Married April 1st 2017
DS #1: May 2009
DS #2: Jan 2012
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Blended Families
AliW220
member
Too soon to be called Mama?? (kind of long...)
AliW220
member
I was reading a different thread, and it made me feel like boyfriend and I rushed into having his 2 yr old son call me "Mama"...
But I honestly think it isn't black & white, and there's so much grey depending on the whole situation.
If you care to read, here's some of our family background...Boyfriend and I have been best friends for about 2 1/2 years now. Met in college, took as many classes 2gether as possible and became really close. His marriage was crumbling when I met him. His ex had just had the baby, who she didn't want anyways and thought would save her marriage. I became his support through the whole insane long ordeal, which only brought us closer. My marriage started to fall apart, full of mental abuse and occasional physical abuse. I finally got the strength to leave my ex, and then moved in with my boyfriend this Jan. All that we'd been through as best friends (divorces, full time students, commuting to campus, and working nearly full time) just naturally led to a romantic relationship...
Anyways.. we have primary placement of his son, who only sees his mom on some weekends. We bonded very very quickly. We had talked about him calling me something other than my first name, since even tho I'm not biologically his mother, I am more of a mother to him than she cares to be. I never wanted little boy to call me "mommy", that's what he calls his mom and I'm not fond of the term either. Once I got pregnant, we decided that he could call me "Mama".
It feels right to me, I never intend on trying to take his mother's place, just to give him all the love I can and be happy as a family unit...
What do all you in bump-land think? Too soon? Or am I being hormonal and crazy and overthinking it all??
Me: 29 DH: 33
Married April 1st 2017
DS #1: May 2009
DS #2: Jan 2012
Married April 1st 2017
DS #1: May 2009
DS #2: Jan 2012
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Too soon to be called Mama?? (kind of long...)
This. Allow your SS to make the decision when he is old enough to understand. My oldest SS was 5 when he asked if he could call me mom.
I think it is completely inappropriate to tell a 2 year old to call his dad's girlfriend anything similar to "mother" when 1. the birth mother is still his mother and 2. you aren't even married to his Dad. I think both the boy and the BM will resent you for it in the long run.
That is wrong just dead wrong
You and this man had a mental affair on his wife and your ex. You know good and well why neither marriage worked.
Now your having a baby and you both felt he should call you mama.
So I have to be married to make having a baby right?
Been there, done that, had that piece of paper...
Maybe I joined the wrong website! Come to think of it, I haven't read a single post about anyone not being married while pregnant.
Married April 1st 2017
DS #1: May 2009
DS #2: Jan 2012
She is married just not married to who she is having a baby by.
Oh my. I was looking for honest answers... and I sure got them.
You all can think what you want, and judge. But just know that even though our family may not be traditional in any sort, I am having a baby with a man that I truely love, and is actually good for me and my unborn child. We both make sure to give his son all the love we have, as well as worked very hard to make sure we can provide him with a good secure life.
Married April 1st 2017
DS #1: May 2009
DS #2: Jan 2012
Having a baby with someone you love and is good to you is great. But that has absolutely nothing to do with whether it's appropriate and healthy to coach the child to call you mama.
You make it sound like mom has one foot out the door. Perhaps in a couple years if mom is not involved--and if you are truly mom to the kiddo--it MIGHT be appropriate to talk to SS about what he'd like to call you.
But your relationship with this man has been moving FAST and with a lot of change. A baby, abuse, a divorce (a couple of divorces?), and now another baby. You need to take some time, let things slow down, and everything will evolve as it's meant to.
Also, bear in mind - what really matters is the relationship, not what the label on the relationship is.
My bf's parents divorced when he was in grade one. He has a step-mom, that he calls by her first name. But when he says "My mom", he is referring to her. He has never called her Mom to her face but refers to her as such and considers her more of a mother to her than his biological mother. I don't think his step-mother really cares that he never called her mom to her face. She loves him all the same regardless..
I think my brain just imploded.
You know why neither of your marriages worked. Your whole situation is scandalous.
I don't really care about all that, that's your own dirty laundry and conscience to deal with. The point is, yes you did the wrong thing by COACHING a TWO YEAR OLD to call you 'mama'. But now it's done. And now undoing it will make things an even bigger mess. If he starts calling you something else, the right thing to do would be to let him. He has a mom. (who may or may not be part of his life down the road the way you put it, but who knows). You aren't it.
You should join baby gaga if you want puppies and rainbows. Sorry we didn't give you the answer you wanted to hear. But when an entire community is telling you the same thing, chances are the general opinion is the most sane opinion.
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
Ok I am not going to attack you like some others but I do think 2 is really young for a child to call you Mama. My stepson did call me Mom for a short period of time but he was 5 when we married and he asked me if he could call me Mom after the wedding. I told him that he could call me whatever made him comfortable but by no means did he have to call me Mom. His BM was not very involved at the time and I think he truly saw me take on a motherly role in his life more so than she had. However she got upset about it and yelled at him for it so he became scared to call me that. Which was fine with me because I like just my own kids calling me mom personally. However my point is I think in some situations it is ok for the child to call stepmom by mama or mom and a lot of times it's not ok. I think 2 is too young to have him calling you that because at that age it's more your choice than his and I would want him coming to that conclusion on his own.
Second, having your SS call you X will not confuse your Child when he/she needs to call you Mom. You didn't call your Mother by her first name even though your father did, right?
Third, there IS a huge difference between a GF and SM. The legal rights to a Step child when married is slim (though you are sure responsible for any damage done under your watch). But they are NON- EXISTANT being girlfriend. IF he were to leave you, you have NO rights to that little boy calling you Mommy. At least when married, you COULD get some sort of visitation given the biological ties to your child (I have actually seen this). To force a baby to call you mom, when you have no guarantee that you will be in his life a year from now, let alone in the next 20 years is pitiable.
But what happens if your SO dies? Being the latest bed partner gives you no rights to this little boy. He will goto his BM. A woman you have purposefully alienated. Can you imagine how awful that will be for him? Well, actually you can't given you didn't to begin with. A good parent looks at all of the variables before making the RIGHTEOUS, not EASIEST solution.
Finally, if it is true that younare still married, you need to get a lawyer ASAP. Many States assume that the father of a child born during A marriage is his. Have you ensured that HE is in the legal and finacial clear? Becuase a good mother ensures that her children are morally set too.
Yes, I completely understand we both had an emotional affair. Yes, it was SCANDALOUS! Yes, I understand my legal side of it all, have a good lawyer and am taking care of it as quickly as I can.
We are sticking to our decision. It feels right for our family.
Thank you to the few posters who were courteous enough to not attack, while still giving honest thoughts.
Married April 1st 2017
DS #1: May 2009
DS #2: Jan 2012
I am not being "mean" but really just asking a question. Why did you come here asking if having him call you Mama was the right decision if you plan to stick to your decision anyway? Every single person here tried to point out that it is NOT the best decision for a 2yo but yet you think it "feels right".
I wanted to see if there was anyone else out there who had been in a similar situation, not waiting for a marriage to have a child call them 'mom' or 'dad'. I was second guessing our decision, and have given it alot more thought. I still don't understand how many have said that children should never be coached to call someone a certain thing... but what about adoptive parents? or two gay/lesbian parents? Even biological they've all coached thier children to not call them by a first name.
I don't agree that it takes a marriage in order to justify calling the step parent 'mom' or 'dad'. To me it isn't a legal matter. To me it is the fact that, although he is not genetically mine, I am a mother to him. To be clear, he knows the difference between 'mommy' and 'mama', and that's why we thought 'mama' would be a good solution.
Married April 1st 2017
DS #1: May 2009
DS #2: Jan 2012
Here is my opinion FWIW. I am adopted, I was exactly 3mo when adopted, I was not coached to call my parents Mom and Dad because they were my ONLY parents. If a gay or lesbian couple had a baby then the kids would call them both Mom and Dad because that is what they are, they are the only parents, even if not biological they are the ONLY parents. Same obviously goes for biological parents. BUT, in a situation where there is another parent in the situation is not easy and usually very unwise to tell a child to call another adult Mom or Dad because they have one. And like Ilumine said, Mama is just another word for Mom, you say that he knows the difference but this is not like calling one Grandparent "Grandma" and the other one "Grandmama or Nanny, etc", they are all grandparents in that situation. In your situation you are not the mother, he already has one. When he is older he might want to call you a name that means Mother but right now he should not be told to. And there is a good chance that he will go through a stage when he is old enough to understand and will NOT want to call you Mama, and then it will really hurt your feelings when he calls you by your first name. And honestly, most kids outgrown the term Mama around 3 and just go to Mommy or Mom, it is a language thing, then what will you do?
ETA: I also wanted to say that in the case of kids that are old enough to understand, people in the adoption community would not tell you to force a child to call a new adoptive parent Mom or Dad just like they would tell you not to change a child's name without their permission, it needs to be the kids' decision, not yours.
Also, I am sure that there is at least one person on this board that had had a SK call them Mom before they were married, and they might even think it was the right thing but that does not negate the fact that there are tons of women with blended family experience on this board telling you it is not the right thing.
Are you serious? How can you compare the two? Your boyfriends son HAS A MOM!!
I could care less about how you came about or that you are having a baby out of marriage. My realtionship didn't start the best way either. But I still don't think a step child should be told to call the step parent mom or dad. And as far as the next bold part you are NOT the step parent you are the girlfriend.
I was not married when I got pregnant with this child. Even though my ex-husband sees the girls maybe once a month, I would never tell my children to call their step-father "daddy". As much as their bio dad sucks, he is their father.
I'm not married to my SO, even though we have a son together. His daughter does not call me "mama" or anything related, and I've been in her life since she was barely a year old. You are not that little boy's mother. He should not call you mama.
I never held you, but I always loved you.
Baby Squirt- September 2009
Baby Turtle- May 2010
Baby Surprise- August 2011
I'm going to state right off the bat, you're probably going to think this is "mean" and that I'm "judging" you. That's fine, all I'm trying to do though, is see if you're looking at all sides of this situation.
I know you don't want to hear it, because you've made your decision, but I don't know if you're really taking into consideration the child in this scenario. Honestly, you seem to be more wrapped up with you and your BF and playing house than what's best for this little boy. He's only 2 now, you are not his mother. He should not be coaxed into calling you mama.
His mother may not be all that hands on, or as you put it interested, but that does not make her any less his mother. You are not even his step-mother at this point, you have no right to ask him to call you mama. He's only 2 so he may do exactly what you ask, but have you thought about later on down the line? When he's older and realizes you're not his mother? He could either let it go and not press the subject, or he could become resentful that he has been calling someone his mother who isn't. Not every child is going to be thankful someone stepped in to act as their mother figure. Some children are going to resent that this person tried and maybe even succeeded in taking over for their actual mom.
I'm just suggesting maybe you take a step back and think about how this might affect the child and not so much about how you want to play up the happy family unit.
See, this is rude and uncalled for. It is frustrating that she is not listening but this is not productive.
How old are you two, anyway?
Asking, hinting, suggesting, ok-ing, pressuring or otherwise having a 2 year old who is not yours to call you "Mama" is in fact trying to take his mother's place. You're not married to his father; or to the father of your own baby, for that matter. You may believe this is all just great, fine and dandy, but it's not the best situation for this 2 yo and it's not the best situation for your coming child, and you know this. Work on fixing all that and then worry about what to get this little kid to call you, and don't forget what his father did to his last baby mama while she was expecting; it can happen to you too, sunshine.
Why exactly did you think it was a good idea to get knocked up just now again?
And regardless of how offensive it sounds, relationships established in infidelity typically don't stand a very high chance of success.
Holy fvck. Can you see anything through the rose colored glasses you have on?
LO is not a pawn to be won. You are not his mother. Heck, you aren't even a step parent. A caretaker does not equal a mother. Even if his biomother isn't mother of the year, she is still his mom, mother, mama, and mommy. IT ISN'T YOU. Get over yourself and stop trying to justify what "feels right" because in reality, it's what YOU WANT, not what's best for a 2 year old. His home environment is already one huge mess, why do you want to confuse him even more? How selfish are you?!
I hardly think you're "overthinking" this. You're not thinking at all because you don't want to realize the truth. Period.