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Need different opinions...

cecee36cecee36
in Pre-School and Daycare

My friend and her husband are in the process of adopting a 3 year old little girl.  Long story short, her first 3 years of life haven't been the best but now that she's in the care of my friend and her husband, she's absolutely thriving.  Everyone is pleased with how well she's doing, including her doctors, case workers, and therapists.  My friend has gone from a working career woman to a stay-at-home mom all within a matter of months and it's starting to take a toll on her.  She needs a "break" from the day-to-day grind of mommyhood and is interested in getting her daughter socialized.  She asked me about part-time preschools as well as extra curricular activities like dance, young chef's academy and playgroups.  I happily provided the information as I know what it's like to be with my daughter day in and day out.  Having said that, every time she's asked for a suggestion, I've given it but she and her husband never follow through.  For instance, when she asked about the dance class, I told her but she said that her husband said their daughter couldn't go because "she doesn't know how to tell grown ups when she's hurting".  I never want to challenge people's decisions about their children so my husband and I just kept quiet.  I find myself in a tight spot because my friend tells me how worn out she is and how she wishes there was something her daughter could do to meet and play with other kids and how she needs a break, but if every time they come up with a reason as to why she can't participate, I don't know how much of a help I can be.  I'm wondering what you guys think; maybe I need a different perspective.  I'm hoping you guys can give me a different point of view.  Thanks! 

PS: I will have a conversation with my friend about it should the subject come up again but before I do, I'd like to have as many opinions about it as I can since I may be overlooking something.   

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Re: Need different opinions...

  • kmhunt11kmhunt11 member
    Maybe you could do a babysitting swap once a week.  You take a couple of hours off one morning, and your friend does the next day.  Your kids can play, and your friend can get used to letting go for a few hours with someone you can trust.  You could even make it about you.  "I really could use some 'me' time."  I'm guessing your DD is in preschool, so it might be hard to schedule unless she's half days or only a few days a week.  At 3, most activities involve the parents, right?  Our favorite thing to do was toddler yoga.  It was mostly free play with a little bit of circle time and yoga stretching that I did with DD.  Almost all the community centers around here have open gym times when the kids come play on the mats, etc.  It sounds like your friend is learning how to be a mommy with a 3 year old, while the rest of us are desensitized (relatively) by 3 years old.  I can't imagine if someone had plopped DD in my lap as is right now.  I'd probably hand her back- jk of course- it's been a rough week :)  Your friend might just need more time to get comfortable as a mommy before she's ready to do stuff.   
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  • n&bcarlsonn&bcarlson
    I know it can be tough with kids who have a troubled background.  I worked with kids in group homes before, who had all sorts of things that had happened to them, and if I had been adopting one of them, I would have been tempted to be very sheltering.  But it sounds like they might be a little too overprotective, and that some of the excuses are coming from their fears and not her abilities.  For example, I've never heard of a dance class where the parents can't at least watch through a window in the next room.  Do they really think something could happen to her and no one would know she was hurt, when mom is watching from the next room?  And how is she ever going to learn to tell grown ups there is a problem if she has mom there to speak for her 24/7?  And with playgroups or library story or craft times, the parents stay right there with them, but have a chance to talk to other adults, too.  The worst thing they can do for their daughter is let mom get burnt out and keep their daughter from doing the normal things that kids her age love to do.  To me, it sounds like your friends need to put their fears aside and let her give things a try.
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  • cecee36cecee36
    Thanks for the advice, ladies!  I thought I was being a bit desensitized but I also know the difference between that and overprotective.  They also refuse to leave her in the care of her parents or sisters for a weekend while she and her hubby have a quick "getaway".  I keep trying to explain to her the importance of alone time, which again, she desperately wants, but they will not leave her behind.  
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  • m_and_mm_and_m

    Not knowing the full background it's hard to say, but maybe they just aren't *ready* to put her into classes or some such thing. Maybe they're suffering from sticker shock over the cost of toddler activities.  I wouldn't push it, but just listen. She probably needs somebody to just commiserate and let her vent right now, but in the future when they are ready they will have a good idea of their options.

    As far as not leaving her for a weekend, that's not strange to me at all. DD has been with me since the day she was born and I still wouldn't leave her for a weekend away. We've left her overnight with my mom twice, and not at all until she was over the age of 3. We're *thinking* about going away for 2 full days (1 overnight) in the next couple of months but nothing has really been planned yet. It's about all of us- two nights away from us would be rough on her but I think she would be okay if she was busy and doing lots of fun stuff. As far as DH and I are concerned, we just don't have a strong desire to leave her and your friends might feel the same way, in spite of stress and overwhelming responsibilities.

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