I am losing it! I need help! — The Bump
Postpartum Depression

I am losing it! I need help!

I am desperate. I was previously seeing a psych doc and tried some different meds that all didn't work or started out working and then stopped. Back in Dec of '10' I tried to kill myself and went to the psych ward through the ER. It didn't help. I felt like I didn't fit in with the other people there and I couldn't associate with them. Group therapy was uncomfortable and I don't feel like I benefitted at all. I don't need "art therapy" or any of the other therapy they had me do. After being there for 4 days I was let out and participated in a partial hospitalization outpatient program that was supposed to continue the therapy and transition me back the "real world". It was a complete waste of my time. Again I feel that I didn't get the help I really needed and I couldn't connect with any of the docs there. After a week I stopped going. I tried to participate in a clinical study, but after a few visits it became really hard to make the appts every week. It's a 2 hr car ride each way plus all the time spent in the office going over every last little detail over and over and over again about how I feel yadda, yadda, yadda. It got so monotonous going over the same f*ing info over and over again and dredging up all kinds of thoughts and emotions.

Now I have been off meds for a few months and I have not been seeing my previous doc because after the incident I went from feeling like a person to just another number nad made to feel like I was inconveniencing him. I have been looking for a new doc with little or no success. Today I was on the phone for 6 hrs with insurance and a couple different groupd trying to find a doc that could help with what I needed. I either got no callbacks or I got the runaround. I even considered voluntarily commiting myself, but I would end up back at the same place I was before where I got no help. The only other place that would be covered by insurance is over an hour away.

I have been fighting with my DH almost constantly for months and months and my marriage is on the cusp of failure. We have had a few visits with a marriage counselor and she is a complete flake. She is not helping us at all. We are only allowed 8 visits through DH's EAP. Really!?!?! How much help are we supposed to get in 8 visits? Our regular insurance doesn't cover marriage counseling and we don't have the funds to cover it out of pocket as he is the only one working. I love him. Deep down inside I know that, but it is so hard and at times I think it would be easier to just say forget it and let it all fall apart. He doesn't understand what this is or what is happening to me, and he hasn't looked at ANY of the info or resources I found for him. It is so disheartening and I feel like he doesn't care enough about me to educate himself in order to help save our marriage. We are both to the point of lashing out all the time verbally abusing eachother because of the pain and frustration. We fight in front of our child quite a bit, even though we both know we shouldn't and that it's wrong. Thankfully my mother is with him all the time trying to shield him as much as she can, but she has her own medical issues.

On top of all this I lost my DF year ago to cancer, right before DS was born. I had to shoulder all of the responsibility of taking care of things with that because I'm the oldest sibling and my mother just fell apart. My sister wasn't really around much when my DF was sick and she really didn't help much after his passing because of her work and school schedules. Plus, I couldn't let myself fall apart because of my child. Now DS is 16 months and still not talking or walking, feeding himself or drinking from a sippy cup. We have an appt for him later today with the pedi to see if he needs early intervention or if he's just a late bloomer.

I am just so weary of all of this. I have been dealing with this for well over a year. I never leave my house unless I am forced, I don't work so I feel like I'm not contributing to my family, and I feel like I have completely lost myself. I don't know who I am anymore. I am exhausted by my existence and feel like life is never going to get better. This is not that I imagined my life would be like. This is not how I pictured my marriage and family turning out. All day I have been battling the hoplessness and suicidal thoughts that kept intruding on my mind. I even went so far as to imagine in detail how to off myself.

I feel like a terrible mother and wife and like I have completely failed as a human being. I can't help feeling like things would be better for my DS and DH if I wasn't here causing all this drama and stress. I need help, I know that. I am just to the point I don't know where to turn anymore.

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Re: I am losing it! I need help!

  • I should also add that I have severe insomnia and I cannot sleep for the life of me. When I do sleep it is never restful and plagued with bad dreams and horrible nightmares. I also don't spend much time with my DS, either because I don't want to get out of bed or I just can't deal with him. I am a failure at this mothering thing. There are times when I think I should never have had him.

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  • You are a great Mom because you are asking for help!! Remind yourself that!

    I too was admitted to a psych ward, just on the 4th, for PPOCD. I thought I was going crazy and contemplated ending it all. I do agree with you, psych wards are full of people who do not relate in regards to PP. Do you have any type of parentying organization in your area? Like a planned parenthood or something along those lines. They might be a good resource in finding the right answer on how to get the appropriate help. The problem with doctors is that they don't specialize in Postpartum mental health, but an organization dealing directly with woman and pregnancy should be able to help.

     Here is a great website: postpartumprogress.com - It has everything. Also, there is a section for getting help that is organized by state.

     Remember, you are not alone. Please PM me if you need to talk, I know how lonely it feels being trapped in PPD and not being able to see a way out. But THERE IS! It's a long road, but I am just being able to see that life is amazing... and you will too!!

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  • Oh dear, I can't imagine how frustrating it is to NEED and WANT help, to be trying so hard to get it and not.  I have no advice.  You will be in my thoughts and prayers, though. 

    Keep trying to get help! Your family would not be better without you!  There are still many years ahead for you and DS to bond.

    I don't know if my words helped or not, but I hope they did.  Please PM me if you need to vent or talk or if you'd just like to have someone tell you rediculous stories to give your mind a break.

     ~hug~

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  • Thank you both! Just hearing encouraging words is sometimes enough for the moment. I just wish there was an immediate fix, as unrealistic as that sounds. I am just so sick to death of dealing with all this crap. I am currently waiting for some callbacks from docs, and we'll go from there.
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  • Just wanted to chime in and say if you feel like you need someone to talk to, you can always start with national hotlines. I programmed one in to my cell phone just in case I ever needed it. Here's that one:

    1-800-944-4PPD (1-800-944-4773) 

    http://www.postpartum.net/

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  • Oh, also wanted to say that I have been where you are now with your marriage. Things have gotten SO MUCH BETTER as the kids have gotten older. We still have awful, awful days, but I feel hopeful that we'll be able to repair our marriage. I'm so glad I didn't just let it fall apart, as much as I sometimes wanted to.

    Please keep in touch and let us know how you're doing.

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  • Got out of the house today, even though I am rop dead tired. Maybe I'll actually sleep tonight!! I have been up for 36 hrs straight and only got about 3 hrs before that, so here's to hoping that I'm so exhausted that I drop asleep the moment I hit the pillow. Keep your fingers crossed. Today was better than yesterday, as in it didn't suck quite as bad. Making it out of the house was a good step. DS had his appt and the doc says he is slightly behind on speech and walking, but just to make sure everything is ok and to nip any issues in the bud, we are having him evaluated. At least that has eased one worry a little. Got a call back from one of the docs, but we weren't home, so I will call them back tomorrow. Thanks again for all the advice and well wishes. Makes me feel a little better.
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  • imagelwvixen81:
    Got out of the house today, even though I am rop dead tired. Maybe I'll actually sleep tonight!! I have been up for 36 hrs straight and only got about 3 hrs before that, so here's to hoping that I'm so exhausted that I drop asleep the moment I hit the pillow. Keep your fingers crossed. Today was better than yesterday, as in it didn't suck quite as bad. Making it out of the house was a good step. DS had his appt and the doc says he is slightly behind on speech and walking, but just to make sure everything is ok and to nip any issues in the bud, we are having him evaluated. At least that has eased one worry a little. Got a call back from one of the docs, but we weren't home, so I will call them back tomorrow. Thanks again for all the advice and well wishes. Makes me feel a little better.

     36 hours? PHEW!  That's rough!  I hope you do get that sleep!  Is your mom still helping out?
    Not good news on the late bloomer, but it is reassuring that the doc is aware and keeping an eye on it.
    Don't forget to make that call today!  Keep us informed!!!

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  • I did finally sleep last night!! Woke up still tired though, but at least I slept. I did make the call and I have an appt next tues , so I am relieved on that too. Been a rough few days, but hopefully this weekend will be good.
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  • I know how you feel.  I really hope that you get the help that you need.  I also have PPD and PPA and have been dealing with really bad insomnia which had made me depressed and have suicidal thoughts too.  I had none of these problems until I had my DS.  I am seeing phsyc and a therapists and am on meds that help me sleep.  It does suck and I never pictured having to deal with this as a mom.  This all started when my son was 7 months old and I am slowly getting better with the help of the doctors, God (going to church has really helped a lot), meds and my therapist.  Please, please keep trying....you will get better.  PM me if you need too.  I can maybe suggest some meds that have worked for me. 

    Hugs!   

    PPD/PPA Mom...it has been super hard, but I'm making it! Slow steps...
    Mom to Carter (6), and Calianne (1).  
    Proud VBAC, natural birth, breastfeeding, cloth diapering momma!


  • imagelwvixen81:
    I did finally sleep last night!! Woke up still tired though, but at least I slept. I did make the call and I have an appt next tues , so I am relieved on that too. Been a rough few days, but hopefully this weekend will be good.

     

    Sorry that I did not reply sooner. :( I hope your Doctor's appointment went well!! and hooray on the sleep, I hope it has continued for you!

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