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MIL Drama - Vent & Advice Needed! It's REALLY long though...
Ok, so most of you know that my MIL is manipulative and controlling. She wasn't that bad when we were dating and engaged, so basically she didn't show her true self until after we got married.
A short background for those who don't know. We told our parents a few days before we had our first appointment our OB and asked them to wait until we'd seen the dr. Less than ten minutes later, she had told almost everyone who was there at their church camp out. She told me, I kid you not, "Miscarriages aren't that common, you'll be fine. Don't even worry about it, you won't miscarry". We had to scramble around to tell the rest of our friends before they heard through the grapevine of MIL and her church. Even then, I included MIL in everything. I invited her to my baby shower and even scheduled a special u/s at one of my regular appointments so that both of our moms could be a part of it. She didn't attend either because she doesn't drive more than an hour by herself. She was a pain in the @$$ at the birth, she didn't listen when the nurse and DH told our parents to stay out of my room because my blood pressure was getting high and they wanted me to try and relax and rest and tried to convince me multiple times to talk to the dr and ask if she
could come into the c/s because she was "fascinated by the science of
surgery". Don't even get me started on the five days she spent with us when we got home from the hospital... Let's just say I locked me and Em in the bedroom, I cried for close to 45 minutes and contemplated escaping through my bedroom window....
She has been a thorn in my side since then and I literally cannot stand being with her at all. She is disrespectful of our parenting and I think DH realizes how bad this is on our relationship. Like if she would just leave us alone, our marriage would be ten times better than it is.
We haven't done anything special to include her this time around because it was so not worth it the first time. We have also decided that for this birth, nobody will know the day of the c/s and if I go into labor, we won't tell anyone but my mom so she can be here. I sent out an email (DH and I wrote together) that included the following: 12.00 Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} We have chosen to keep all details of the birth/cesarean to ourselves as we would like to have as few distractions as possible. This includes the date and time of the surgery. This also means that we will not be telling anyone if Kami goes into labor before the surgery. Again, we?d like this birth experience to be as free from distraction as possible so that we may focus completely on this baby and introducing Emma to her new brother.
So she's mad and says that I am leaving her out. DH and used "us" and "we" to let her know that we have decided these things together. MIL only blames me though. My poor husband is so upset that he doesn't know what to do. He would like to keep his relationship with his parents, but the strain between MIL and I is so bad that I know it's stressing him out. I have two choices the way that I see it:
1. Give in and let DH tell her all the info she wants to know. Which basically means she's manipulated both of us into getting what she wants in my mind and means that this birth will likely not be what I want.
or
2. Hold my ground and be the bad guy. This is what I want to stick with.
Am I a total beast? I feel bad for my husband because he's always had a good relationship with his mom, but I think he knows that his mom is the reason our marriage is in the state that it is in now. It's not good. Help me. PLEASE!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: MIL Drama - Vent & Advice Needed! It's REALLY long though...
First... hugs!! I didn't know the full details of her horribleness at E's birth and after. I think you should stand your ground. This is too important an event to let her manipulate it. And it will stick with you; look at how you still feel about Em's birth situation.
I also think that her son can probably do no wrong, so she's chosen to only think of it as you telling her she can't be a part of this birth. Even though you used "we" and "us." I understand it sucks for your husband to have a strain on his relationship with his mom, but he needs to (or already does) realize that in this scenario, his first duty is to make the mother of his children happy and not his own mother.
I really hope you can get through this without going crazy or any more stress between you and DH. I would stand my ground about the birth and invite her to come VISIT you at HOME afterward, during which time she'll make you nuts, but then go away.
Photo by J Shelton Photography
Married 10/5/08 | 2 yrs of TTC, tests, procedures & a m/c | IVF #2 =James!
Stick to the plan, make DH deal with her and her crazies. And inform the hospital that she is not allowed. The nurses do a great job as gatekeeper. After all- you are the patient, not anyone else.
I'm so sorry. This is why I love living 3000 miles away from my IL's.
Do. Not. Give. In.
I know it is an awful situation and I am so sorry you have to deal with it. But let's be honest, pregnancy and labor are hard enough. You don't need your MIL making things difficult for you...again! I would absolutely stick to your plan. You wrote it in plain English: "Again, we?d like this birth experience to be as free from distraction as possible so that we may focus completely on this baby and introducing Emma to her new brother"
This is what is best for YOU and YOUR FAMILY and that is what is important! Good luck Mama!
Seriously- do not give in. I agree with the other poster in that she will learn what tactics work and if throwing a tizzie fit fails then eventually she may stop. If it works- then you're in for a lifetime of that.
It also sounds like the tactic you've started, of having your DH do the communication is a good track to stay on. Let him play defense and overtime I'm sure you can get some distance.
Best of luck and hang in there!
I am sooooo sorry. I can't even imagine! I have issues with my MIL but yours takes the cake! I would stand my ground. Birth is stressful enough you don't need anything else making it worst. Stay strong! We are here for you. Vent all you need sweetie. Big Hugs!
PS. I love you siggy pic. Emma is so beautiful! :-)
Hugs. I was so hoping that by putting your foot down early, things were going to go better this time.
I think you need to hold your ground here, for your health and your bonding time as a growing family. You do not deserve the stress of last time and the fact that your DH was willing to write that email in the first place shows he is on your side here.
Hold your ground. Having you as calm as possible is better for your baby, for Emma and for your recovery.
Thank you ladies! I feel better knowing that you think holding my ground is a better idea than giving in. I, too, believe that she needs to understand that her behavior is not acceptable. I feel bad for my husband, but he also needs to remember that we (Em, me and the baby) need to come first. I have a doctor appt tomorrow and I'm wondering if my blood pressure will be elevated because of the stress this has caused. If that is the case, I think it will be a lot easier for DH to stand firm because he is worried about my health with the pregnancy.
I will stand my ground and let DH continue to be the one to reiterate that this is what we both want.
#2 all the way. This is YOUR family, YOUR baby and YOUR birth.
(Speaking from the "bad guy" in my Hubby's family) She will get over it and maybe even learn that she doesn't rule the roost any more. Even if she doesn't learn, it lets you have the birth experience that you want and deserve. It sounds like medically it might be best too!
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