One day I would wake up sure it would work. The next I would be in tears because I couldn't see how it cold possible work. Honestly, I didn't let myself think past the ER until the ER was done. Then I thought about the ET. Then the first beta... I tried not to get ahead of myself. No matter what happens, you and your dh must be so strong to make it through everything you have already. I know you will make it through IVF too. Sending tons of T&Ps that your first IVF brings you a sticky BFP!

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