I am usually a somewhat negative person (although I don't talk about that often and if you knew me IRL you would not know that) and generally think the worst and then I don't get disappointed.
I also don't really share my feelings with many people except my DH.
Anyways, since DS was born, I have been functioning fine, don't cry or anything but I can honestly say that I find very few things more enjoyable with the baby than without. I love DS very much and I spend a lot of time with him, and love to hold and cuddle him, etc... but I generally don't think life is easier or more enjoyable with a child than without. I don't regret having my son as I love him, but I can admit to myself that having him for the past year has not enriched my life. I have found it primarily a sacrafice and lots of additional work, with very little reward.
I feel awuful even writing that... it makes me sound like a selfish, awful person. I can not even admit that to my DH as I don't think he would understand and would be horrified.
I am not unhappy... but I don't necessarily find a lot of joy from being a mother either. I am "happy" as in I laugh and play, etc with him and if you watched me, you would have no idea I felt that way.. .but when I leave for work or when I am running errands, or DH and I are out when we have a babysitter, I primarily feel a sense of relief rather than missing my son.
I do miss him I think in that I feel guilty when I am away from him for too long and I do think he is cute and I am proud of him, but it is a weird feeling.
Anyways-- would this match with what PPD? Maybe I have had it all along? Or maybe I am just not cut out from the same cloth that most mothers are? I might delete this later as I feel uncomfortable writing it.