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GreenEyedGal
member
Furious at my friend, need your advice. (long)
GreenEyedGal
member
My 2 friends (I guess I could call them my "best" friends but lately I haven't been feeling that way) constantly make remarks about my "controlling" parenting skills. How I'm too overprotective with my son and need to loosen up. They are referring to me planning my day around his nap time, feeding him and not feeding him certain foods, being extremely quiet when he's in bed, etc.
One of them is a mom to a 7 year old so you'd think she would have more sympathy for me but that's clearly not the case. The other day I was over at her house and we were being rather loud while her daughter was sleeping. I said that we shouldn't be too loud or she will wake up and her response was "Noise doesn't bother her, I didn't cradle her when she was a newborn"...(or something along the lines of that).
This morning the other friend (not a mom) and I were emailing each other about getting together next week. She wanted me to come over in the evening and I told her it would have to be a day when my husband is home early so that my son doesn't go to sleep past his bedtime and have a tantrum. This is how it went...
Her: People do things with toddlers all the time?.
Me: Not at night. That's just a recipe for disaster.
Her: FAIRLY CERTAIN THEY DO, BUT WHATEVER, DO WHAT YOU WANT.
Then I got super angry, lost my cool and wrote her a semi-long email...
Well then they must have well behaved toddlers who don't mind losing sleep.
Yesterday he threw a complete FIT when it was time to leave the park. I'm talking legs and arms flailing everywhere and he was screeching at the top of his lungs. My neck and chest are full of scratches and bites. I was *this close* to losing my cool with him, it took everything of me to not yell back at him. I was so embarrased, everyone was looking up at me and the insane kid. If I can prevent meltdowns from happening, you bet I will. If I can have one little night for myself to enjoy the company of my friends without chasing a 2 yr old and making sure he doesn't destroy the place, you bet I will.
I just don't understand why you're giving me grief (yet again, you AND Sarah) for why I do the things I do with my own freaking kid. It's so rude and I'm pretty much sick of it. Is it going to go on forever? Just say something like "That's too late for a Sunday, it won't work" or "Thursday works" and let it be at that. Not People do things with toddlers all the time?. Talk about my "controlling parenting skills" amongst you and Sarah but please stop making little remarks to my face, it's not going to change the way I do things, if anything it just bothers me.You guys don't know what goes on behind the scenes. He is not this happy go lucky kid who just goes with the flow.
Her response?
OK.
I'm so furious right now. I cannot wait until she has a kid (and it's a boy) and sees that it's not as easy as she thinks. Yeah, it may be "easy" when they're newborns or when they are older but right now he's a handful. I even responded to Schmoodle's 2 yr old post because I'm also desperate for some advice and needed reassurance that this is a phase.
So tell me...am I overreacting?
TTC#1=Feb 2009: 50 mg Clomid+Ovidrel shot+Metformin+Dexamethasone+TI=BFP!
TTC#2=July 2011: Surprise BFP: Chemical Pregnancy
TTC#2=July 2011: Surprise BFP: Chemical Pregnancy
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Furious at my friend, need your advice. (long)
Are you overreacting? Maybe a touch but I think they'll also stepped on a nerve that they'd rubbed pretty raw so snapping back wasn't totally uncalled for.
The one thing I've found out is that there is no winning in mommyhood. Somebody will tell you that you are doing it wrong no matter what you are doing. It could be your mom, your sister, your friend with a kid the same age, doesn't matter - they think you've got it all wrong. Whatever! They don't live with you and your child 24/7 so who cares what they think. I know that is easy to say and hard to live. I've reached my boiling point with a few people recently.
I'm sorry your friends aren't getting it.
I'm in your camp but I think your e-mail probably didn't do much to plead your case-- especially to someone who doesn't have kids and has a pretty misguided perception about what toddlers need.
I do not mess with G's nap or bedtime unless absolutely necessary and a dinner with friends, while important, is not one of those reasons. My friends need to get that-- and the good ones do. The selfish jack holes that will not have kids but seem to think they know more about parenting mine than I do, don't and that is ok. I just calmly explain that I will meet them after DH gets home to watch G. As a working mom I am also rarely willing to do things on the weekends without G...so if my friends want to see me, it's with her or it has to be during nap or nighttime. Those are the breaks.My number one responsibility is to her-- period.
I am sure it is infuriating but IMO the email was a bit over the top. If this has been an ongoing thing I think you need to either cut ties all together or wait until you cooled down further and send them both a short email saying that you appreciate their friendship but the constant comments about your parenting style need to stop. If they can't then consider limiting your interactions with them.
I agree with pp, you are never going to win. The mom doesn't see your point of view since her child slept through anything and may have even been annoyed that you thought they were being too loud for her child as in she would know what was best for her own kid. You know? Its always a no win situation. The non-mom just doesn't get it and since no 2 children are alike she may never get where you are coming from today. They are either going to care enough about your relationship to stop making remarks or not in which case you are probably better off.
Daycare is SO exhausting!
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I can't believe they do this to you. Sometimes I think people do things strangely to my way of thinking, but I don't think they should just do everything my way. I just keep it to myself. And her response to your e-mail was outrageous. If my friend sent me an e-mail describing your day at the park I would offer sympathy - not act like a jackass.
In fact please take this BIG HUG because you must have felt just awful after that scene at the park. I'm really sorry your friends don't get it.
I want to try and have Daniel be as portable as possible. But missing a bed time just for random hanging out is silly. And I would think they would rather you come alone to a night time thing. Making it a little earlier so you can bring him or a little later so you can come alone doesn't sound like much of an imposition.
Our best friends (another couple) do not have children and I think they also have a hard time understanding why we have to do things at certain times. Especially because 5 months ago, we could do whatever we wanted at whatever timed we wanted. We went to dinner with them last weekend and we had to explain to them that we had to go between 5:30 and 6:30 pm, so we could be home in time to start our bedtime routine at 7:30 pm.
They didn't give us a hard time directly, but I think they may have thought I was too strict with the schedule. If they had said something to me, all I would say is that if they wanted to tempt fate with the schedule, then they could spend the night at our house and possibly be up all night with 2 LO's.
My IL's and SIL used to laugh at me because I'm also pretty strict with the nighttime routine. During the day we use normal voices so our LO's can help distinguish between day and night...because at nighttime we use our "nighttime voices". I shut all the shutters to make it dark and we do the same routine every evening. They used to make fun of me with "nighttime voices", but since both of our LO's have been STTN since about 2 months, they don't say anything now and also participate in the nighttime routine without giving any grief.
Is it our routine that helps our LO's or are they just great babies (well, yes, they are great!), I don't know...but I won't tempt fate yet with the schedule.
Wow, this turned out to be long....sorry. In short, no, I don't think you are overreacting.
ETA: Everybody parents differently and your friend with a child may not understand that you have to do what works well for you and your LO...not what works well for everybody else's schedule.
This is pretty much the way I feel too. I'm having this same problem, but not with friends - with my MIL. I guess DH must have been perfect growing up because she does not at all understand the need for consistency and, in fact, has become very condescending and judgmental about it. I responded similarly to your email and it did no good. And I decided I'm not doing it again because it doesn't feel right to try to convince her that my child is "bad," kwim? It sucks
But, at the end of the day, my LOs are all that matter and I'm going to do what I know in my heart is right and just stop offering explanations.
I kinda figure it THIS way....
I don't CARE what your parenting style is. YOU are the parent of YOUR child, and if you choose to give them nothing but processed foods and kool-aid, well, you're the momma. Just as I get to decide what to feed MY kid, how to disipline MY kids, etc.
The issue comes into play I think only when you're together, being social with them. My local besties pretty much parent the same way as eachother, so it's really not an issue. I have been with some moms that DO things differently, but you know what, that's their choice. I might not want to be around them as eagerly, but most things I can overlook if they're nice people and good company.
Like, if my bestie decided to FERBER and I was totally against it (just an example) that likely wouldn't end our friendship because she FEBER'd her kid. Now if she told me I was stupid because I don't, well.... see ya.
;-)
Well, to be honest, with the first Mom, I think you are WAY out of line. You butted in and talked about her parenting skills when you said we were being too loud for her daughter. How is that your business, at all? Shouldn't she be offended that you criticized her for being too loud around her daughter? Once you opened the door to discuss parenting with her, did you expect her to not respond by informing you her daughter didn't need silence?
As to the second Mom, well, it could mean many things. Maybe she's just concerned you aren't taking care of yourself and getting me time and trying to help you out. Maybe she's a real witch. Not knowing her, I don't know.
I'm sorry, however, that you are struggling. You know what you need to do to get through the day, and I think you should stick to your guns and so what will keep your family running as smoothly as possible. You are right on track there.
I understand what you are going through as we went through this with my DH's best friend.
We were (and still are) very strict with our son's sleep schedule, especially at night. We know that if he is up a lot later than normal that we will all pay for it the next day. This was something that this guy didn't understand. That is until he had a child of his own.
Before his son was born (about 2 years after ours) he always said "When we have a kid, our lives will not change at all. I will just put the kid in a backpack and continue with life as normal." At first this really annoyed me, but the more he said stuff like this, the more I looked at him, chuckled and said, "We will see."
Well, he had his son and after a few months apoligized to us (and to others) about mouthing off and not understanding how hard it is to raise a child.
I know it is hard to smile and ignore what some people say, but in the end you are doing what is best for you and your child. Good luck.
I agree that maybe you are reacting a bit strongly - but I would too. I might be a *tad* more diplomatic in my email, but honestly, you had a right to call out the criticism of your parenting. How you parent is your business. If you find a formula that works for your and your family, that is what matters - not how someone else views it.
I know where you are coming from because I am suuuuper sensitive about what other people might be thinking about how I parent Sam. If someone had the gall to criticize, it's very possible I'd fly totally off the handle!
Hang in there - do what works for you and try your best to ignore the others
I am a runner, knitter, scientist, DE-IVF veteran, and stage III colon cancer survivor.
RoxBride brings up a good point here - you kind of did question her protocol with her daughter. It's easy to do without even realizing.
Anyway, hoping easier days are ahead!
I am a runner, knitter, scientist, DE-IVF veteran, and stage III colon cancer survivor.
This - with mom 1, I think you are projecting past frustrations onto that incident. And I also probably would have been annoyed if you shushed me in my own house because of my kid because I know that five dogs barking in the other bedroom don't wake her up. And I might have snarked back at you because I was tired of being judged for not having a completely silent house and a super strict schedule. We do try to keep a schedule, but I also don't go into details about it every time I have to set up something with friends. I just say that I can do these days and times and we set it up.
With mom 2, she shouldn't argue or judge your schedule, but again, I would have just said, "I can do these days and times" and left it at that. At least from when I didn't have kids, I didn't need an explanation about why people couldn't do something because of xyz, whether it was kids, the gym, facials, etc. We all have conflicts that dictate our schedule, but after a while, sometimes it feels like other people's conflicts are more important than anyone else's. Like when another mom and I want to get together but her H can't possibly handle xyz by himself - so her relationship dynamic takes precedence over my schedule because my H can take care of DD anytime. Etc. If you just say when you are available without going into detail, it doesn't come off as dictatorial.
However, if they cause you this much stress, my standard answer is to just break up for a while and not deal with it. Find people that are less stressful to be friends with.
I don't think you're out of line. And I don't think what I took to be you trying to polite and courteous at mom # 1's house as you criticizing her. In my mind - I'm imagining you said something like "Ohh.. we're being so loud and Jane is sleeping" and she replied in a snarky way "it's fine, we didn't coddle/cradle her as a newborn." I may be way off - but if it went down anything like that - you were trying to be kind and she took the opportunity to insult you in a passive aggressive way.
Friend # 2 (who is pregnant with a boy, am I reading that right?).... JUST WAIT. In fact, if you wanted to be passive aggressive as far as her annoying, presumptuous, rude remarks, that might be the better tactic to take. EVERY piece of advice she gives you in person - you smirk and chuckle and say "just you wait." chuckle chuckle "just you wait." Emails - same thing. To any advice proffered write back "LOL! Just you wait. LOL!" Don't let her get your goat (because you're too busy getting hers) - even if she says "other people's toddlers are WONDERFUL and LOVE to stay out late" you just chuckle and stick with "just you wait."
That should irritate the shiit out of her.
And this is all very immature of me to even suggest, and I just in this type of mood right now.
Regardless - they're being jerks. I'm sorry.
ETA: Just re-read - and I see she is NOT pregnant at the moment. Darn - that means my passive aggressive remarks may be slightly less annoying to her. But you can still use them assuming she does want kids someday. You could also try - "oh God, I remember when I thought I knew a thing or two about raising kids before I had any!" chuckle chuckle "Boy does that go out the window when you actually become a parent! You'll see." That could work too...
"When it comes to sleeping, whatever your baby does is normal. If one thing has damaged parents enjoyment of their babies, it's rigid expectations about how and when the baby should sleep." ~ James McKenna, Ph.D., Mother Baby Behavioral Sleep Center, University of Notre Dame
With friend #1, that's exactly how it went down. I wasn't remotely rude to her at all. We were laughing our butts off at stupid websites and I just said "I think we're being too loud" and she said "it's fine, my daughter can sleep through anything", and that was the end of that.
Friend #2 isn't pregnant.
TTC#2=July 2011: Surprise BFP: Chemical Pregnancy
Thanks for your input everyone, it's nice to hear someone else's point of view other than my own.
After the "ok" response, she sent me another email apologizing and explaining that she's just frustrated that she doesn't see me as much anymore, which I totally get.
I probably could've been more mature in the email but then again, I feel good for standing up for myself for once, and clearly she got my point. She said she will try to be less blunt if I make more of an effort to hang out with her. Deal.
TTC#2=July 2011: Surprise BFP: Chemical Pregnancy
Hooray for a happy ending!
I think with your scenario #1, you were both in line.
I think her "fairly certain they do" comment was snappy, rude and condescending. Sounds like you've been putting up with their critical little comments for a while now, so honestly, I don't think your email was over the top. I think you had to make it clear to them how much they are upsetting you.
And don't get me started on people without kids giving parenting advice and commentary . . . they have no idea what they are talking about and it just drives me crazy.
AMEN to that!
TTC#2=July 2011: Surprise BFP: Chemical Pregnancy
yup
oh and I think that everything depends on the kid (and the parents)
We are lucky. E does fine with a change in routine and staying out later here or there is a non issue for us, as he recovers with no issue. However, my nephew loses his *** when he isnt in bed at 730 (they are 10 weeks apart in age)