Help me deal with MIL (long)

umdbride · September 2011

I know you ladies will have some sound advice, my MIL is driving me crazy. All our family lives at least 4 hours away, so when they visit, they stay for at least a few days. MIL has always gotten on my nerves a bit - she's very forward with her "observations" such as "you need to clean" and that DH needs to eat more vegetables (but directed at me), etc. With DS here, it's on a whole new level and I'm really finding it hard to enjoy any of the time DH's parents are here with us. Help!

My issues with MIL and DS are that she constantly talks to him with baby noises super loud and excitedly, even if it's right before bedtime (so she basically riles him up more when he's already a little wired). I know this isn't a big deal really, but honestly, it drives me crazy to hear shouted baby noises constantly and it really does get DS all riled up and eventually cranky.

She insists he isn't sleepy when we say it's time for him to nap or go to bed. She always wants to give him things he shouldn't have - like some of my milkshake, juice, etc. and when we say not to she says "ok, later i'll give you some" (she hasn't had the opportunity yet, but I don't doubt she will later on). She makes tons of comments about the pets and the baby - either because of some fur on the floor or his toys or that they are getting too close to DS (they are so mellow and totally fine with him). She basically finds something (or multiple things) to comment on that we need to change - like he shouldn't chew on soft toys, we have too many things for him, we should use or not use something, etc.

DS had a rough night last night, he was up every 2-3 hours so I'm exhausted. On top of that, my first morning greeting from MIL was "he was crying a lot last night, I wanted to come out and get him" Thank goodness she didn't, i'm not sure how i would have handled that.

I guess I feel like all these comments are a judgement on our ability to be good parents and that she's meddling where I'd rather her not. I've tried (for 6 months now!) to ignore it and just deal for the few days they're here, but I noticed I really get in a grumpy mood most of the time I'm around her (even though I don't show it). They visit probably once a month or so, and I'm tired of dreading their visits, so wise bumpies, what can I do???

Oh, and DH agrees these things are annoying, and says he'll talk to her about it, but I'm doubtful that it will help (he's tried before). I'm wondering if there are some specific things we should or shouldn't say that will help it work? Or, if you have any tactics I can use on my own that might help (like good comebacks to comments?). I'm not sure MIL and I are really on the level where we can talk openly about it and have her not feel hurt.

sorry this is so long, but thanks for any advice!!

smacb · September 2011

My MIL and I were polar opposites on everything when DS was an infant. When I was struggling with nursing in the hospital she went on and on about how dumb it was and how babies love Enfamil. She was forever stuffing him with crackers when he was your DS's age. I usually smiled and didn't say anything unless it was something I thought jeopardized his safety-like the crackers. Then I laid down the law. I ignored all of her advice.

She drove me batty. I kept telling myself it was because she cared. She's much better now that he's older.

WinesNot Whines · September 2011

There's a lot going on here! I think your instinct to let your DH handle talking to his mom is a good one. She will probably take it better coming from him.

My mom has a tendency to do some of the things your MIL does, so I've developed some coping strategies. I try to let her know that I'm listening to her advice, but I may respectfully disagree with her. If she suggests that I do something (and it's not something that I want to do), I tell her that SHE can do it if she thinks it's necessary. Sometimes she'll actually do it, which is great when it involves something like cleaning. My exact response would depend on what she's complaining about, but here are some examples:

MIL: You need to vacuum, there's dog hair everywhere.
Response: I'm busy doing xx right now, but the vacuum is in the hall closet if you'd like to vacuum the rugs.

MIL: You have too many toys for LO.
Response: I know, people keep buying him things!

MIL: [Riling LO up before bed]
Response: We try to keep things quiet for 30 minutes before bedtime. We're going to say goodnight now, and I'm going to go upstairs and read him some books.

MIL: Don't let LO chew on that toy.
Response: Feel free to follow him around and make sure he doesn't chew on anything. Good luck with that.

vtkgirl77 · September 2011

Ugh, that is really hard to deal with. I'm so sorry. I know that for me, when I had my first baby, I used to take it really personally whenever people commented on anything even remotely related to my parenting. Those things would bother me too so I can understand. I think there are a couple of approaches you could take: 1. Have DH have a conversation with her. If he doesn't feel comfortable, maybe you could do a role play and help him with what to say. Here's what I would coach my husband to say, "Mom, we had a great weekend with you and I'm so glad you've taken such a interest in our son and come to visit us so often. I wanted to let you know that sometimes you say things that feel like criticism to us like X, Y and Z. I know that you are trying to be helpful and I know it's not your intention to be critical so that's why I want to let you know. We are both new parents and we are doing the best we can. We really enjoy having you visit and we appreciate your helpfulness but I just wanted to be open and honest that commenting on our parenting, house, etc. can sometimes hurt our feelings. 2. Or, I think you and DH can confront comments as they happen and sort of explain yourselves. Like for "you need to clean" you could say something like "I know, I wish I had more time but with working 40 hours per week and all of the other things I need to do, I've just decided that spending time with DS is more important than having a perfectly clean house". For the eating more vegetables you could say something like, "I agree. We have plenty of vegetables in the house but he's an adult and I guess he does what he wants to." For the loud talking, I think around bedtime you could say, "I'm taking DS to his room for quiet time. I've found that he goes to sleep easier if we have 20 minutes of quiet time before bed". 3. You could be somewhat snarky. I like the idea of snark in theory but I can't really do it to people's faces. In my marriage, we take the approach that DH mainly confront issues with his parents and I confront issues with mine. My IL's are great but they have done things we don't like (like giving DD tons of crackers or teaching her things like smacking my MIL's butt.) For the most part, DH will confront issues like that with them which I think works better than me trying to do it. As much as possible though, I would try to feel as confident as possible in your parenting and decisions. As for us, we have dog hair all over our house. We don't eat as healthy as we could if I had an hour to cook a home-cooked meal every night. DD#1 watches too much TV. It's not possible to do everything perfectly so I do the best I can. I would rather build legos with DD than vacuum. Research shows kids are less prone to allergies if they live with pets in the house. We eat healthy as much as we can considering that it's hard to cook a dinner in 30 minutes while watching two kids. I'm sure that all of your decisions are good ones and that they are based on balancing everything we have to do as parents. So, in your head, you should feel confident that you are making good decisions.

ch ch ch chia · September 2011

It sounds like your MIL is trying to be helpful, and to a certain degree - you need to let things go. But, you shouldn't just say nothing if there are comments that are really bugging you.

I'd try to address the comments that bother you immediately, with some sort of verbal response. I think if you wait, and have DH approach it as an "issue" it might cause more of a rift... then, your MIL will be walking on eggshells, and you don't want that situation either. I like Wine's approach. Direct, but not snarky or too in-your-face.

belizeitornot · September 2011

it sounds like maybe they are staying with you when they visit? i think that might be a good place to start - they're welcome to come visit but they need to stay in a hotel. we don't have the space in our teeny house but MIL basically invites herself to sleep on our couch. we've allowed it twice, but getting ready to put a stop to it because we have to entertain her the whole time she's here and it just kills the whole weekend for us to do anything else that we need to do.

i would push back on the more important things, but that's just me. i'd also probably throw out a "the pediatrician seems to think we're raising DS just fine, but thanks for your input" because i like the snark like that.

but "thanks for your input" is probably a good response to most of her comments. let her say what she needs to say, respond, and move on. chances are when she never gets a reaction out of you and doesn't see that you are doing what she says, she'll stop.

hsbbride · September 2011

I could basically have written this post, but my examples would have been slightly different since DD is a bit younger. Be thankful that your MIL almost came out in the middle of the night. My MIL does come out and INTO OUR BEDROOM. So, I'm dealing with this all day, and then at 4am. It's awesome.

DH has tried talking to MIL, but she blows him off. At first, I thought DH wasn't making a strong enough point, but then I actually witnessed a conversation and realized that no matter what he said, she was going to blow him off.

It got so bad this weekend that I almost cried in the middle of Old Navy. This prompted me to realize I need to get a gripe.

All that said, I think your best course of action is to ignore what you can and address what you can in the moment. Pick and choose your battles. Easier said than done, I know. Good luck.

JKM416 · September 2011

First of all, your ILs visit once a month and stay with you (it sounds like)?? You're being more than hospitable to them by allowing such frequent visits, and they're clearly taking a toll on you while everyone else (besides your DH, to a degree) is happy with the arrangement. You need to protect your own sanity, with your own child, in your own home. I say you need to (1) curb them to once every two months (or less), (2) tell them to stay at a hotel, or (3) you visit them every other time, if possible. While option #3 may not be ideal at all, it lets you control the length of the visit (like, one night!).

I don't know how you'd go about explaining the less frequent visitation opportunities without them having an issue with it, but that's their problem, not yours. Your DH can tell them that now that DS is getting older and more "portable," you're going to be doing more "spontaneous family fun" on weekends (especially before the cold weather sets in...maybe you could get at least a few months' reprieve). Or make a claim about work schedules changing (more hours at the office --> the time you do get together as a family of three is limited and therefore more precious). Or say that now that DS is getting more interactive and interesting, you'll be visiting more family/friends as well as having them stay with you, so it's no longer an Open House policy.

Also, in response to her constant veiled criticisms and "suggestions," I like the broken record approach. Have a few standard, vague replies that you are constantly recycling: "Thanks for the input." "I'll take that into consideration." "Things are working fine for the three of us just the way they are." "After talking with DS's pediatrician and plenty of other moms about _____, I'm confident we're doing the right thing." "That's just not important to us right now." She'll get annoyed at hearing the same responses over and over, but if she realizes that what she's saying is going in one ear and out the other, maybe she'll ease up (and probably direct her energies elsewhere...hopefully towards your DH and vegetables and away from your parenting/housekeeping).

umdbride · September 2011

Thanks everyone - I really appreciate the support and suggestions, it at least helps me to feel validated Embarrassed

They do come here about once a month (sometimes less frequently and sometimes more) and usually stay with us for 2 nights. There really isn't the option to space it out too much more or swap visits because MIL comes to town to go to the Naval hospital for check-ups (nothing's wrong but she's a bit paranoid about her health because of previous conditions and they get free care at the Naval hospital). A hotel also isn't an option because they really don't have the money and I feel like we need to be fair with all our parents and my parents definitely couldn't afford to stay at a hotel (but aren't nearly as intrusive, I even asked DH to be sure).

I talked to DH and he agrees the "suggestions" and baby talk are grating, so he's going to mention it to her and hopefully that will help. I'll also keep the one-liners you gave in my back pocket. I definitely started doing that when we got married and she commented about the house or DH and it seemed to work, I'm not sure why I couldn't come up with what to say for the baby stuff!

I think I'm also going to try and schedule a girls night for the next time they're here so at least I can get out for a bit Stick out tongue They're coming again on the 26th!!

umdbride · September 2011

hsbbride:
Be thankful that your MIL almost came out in the middle of the night. My MIL does come out and INTO OUR BEDROOM. So, I'm dealing with this all day, and then at 4am. It's awesome.

OMG that's awful - I think for the next visit you should lock your bedroom door and if there isn't a lock now, install one! Maybe at least the response suggestions the ladies gave here will help a little.

bh2720 · September 2011

hsbbride:
My MIL does come out and INTO OUR BEDROOM. So, I'm dealing with this all day, and then at 4am. It's awesome.

O.M.G.

W.T.F???!!!

I would definitely invest in good lock for the door...she has serious boundary issues.

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