Ideas to teach compassion/charity/selflessness

Re: Ideas to teach compassion/charity/selflessness

• howleyshell member

  September 2011

  I think siblings are a GREAT place to work on this.

  Regardless if it's intentional or accidental when one of them hurts the other one and makes them cry it's their responsibility to "fix it" - what ever that entails.

  The first few times we set this expectation it was met with confusion and out right refusal but eventually they got that it was fully expected that if they made their sibling cry they were to stay with them and problem solve until they stopped crying.

  So now if one of them hurts the other I don't have to say a word.  They immediately say "I'm sorry!  It was an accident!" (even when it's not of course) followed by running into the house to retrieve "owwie bear" (gel pack in a bear shape) to put on the (usually non-existent) injury.

  If they're really hurt I do step in but I still make them stay by the other's side (usually holding their hand for comfort) until the tears dry up.

  If they won't stop crying I look at the offender and say something along the lines of:  "you broke him, you fix him!" or "solve the problem" (we use those words around our house a lot).

  It's helped them get outside of the box.  Now they actually will do a funny dance, fetch a favorite toy or a lovey or go out of their way to try to make the other smile or stop crying.  

  If you set the expectation that they take responsibility when they're the instigator for causing another child to be unhappy and step back and let them figure out how to do that you may see more of it in situations where they're not the instigator, KWIM?

  I think it's natural to be afraid of or hesitant to approach another crying child.  Think about it as an adult - it's awkward sometimes, right?   I think the practice (and lord is there ever plenty of practice at our house) has helped mine to not be so uncomfortable around other people who are unhappy and instead look at it as an opportunity to have a positive impact on a negative situation. 

   We even went so far as to tell Jace a while back that his "super power" is the power to make other people smile.  He took it all very seriously and honestly felt empowered to make people around him happy!  It was a great way to get him to consider how his actions, behavior and attitude impact those around him.

  It's tough stuff.  The nature of this age is that they ARE the center of the world!  

  As for the "there are others less fortunate than yourself" thing?  No clue.

  I think we will start this Thanksgiving with serving at a homeless shelter but I really don't think Jace will get out of it what Dylan will.  I think another year or so will go a long way in allowing the lightbulb of the bigger picture to start to power up. 

  Our IF journey: 1 m/c, 1 IVF with only 3 eggs retrieved yielding Dylan and a lost twin, 1 shocker unmedicated BFP resulting in Jace, 3 more unmedicated pregnancies ending in more losses.
  Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
  

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• ArcticFox member

  September 2011

  I take a lot of toys to the consignment shop and also donate a lot of clothes/toys, so every so often I have DD go through her toys to decide what to donate.  Even if is stuff she considers a "baby toy" or "boring", I explain to her that there are kids that don't have toys, etc.  I have also explained stuff like how some kids don't get birthday parties or how some families have to sleep together because they don't all get their own bedroom, etc.  I don't lecture her on all these details at once, but it is just every so often I'll bring up something like how she is so lucky to have her own big room, etc.  Also we recently had a bad hurricane in NY and so we have been gathering stuff to donate.  I would just bring things up as they present themselves.  Also like if you were to go through your closet to donate stuff, he can help you put stuff in bags and you could take them to Goodwill or whatever together.
  

  
  Nest Bio ~ ~ Baby Food Blog

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• KathrynMD member

  September 2011

  you turn it around on him and say "if you were crying, wouldn't you feel better if Joshua gave you a hug?"  or "when you feel bad,sometimes its nice to just be quiet and get hugs, right?  "well, mommy feels bad right now, so maybe you could give me some hugs and play quietly for a few minutes, etc."

  

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• schnappycat member

  September 2011

  KathrynMD:

  you turn it around on him and say "if you were crying, wouldn't you feel better if Joshua gave you a hug?"  or "when you feel bad,sometimes its nice to just be quiet and get hugs, right?  "well, mommy feels bad right now, so maybe you could give me some hugs and play quietly for a few minutes, etc."

  Yeah, I've tried this a million times to no avail. He just doesn't care. He still always continues to find a way to turn it back around to himself.

   

   

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• schnappycat member

  September 2011

  howleyshell:

  I think siblings are a GREAT place to work on this.

  Regardless if it's intentional or accidental when one of them hurts the other one and makes them cry it's their responsibility to "fix it" - what ever that entails.

  The first few times we set this expectation it was met with confusion and out right refusal but eventually they got that it was fully expected that if they made their sibling cry they were to stay with them and problem solve until they stopped crying.

  So now if one of them hurts the other I don't have to say a word.  They immediately say "I'm sorry!  It was an accident!" (even when it's not of course) followed by running into the house to retrieve "owwie bear" (gel pack in a bear shape) to put on the (usually non-existent) injury.

  If they're really hurt I do step in but I still make them stay by the other's side (usually holding their hand for comfort) until the tears dry up.

  If they won't stop crying I look at the offender and say something along the lines of:  "you broke him, you fix him!" or "solve the problem" (we use those words around our house a lot).

  It's helped them get outside of the box.  Now they actually will do a funny dance, fetch a favorite toy or a lovey or go out of their way to try to make the other smile or stop crying.  

  If you set the expectation that they take responsibility when they're the instigator for causing another child to be unhappy and step back and let them figure out how to do that you may see more of it in situations where they're not the instigator, KWIM?

  I think it's natural to be afraid of or hesitant to approach another crying child.  Think about it as an adult - it's awkward sometimes, right?   I think the practice (and lord is there ever plenty of practice at our house) has helped mine to not be so uncomfortable around other people who are unhappy and instead look at it as an opportunity to have a positive impact on a negative situation. 

   We even went so far as to tell Jace a while back that his "super power" is the power to make other people smile.  He took it all very seriously and honestly felt empowered to make people around him happy!  It was a great way to get him to consider how his actions, behavior and attitude impact those around him.

  It's tough stuff.  The nature of this age is that they ARE the center of the world!  

  As for the "there are others less fortunate than yourself" thing?  No clue.

  I think we will start this Thanksgiving with serving at a homeless shelter but I really don't think Jace will get out of it what Dylan will.  I think another year or so will go a long way in allowing the lightbulb of the bigger picture to start to power up. 

  Thanks, Howley. Good ideas in here, although some of them I've tried to no avail. I guess my biggest issue is how to even get him to the point where he cares that he has hurt his sister enough to get him to try to "fix it." He purposely hurts her a ton and will still turn it back around to him or make a lame excuse.

  I'll keep working on it, but some days I'm starting to think he's just a bad seed.  

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• Pesky member

  September 2011

  don't lose heart.  You are right that kids really experience empathy somewhere between 4-6, if I recall from my psychologist ILs.  Anywho, I'd keep doing what you are doing for one.  And have you thought about having him pick out something to donate to a child who doesn't have anything and let him take it to the counter or (preferably manned) donation bin so that he gets the accolades.  Even if he doesn't realize the altruistic components of giving at this point, he will really dig being fussed over for being such a generous boy.  I've found that a lot of positive reinforcement helped DD to the point she announces "See?  I gave that to [DS].  I'm a good big sister."

  
  
  DD -- 5YO
  DS -- 3YO
  

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