XP - 3yo not paying attention - should I be worried?

ScoobyM · September 2011

I posted about this on the Preschool board, but wanted to get your insights as well, if possible.

My 3yo DD does not pay attention. She frequently ignores me and DH when we speak to her and goes about her business when we tell her to get shoes on, come to dinner, etc. Today, during her second week of preschool, she apparently did the same thing with her teacher, repeatedly ignoring instructions to join the group activity and doing her own thing most of the time. During the summer, she was in an indoor soccer league and at most games and practices, she was the only kid who was wandering around downfield while everyone else was chasing the ball and trying to get in a kick or two, and at the dance class she just started, she pretty much paid no attention to the teacher showing them moves and just danced to her own tune while watching herself in the mirror.

I have mostly attributed this to being 3 and being rather strong willed at that; but when I told my DH about her school day he immediately started worrying about autism. I myself started having creeping doubts about ADHD. But my rational self is saying that more likely it is just that we aren't enforcing enough discipline and structure here at home.

Does anyone have some perspective on this? Anyone have a similar experience with their preschooler? I really feel like this is just a matter of her age and our need to tighten up on discipline, but I don't want to be blind if this really is an indicator of a true problem.

Pesky · September 2011

You know, once that doubt crept in, I'd want to know one way or the other. I'd probably talk to your pediatrician or see if you can set up testing with early intervention or whatever your local public assistance is called in TX. DD's preschool teacher at age 3 swore she had a speech impediment and needed speech therapy. Given the description of the problem, I thought the teacher was looney-tunes and it was ordinary speech development. But I didn't want to ignore a potential problem and had her tested. Turns out I was right but I did feel a LOT better knowing 100% there wasn't a problem, just as I would have if there was a problem and that I caught it early enough to do something about it. I will say we have had a problem with DD not listening but usually it's not too bad.

stever · September 2011

I'm sure it's nothing but, and there is a but, that's how I was described throughout my childhood and I was DX'd with ADHD in college.

Still, I WENT to college - and a really good college at that.

Like I said, I'm really sure it's nothing but ADHD is not the end of the world.

mwd · September 2011

I agree with pp, to contact your pedi, and request that she be tested. My nephew was diagnosed as being in the autism spectrum, recieved therapy 4 days a week (covered by the state), and doing fantastic in school now. I am not saying she sounds is demonstrating anything like my nephew's behavior, but it certianly won't hurt to have her tested. Best thing, you may learn some different discipline techniques from some of the therapists.

funchicken · September 2011

Does she listen when it's something she really wants to do? If I tell my DD we're going to the mall, and I need her to get her shoes, she does it without my having to ask again. If I tell her we're going to the grocery store, I'll have to ask several times before she'll get her shoes. She's also very distractible, so sometimes she'll start to do something and then get distracted and forget what she's doing--I think that's normal for three.

Since it's only your DD's second week back at preschool, I'd give her a month and see if she's participating any more then. My DD was really in her own world in preschool last year, and the teachers didn't push her. They let her do her own thing a lot of the time. I had her in preschool camp every other week in the summer, and that's when I started to see her joining in for group activities more. Now, when I pick her up she's sitting in circle time along with several of the kids in her class, but not all of the kids have figured out the routine yet.

Another thing I'd think about is how big is her preschool class? What's the ratio of kids to teachers? If she's more used to one-on-one interaction, a big class with lots of kids can be very distracting. She might need time to settle in.

ScoobyM · September 2011

Thanks everyone - yesterday was a really, really tough day. She was terrible at her dance class. She just ran around and really just ignored the teacher and the rest of the kids and when I tried to round her up and either get her to pay attention or just leave the class, she started to throw a fit and yelled and everything. I had DS with me too so I couldn't just haul her out of there as I wanted to and I was highly embarrassed in front of all the other moms who's DDs were listening so nicely. After hearing that she'd had a bad day at preschool, I was just feeling like a total failure as a mother.

That said, I have realized that the dance class is not her speed. I spoke to the teacher and we're going to try one with younger kids (this one was 3-6 so she was definitely one of the youngest there) which is also less structured. I think her age combined with her personality just doesn't lend itself to this organized of a class yet. School, however, we will continue to work on. I will talk to her teacher and get her thoughts and we'll be working at home to emphasize listening, paying attention, following instructions, etc. This is only her second full week; she missed 2 days the first week because we were on vacation and then the second week included Labor Day so it was only 2 days. I think she may need a little more time to get with the program. DH and I are collaborating about how to address her behavior when she doesn't listen and hopefully that will help as well.

As for the autism fear, I got a really detailed list of traits from one of the Bumpies on the Preschool board, and looking at it I feel much less concerned about autism - she doesn't really have any of those characteristics. That said, we are going to see our pedi in a couple weeks' for DS's 1 year visit and I plan to ask him about the possibility of some sort of evaluation, just to be safe.

Just wanted to say thanks again - you have all been really helpful as usual!

ateytelb · September 2011

I doubt it it's autism. It would have been already diagnosed by this point. And it is too early to diagnose ADHD. I noticed that J. has improved dramatically between the ages of 3 and 4 in terms of paying attention. Also, he tends to listen better to his teachers and other authority figures than us. Hopefully you will see a positive change by the time she is 4, like we did.

I would talk to your pedi if you are concerned, but be careful with ADHS diagnosis and medications that may follow. I am convinced my 21 y.o. has something like this, but I didn't get her the diagnosis on purpose. I figured she would refuse to do her school/work related activities without medication (like 50% of her HS classmates did), and she would blame all failures on her diagnosis. It still takes her much longer than it takes others to prepare for her exams/write papers etc., but she is managing w/o medication and she is fine.

ateytelb · September 2011

Just read your last post. Have you thought of trying a martial art class instead of dancing? I like it how in J.'s tae kwon do class they have teachers designated to bringing back 3 y. olds that are running away from the group, while the main instructor continues teaching. They also have a "mental" part of the class where they teach kids to pay attention and listen to their parents.

ScoobyM · September 2011

You know, I just drove past a new Tae Kwon Do place this afternoon and caught myself wondering if Ellie would enjoy it. On one hand I thought if she can't stay focused enough for dancing, how on Earth could I expect her to have the discipline required for martial arts? But then I thought maybe it would be a way to help her learn more self control. I think if they had the type of setup you're describing where there are teachers prepared to deal with runaway 3 year olds, then it might work. Part of the problem with her dance class is there were about 13 kids aged 3-6 and only one teacher, and it's only 40 min. So the teacher pretty much just had to plow on through her lesson without being able to work with kids who weren't really getting the moves OR to deal with kids who weren't cooperating.

Ellie is still not much of a joiner - she loves being around other kids but doesn't really play "with" them yet - she's still more into parallel play I guess, and that is especially true with a bigger group. Of course, she wants DH and I to play WITH her all the time! She does a lot better with one or two kids. Maybe I need to try and help her work on fostering some friendships and have playdates and things? We haven't really done that much so far; most of our friends' kids are either older or younger by a year or more and we all work and do our own thing on weekends, so we don't really set up playdates with them. I was thinking she'd make friends at school last year but she never really mentioned anyone in particular and we didn't click with any of the other parents. It would be great if she'd connect with one or two of the kids and we could invite them over.

KerryHS · September 2011

I agree with what previous posters have said about getting your daughter checked out just to be on the safe side. I think you have gotten any advice that I would have given so I am not going to repeat any of it. Just some words of reassurance. The behavior that you are describing is really similar to what I noticed about my neice and my nephew (not related to each other -- different sides of the family). Neither would listen. They seemed to ignore their parents -- it was almost as if they had a hearing problem. DH and I were really appalled watching it happened. You know what -- they just grew out of it. Their respective parents stayed on top of it and they just got better. At 4 they were way better and now at age 5 they are in Kindergarten and they are doing great. Kids just mature at such different rates. It doesn't make it easy while you are going through it, but sometimes it just passes. Good luck.

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