Family Member taking it too far?

malejos0226 · September 2011

Within the last month or so my sister who is older than me, married but with no children, called me as we were discussing something about our mother. Later into the conversation my sister says: "Now don't be offended when I say this but, Zach and I think she is slow". With that being said I immediately thought, "Who wouldn't get offended by such a statement?!" My sister proceeded to "explain" why she thought so, which was that according to her, when my daughter is at my mother's house that she would rarely talk, or if she did she never really said sentences or anything. I'm pretty sure this is her only basis on what she meant by that. My daughter has only been to a daycare for about two or three weeks before we had to take her out due to serious sickness and other issues concerning her biological father at the time. My daughter may not go to day care at this point, and that's only because we were fortunate for so long to have someone to watch her in order for me to be able to work, however, within the last six months to year we have been trying to get her in something seeing as she is approaching three within the next month.

At the time this was said I mentioned the conversation to both my parents, and I spoke with my dad more in depth about how much it hurt for my own sister to say such a thing, especially with me being pregnant.

Fast forward to today, my sister text messages me out of the blue and tells me she thinks that I need to apologize to HER for telling my dad about what she said and according to her "blowing what she said out of proportion since she never said she was retarded". She also divulged that she would not be attending my baby shower this Sunday unless I did so. She also stated that I supposedly agreed with her and she also stated she never said "retarded".

Am I wrong for saying anything to my parents about this? She stated today that she wanted to be a good aunt and that I made it impossible, however, I rarely see or hear from her unless a family function arrises.

kmhunt11 · September 2011

Yikes. I guess you can pick your friends, but you're stuck with your family. I am so sorry she's being so hurtful. I wouldn't apologize in a million years. If you can keep your cool, you could meet for coffee or call her to tell her why what she said to you was inappropriate (and bs). If she had told you something in confidence, then I can understand her being upset about you telling your parents. Otherwise, it sounds like she's embarrassed to be caught being a b****. (PS Some kids are quiet. My DH barely spoke until he was 4. Drs. said he'd come around and now he won't shut up. She'll be fine)

malejos0226 · September 2011

It was never said that what we were talking about shouldn't have been discussed with anyone. The only person that probably wouldn't want to know would have been our mom but since things have changed what we were saying about our mom has actually changed for the better and gone back to normal. When she was texting me this morning I was still really civil in my responses, and I haven't talked to my dad about it because then I feel the cycle will happen again. I just know if it were the other way around she would be just as hurt if I had said such a thing. And it isn't that my daughter doesn't talk, it's that she's shy around certain people, but she's ALWAYS shy around my sister's husband. I think that's because she can feel the negative energy from him, before she was born he told my sister that my daughter was a bastard because her biological father and I were not married and not together any more for many many reasons. So at this point my daughter is not only a "bastard" but also "slow", both of which he's never said to my face. My daughter is fairly smart in lots of things, she just hasn't been in day care so she may not know certain things as well as she could if she had been.

mabma80 · September 2011

Personally, I think your sister is a douche for saying that and wanting YOU to apologize. You were right to talk to your parents about it. I mean, why wouldn't you? Text your sister back and say "Fine. I'll see ya when I see ya next. Bye"

When someone starts a sentence with "Don't be offended, but..." it's wise not to finish the sentence, cause 9/10 times that person WILL get offended. Your sister is totally clueless and it's probably best that you distance yourself from her for a while.

Pesky · September 2011

Okay, I think your sister is BSC. First, while I would apologize if my interpretation of what she was saying was wrong but at no time did she indicate her comments were confidential and she was daft to think I would not seek out confirming or denying opinions of the same from others who had equal opportunity to observe your DD. I would say that beyond an accidental miscontrual of her well-meaning statements, you don't feel there is any other apology needed and if she intends to hold something that trivial against an unborn child and your DD, perhaps that is for the best and you will respect her decision in the matter as only she can determine the type of aunt she wants to be.

ETA: BTW, be sure to talk to your pedi as well and observe your dd to see if any of it is true and if EI is warranted. Earlier the intervention, the better, regardless of how hard it is to admit a flaw in our children.

Angiesmommy · September 2011

???!!!! I think you had every right to speak about this with your parents. Why wouldn't you be able to talk to anyone you wanted about it. Regardless of who said it. Your sister has some major balls for insisting you give HER an apology (!?!) I know she's your sister and you can't really just turn you back and move on, so if you want to smooth things over before the shower, you can try calling and tell her to calm down and that if she cares , she'll be at the shower. But if she wants to continue to act like a child, you'll see her at the next family function. And the only thing to be sorry about is the fact that she doesn't want to put on her big girl pants.

malejos0226 · September 2011

Pesky:
Okay, I think your sister is BSC. First, while I would apologize if my interpretation of what she was saying was wrong but at no time did she indicate her comments were confidential and she was daft to think I would not seek out confirming or denying opinions of the same from others who had equal opportunity to observe your DD. I would say that beyond an accidental miscontrual of her well-meaning statements, you don't feel there is any other apology needed and if she intends to hold something that trivial against an unborn child and your DD, perhaps that is for the best and you will respect her decision in the matter as only she can determine the type of aunt she wants to be.
ETA: BTW, be sure to talk to your pedi as well and observe your dd to see if any of it is true and if EI is warranted. Earlier the intervention, the better, regardless of how hard it is to admit a flaw in our children.

My daughters pediatrician has never been worried or mentioned anything about a delay in her development since before she was one. The only time mentioned was that she just didn't say enough words at the time, but by the next check up the doctor said she was right on track and has not said a thing since. A family friend is a nurse and has four kids herself and I asked her what she thought seeing as she sees my daughter about as often as my sister does, and she stated that she in no way felt that my daughter was behind, if she did she would've said something prior. My daughter is a chatterbox, but she just CHOOSES not to talk whilst around my sister and her husband. Like I stated before, I think my daughter can feel the negative joojoo reaping out of this guy. And my daughter is really perceptive. Any time I have a scowl or "non-happy" look on my face she always asks, "What's wrong mommy? Why aren't you happy?" and then later will ask, "Are you happy now?" but of course in her own way, but that's pretty much what she says. And I even asked my dad his thoughts and opinions about it in my conversation with him, and my mother, and my fiance. And all agreed that they don't see anything wrong with her, and my dad's only concern was her social development since she doesn't spend a lot of time around other kids, BUT my fiance and I arrange play dates with other kids we know whether they are younger or older, AND we take her to public places to play with other kids like at McDonald's or something. AND we just enrolled her in The Little Gym as well. But even with that said, my daughter pretty much will talk to anyone if there isn't a negative vibe, stranger or not.

malejos0226 · September 2011

Angiesmommy:
???!!!! I think you had every right to speak about this with your parents. Why wouldn't you be able to talk to anyone you wanted about it. Regardless of who said it. Your sister has some major balls for insisting you give HER an apology (!?!) I know she's your sister and you can't really just turn you back and move on, so if you want to smooth things over before the shower, you can try calling and tell her to calm down and that if she cares , she'll be at the shower. But if she wants to continue to act like a child, you'll see her at the next family function. And the only thing to be sorry about is the fact that she doesn't want to put on her big girl pants.

I honestly think she is seeking attention and approval from my parents. My sister was sort of a loner in high school and afterwards because she spent all her time with the bf she had and not really hanging out with friends unless they were mutual friends (in high school). And when she started dating her now husband she only hung out with him, worked, went to school, or was in her room playing WOW. She broke up with her now husband before graduating college, then about three months later (after a failed attempt at another relationship) got back with her ex, then a month or so later in say July decided they would be getting married in December. The wedding and everything leading up to it and afterwards was a lot of arguing amongst family (mainly me and her) and then I found out I was pregnant in February. So I really think that in her head when I got pregnant the first time she saw the attention I got, and then once my daughter was born she saw all the attention go to me AND my daughter. Once my fiance and I got together and my family met and got to know him, all the attention went towards us because my parents didn't like her bf-now husband, and I suppose her wedding excitement was what she thought it would get and was short lived. My dad doesn't like her husband, but completely adores my fiance. I swear they are like father and son it's sometimes eery. But I do know that at some point my sister made a comment to me stating that I was the favorite (for what I'm not sure considering I was actually sort of the bad child out of us two). So maybe she's just putting everything out onto my daughter. Idk.

Want a personalized experience?

Family Member taking it too far?

Re: Family Member taking it too far?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards