MIL/DH, am I overreacting?

g00dg0llymsm0lly · September 2011

I hate my MIL. DH doesn't like her, but he loves her, if that makes sense. DH understands that she stresses me out, knows she's BSC, but I also respect that she is still his mom, and I can't pretend she doesn't exist. We've finally come to certain agreements about her after a years of fighting about it, and everything has been fine; she even briefly visited last week without too much incident. The issue isn't her- it's that I didn't realize until recently that DH actually talks to his mom much more often than I knew. I've figured out that he only calls her when he's on his way to work, or texts her when I'm in the shower, or any other time I'm not around to see or hear him do it. I caught him and called him out on it, and he came clean.

He says he does this because he knows it will stress me out to hear that he's being friendly with her, and there's probably some merit to that- but I feel hurt all the same that he goes behind my back to do it. Am I being too sensitive??

briast20 · September 2011

I think you're being too sensitive. She's his mother. He obviously wants contact with her, and he knew that you didn't, so he was probably doing it behind your back out of respect for you. You can't expect him to never talk to her. Granted, I don't know the backstory here, but if she was able to visit without incident, why shouldn't he be able to talk to her on the phone or text her or whatever? And again, I'm not sure what happened in the past, but why would it make any difference to you if he talks to her?

I would try not to make a big deal out of it. Just let him know he doesn't have to sneak around to do it.

6fsn · September 2011

He shouldn't have gone behind your back, but you put him in that position. I don't understand how him talking to her would stress you out.

LynsiBHM · September 2011

I don't think you're overreacting (from the post, anyway- idk what your conversation with him was like) but it's not like it's another woman. Maybe you need to have another conversation and get on the same page about where you stand with the relationship between you(r family) and your MIL...

gymnst1013 · September 2011

Yes, I think you are being too sensitive. She is his mother and it sounds like he is doing what he is doing out of respect for your feelings. How would you feel if you felt like you couldn't talk to your mother because it might make YH upset?

kimbo1216 · September 2011

Yes. You are being too sensitive. Whether he "likes" her or not, she is still his mother. Not to be too harsh, but I'd recommend working on your communication and your own sensitivity issues so he doesn't feel like he has to hide it.

RobynK · September 2011

It's his MOM -- he's not cheating on you by talking to another woman. Would you seriously rather he talked to her when you are around and get irritated?

Disneygeek77 · September 2011

I think you are being too sensitive too. If everytime he talks to his mom, you give him a hard time about it or you just won't shut up about it, I can see how he does it just to avoid the hassle of arguing with you.

desdemona39 · September 2011

SouthSideDrea:
What do you mean you "caught him"? Caught him talking to or texting his MOTHER? And this is a problem for you? WTF is wrong with you? Your grown husband need your what? permission or aproval to talk to his own mother?

I don't think you are too sensitive, I think you are nuts.

Yes You sound like the evil daughter-in-law we all fear having.

IrishEyes0530 · September 2011

desdemona39:
SouthSideDrea:
What do you mean you "caught him"? Caught him talking to or texting his MOTHER? And this is a problem for you? WTF is wrong with you? Your grown husband need your what? permission or aproval to talk to his own mother?

I don't think you are too sensitive, I think you are nuts.
You sound like the evil daughter-in-law we all fear having.

This. Your post is ridiculous.

taylorfriend · September 2011

You are being wayyyy too sensitive. It is his mother for crying out loud. So if your DH doesn't like your mom are you going to stop talking to her? I ihighly doubt it. Your DH shouldn't have to feel he needs to hide the fact that he talking to his mother. That's just ridiculous. You and the MIL may have different views on things, but she is always going to be around... period. You're going to have to find a way to put up with her. Now let the poor boy talk to his mommy..

sarahdee678 · September 2011

I have to agree with the other ladies that you're being too sensitive and your husband really doesn't need your permission to talk to his mom. Also, the fact that he felt he needed to go "behind your back" to talk to his mom is a problem.

However, I can totally understand where you're coming from. My MIL is BSC and was even part of the reason DH had a seizure in March. Even though I completely loathe her for everything she's done and what she's put our family through, I can't expect my husband to feel exactly the same. She's still his mom and he still loves her. He doesn't talk to her near as much as he used to, but sometimes I do get irritated when he talks to her because I think, "Look at what she's put you through. How can you even still want her in your life?" But then I remember it's his mom. And I can't get in the way with a relationship with his mom, because that makes me the bad guy.

If you ever want to share stories/vent about MIL drama without being totally flamed, send me a PM. I'll be glad to commiserate with you.

g00dg0llymsm0lly · September 2011

jackieboyd:
desdemona39:
SouthSideDrea:
What do you mean you "caught him"? Caught him talking to or texting his MOTHER? And this is a problem for you? WTF is wrong with you? Your grown husband need your what? permission or aproval to talk to his own mother?

I don't think you are too sensitive, I think you are nuts.
You sound like the evil daughter-in-law we all fear having.
This. Your post is ridiculous.

Wow, um no I didn't mean I "caught him talking to his mom" I meant "I realized he was only doing it when I was not in earshot/eyesight." I agree I'm being too sensitive, but fyi you don't know the backstory and I think "nuts" is a little bit over the top...I can see how you'd gather that by only what I wrote in the OP but trust me, this woman is a villain. She got his older brother hooked on drugs with her (now he's in prison and his daughter lives with us part time), abandoned her two youngest (DH included), and only recently has she started coming back around to the family claiming to be a changed woman. I could spend all day going on about the crazy things she says and does, but for example, he had her on speakerphone once in the car when she didn't know it and she said "It's just too bad your baby is half n***** and so is that wife of yours." (I'm mixed.) So to clarify: I'm not complaining that he's talking to her, I'm upser because he was hiding it from me. Trust me, I'm not the feared crazy DIL, she's just lovely.

Snapdragon750 · September 2011

This sounds like a complex issue between you and your husband that isn't going to be solved by other people online. You're understandably upset that your husband was hiding something from you, but try to look at it in a different light: Your husband was trying to spare your feelings. You didn't need to know how often he spoke with his mom.

I know it's not the same situation, but my mother also did some terrible things, and my dad gets upset that I have any relationship with her. I don't like her either, but I love her because she's my mom and I'll always have a relationship with her because she's the only mom I'll ever have, like it or not. It hurts when someone close to me wants me to talk to her less, even if that person wants it for my own good so that she can't hurt me again.

You've got to let your husband talk to his mother, but maybe it's best for you to "turn a blind eye" to how often he does and not ask about it because he will never stop talking to her (and it will not be psychologically healthy for him to do so), and it will likely never stop bothering you that he does. My two cents, but I'm not a marriage counselor. Couldn't hurt to see one if this continues to bother you.

g00dg0llymsm0lly · September 2011

Snapdragon750:
This sounds like a complex issue between you and your husband that isn't going to be solved by other people online. You're understandably upset that your husband was hiding something from you, but try to look at it in a different light: Your husband was trying to spare your feelings. You didn't need to know how often he spoke with his mom.
I know it's not the same situation, but my mother also did some terrible things, and my dad gets upset that I have any relationship with her. I don't like her either, but I love her because she's my mom and I'll always have a relationship with her because she's the only mom I'll ever have, like it or not. It hurts when someone close to me wants me to talk to her less, even if that person wants it for my own good so that she can't hurt me again.
You've got to let your husband talk to his mother, but maybe it's best for you to "turn a blind eye" to how often he does and not ask about it because he will never stop talking to her (and it will not be psychologically healthy for him to do so), and it will likely never stop bothering you that he does. My two cents, but I'm not a marriage counselor. Couldn't hurt to see one if this continues to bother you.

It sounds like you feel the same way about your mom as DH- Thank you for sharing. I think this is kind of what I needed to hear, even though I'll never really "get it." I know people online aren't marriage counselors, and I wasn't looking for solutions so much as perspective; sometimes it's nice to throw something out to a 3rd party when I'm "working something out" in my head; others tend to see your life logically when I'm usually blinded by my feelings. I had an inkling I was overreacting (hence the post lol) but I was feeling betrayed. for lack of a better word- I do appreciate that he was trying to avoid adding fuel to the fire by doing it in front of me. I definitely still want to talk to him about it tonight, but even though I'll never understand why he wants her in our lives after everything that she's done (and continues to do), I think I should apologize for freaking out on him earlier.

katlizabeth · September 2011

I didn't read the responses, so maybe someone already said this, but I think it's weird that he's hiding it from you. Whether that's a "you're overreacting" or he's feeling the need to do it behind your back, I think that's weird.

bundedfddf · September 2011

SPAM REMOVED

MamaViking · September 2011

g00dg0llymsm0lly:
SouthSideDrea:
What do you mean you "caught him"? Caught him talking to or texting his MOTHER? And this is a problem for you? WTF is wrong with you? Your grown husband need your what? permission or aproval to talk to his own mother?

I don't think you are too sensitive, I think you are nuts.
Wow, um no I didn't mean I "caught him talking to his mom" I meant "I realized he was only doing it when I was not in earshot/eyesight." I agree I'm being too sensitive, but fyi you don't know the backstory and I think "nuts" is a little bit over the top...I can see how you'd gather that by only what I wrote in the OP but trust me, this woman is a villain. She got his older brother hooked on drugs with her (now he's in prison and his daughter lives with us part time), abandoned her two youngest (DH included), and only recently has she started coming back around to the family claiming to be a changed woman. I could spend all day going on about the crazy things she says and does, but for example, he had her on speakerphone once in the car when she didn't know it and she said "It's just too bad your baby is half n***** and so is that wife of yours." (I'm mixed.) So to clarify: I'm not complaining that he's talking to her, I'm upser because he was hiding it from me. Trust me, I'm not the feared crazy DIL, she's just lovely.

Whaaaaaattttttt? I originally would have agreed with Drea, but this is messed up. It's an important part of the back story that you should have included with the original post. I don't understand why your husband would still want to talk to his mother after she referred to his wife and his CHILD as the "n" word. You have to draw the line somewhere.

g00dg0llymsm0lly · September 2011

AshC311:
MamaViking:

g00dg0llymsm0lly:

SouthSideDrea:

What do you mean you "caught him"? Caught him talking to or texting his MOTHER? And this is a problem for you? WTF is wrong with you? Your grown husband need your what? permission or aproval to talk to his own mother?

I don't think you are too sensitive, I think you are nuts.

Wow, um no I didn't mean I "caught him talking to his mom" I meant "I realized he was only doing it when I was not in earshot/eyesight." I agree I'm being too sensitive, but fyi you don't know the backstory and I think "nuts" is a little bit over the top...I can see how you'd gather that by only what I wrote in the OP but trust me, this woman is a villain. She got his older brother hooked on drugs with her (now he's in prison and his daughter lives with us part time), abandoned her two youngest (DH included), and only recently has she started coming back around to the family claiming to be a changed woman. I could spend all day going on about the crazy things she says and does, but for example, he had her on speakerphone once in the car when she didn't know it and she said "It's just too bad your baby is half n***** and so is that wife of yours." (I'm mixed.) So to clarify: I'm not complaining that he's talking to her, I'm upser because he was hiding it from me. Trust me, I'm not the feared crazy DIL, she's just lovely.

Whaaaaaattttttt? I originally would have agreed with Drea, but this is messed up. It's an important part of the back story that you should have included with the original post. I don't understand why your husband would still want to talk to his mother after she referred to his wife and his CHILD as the "n" word. You have to draw the line somewhere.

Yea, now that you gave more information, I'm agreeing with this post more. If my H EVER let anyone disrespect me or our child like that, I would not forgive him. I hope that he gave her an earfull for that little gem.

I get that it's his mom, but you do need to draw the line somewhere. If his mother is being outright disrespectful, rude, or is just an extremely bad influence to have in your LO's life, then maybe he needs to step back and find out if it's worth it to have her back in your lives. How do you know she's not going to call your LO the N word, or other racial slurs? How do you know she's not going to do drugs in front of her? It's a tough situation, it's his mother, and you only have one. If it was my mother and she did the things that you explained, I would cut her out of my life. That's just me though. But if she came back claiming to be a changed woman, I'd probably give her a 2nd chance. But once she blew it, that'd be it. I can understand why him speaking to her would "stress you out". I'd be terrified of someone like that being in my family's life.

It's something that we've been through a LOT to address and come to terms with- we actually spent a lot of my pregnancy setting up "MIL boundaries" after that comment. In the beginning I didn't want her involved in our lives at ALL, and she didn't even see the baby until she was 3 mos old. She and I have had our fair share of nasty blow-outs over the years at family events, and when DH started trying to explain to me that he needs to have some sort of relationship with her, he had a sit-down with her and wasn't very nice about it; he made sure she knew that she doesn't have many chances left, so she better watch herself if she wants a granddaugthter. She has never apologized to me directly, but wrote DH a letter of apology. She HAS been clean for a few years now (takes regular drug tests) but she's still a crazy person. I have seen her with DD and I know she does love her, even with her racial prejudices, but she will still never EVER be left alone with her. That crazy nursery she made in the back of her trailer? Nuh-uh. Over my dead body lol.

She and I loathe each other, but I am trying to come to terms with the fact that she's not going away any time soon. It's just hard to understand why DH still loves her even with all her crap. She's the only person I've ever truly considered punching in the face (more than once lol). I can't stop him from talking to her, but I wish he wouldn't have been hiding it from me. We talked last night and he really is "on my side," I can see that he was doing it so not to upset me rather than because he was trying to keep it from me. We reaffirmed our "lines that we've drawn," because in my eyes she doesn't deserve any more second chances. She and I will probably always fight but if she EVER says or does anything to/in front of DD she will be excommunicated from our lives, no exceptions. I even told him that I don't care if I have to leave him to do it.

Snapdragon750 · September 2011

g00dg0llymsm0lly:
It's just hard to understand why DH still loves her even with all her crap.

Because when he was a baby, she held him in his arms and loved him with all her heart, and that is something a person never forgets no matter how cruel that person is to them and their loved ones later in life, and that's not a relationship that can ever be replaced. Even by you.

MamaViking · September 2011

Snapdragon750:
g00dg0llymsm0lly:
It's just hard to understand why DH still loves her even with all her crap.
Because when he was a baby, she held him in his arms and loved him with all her heart, and that is something a person never forgets no matter how cruel that person is to them and their loved ones later in life, and that's not a relationship that can ever be replaced. Even by you.

That's completely incorrect. Do you think if you snuggle a newborn and then start abusing them as a toddler, the snuggling will have made a difference? She already said her MIL was a drug addict that abandoned her DH. His "mommy issues" surrounding that are more likely the reason he continues to seek a relationship with her. Not because she may have cuddled him as a tiny baby.

Snapdragon750 · September 2011

MamaViking:

That's completely incorrect. Do you think if you snuggle a newborn and then start abusing them as a toddler, the snuggling will have made a difference? She already said her MIL was a drug addict that abandoned her DH. His "mommy issues" surrounding that are more likely the reason he continues to seek a relationship with her. Not because she may have cuddled him as a tiny baby.

Okay fine, I was being simplistic. Sue me. You know what I meant. If you want me to get into the deep, psychological reason why a relationship with a mother's relationship with her child is completely unique and can never be replaced by any other, we can, but that would be long and boring.

It's not "Mommy issues" to want some relationship with your mother. It's normal and natural, even if she is a terrible person.

labooshki · September 2011

God forbid you ever have a son. What if he marries a girl who doesn't like you? Would you expect your son to stop talking to you?

Ok, I read the rest of the post and can see why you're upset now. Sometimes I need to scroll before a reply!

g00dg0llymsm0lly · September 2011

labooshki:
God forbid you ever have a son. What if he marries a girl who doesn't like you? Would you expect your son to stop talking to you?
Ok, I read the rest of the post and can see why you're upset now. Sometimes I need to scroll before a reply!

No big deal lol, I guess I need to include more of a backstory when posting something like that- I just assume everyone knows what a tornado my MIL is sometimes

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