Friend lost Triplets at 22weeks :*(

GirlyGirl514 · September 2011

My heart just aches for my dear friend who lost her triplet boys at 22weeks old on August 28th. She's not really taking any calls or text right now from anyone which is totally understandable. I don't want her to give up on trying to have children (her and her husband tried for 2 years before getting pregnant), but I don't know when she will even feel like moving forward. I'm definitely not going to mention it unless she talks about it first. When did anyone else feel like they were ready to try again? Did you not even consider it in the beginning and then come around to the idea?

i just want to be sensitive to her feelings and not say the wrong thing....... (

juliane2004 · September 2011

Personally, I am ready to try right now, but I'm still currently miscarrying. As soon as I can, I will be trying again.

Here's a great thing I read about on here (it's written to the person who lost a baby/pregnancy, but I think you might find it helpful) :

KEY POINTS TO HELP YOU WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS

You and your partner may have found a comforting seclusion in your home immediately after your loss, but eventually you have to face the outside world. Once you start informing colleagues and acquaintances about your loss, you may have to grapple with well-intentioned but hurtful remarks. Friends and family with children may expect you to attend events that involve their youngsters, as if nothing happened to you.

Here are some suggestions for talking with other about your loss:

Let others know that you need help. Friends and family usually respond well to a specific request when they otherwise wouldn?t know what to do or say.

Respect your need to talk and be heard, and choose good listeners, who care about you, it is vital that you reach out to others during this sad time.

Plan how you will phrase the news of your loss to colleagues and acquaintances, in a simple, brief manner. Respect your need to decline discussing details you don?t want to share.

Allow your feelings of upset to surface if someone makes an insensitive remark. If you feel like it, take the opportunity to educate others about pregnancy loss, telling them how they could respond more helpfully.

Consider telling those close to you who are pregnant or who have small children that it will be difficult for you to socialize with them for a while. If you feel you can?t attend celebrations because you are too emotionally raw, send your regrets. Relatives and friends who care for you will probably understand.

The five worst comments you might hear and what to say.

?It happened for the best.? No matter what caused your loss, it is unlikely you believe it happened for the best. This statement negates your loss and sorrow.

What you can say in response: ?I know you mean to be comforting, but I don?t think bad things happen to people for the best.?

?Don?t worry, you can have another baby.? You need to mourn the baby you lost. Children are not replaceable.

What you can say in response: ?I?m very sad about losing this baby, who meant so much to me.

?You didn?t really know the baby, so it?s not like losing a child who has lived with you awhile.? Although there is a distinction between these two losses, this is not a comforting comment. You have lost the dream of having that particular child. Although your loss may be different from losing an older child, it should never be deemed unworthy of grief.

What you can say in response: ?I?m sad because I will never know this baby.?

?I know exactly how you feel? Unless the friend or relative has been through a similar loss, this phrase may ring false and make you angry. You probably wished they had asked you how you felt instead.

What you can say in response: ?It?s hard to know how this feels unless you?ve been through it yourself.?

?What are you going to do now?? You may be too stunned by your loss to make plans about your future family. This question is an invasion of your privacy unless you volunteered to talk about it.

What you can say in response: ?I really don?t feel like discussing that right now. I?d rather talk about the baby I just lost.?

Having people say nothing at all hurts deeply because it negates your loss and the impact it has on your lives. On the other hand, simply saying ?I don?t know what to say? is honest and acknowledges the dimensions of your sorrow.

What you can say in response: ?I realize you don?t know what to say about my pregnancy loss, but I don?t mind talking about it and it helps me to remember my baby.?

The five best comments you might hear
??I?m so sorry, I know how much you wanted to have that baby? This statement acknowledges your sorrow and gives you permission to grieve.

??It?s okay to cry.? This response validates your feelings and your need to express them without embarrassment or guilt.

??Would you like to talk about it?? The friend or relative who responds with this sensitive question offers the best support possible-a willing ear, a comforting shoulder and a healthy respect for your needs.

??Is there anything I can do for you?? Family and friends may offer consolation through practical help. This allows you to say what you need, whether a home cooked meal, help with difficult phone calls or assistance dismantling the baby?s room.
??May I call you back in a few days to see how you are doing?? After a while you may find that others no longer want to talk about your loss. Family and friends who assure you that they will continue to listen and comfort you in the months to come are truly loved ones.

myangelislucy · September 2011

I had a late miscarriage like you friend has had. I lost my Lo at 19 weeks. Trying again is the only thing on my mind because for me I don't think that I will be able to heal until I get pregnant again. I feel that way though because now I'm scared that every pregnancy will end in a loss and I feel the need to prove myself wrong. However, my Ob and my Peri have both advised me to wait about 6 months before trying again. Their reasoning is 1. I need to wait 3 normal cycles to make sure my uterus is strong and healthy again since I had a late loss. 2. We need to allow ourselves sometime to heal emotionally before jumping back in the game again.

GirlyGirl514 · September 2011

Thank you both so much

RachH517 · September 2011

After two losses (after IF) this is what I think:

Even if your friend is not taking text messages, I would still send one saying something like "I am so very sorry for your loss. I just wanted to let you know that I am here for whatever you need and whenever you need it."

She might not respond but it did make me feel better when I got texts like that from my friends. I would also periodically send another text just to let her know that you are thinking of her. Very short and simple with no presssure for her to do anything.

roxyttandme · September 2011

You are a good friend to reach out to us. Saying that, it is not your place to discuss this with her. Whatever she and her DH decides - is their decision and you have to respect their wishes. What you want for her - quite frankly- doesn't matter. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh, as that is not my intension. It will most likely be quite a long time before she is ever willing to think of ttc again.

When you do speak with her - avoid saying things like: "it wasn't mean to be," "it was God's will," "it will happen when the time is right," "it happened for a reason." Although people think they are helping with these statements, they are really pouring salting on a gapping, festering wound. Telling her how sorry you are and how there are no words to express what she has gone through.

My best friend dropped off home cooked meals and offered a shoulder to cry on.... and it was the most appreciated gift of all. She has a life time of mourning to go through and will need good friends like you around.

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Friend lost Triplets at 22weeks :*(

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