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February 2012 Moms
The Modern Career vs Motherhood Debate
Hi, ladies. I'm wondering if anyone else is debating with themselves the same way I am. This is my first successful (so far, fingers crossed) pregnancy after miscarriages and I'm 30. I'm divided when it comes to working after the birth of the baby. Not that I have the luxury to NOT work, its more full-time vs. part time.
I've read a lot of cultural/scientific studies and have come to believe that a child having at least one parent as the primary care giver in the home seems to have the greatest positive impact on intelligence, familial bonds, and overall emotional well-being. This is of course, assuming the parent is emotionally stable and wants to be home to teach and rear the child. This is my personal opinion, obviously isn't possible for most people these days, and certainly doesn't mean a child can't turn out wonderfully if this isn't the caretaking structure.
For me though, I have held this belief for years and wanted this for my family whether it be me or my husband at home, and honestly I always thought it would be me and I would devote myself totally to motherhood when the time came. Maybe I'm a control freak 
My dilemma is 1. now that I have to work at least part-time I'm kind of sad that it will most likely be "just a job" and not something that will challenge me or have much to do with what I dreamed of for myself in terms of a career. 2. if I do work full-time I might get more fulfillment from that part of my life, but will doing that be at the expense of my bonding and relationship with the baby I have wanted for so long?
It kills me to think of someone else spending all day with my baby; I want that time with him or her! How do all these super successful career women with children do everything and not end up feeling a little guilty? I guess its an age old debate now, but how do we as women decide between career and motherhood?
I mean let's face it, if we work we are still the ones, not dads, who end up taking the most time off for the child's needs throughout their life and suddenly seem less "valuable and committed" to the company we work for and don't contribute to the economy/society at the same level as men. If we get a grandparent, nanny, daycare, etc. to cover childcare during the work week are are seen as distant, uncommitted mothers. How do we do both and not have someone (kid, spouse, our parents) resent us?
-Stephanie A.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: The Modern Career vs Motherhood Debate
This is definitely something that has plagued me as well. I am the primary "bread winner" in our marriage in the sense that my job is more stable than my husband's, who works freelance. Still I am fortunate enough to be able to take extended time off after the baby is born. But I am not in a position to stay home indefinitely. I have been toying with the idea of requesting a part time position at my job when I do come back, but even then we would have to pay for day care so it would hurt a lot more if my salary is significantly less than it would have been. I don't know what the right thing to do is, but I reassure myself that there have also been studies that show that children in daycare / preschool from an early age adjust to social situations better and thrive in other ways.
My mom was a SAHM and I would love to be able to do the same for my child(ren), but it just isn't feasible with my husband's and my current job situation. I think there are pros and cons to both sides, and every couple has to do what works for them and their child and just hope for the best. It's all we can do.
I think it has to be what works best for you and your SO. Work is important for me and I have worked hard to get to the point where I am.
I feel that I will just need to make the time I spend with the LO as quality as possible. But what I have seen more than anything is that LO's in daycare seem to very social and develop a little faster because they spend so much time with other kids their age.
And as they get older it is making them and their events a priority.
Obviously, this is a completely personal choice that is unique to you and your feelings, along with your SO. But if you're looking for others' perspectives I can tell you mine. I have a FT career (not a job), as does my husband. Though I considered scaling back after DD was born, I ultimately decided not to.
First of all, as far as "we are seen as distant, uncommitted mothers..." I honestly don't care what anyone else thinks of me and my ability to mother my child. I know that I'm a committed mother, period. I couldn't be more bonded to my daughter. And look at it this way - for the first year of her life her bedtime was before my DH got home from work, so he spent only an hour or so with her most days M-F. Does that make her any less of a daddy's girl now? Does anyone judge him for "letting someone else raise his kid?" No. In fact, I love the fact that DH and I are 50/50 partners in parenting, as well as 50/50 contributors to our household.
I love the fact DD has bonded to several caregivers over the past three years. We've had wonderful nannies, babysitters and teachers who've each contributed to her development in different ways. Does that mean she doesn't want mommy or daddy hugs when she's upset? Uh, no. I see it as just more people in DD's life that love her, and that's a positive thing.
I love my career. To me, it's a huge part of who I am, before and after DD, marriage, etc. I feel that I'm setting a positive example of hard work and independence for my daughter. (Not that a SAHM isn't also setting a positive example, don't get me wrong!) I would probably feel very differently if I was leaving home every day to go to "just a job." My career is fulfilling in many more ways than just the paycheck.
This is an internal debate I had myself for a long time before DD was born and it's always much more complex for us than for our spouses. I remember crying, thinking "how will I do it all?" Having a DH who is a 100% partner is what makes it work for me. Best of luck as you navigate through this!
I'll be returning to my job after 10 weeks off.
We are lucky that DH works in a career that allows him to be home a lot. He works 24 hour shifts, 10 days/month. Even though the 24hr shifts are crummy, at least 1 of those shifts every week is on a weekend day when I'm home.
At first I thought this schedule was bad, because it feels like he's gone a lot, but in reality, it's the best possible situation. We both work full time, and yet our child will only be in daycare 1-2 days/week.
A+S | Met 8/24/06 | Married 9/27/08
Started TTC 12/2008 | dx PCOS 5/2009
6 failed clomid/femara/TI cycles, 1 failed clomid/ovidrel/IUI cycle
Successful Cycle: 5/12/11 - 1000mg Metformin + 100mg Clomid(late response) + TI = BFP
2/13/12 - We proudly welcomed our daughter, Hadley Teresa!
Lots of Luck to all of 3T/IF
I think you just have to decide what you are comfortable with for your child and make your decision based on that. It's a personal choice but I don't agree that anyone who has their child in daycare or with a nanny/grandparents is viewed as "distant" or "uncommitted". Pretty much every mom I know works and they have never been called these things just because they have a job. On the other hand I know plenty of mom's who don't work, have a nanny and ARE distant to their children. It all depends on the woman and how she treats motherhood.
I don't think having a job in any way makes you appear like less of a mother or makes you less valuable at work then a man. My parents rotated who would take off and come on my class trips. Both would find time to make it to school plays, etc. Being a working mom doesn't automatically make you a slacker at work. Again, it depends on the person and how they handle the situation. As for the guilt, I think any working parent feels it from time to time but you just have to realize you're doing the best you can for your child.
Like prior poster said this is such a personal decision and we can all only share our spin on it.
For me working full time for the next 5 years means I won't have to work again and my husband can start his own business that we have been dreaming of. Choosing to stay home now and then jumping back into my profession isn't really an option. So for now I have to work full time. Yes I am missing special moments with my little one and feel guilty like you mention. I just try to not dwell on it and give her 100% of my attention when we are together.
I also feel that being home/available for the rest of their lives is just as important.
I am a working mom and don't regret it one bit. I worked very hard to get to where I am in my career (lawyer) and it is part of what makes me who I am....so I would never give that up. I also believe that I am setting an amazing example for my children that just because I am a woman doesn't mean I can't "do it all" just like Daddy. Of course, to make it work, we alternate who takes a day off when my son is sick, we have our whole weekends totally devoted to our son (and soon to be daughter), we have a maid that comes once a week, yardguys.....basically anything that makes our homelife easier so that we have as much time with our kids as possible. It works perfectly fine. He is just as well rounded (if not more) than my friends who stay at home w their kids and is just as loving and affectionate with me as they are w their moms.
You have to do what's right for you and your family, but please don't let societal norms affect your decision too much.
This is such a hard decision, but not necessarily one that has to be made right now. You can choose at this time to take maternity leave, go back to work after bonding for a few months, and decide when you're in the midst of it. I honestly don't think many people truly know how they will feel about working vs. staying home before they have tried both (i.e. maternity leave, then going back to work for a while and deciding when LO is a few months old).
I, personally, loved maternity leave, but can't see myself as a happy FT SAHM. I start to get bored annoyed with DD if I'm home with her just by myself for 2 days in a row and start treating her more poorly than when I am with her only in the evenings (I know that sounds really bad, but I just mean I try to find things to keep her busy so I can be alone doing my own thing or I let her watch more TV than I normally feel comfortable with).
It's all about the quality of time your kids have with you. If you feel you have better quality time when you're home more, stay home more and vice versa.
Proud working mom here too - I never for even one second considered staying at home full time. I WOULD consider working part time if that was feasible financially and benefits wise, but sadly it is not. Honestly, i would do that if I DIDN'T have kids too!
I worked really hard to get where I am, and while my job is not more important than my child, it IS an important element of who I am and I'm not willing to give that up. I can't say I've ever felt guilty about it either - yes, there were times right away that I felt slightly worried about her at daycare while we were all adjusting, but not guilty. I knew that it was just a normal transition time and we'd all get used to it, including her.
Both my husband and I are very lucky to be in flexible work environments - he takes off just as much as I do when daycare is closed or she is sick. We are 50/50 partners in everything, including parenting and that's the way that works for our marriage and family.
There are a lot of benefits that I can see to both parents working, not the least of which that I see my daughter LOVING daycare, and having more caretakers that love her and give her other perspectives on life versus just her parents. I love that she gets that time to be herself without us too - I feel it has really helped her to be fairly independent. There is still no question who her parents are, though.
I am in a circle of friends that are all working moms, and most of us were raised by working moms ourselves. This obviously makes it a lot easier, because I have a really good support network of people going through the same issues and making similar choices.
Just wanted to share my personal experience with you. I have been back at work since DD was 3 months old. My mom watched her for the first year. I think it is important for a young infant to have one-on-one attention, if possible. It was great to have family watching her, even if it couldn't be me. She just started daycare at 1yr old, and it is going great. Sure there are downsides- mainly the germs and illnesses, but overall its wonderful for her to interact with other kids. She is super social and loves the stimulation that daycare offers. The teachers come up with all sorts of games and art projects that I would never have thought of. I think she's learning a lot and is well cared for. I still wish I could be home with her, but it definitely is easier as they get older.
As far as possibly working part time (my goal as well), is it an option to go PT at your current job? I think it would be a shame to give up your career for "just a job" makes it less worth being a WM. You have to think long-term as well. Would you still want to SAH after your kids are older and are in school? Or do you want to return to your field of work? How hard would it be to do that if you were out of the field for a few years?
There's a lot of great support on the Working Moms board, I recommend you come on over!
Good luck to you on your choice. Mine was for me and my family and it has been amazing. I never have thought about it twice...expect knowing how much more money I could be bringing home. However, it doesn't out weight all the time I've had with my little buddy. My sis is the exact opposite of me and would never be good at staying at home. So everyone is different. Just remember you can always change your mind. Your decision doesn't have to be forever.
For me it's deciding that it's ok to stop working in a field that I fought so hard to establish myself in.
As a child I saw my own mother as a stay at home mom of 6 children which in my ignorance meant Dad was the smart one because he had the "job".
I've since realized how very wrong I was, but I still can't get over the feeling of not wanting my kids to view me in the same manner simply because I don't go to work every day.