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Parenting after 35
Connecting with other parents
Hi - my last comments in my below post regarding helping Ellie make friends kind of sparked a thought that I have been meaning to ask you ladies.
Do you find it more difficult to connect with other parents, particularly the parents of your child's friends? DH and I have noticed that the parents we encounter, like at her preschool or soccer or whatever, are all younger than us, usually by a good 10 years. I know there are lots of people having children later in life but none of them seem to live near us, lol!
I always thought that once my children started getting old enough for school and other activities that I would meet new people and possibly make a couple of friends with the parents of their friends. My MIL is still best friends with all the moms of her daughter's friends and her daughter is 30 now! Anyway, DH and I don't really seem to be able to connect with any of the parents we've run into so far and I think some of it has to do with the fact that they are younger than us and generally into different things, at a different point in life, etc. Or maybe we are just lame?
Anyone else have this experience?
Eleanor Paige, born 3/27/08
Noah Christopher, born 10/2/10
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Connecting with other parents
I totally agree. When I think about it, I don't have a lot of female friends in general.. let alone ones that are parents of little ones.
I think it takes more than just assuming that you'll warm up to people and eventually becoming friends. It takes more of an active approach. I currently go to my church's weekly playgroup and am starting to make a few girlfriends there. (Yep.. they're all younger than me by at least 10 years). Once I kind of figure out who I really like, I plan to start inviting those people to play dates and other non-baby activities.
Then again, I'm a huge, lame-azz introvert and am perfectly fine living in my cave.
My LO just started daycare a few weeks ago. My LO is one of the first to be dropped off (and not quite the last to be picked up), so we don't really see the other parents. The parents we do see, it's more of a "hi, bye" thing. Not a lack of interest on either party's end, it's just we're too busy. I don't get the impression that the other parents are BFF's with each other.
I don't know, I'm not looking for new mommy-friends right now so I haven't give it much thought. I have a hard enough time trying to get together with the friends I have now (all without kids). Some new mommy-friends down the line would be great, but I'm ok for now.
DS is too young to have any friends, but I have thought about this because I still occasionally meet up with the mom's group I joined during my maternity leave and they are all way younger than I am. And wouldn't you know it, the one "older" mom I was becoming friendly with moved. I do want to keep this connection though, because they all live fairly close to me and with babies near the same age, I see them as potential playdates for DS. Hard to say whether or not any of these women will become "friends" down the road. Most of them are SAHM and I work, so I don't get to hang out with them as often as they hang out with each other.
I actually have several close friends who are 8 years younger than I am, but we became friends through work so we had that common bond even before we had babies. I also have friends my age who are still having babies. While I don't see myself hanging out with women in their 20s, my friends in their early 30s are pretty much on the same page as I am so I don't really notice an age difference.
Maybe you will have a better connection with other moms once DD goes to kindergarten and is part of a class where they do more socializing, inviting kids over to play, birthday parties, etc. My mom met her best friend through me, when my (still) good friend and I met in kindergarten.
SugarChick you make a good point - I doubt we'd be able to do much to foster these friendships if they did arise anyway since we hardly have time to see the friends we have. What makes me think about it is my MIL; she is still so close to several women, all of whom she met when they all had little girls in kindergarten. But then again, she didn't work back then, nor did any of the other moms, so they were really actively involved in school, so maybe they spent more time together.
The truth is, I have some good friends but none of them live in the same state as me. And the friends we do have locally are really DH's friends who I've become friends with through him, but the truth is we probably would never have been friends otherwise; we don't have much in common. So I think I just miss having female friends around to call and visit and hang out with. And if they had kids the same age as mine, even better, because we could do playdates and kill two birds with one stone.
Oh well - at least if I don't have an active social life I can spend my precious free time Bumping and playing computer games at night, lol!
Exactly! This is a great question/discussion. I think about it a lot too. My guy is still too young for preschool and is with a sitter instead of daycare so I worry about him interacting with other toddlers too. Plus I'm happy to spend what little time I have with my H and DS right now. Sigh. Maybe I have another year or two to worry about socialization...for both of us!
I didn't read the responses, so I don't know what everyone else said.
I have found most of my friends through church in the last couple of years (10). A couple of really good friends are quite a bit younger than me, but since our kids are the same age we have lots in common. Mostly we talk about the kids....but I think that is just this stage of life. Our class recently merged with another class and everyone in the new class is younger and know each-other. It's been a bit of a rough transition, but I keep trying. Tonight we are going to a family game-night (actually it is just for the couples since the church nursery is open and will have all of the kids) and we are hoping to connect with some folks. They are all friendly enough, but most of the women SAH and met their DH in college, so our life experiences don't match-up much....that and my sense of humor is pretty dry and I think that is off-putting to lots of people...socially awkward.
Anyway, I hope it helps to know that it isn't like the rest of us are living in the Friends show while you are sitting home alone.
and this:
You are all such wise ladies!!
I have been thinking about this more yesterday evening and today. I bet this is often something that evolves as time goes by. For example, my parents never grew very close to the parents of my friends when I was younger, but they were very good friends with many of the parents they met when I was in band in high school - they were band parents and that whole group became pretty close and spent a lot of time together outside of school events. They are still friends with a few of them, but now that all of us are grown and have our own lives, they've made friends with different people through the activities they pursue now (church, Lions club, etc.). I really hope I'm able to be as involved in my children's activities as my parents were.
My parents have also always been friends with various neighbors, even as their neighborhood has evolved. But in their neighborhood, no one has fences in the back yard and everyone works on their lawn and mows their own grass, etc. In our neighborhood, we all have fences and pretty much everyone hires someone to handle the lawn work because it is too bloody hot most of the year. We have made the acquaintance of a few of our neighbors but again - we haven't really made much effort to turn it into a true friendship. It would honestly require a good bit of effort to carve out the time, so I guess I shouldn't complain about it. When my kids are older and a bit more independent, maybe we can sit out on our back patio and share martinis or wine with our neighbors!
It must be a Texas thing, b/c I've felt the same way since having Adrian and moving to San Antonio. Most of the moms in my mom groups are 10+ yrs younger than me and although they're nice, they really have little in common with me. The moms I've connected with better are (surprise, surprise!) around my age. One in particular has become good friends with me and she's about 38 (I'm 41). I think there's not much you can do about the age gap except try to go to events that older moms go to. Keep trying to join other mom groups as well and maybe you'll find older moms in one of them. The 4 women I click with most are close to my age and I've met them in my neighborhood, in mom groups and one is a friend of mine of many years. Other than that, yeah, I have a hard time making good friends. My husband too. But he works 60 hrs a week, so in his case, he just doesn't have time to nurture friendships.
I think keep trying and just go to different activities and you're bound to meet a few people you click with. And don't take it personally, not everyone is going to click with you. I learned that the hard way
I agree with this too. I think taking care of babies and toddlers is so tiring and time-consuming that it's hard to maintain friendships. I bet once the kids are older, you have more time to connect with other moms. And the kids are more independent, which means you can relax and talk to other moms while your kids play instead of interrupting your conversation every 5 seconds to chase after a toddler!
Yes, it is a bit different. I have 2 good friends who are in their late 30's that I have known for years. We have playdates with their kids. Luckily, the two kids are close in age to Gracie.
I stay at home and find it difficult to connect with other mothers. We go to playgrounds and swim class but it feels like you chat a bit and that's it. I am not super agressive and probably wouldn't ask someone to do a playdate I just met. I keep hoping I will meet some more moms!