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STBXH drama. WWYD?

eturpeturp member
in Single Parents
I found out H was cheating on me about 3 weeks ago. I filed papers and he has already been served. Right now I'm in school and so H watches DS those 2 nights. Additionally, I agreed to him coming over to our house (where I'm living with DS now) to do occasional overnights-and I would go stay at my mom's house on those nights. Tonight was his first overnight visit. He came over at 3:00 when I had to go to work. I got off at 6:00 and had planned on running an errand and meeting people for dinner at 7:00. Before dinner I just had this gut feeling that I needed to drive by the house and make sure everything was okay so I did. Well, turns out the girl he cheated on me with was at the house. I took a picture of her car, called my lawyer and called H to let him know she wasn't welcome there, especially since he didn't clear it with me. He claims she was just dropping off food for him and didn't come inside (I don't believe that for a second). H doesn't have permission (or a carseat even if he did have permission) from the divorce papers to leave the house with DS. However, he has known about this overnight for 2 weeks and could and should have prepared. I told him after tonight he would no longer be getting voluntary overnights (and since DS is still so young and BFed no court will give him overnights anyways). My lawyer said since no parenting plan is in place yet, I have every right to take those overnights away from him. I truly am trying to think of what is in DS's best interest (as much as I want nothing to do with H) but I'm starting to wonder, this is probably at least the tenth lie I've caught him in since this whole thing started and frankly I don't trust him around our son, so what IS in DS's best interest? Have any of you experienced something similar with your ex? Did it affect your custody agreement? When I told a friend of mine, she suggested getting a nanny cam so I would know exactly what's going on when H is with him (and who is there). If I caught him violating the agreement in some way (having people over, taking DS out of the house, etc.) what would I do then? Do I have any legal legs to stand on to fight for supervised visits only? Any advice is MUCH appreciated! 
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Re: STBXH drama. WWYD?

  • HisChamaoleGirlHisChamaoleGirl member

    She was in your home? I would be livid ...

     Anyways, I would take any advice your lawyer gives and stay within those limitations. What did your lawyer say about the nanny cam suggestion? I would hate for you to go through with it and have it bite you in the a-- later if recording him ended up being illegal

    BFP #1 11/07/2012 EDD 07/09/2013 M/C 11/22/2012

    BFP #2 02/05/2013 EDD 09/19/2013 Arrived via c-section 09/27/2013

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  • PrettyInPearls23PrettyInPearls23 member
    To be completely honest, your first mistake was allowing your STBXH to have visitation in your home while you're not there. You two are separated. If he wants to see your son, he can do it on his own time in his own home. Period. As you said, DS is still too young for overnights. Take them away until a court order is in place.
     
    As far as what is in your son's best interests....at this age, shorter, more frequent visits are what is best for him. 2-3 times per week, for a few hours each time. You will not get supervised visits just because you don't trust him to bring other people around. Your STBXH would need to be an unfit parent (drug, alcohol use, etc.) in order to be granted supervised visits.
     
    You need to establish clear boundaries/ground rules and STICK TO THEM. No visits in your home. No overnights. But, as far as telling him who he can bring around DS, that's really beyond your control.

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  • DarthNBJenniDarthNBJenni
    imagePrettyInPearls23:
    To be completely honest, your first mistake was allowing your STBXH to have visitation in your home while you're not there. You two are separated. If he wants to see your son, he can do it on his own time in his own home. Period. As you said, DS is still too young for overnights. Take them away until a court order is in place.
     
    As far as what is in your son's best interests....at this age, shorter, more frequent visits are what is best for him. 2-3 times per week, for a few hours each time. You will not get supervised visits just because you don't trust him to bring other people around. Your STBXH would need to be an unfit parent (drug, alcohol use, etc.) in order to be granted supervised visits.
     
    You need to establish clear boundaries/ground rules and STICK TO THEM. No visits in your home. No overnights. But, as far as telling him who he can bring around DS, that's really beyond your control.

    Unless it's in your court order! The standard for where I live is no paramours are allowed to be with the children while marital litigation is taking place.

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  • eturpeturp member
    imagePrettyInPearls23:
    To be completely honest, your first mistake was allowing your STBXH to have visitation in your home while you're not there. You two are separated. If he wants to see your son, he can do it on his own time in his own home. Period. As you said, DS is still too young for overnights. Take them away until a court order is in place.
     
    As far as what is in your son's best interests....at this age, shorter, more frequent visits are what is best for him. 2-3 times per week, for a few hours each time. You will not get supervised visits just because you don't trust him to bring other people around. Your STBXH would need to be an unfit parent (drug, alcohol use, etc.) in order to be granted supervised visits.
     
    You need to establish clear boundaries/ground rules and STICK TO THEM. No visits in your home. No overnights. But, as far as telling him who he can bring around DS, that's really beyond your control.

    Actually, because STBXH has no baby equipment at his place and also because he is so young, it specifically states in our divorce papers that all visitation must take place in our home. And according to my lawyer since that home is my place of residence I do have say over who is allowed in the home and who is not. If STBXH were taking DS to the park or other public space then that would be different but this is my home and I am fully allowed to control who is around DS within those walls.  

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