I am desperate. I was previously seeing a psych doc and tried some different meds that all didn't work or started out working and then stopped. Back in Dec of '10' I tried to kill myself and went to the psych ward through the ER. It didn't help. I felt like I didn't fit in with the other people there and I couldn't associate with them. Group therapy was uncomfortable and I don't feel like I benefitted at all. I don't need "art therapy" or any of the other therapy they had me do. After being there for 4 days I was let out and participated in a partial hospitalization outpatient program that was supposed to continue the therapy and transition me back the "real world". It was a complete waste of my time. Again I feel that I didn't get the help I really needed and I couldn't connect with any of the docs there. After a week I stopped going. I tried to participate in a clinical study, but after a few visits it became really hard to make the appts every week. It's a 2 hr car ride each way plus all the time spent in the office going over every last little detail over and over and over again about how I feel yadda, yadda, yadda. It got so monotonous going over the same f*ing info over and over again and dredging up all kinds of thoughts and emotions.
Now I have been off meds for a few months and I have not been seeing my previous doc because after the incident I went from feeling like a person to just another number nad made to feel like I was inconveniencing him. I have been looking for a new doc with little or no success. Today I was on the phone for 6 hrs with insurance and a couple different groupd trying to find a doc that could help with what I needed. I either got no callbacks or I got the runaround. I even considered voluntarily commiting myself, but I would end up back at the same place I was before where I got no help. The only other place that would be covered by insurance is over an hour away.
I have been fighting with my DH almost constantly for months and months and my marriage is on the cusp of failure. We have had a few visits with a marriage counselor and she is a complete flake. She is not helping us at all. We are only allowed 8 visits through DH's EAP. Really!?!?! How much help are we supposed to get in 8 visits? Our regular insurance doesn't cover marriage counseling and we don't have the funds to cover it out of pocket as he is the only one working. I love him. Deep down inside I know that, but it is so hard and at times I think it would be easier to just say forget it and let it all fall apart. He doesn't understand what this is or what is happening to me, and he hasn't looked at ANY of the info or resources I found for him. It is so disheartening and I feel like he doesn't care enough about me to educate himself in order to help save our marriage. We are both to the point of lashing out all the time verbally abusing eachother because of the pain and frustration. We fight in front of our child quite a bit, even though we both know we shouldn't and that it's wrong. Thankfully my mother is with him all the time trying to shield him as much as she can, but she has her own medical issues.
On top of all this I lost my DF year ago to cancer, right before DS was born. I had to shoulder all of the responsibility of taking care of things with that because I'm the oldest sibling and my mother just fell apart. My sister wasn't really around much when my DF was sick and she really didn't help much after his passing because of her work and school schedules. Plus, I couldn't let myself fall apart because of my child. Now DS is 16 months and still not talking or walking, feeding himself or drinking from a sippy cup. We have an appt for him later today with the pedi to see if he needs early intervention or if he's just a late bloomer.
I am just so weary of all of this. I have been dealing with this for well over a year. I never leave my house unless I am forced, I don't work so I feel like I'm not contributing to my family, and I feel like I have completely lost myself. I don't know who I am anymore. I am exhausted by my existence and feel like life is never going to get better. This is not that I imagined my life would be like. This is not how I pictured my marriage and family turning out. All day I have been battling the hoplessness and suicidal thoughts that kept intruding on my mind. I even went so far as to imagine in detail how to off myself.
I feel like a terrible mother and wife and like I have completely failed as a human being. I can't help feeling like things would be better for my DS and DH if I wasn't here causing all this drama and stress. I need help, I know that. I am just to the point I don't know where to turn anymore.