Tell me about your joint custody arrangement....

mdotm0904 · September 2011

Hi ladies! Still trying to get adjusted to this motherhood thing, I haven't cried in a couple of days so I guess that's a good sign. We'll see what happens once my mom goes back to work this week though & I'm on my own lol.

Anyway, I've been doing lots of thinking about the impending custody case that I have coming up & I'm pretty sure he filed for joint custody (I'm still waiting to be served to see if he actually filed for joint or sole). And other than the fact that our baby is a freakin newborn and needs to be with the mother right now, there's no reason why he shouldn't (& prob wouldn't be awarded some sort of joint custody in the future.) I've never been opposed to a joint custody schedule (down the line naturally)...just not a 50/50 week on/week off thing like he has with his other kids (which I'm sure he wants. He just keeps saying he wants 50/50).

The information website that Legal aid gave me said that joint custody is when the child has two residences & the child spends At least 35% of time with the other parent. Im still trying to figure out how a child can technically have "two" residences (what address do you use for school forms, which parent gets to claim the child on taxes, whose health insurance does the child go on, and other things like that?) I'm still trying to find a lawyer that will work out a payment Plan because I have no money (we're actually close to losing our house if we can't figure things out soon) & I'm afraid of doing pro se (even though I know People do it all the time).

So just out of curiosity, for anyone who has a joint custody arrangement, how do you have it split? 50/50? 65/35? When does the dad get the kids? (week on/week off? EOW?)

I'm also pretty annoyed that just because he's not on the birth certificate & has initiated a custody case, he's decided he won't have anything to do with her for now. He hasn't seen her since the day before I left the hospital (the night we had our blow up which was 2wks ago). No calls or emails. (and i refuse to email or call him with updates about her!) If he cares so much about her that he needs to file for custody, wouldn't you have checked on her by now? Asked how a doc's appt has gone or SOMETHING!!! stupid male ego (sorry just had to rant)

EDIT: i was on my phone so i put in paragraphs & fixed minor typos

PrettyInPearls23 · September 2011

Have you been documenting his lack of involvement so far? I know your LO isn't very old, but it could possibly help you in a custody battle.

My XH moved out when DS was 8 months old. We agreed to EOW visitation, which is still pretty generous for that young of a child. Looking back at my log, I can easily see that XH took DS for his weekends 4 times between September and January 1st. After I filed for divorce, he started sticking to the schedule. When our temporary orders were established, I was given full physical custody and we had joint legal custody. XH has EOW visitation (Friday evening to Sunday evening) and Wednesday evening visitation (he chooses not to utilize this time so far). The same parenting schedule is in our final papers.

I can almost guarantee that your X will not get 50/50 custody of a newborn. I'm willing to bet he's fighting it because of how child support will be calculated. I understand he has 50/50 with his other children, but they aren't newborns either. He needs to understand that, and maybe it'll take talking to someone at court/mediation to realize this.

mdotm0904 · September 2011

thanks Prettyinpearls, i know 50/50 isn't even going to be an option! (still a fear, but i'm guessing an irrational one at this point) And like you, I was willing to offer EOW & a day during the week (once she reached about 9months or so) but in the meantime, a couple of hours every other day or everyday to visit/feed/bathe her while she's a newborn/infant...guess that wasn't good enough for him. Why are men so afraid of child support?! The things they do to avoid it!

Also, how do i document his lack of involvement so far? Did you just write on a calendar which days your XH saw/asked about LO?

PrettyInPearls23 · September 2011

momack86:

thanks Prettyinpearls, i know 50/50 isn't even going to be an option! (still a fear, but i'm guessing an irrational one at this point) And like you, I was willing to offer EOW & a day during the week (once she reached about 9months or so) but in the meantime, a couple of hours every other day or everyday to visit/feed/bathe her while she's a newborn/infant...guess that wasn't good enough for him. Why are men so afraid of child support?! The things they do to avoid it!

Also, how do i document his lack of involvement so far? Did you just write on a calendar which days your XH saw/asked about LO?

:::Deleted what was written here yesterday so my "spies" don't run and tell XH what I wrote::::

And yes, it can be extremely stressful and overwhemling when you don't have anything "official" in place for custody/visitation. Just try to stay calm and know that your LO won't be taken away from you. A few hours every few day is a great parenting plan for a LO her age, and it's a shame your X isn't seeing that. Maybe find an article from a child psychologist (or something similiar) about the different stages of development and what kind of visitiation is appropriate.

Good luck!

CPA04 · September 2011

We have joint legal custody, I have sole physical while XH has visitation EOW (Saturday morning - Sunday afternoon).

XH lives over a hundred miles away, so we can't do any short, frequent visits like I would prefer.

I would suggest checking out the book "Creating Effective Parenting Plans" by Brenda Payne & John Hartson. It goes through each age and what an ideal arrangement would be for a child at that point in time. It also has discussions about why the plan is structured the way it is and gives you a little more credibility than making up your own schedule. You can demonstrate that you've gone the extra mile to research what is best for LO. I also talked with several child psychologists in my area about my specific situation in order to have an impartial professional guide me to ensuring DS's best interests were first and foremost in any plan we devised.

HTH!

blissfullyignorant · September 2011

I recently split with my STBXH. We split 50/50 - or as close to it as we could get. DS goes to daycare M, W, and F. I have him Sunday drop him at daycare Monday. X picks him up and keeps him overnight Monday. Drops him off with me Tues morning on his way to work. I keep him until Thursday evening when he spends that night plus Friday night with X. We alternate Sat nights. I have him 3 nights one week then 4 nights the next. I have Tues and Thurs off from work so I stay with him all day.

We did it that way because I work late Mondays and Thursdays.

The other stuff you just have to decide. It isn't determined by residence. X has always had DS on his insurance so he'll keep that. We will alternate years for getting to claim him on taxes. When it comes time for school we'll use whatever address is in the best school area.

There's no way anyone is going to get 50/50 with a newborn though. I'm totally going to check out the book the PP mentioned. It looks good!

mdotm0904 · September 2011

Thanks for the input everyone. I have a consult with another lawyer tomorrow & hopefully that will putty mind at ease about things. And I definitely want to read that book, was hoping my local library had it so I wouldn't have to pay close to $50 online for it, but I guess that's a small price to pay considering what's at stake.

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